by Joy Eileen
“Hi, Faith. We were outside working in the garden, and I came in here to get us something to drink. Do you want me to get him for you?” she asked, and I could hear her moving around the kitchen getting down glasses from the squeaky cabinet.
“No, if he stops working, it will be hell getting him started again. Just tell him I called and I'm alive. I haven’t been kidnapped or held against my will.”
Martha laughed and told me she would be sure to give my dad the message. We said our goodbyes just as I parked at Jessie’s place. Her evil roommate’s car wasn’t in its usual parking spot, and I breathed.
Jessie was uncommonly quiet, so I sat down on the couch, allowing her time to get her thoughts together. Nothing had changed since the last time I was here. The couch was a micro-suede light blue material with recliners at both ends. There was a coffee table made of wood and glass, and looked too scary to touch. The T.V. was on an entertainment center matching the scary untouchable coffee table. The carpet was the normal apartment beige, and there was nothing on the walls. I mean nothing, even though they had lived there for years.
Candice had one more semester and she would be moving out, giving Jessie the apartment to herself, unless she got another roommate. I wasn't sure she would, after living with the hell Candice had put her through.
Jessie grabbed two diet Pepsi’s and motioned for me to follow. I sat on her bed, popping the top of the soda and taking a sip just to have something to do.
I promised to let her get herself together before asking her to talk, but if she didn’t do it soon I would go nuts from the buildup. After she paced the room so many times I had lost count, I lost my patience.
“What's going on Jess? You can tell me or someone else, but you need to get this off of your chest soon. It's ruining you.”
She looked as if she had forgotten I was there. She finally sat, leaning against the headboard. “You’re right, and it's stupid Van’s fault. He makes all of these feelings I never wanted to feel again come surging through me, and I don’t know what to do.”
She was helpless to stop the tears streaming down her face. I touched her ankle trying to give her silent support.
“Did you know I have a sister?”
I shook my head because she had told me she was an only child.
“I do, well I hope I still do. I haven't heard from her in years, not after she left with Eric," she scoffed but continued. "She fell in love with Eric, a drummer in a band, participating in the Battle of the Bands competition we hold every year at the bar. Once his hooks were in her, we couldn't get her back. They took off when we tried to intervene in their relationship…. he was a lot like Jason, honestly that was how I knew what was happening to you."
“Is this why you don’t want to be with Van?”
“There's more,” she stated flatly.
“You don’t have to go on if you don’t want to, Jess,” I said, giving her an out, knowing the worst was still to come.
“No, you need to know, so you don’t hate me when I push Van away. I'm trying so hard not to, but it's inevitable.”
“Jess, I'm not going to hate you. If you don’t want Van, then that's fine. I could never hate you, but you need to stop hating yourself.”
She took a shuddering breath and continued. “I wanted nothing to do with guys for a long time. I refused to let someone break me the way Eric broke my sister. Then I met Brock.”
The way she said his name made me tense, my body prepared for the next blow.
“Brock was a drummer.” She laughed bitterly, falling back into the past. “Because of Eric I was wary of musicians, especially drummers. So when Brock hit on me, I turned him down immediately. He was relentless and wore me down. He was perfect, and he had my whole family fooled. I thought we would be together forever, and then I got pregnant.”
She focused on her breathing before she continued.
“I was nervous, but certain Brock would take care of me. We had talked about a family; I just figured we would start it earlier than expected. It never occurred to me he was not who he portrayed to be when he was with me. I can’t tell you how surprised I was when I walked into his apartment, and he had his dick in his PR lady.”
I tried to hide my shock when she dropped that bombshell. She spit it out quickly, wanting to get it over with.
“I stormed out of his apartment, and he followed after me, telling me this was for our own good. Once the band was signed all of our dreams would come true. I told him I wanted nothing to do with him ever again, and went home."
She closed her eyes squeezing the pillow she was holding tight against her abdomen.
"I lost the baby that night. I had to escape the worried looks I saw every time I caught my family staring at me.” She finished her story, and we sat there letting what she had revealed sink in, crying for what she had been through.
I understood her family’s hesitancy in accepting Van, and her constant need to keep him away from her heart. Two drummers had ripped her family apart, and she refused to let another destroy what they had mended. Van had two strikes against him, and he hadn’t done anything wrong.
“Well, I understand why they don’t want you anywhere Van.” I said, nudging her ankle with mine, wanting to stop her from falling into the darkness she was on the precipice of.
“It isn’t just my family, it's also me. Van's so perfect; he says the right things and he's beyond romantic. He reminds me of Brock so much, all I can do is push him away. When I'm with him, he makes me forget what I've been through, but as soon as I'm away from him it all comes flooding back. Sometimes I feel like I'm letting down my baby by falling for someone just like its daddy.” She cried, and I held her, letting her release her grief.
“But Van's nothing like Brock,” I said when she calmed down enough she could hear me over her anguish.
“How do you know?” she asked into my shoulder, sounding exhausted.
I didn’t have an answer for her. In my heart I was positive Van wouldn’t hurt Jessie, but at the same time, a person could never be sure of another’s intentions. “I can’t promise you'll have a happily ever after with Van, but I can tell you he cares about you, and I think you should tell him so he can let you know where he's coming from. You can never guess the future, but you can't be scared to try.”
Jessie shook her head on my shoulder, and my heart dropped, because until she told Van everything, they didn’t have a chance. I wondered if I was doing the same thing with Kill. Then I thought of Bambi. I was unsure of their relationship and refused to ask Kill, afraid of the answer.
“Promise me you won’t say anything,” Jessie pleaded, looking up from my shoulder.
“I promise. This is your story to tell Jess, but you need to think about telling him if you want a relationship.”
She searched my face, making sure I would keep my promise. When she saw confirmation, she crawled under her covers and put her head on the pillow she had clutched the whole time she told me her story.
Her eyes were red and puffy from crying. I got her a bottle of water and some Advil. Jessie was almost asleep when I returned to her bedroom.
“Thanks,” she said, when I handed her the medicine.
“Go to sleep. I'm going to go,” I said, putting the covers over her as she snuggled in.
“Getting ready for your hot date?”
“Ugh, why'd you have to remind me?”
“Sorry, at least you'll get a free meal out of it,” she said, yawning loudly.
“I'll lock the door on my way out,” I told her before walking out, not waiting for her to respond.
On my drive home, I let her past run through my head. I was proud to be her friend; she was a survivor. I was surrounded by amazingly strong women, and with
their support, I felt secure I would conquer my demons.
Chapter 21
Robert text me when I pulled up to the house.
Can’t wait 2CU ;0
What the hell was I thinking?
The boys were playing a video game in the living room. They yelled at each other, “get out of the way or shoot someone!” I tried to get by them unnoticed, but Van and Kill looked up as soon as I walked in.
“Back already?” Van asked, craning his neck to see if Jessie had followed me.
“Yeah, uhm….she fell asleep.” I turned my head, not wanting to give anything away. I meant it when I told her it was her secret to tell.
“Do you want to come play video games with us, Slick?”
I faltered, afraid to tell him I had a date. “No, I have plans later.”
Moving fast, I didn't stop until I was in my room. I went through my clothes, trying to find something that implied I would not be having sex tonight. I chose a pair of black leggings and a long purple sweater with a black belt cinching it in the middle.
When I opened my door, Kill was coming upstairs. I childishly dashed into the bathroom before he could catch me. While washing my hair the door opened, making my eyes snap open, which of course made soap rush into them.
“Son of a bitch,” I cried as I rinsed them out.
“You ok?” Kill asked.
“Why are you in here?”
“I just wanted to ask about your day. Why are you getting dressed up?”
I didn’t answer.
“What are you up to Slick? If you don’t answer me, I'm coming in there.”
My vagina begged me to stay quiet. “I agreed to go to dinner with Robert,” I said quietly into the shower.
“What?” he roared. “Why the hell would you do that?” he asked through gritted teeth.
“Because he asked me out, so I said yes. I wasn't aware I needed to confirm my schedule with you first.” I sounded like such a bitch and I hated it, especially when I didn’t want to go in the first place, but Kill had me on edge. His fluctuating attitude, and his relationship with Bambi had my emotions scattered.
“You’re right,” he replied, leaving me alone in the cooling shower.
With more force than necessary I shut off the water. I was being an asshole, but I convinced myself it was partly his fault I was going on this date, fueling my anger. Yes, it was a cop out, but I was sticking with it.
While getting ready, I kept thinking I should have listened to Ryan and faked being sick. Kill busted in, not bothering to knock.
“Can I help you?” I asked as my heart beat wildly.
I needed to apologize for being so shitty to him, and my vagina had images of him allowing me to lick him all over as my penance.
“Why are you going out with him?” he asked, stalking closer as I backed up, not wanting to be near him.
If I was honest, I didn’t trust myself when I was near him. “I don’t know,” I responded, and his twitch kicked up on his jaw.
“Not good enough.”
“Because I was mad at you,” I said, no longer retreating.
Screw him for thinking he had a right to be angry at me, especially given his extracurricular activities with Bambi.
“Why were you mad?” he asked, running his fingers through his hair while his cheek jumped in an angry staccato.
“I know about you and Bambi. She told some skank in the bathroom, in detail I might add, about your sexual exploits. Right after my ears stopped burning, Robert asked me out, and I agreed. It's confusing, one moment you act like you care about me, but in another you're fooling around with Bambi in the parking lot,” I seethed, staring at our shoes. They were almost touching, and I was surprised I told the truth while being so close to him.
“I’m not doing anything with Bambi,” he answered, stunned.
“But I saw you getting out of her car,” I replied, trying to grasp at something that made me look less like an asshole.
“I was helping her. Her steering wheel was locking, and I checked on it. Her brother and I went to school together. He joined the military, and asked me to keep an eye on her. She also let me read a letter he sent her.” Kill stepped back from me, and I wanted to take the step back toward him, but I didn’t. “If you ever have a question, just ask me. We're friends, and I promise never to lie to you. I thought I made it clear you should talk to me instead of crazy women with a vendetta against me. You still don't get it, do you?”
His face filled with disappointment, and I hated myself for putting it there. I jumped to conclusions without asking him, again, and it wasn’t fair.
“You're right, but if it makes you feel any better, I don’t want to go on this date,” I admitted, right before Jet yelled upstairs there was a douche box at the door for me.
Kill let me walk ahead of him, not responding to my last minute confession. All three boys stood around Robert, glaring at him, and it made me giggle at how oblivious he was to their dislike.
My eyes zeroed in on a bouquet of red roses and I froze on the steps, causing Kill to collide into me. He wrapped his arms around me to keep me from falling. I held my breath in a vain attempt to keep the smell from entering my nostrils.
“Walk,” Kill whispered in my ear, I inhaled through my mouth before moving.
Robert thrust the offending bouquet toward me, and I backed further into Kill. With great reluctance I took them, and my stomach pitched forward.
“Thank you; I'll just put these in water.”
I took them into the kitchen, holding them far away from my body. In a panic, I thought of how to get rid of them. Kill came in and put his hands on my shoulders, pulling me to him. I sank into him as my panic disappeared.
“I can’t have these here,” I whispered. “Jason used to….”
He stopped me by hugging me tighter, silently telling me he understood. “I got it, Slick, they won’t be here when you get back.”
I stayed in his arms, relishing the feel of him. When I pulled away, the smell of those retched things made me gag. I turned into Kill, burying my nose into his shirt so all could I smell was him.
“Come on.” He led me out of the kitchen. The boys stood around Robert glaring at him. He relaxed when he saw me.
“No more roses there, big boy,” Kill said, letting go of my hand.
I waited to see what he would say, grateful he was doing it.
“She's allergic,” Kill explained, looking back at me winking.
“Sorry, I didn’t know. Why didn’t you say something?” Robert asked, putting his arm over my shoulder.
“She didn’t want to hurt your feelings, and well, it doesn’t fucking bother me,” Kill responded.
Robert stiffened beside me at Kill's words. “You weren’t kidding when you said they were protective.”
“Nope, and if you do anything to her, we will hurt you,” Van replied menacingly, while the other three nodded their heads.
“Ok, point taken. We need to get going if we want to make our reservations,” Robert said, leading me toward the front door.
“Night, Faith. Night….What's your name?” Jet asked, just as Robert turned the handle.
“Robert,” he answered as we stepped outside.
My blood ran cold when I noticed a silver Honda Civic parked across the street. Robert saw the horror on my face and chuckled.
“I know you expected a tough guy like me to drive something with more power, but what can I say, it saves on gas.”
I relaxed, realizing it wasn’t Jason waiting across the street for me, but being that Robert drove the same car as Jason, and brought me roses, made me want to end the date right then.
My steps felt wooden. He opened my door, and I got in. The guys stood at the kitchen window. I gave them a weak wave as Robert drove off.
“How is it living with the JackholeS?” Robert asked, sounding star struck.
“Great, actually. I love them, and they watch out for me,” I said, calming just mentioning them.
“Sorry about the roses. I guess I'm not good at that sort of stuff. I wanted to make a good impression. I'm too much of a bad boy.”
The retort just because you have stupid, unoriginal tattoos going up your arms doesn�
�t make you tough, tried to fly out of my mouth.
When we got to the restaurant, he offered me his arm and I reluctantly accepted it. He walked straight up to the hostess and put on a smile that made me want to hit him for trying so hard. When she explained it would be ten minutes to be seated, he went into complete asshole mode.
He demanded to talk to the manager. I'm not positive, but I had a feeling he was flexing his arms, making sure people noticed the ink covering them. By the time the manager came out and apologized for the inconvenience, the table was ready, and Robert acted like he won a prize.
I bit my tongue to keep myself from explaining his little tantrum lasted the ten minutes we were going to have to wait. Robert sat next to me, and my already annoyed state ratcheted up higher.
“Sorry, I don’t wait,” he said in my ear, his self-important attitude making my skin crawl.
I opened my menu, not responding. When the waitress came over to get our drink orders, Robert ordered an obnoxiously complicated drink. I shot her an apologetic smile before she left.
“Sorry about that,” he said, leaning into me so he could look at my menu instead of opening his.
“About what?” I asked, wondering what behavior he felt deemed an apology, or if he was lumping the whole date into one.
“The waitress,” he looked at me like I was an idiot. “She was hitting on me; it’s the ink. They all want a piece of me.” He put his arm around the back of my chair. “Don’t worry, I only have eyes for you tonight,” he replied, interpreting my stunned reaction incorrectly.
When the waitress brought our drinks, Robert took a moment before he approved his. She tried to take our food order; he once again changed everything, making it a custom meal. The waitress was beyond annoyed by the time she left.
I excused myself, needing to get away from Robert’s ego and his wandering hands. While washing my hands, I stared at my reflection in the mirror asking myself what the hell I was doing. I'd just escaped Jason, why was I punishing myself by going out with someone I had no chemistry with?
Kill’s words revolved in my head. I'd assumed the worst of him but gave a stranger the benefit of the doubt. Taking my phone out of my purse I dialed Jessie, wanting to get out of here. Thankfully she answered on the second ring.
