He cursed under his breath. “I’m sorry as hell. I never knew. And I would never think Mike would do that. Not to you…to Matthew. He always spoke of you like you were his entire world.” He realized his words actually hurt her, because who the hell wanted to hear that?
“It took me a long time to process. At first I thought I was being paranoid as I read those emails and then I knew that I was in serious denial if I thought it wasn’t true. That’s why I had to call her. I had to know.”
“I’m sorry, Julia. I, uh, hell, I had no idea.”
“I believe you,” she said. She placed her hands in her pockets and for a moment she looked sad, vulnerable. He had seen her on her most vulnerable days, her saddest days. That she had let him in at that time, had been an honor to him. What he’d seen of her, even broken, was that Julia had guts. She was a fighter. She was a woman who loved deeply, but she was a woman who kept going.
“Me too. I think I’m most sorry because he ruined my memory of my perfect little family. He left me with unanswered questions. I will never know why. I will never be able to yell at him and demand those answers. For a long time I blamed myself. Had I let myself go after Matthew, was that why? Was he jealous of the time I spent between work and our son?”
He had to stifle his choice words and his need to rip apart his best friend. But he couldn’t stand here and watch her blame herself. “No,” he said, the word coming out harshly. “It wasn’t you. It was all on him. You both took vows. As a husband, as a father, he owed you honesty. Here’s the thing. You want out of a marriage? You get out. Then you move on, not before. He owed you that. At the very least, he owed you the dignity of being honest with you.”
She blinked back tears and it took all his self-control not to wrap her up in his arms. But it didn’t seem right now, everything darkened by what she’d revealed. “I just…Michael was everything I ever thought I wanted in a man. He was smart and caring and responsible…” Her voice trailed off and she was looking faraway and he ignored the bitter sting of jealousy as he listened to her speak of another man—his best friend. “But then after I found out I started analyzing our relationship. Was it everything I ever thought? Or was I naive? I mean, I never…” Her eyes darted away from him, but not before he caught a glimmer of embarrassment. “I didn’t even have a boyfriend before Michael. What did I know about guys? What did I know about anything?”
He ran his hand over his jaw, hating that she doubted herself. “You’re smart and you’re loving and you’re honest. So right there, you’re a helluva lot better than a lot of people. As for Michael? I didn’t see that coming and he was my best friend years before you met him. And what about me? I was with plenty of women before I got married…” He coughed when she gave him a pointed look. “And I never saw Sandy walking out on us. Never. Yeah, in retrospect I probably should have detected something, but who the hell could predict that?”
“Didn’t it make you want to never let anyone close again?”
Anyone except Julia. “I’d make an exception for the right woman.”
She looked down at her boots. “You know, Chase, when I was in the city, I didn’t really get to know anyone. I didn’t want to know anyone. Sure, I was familiar with my colleagues, there were men…who asked me out, but I wasn’t interested in anyone. It’s like I doubted that there were any really good men left in the world, because I thought I’d been married to one of the good guys and that shattered me.”
He understood exactly. “There are days when I wonder if there are any decent people out there anymore. There are days when all I see are the rotten scum in the world and I worry for Maggie, I worry what kind of a world will this be for her one day? For her kids? And then I’ll come upon an accident, and there’ll be strangers there, with their cars stopped, draping blankets around the people in the accident, calling in 911, helping complete strangers until the paramedics and cops show up. There are good people still around. Sometimes, at different points in our lives, I think we have to search harder, but they’re there.” His voice had turned hoarse at the sight of the tears in her eyes. Tears in Julia’s eyes always gutted him. She gave a little sniffle.
“When did you become so…”
“Sappy?”
She laughed and he smiled at the sound of it, at the ability he had to make her laugh. She nodded and then shook her head, her smile dipping slightly. “Sweet?”
“Don’t tell anyone.”
“I think people around here must know it.”
“I think Maggie is responsible. She brings out a different side. I have to be a better man, for her.”
She didn’t say anything for a second, but her eyes were filled with something. “Chase,” she whispered.
“Tell me.”
“I miss him,” she said, so softly he almost didn’t hear. “I miss my baby so much. I don’t talk about him. I know people say it gets easier and you should talk about the people who you loved and are now gone, but I can’t, and I think it’s a lie. At least for me. I can’t talk about my baby and be happy. I remember him every second of every day because he is in my soul, he is my soul. But I can’t talk about him…easily, because I’ll get caught up in a funny memory and it’ll be okay for the moment. It will fill me so completely with love and then in a second it’s gone, when I remember the little boy I’m talking about is dead, and that…that feeling, that emptiness is so bad, that I just…cave and go dark inside. I’m not strong enough to talk about him.”
He blinked away the moisture in his eyes and stared at the woman claiming not to be strong; the strongest woman he’d ever known. And God how he wished he could make everything right for her, that he could be a man good enough for her. But he’d never made promises he couldn’t keep and he never lied. Maybe that’s not what she needed. Maybe she just needed him right now, the way he was, because for some reason the way she looked at him…he walked that last step into her and pulled her against him. Julia melted into him, her soft curves pressed against his body. It wasn’t the first time he noticed how they fit together. No one had ever fit him like Julia. Her arms wrapped around his waist and he felt her deep breath against him.
He brushed his lips against her head, inhaling the sweet smell of the woman he wanted desperately. “You’ll be happy again, Julia. I promise you.”
Neither of them said anything for a few moments, and he just held her until it sounded like an earthquake was starting. Sure enough his daughter came barrelling down the road, with Gwen chasing after her. “Daddy!”
He stifled his groan and backed up a step, the mood broken once again. There was one thing he was fairly certain of—whatever this attraction was he had to Julia, she felt it too. There would be no walking away this time without really knowing what they’d be like together. This would be the Christmas to show her just how good they’d be together.
Chapter Nine
She needed to survive Christmas.
Julia knew the chances of her leaving Shadow Creek unscathed after Christmas were becoming slimmer and slimmer. Chase and his daughter were roping her in. Maggie had called her this morning, begging her to come and find a Christmas tree with them. Somehow she’d convinced her father to set up a tree at their current home and then another when they moved. The day had been fun and there was something different in the air between her and Chase.
She couldn’t deny, as silly as it sounded, that seeing Chase cut down the large tree, haul it onto his truck, and bring it home for his little girl was…undeniably attractive. He was undeniably hot. And when was the last time she’d thought of a man like that? Even Michael had never evoked this kind of…passion in her. In other words, she’d never wanted to jump his bones. As she stood there, watching him position the tree in the stand, muscles rippling, perfectly efficient, strong, capable, that’s exactly what she felt like doing.
After last night, knowing that he knew nothing about Michael’s affair, she felt a weight lift from her shoulders, and the memory of standing on the street, in his arms
, played over and over in her mind as she slept.
She cleared her throat. “You know what? Why don’t I make us some hot chocolate while we wait for Daddy to get that set up?”
“Yay!” yelled Maggie.
“Great. As soon as I finish this, I’ll haul the decorations in from the garage,” Chase said, without taking his head out of the underside of the tree. She practically ran out of the room when she realized she was checking him out, taking in the long legs in those jeans, the washboard abs that she’d catch glimpses of when his shirt rode up. She was a disaster.
Minutes later she was stirring some dark cocoa into the pot of milk. Maggie was sitting at the breakfast bar, spreading out all the candies that she was planning on decorating her gingerbread house with. “I’ve never made a gingerbread house before,” she said with a big grin.
“I used to make them every Christmas with my mom. My favorite part was sneaking candies while I was decorating the house,” she said, remembering her childhood fondly. She refused to let the pain of her bittersweet memory of her own son, and the fact that she had never been able to continue that tradition with him, overwhelm her. And she refused to wonder where she’d be next year, how she could go back to her condo in the city, knowing that Maggie and Chase were here.
“I need hot chocolate, now,” Chase said with a grin, walking into the kitchen.
Julia gave him a salute. “Right away, Sheriff.” She walked over to the stove to pour.
“Julia, we both know you’re not the type of woman to take orders,” he whispered, his deep voice filled with humor and something else. The something else that was currently making her blood hotter than the liquid in the pot. He was standing behind her, the heat from his body warming her. He had spoken almost in her ear and she knew if she tilted back slightly she’d feel him behind her.
“I’m not sure if that was a compliment or a complaint,” she answered, cringing at the breathlessness in her voice.
“Always a compliment, always,” he said, reaching around her to pour the hot chocolate into the waiting snowman mugs. He smelled of the crisp outdoors and pine and she wanted nothing more than to turn around, face him and kiss him, regardless of what would happen. Instead, she stood there, forcing herself to look normal, sound normal.
“Daddy, did you get the decorations? We have to stay on schedule. First the tree, then I’m doing the gingerbread house. Don’t forget the hot chocolate.”
“My work is never done,” he said under his breath, grabbing a cup, his warm fingers brushing against hers. She was glad when she heard them walking to the tree so she could compose herself for a moment. She took a deep breath and then another, before turning. Father and daughter were standing in front of the tree that now stood proudly in the great room, admiring it. Julia admired them.
“Auntie Julia, you make the best hot chocolate!” Maggie said, placing her cup down on the end table.
Julia took a sip of the warm chocolate drink and walked over to join them. “I’m glad you like it, honey.”
“I think it’s the best I’ve ever had too,” Chase said.
Once they finished their drinks, they started rummaging through the boxes and spent the next hour or so decorating the tree and stringing the lights. By the time they’d finished, dusk was setting in and the snow had picked up, and along with it a howling wind.
“Looks like that storm they were warning us about is starting,” Chase said. Julia caught the worry in his voice as he looked out the window.
“I was hoping maybe the weather reports were wrong.”
“Never wrong when it’s bad weather.”
“Okay, now that we’re done with this, it’s time to move on to the gingerbread house!” Maggie obviously wasn’t concerned with the weather in the least.
Chase laughed. “Aren’t you tired? Maybe we should save that for tomorrow. Why don’t we order some takeout or something?”
“Daddy.”
“If it’s still okay with you, Chase, I don’t mind making the house with Maggie. I haven’t made one of these in years,” she said. Maggie ran over to her and almost toppled them both over as she hugged Julia.
The look in Chase’s eyes made her heart squeeze. “If it’s okay with you, then it’s okay with me.”
“This is the best day of my life!” Maggie squealed as she ran out of the room.
Chase and Julia stood there looking at each other. The wind howled and the only other sound was Maggie unwrapping packages of candy in the kitchen. “Thanks for making this day so special for Maggie…for both of us.”
Julia blinked back tears. He adored his little girl, and she saw this softer side of him whenever she was around. “Thanks for including me.”
They didn’t move and she wondered when this had become so awkward. She also wondered what he’d do if it were just the two of them in here. She knew he felt what she was feeling. It was becoming impossible to ignore. She wondered if he’d walk across the room and kiss her. She also knew that thinking about him kissing her was not a wise thing to do because she was now having difficulty maintaining eye contact with the man.
Julia tilted her head toward the door. “I should probably go help her before she eats the candy and there’s none left for the actual house.”
…
“Ah hell,” Chase muttered, an hour later as he looked at his phone. “I’m sorry, ladies, but I gotta leave. We’ve got to close down the main roads heading into the county and there’s a pileup at least six cars out.” He was gathering his gear as he spoke, mentally running down what needed to get done before he got out there. “I’ll call Cassy and see if you can stay there tonight, Maggie.”
“I’ll stay. Here. With Maggie.”
He couldn’t say anything over the sound of Maggie screeching with glee and dancing around. “Julia, are you sure? I don’t know when I’m going to get back,” he said, shrugging into his winter jacket. It was going to be brutal out there tonight. He studied her face, noticing she looked pale.
She placed her arms around Maggie and gave her a hug. “Of course I’m sure. I’ll stay, don’t give us a second thought.”
“I’m going to get out our Christmas DVDs,” Maggie said, running out of the room.
Julia followed him to the front door and he shoved his boots on while she stood by quietly. Something was off. “You don’t have to stay, you know. She has a backpack that’s always ready to go in case I get called into work and I can easily drop her off.”
“Chase. Stop. I’m more than happy to spend the night with Maggie.”
He stood and zipped up his jacket, looking at her. His radio was going off non-stop now and he lowered it. One minute wouldn’t change the world.
“Bye, Maggie,” he called out. She ran to the front door, gave him a kiss and then ran out. He laughed. “I think you made her night.”
Julia gave him a small smile. “Chase?”
His hand was on the doorknob, his mind slowly leaving the house and onto whatever was waiting for him out there tonight.
Suddenly, she was reaching up to him, her arms wrapping around him. “Please be careful,” she whispered and he could have sworn he heard tears in her voice, felt a tremor run through her. Jesus. It was him, she was worried about him. He pulled back, bending at the knees slightly to look into her gorgeous green eyes. “I always am. I have a lot to come home to,” he said, his own voice gruff.
She nodded repeatedly, but the worry didn’t go away.
“I always come back, Julia,” he said, this time more forcefully.
Then he stepped out into the blizzard and it hit him, the night of Michael and Matthew’s accident. Of course she looked ill. This was bringing back all sorts of horrible memories, and maybe that’s what it had to do with, certainly more of that, and less of worry for him.
He pulled his SUV out of the driveway, wipers at full speed, forcing his mind off his irrational hurt and stupid sappiness, and trying to focus on the road, when there was zero visibility.
…
Julia forced herself to smile, to focus on having a fun night with Maggie, despite being anxious and panicky. “So what do you want to do first?” Maggie asked.
She tapped her chin and looked around the kitchen. “How about I get some dinner started for us?”
“Sure! Can I help?”
“Of course you can. What do you feel like eating?” She opened the fridge and frowned slightly, trying to figure out what she could make with the items in there. Their options were looking very limited.
“Hmm. Spaghetti and meatballs?”
Julia grimaced. “I don’t know if we have the right stuff for that, sweetie.”
“Oh. Yeah. Daddy doesn’t really cook. He tries to, but he says his talents are limited to bacon and eggs. So that’s what he makes me on Saturdays and he always makes them into a smiley face for me,” she said with a grin.
Oh, how her heart was in this constant state of squeezing whenever she was around this child.
Maggie continued, “Usually on Sundays we go to Auntie Cassy’s and Uncle Edward’s house, and they give us leftovers so Daddy doesn’t have to cook on Monday. Tuesday and Wednesday nights I eat dinner there and stay there after school until Daddy is finished at work. Thursday is Mrs. Peter’s day and she cleans up and does laundry and stuff and always starts dinner. Usually it’s beef stew and biscuits and it’s really good. And then Friday, Daddy and I get pizza. That’s my favorite.”
Julia knew how hard Chase worked, but when Maggie spelled out the days of the week, the full impact of all that he was juggling by himself hit her. He adored Maggie and it was obvious he was doing everything to make her childhood as good as he could, but she knew his job was demanding and yet somehow he made his little girl feel loved and safe and cherished. “Your daddy is a hard-working guy, isn’t he?”
Maggie nodded vigorously. “He is, Auntie Julia. He says we’re two peas in a pod. Something about me being even more stubborn than him!”
Julia laughed.
“On Saturday mornings he tries to sleep in,” she said with a giggle.
Christmas with the Sheriff Page 9
