Jamaican Karma

by T S Paul

  Chapter 3

  “What the hell are you supposed to be?” The voice sounded in my ear. Opening my eyes just a crack I could see a white blob on my face. Swinging my hand up I slapped my face.

  “Is that the best you can do? I can fly like a bubble bee and sting like a bear!” The voice said right next to me.

  My face still stinging from the slap, I rolled over the side of the bed and onto the floor with a loud thump. “Ow!”

  “Are you sure you’re a Were? My grandmother is more nimble than you,” the white blob on the edge of the bed said. Looking up, I could see a tiny horse looking down at me.

  Rubbing my eyes, I cursed, “Damn Mad Dog. When will I learn to not drink the whole bottle?”

  “You drank dog pee? Eeew! What sort of place did Agatha leave me?” The voice continued.

  Focusing I could see that the white blob wasn’t a horse. It was a tiny Unicorn with a blue mane. “You’re just a fig-newton of my imagination. If I got back to sleep, you’ll be gone.”

  Closing my eyes, I rolled over on the hard tiled floor and willed myself to sleep. Staying up to three a.m. drinking shots with the wolf boys did not a happy Mongo make.

  “Not so fast Polar Bear boy, you’re supposed to feed me. I like big salads and pizza. Start ordering,” the Unicorn replied.

  “What…” I blurted out reopening my eyes. The small creature was standing in front of my face looking at me. Even as I tried to speak another word, it shook its head threatening me with a shiny horn.

  “If you don’t make with the food soon, I’m going to stick you. It’s all about the horn with Unicorns you know? Pizza, now!” The Unicorn threatened.

  Burp!

  I couldn’t hold it in and a really loud and smelly beer laden burp left my body suddenly, followed by a barrage from the other end as well. “Gas attack! You better watch yourself dude.”

  “By Epona it’s in my eyes and my mouth! What kind of monster are you to harm innocent Unicorns like this? Phta… Phta…” The Unicorn started spitting like a llama with a mouth full of hay.

  My mouth still tasted of stale beer and last night’s chili, so I wiped my tongue on the sleeve of my shirt. “Are you really real?”

  “Are you really an idiot?” The Unicorn asked me.

  At that moment the door to my room opened up. Bending over to one side I watched as Chuck walked in balancing several pizza boxes and things on one hand. Taking one look at my predicament he barked out a laugh. “Oh good, you’ve met Fergus.”

  “This is who you left me with? This... this thing? He smells funny!” Fergus the Unicorn yelled out.

  “Dude, am I in a Disney movie or something? Tell me I’m still drunk,” I asked Chuck.

  “Nope no movies. Agatha hit you with a wake up spell when she dropped off the Unicorn. She told me you were her new project,” Chuck replied as he laid out the pizzas and other things on our one and only table. “Basically, you’re screwed.”

  Sitting up I stared at him and the tiny unicorn that was now eating a pizza. “Screwed in a good way?”

  Chuck laughed. “Yeah, right. Remind me to tell that one to Agatha. You realize she’s a really powerful Witch, right?”

  Climbing to my feet I approached the table, “I still haven’t figured out why you want to hang out with her.”

  The large pepperoni pizza was down one slice already and the unicorn was halfway through another. “Where does it all go?”

  “Magick. That’s what the girls say whenever I ask the same thing. Agatha tried to tell me it was this wacko time space differential where the insides of Fergus’s stomach were actually full sized as they’d be on a normal unicorn. But the spell that made him short rewired that completely. Think Tardis crossed with a horse that never shuts up,” Chuck explained.

  “Slacker,” Fergus muttered as he finished the last bite of his second slice. “Where’s my salad?”

  Chuck held up his hand palm out. “Talk to the hand buddy. If you’d bothered to look you would see it right there. And before you ask, yes, they added the olives and anchovies. How does a horse eat fish anyway?”

  “I’m not a horse,” Fergus replied with a mouth full of salad. “Anchovies are just little bits of salty goodness.”

  “And that explains the Ferg,” Chuck waved at the bottomless pit with tiny feet.

  “Interesting folks you hang out with, why inflict them on me?” I asked him.

  Chuck blinked and simply stared at me for a long moment. Shaking his head slightly he explained, “You need help. I get this whole freedom-hippy-vibe you’ve got going, but this isn’t really a college. It’s the FBI Academy and not just that it’s the one specifically for our people. We’re the ones proving to the world that we matter, that paranormals aren’t just freaks of nature. Whether you like it or not, they are going to clean up your act.”

  “No choice?” I asked him.

  “Not even a little one. Agatha might be a Witch, but Cat is an Alpha. The power the two of them casually wield will change the world as we know it,” Chuck explained to me. “Suck it up and enjoy the ride.”

  And what a ride it was.

  Chapter 4

  Opening my eyes, I looked at the reason for my deep thoughts. Winston. “What happened to the tiki?”

  “It was there, then it wasn’t. Because it came from the family, Hina wanted it in a prominent spot in the house so all could see it. I picked dead center on top of the entertainment center,” Winston explained.

  Whipping out his phone he called up a series of pictures of the ugly little thing. And man was it ugly. Small, about the size of a soda can, it depicted a short, squat, little man with a big tongue. And it was angry, very angry.

  “That’s an heirloom?” It looked more like something you’d give an enemy instead of a friend.

  “It’s supposed to depict one of the aspects of the God Ku. Ku-waha-ilo to be specific,” Winston answered thumbing through several pictures of the little monster on his phone. “We had a big house party the other day and someone took him.”

  “And you didn’t notice it?” I asked.

  “Nope. Hina sat down to eat last night and noticed it was gone. With all the cleanup and everything we just missed it. There weren’t any strangers at the party and all of our other valuables are there, we checked. Just the tiki is gone,” Winston replied.

  I sighed. “Do you have a list of who was there?”

  “Of course, but why would any of our friends do this?” Winston asked with a puzzled look on his face.

  Chapter 5

  Skuzzy. That was the name one of Winston’s oldest friends went by. The Scuzmaster was one of six people at the most recent house party. Or condo party as it should really be called. I actually knew the man but not by that name. In school he’d been Gabriel Zolman. A brief search on a website I wasn’t exactly supposed to still have access to gave me his whole sordid story. Sex, drugs, and rock-and-roll were involved.

  A failed government program called CURE, once associated with subtle assassinations and other more direct forms of law enforcement, deeded the FBI a unique search engine that held more information about normal citizens than it should. As an FBI analyst I had access to this information. Before quitting I may have installed a backdoor to it. Just for curiosity's sake of course.

  Gabriel was a geek in high school. At least until his junior year. Trying to fit in, he got involved with a Goth group. These Goths weren’t drug addicts or dangerous people. They liked Emo music and liked to wear black all the time. It was the music that interested Gabe not the culture. That came later. He transitioned from Emo to Metal, from Metal to Black Metal, and from there to experimental music. He became a walking, talking, fountain of music history and lore. So much so he was able to land a nice job at one of the mega music stores that littered the suburban retail landscape. It was there he met a girl.

  I knew from painful experience how easy it was to be taken advantage of by the fairer sex. As a bear I had little choice when biology too
k hold, but Gabe was human and humans can be frail creatures. His downfall was a woman named Ruth. She chased him only so far as to make him her own. It didn’t help that she was technically his supervisor at work. Immersing himself in the music was his job, but it was her job to rein him in and keep his mind on work. With tacit approval Gabe began to dress and look the part of metal fan. Gone was the straight clean-cut employee. Long hair, dark clothing, and eye makeup became his new work uniform. Backstage passes and partying with the band was the new norm for him. Need a ticket, need some swag, need a hit was his new mantra. The bands got him up and Ruth brought him down. Until upper management became involved that is.

  When a company is going through budget cuts and remodeling they look for the easy target and Gabe fell into that category. Looking like a short, chunky version of the singer Rob Zombie in full stage makeup with a bone through his nose doesn’t scream corporate in any version of the word. Gabe and his boss slash girlfriend soon found themselves out on the street. Keeping both the monkey on his back and the woman in his life happy proved too much for him. Hence his fall from grace (not her name) and his move back to Madison.

  “Gabriel?” I asked as the door opened.

  “Mongo! Dude I haven’t seen you in years. How’d you find me?” Gabriel cried recognizing me. Gone was the garish makeup and tribal accents. Dressed similar to me he looked almost normal.

  “Winston. I got back in town a year or so ago and opened up my own PI business. Winston hired me recently. Can we talk?” I asked him.

  “Sure sure, come on in,” Gabe waved me inside.

  Like a cop I focused in on everything in the room. I was trained to take everything in at a single glance. Spotting illegal weapons, drugs, and other paraphernalia was an art most in law enforcement excelled at. It was the primary reason civilians shouldn’t ever just let us in without a warrant. You never know what we might see!

  Gabe’s apartment was practically empty. A couple of lawn chairs surrounded what appeared to be a large wooden spool. The kind the power company used for new wires. Milk carton shelving completed the picture.

  “Nice bachelor pad you’ve got here,” I pointed to the ‘table.’

  “Eh, it’s what I can afford. After Ruth left, I didn’t have all that much, just chairs and an old mattress. I got lucky with the table. The power guys were just gonna abandon it out by the highway,” Gabe explained in a low voice.

  “Ruth left? I’d heard you two were pretty hot and heavy at the store,” I asked him.

  Gabe groaned. “Don’t remind me about that. Did you know she was a quarter Succubus? Total news to me. I suppose the three kids with different fathers might’ve been a tip off, but I was too blind to see it. Who knew I had a drug habit?”

  I raised my hand and waved at him. “Schools should really teach us about moderation. I’ve been there buddy. I took stuff to make the FBI Academy more interesting and fun. Succubus… sounds like fun. She sure didn’t demonstrate that when we were in school.”

  “Oh it was there, you left before she really went wild. Not even the mailman was safe from her lust. She got into trouble at work for over-affectionate hugging. I think…” Gabe paused looking around the room. “I think I shouldn’t have allowed her to move in or to take major advantage of me. On our fourth or fifth ‘date’ she took me out to her parent’s house. We weren’t really dating more hooking up than anything. They lived way, way, way out in the boonies. For a moment I thought I heard banjos. If her parents had said squeal like a pig I would’ve hit the road right then and there, but I didn’t. What they did say was one of those signposts that every confirmed bachelor should be watching for.”

  Scooting forward in my lawn chair I leaned down a bit to meet his eyes, “What did they say?”

  Gabe almost giggled before speaking three words. “No more children.”

  I felt my jaw drop open for a moment, “Say what?”

  Pointing at my face Gabe nodded. “That was my look right there. Not hello. Not who are you? Not even nice to meet you. No, I got no more children. If I’d been in my right mind instead of high as a kite I should’ve taken that as a clue to hightail it out of the county! But I didn’t. Her dad was an Incubus, well a half. Her mom was human, I think. Still not totally sure. They were both extremely dirty and looked as though they’d climbed out of a pit somewhere. Turns out he was a combine repairman, working for one of the big cotton companies and his wife one of the brooders out at the chicken ranch. We’d caught them just as they got home. None of that stopped me from letting her and her hellions move in me. That was just days before the store dropped the hammer on me and my world fell apart. Did Winston tell you about that?”

  “Sort of,” I gave the apartment another look. “She leave?”

  “Pretty much. Took the kids, the car, the furniture, and all the rent money. I had to sell whatever stash I had put up to cover things so I could get a job.” Gabe’s eyes got wide all of a sudden as he realized what he’d just said. “You’re… You’re not still a cop are you?”

  For a split second I thought about screwing with him and saying yes, but he seemed to be down to his last nickel and to be truthful I’m not a nasty minded person. It takes a Unicorn to be that way. “I’m a private investigator not a narc.”

  Looking relieved, Gabe let out the breath he’d been holding in, “Thank the Gods. A possession rap is all I need now that I’m getting on track again. Last week KVMP FM 107 hired me to be their late-night jock. It’s a win-win with all the stuff I know about music and things. Scuzzies Dark Box is what I’m calling it. You should tune in.”

  “I might just. Dude, before I forget, Winston wanted me to ask you something. Did you notice anything funky at the party? Someone took that really stupid looking Hawaiian statue of Hina’s. According to him, you were sitting where you could see the thing the whole time. He said you never got off the couch once,” I asked him.

  Gabe twisted his lips into a frown as he looked down at the wooden spool table in front of him. “Small ugly little thing on top of the entertainment center? I remember telling Winston I thought it was watching me. A couple of beers is all I do these days but, to be honest, I wasn’t paying all that much attention. Abbie and the leather girls were sitting right across from me and every time she leaned forward I got to see what the mountains of Mordor really looked like. If you get my meaning.”

  Flipping past several barbecue stained pages, I found the list I’d been given. “Abigail Jungle, Jen Edwardo, and Crystal Mac, are they the ones you’re talking about?”

  “Yup. They’ve got Goth names as well, but I can never remember them,” Gabe made quote marks with his hands. “They all share an apartment over near the college. All three of them are big time movers and shakers in the LGBT crowd around here so watch yourself. They’re pretty kinky.”

  Chapter 6

  The Sisters of Leather were new to me. I’d gone to Quantico before they burst onto the scene in Huntsville. The house they supposedly shared was right on the edge of Redstone Arsenal near the highway. At first glance, it made me wonder what the girls did for a living it was so nice.

  “Yeah, we were at that party,” Abigail replied when I explained who I was. “We all used to work with Hina at the Shoppes Mall. Those were the days I’ll tell you. Chicks everywhere.” Looking both left then right she elicited laughs from the two leather clad girls next to her. “What’d we do that brings you to us?”

  All three girls glared at me from across the room. Glancing around the room I took in the fine furnishings and high-class art. Nothing here screamed common theft or scam. Looking across the small table we sat around I smiled. “Nothing. Yesterday after the party Hina and Winston noticed that their tiki idol wasn’t where it used to be. Since both you three and Gabe were on or near the couch all night, we figured you might’ve seen who moved it.”

  Surprised, the girls all looked at each other for a moment before Abigail spoke. “I didn’t see anyone, but we played Monopoly most of the night. G
abe might be a loser but he’s a good gamer.” She looked to her right. “Jen what about you?”

  Resembling a short haired Kate Beckinsale, Jen Edwardo was dressed in skin-tight leathers complete with chain accents. Her ‘sister’ Crystal Mac wore a matching outfit but in red instead of black. Both girls had vacant eyes and stiff sullen expressions making me wonder about what it was they did for a living.

  “It could have been Giuseppe. Remember? He mentioned how ugly the thing was and spent half the night digging through Winston’s DVD collection. Like Abigail we had our backs to the tv most of the night,” Jen explained.