Other Side of the Wall

by Jennifer Peel

  I could hear several emergency vehicles as I approached the hospital. This was going to be a long, hard night, not just for our staff, but for all involved. I suited up immediately and scrubbed when I got there, and I started helping with receiving and assessing patients and ranking them on severity and urgency of treatment to make sure we treated the critical ones first. It seemed like there was a never-ending line of the injured and not enough hands. Heartbreakingly, age was no discriminator. Scared little ones in the ER were my kryptonite. I tried my best to comfort them when I assessed them, but they had just been through a major trauma, and some had critically injured parents. I knew I had to keep my emotions in check, but it was hard at times.

  An hour in, an eight year old little girl was brought in. She had to be removed with the Jaws of Life and life-flighted in. I met them on the rooftop along with several other medical personnel; it was my job to remember all the information given to us by the paramedics as we rushed her into the OR. It was one of those cases where her outside injuries didn’t compare to the damage on the inside. We knew she was bleeding internally, and we were racing against the clock to find where, in order to stop it. Her blood pressure was dropping quickly, and I knew we were losing her. We tried everything we could to keep her going while we tried to stop the massive bleeding. It was to no avail. Her time of death was called, and we all stood still for just a moment.

  Afterward, I just kept looking at this sweet, young, lifeless girl with honey colored hair. She reminded me of my friend Nancy’s little girl from Orange Beach. I don’t know why, but I reached out and stroked her hair, and I prayed for a miracle. But it never came.

  You think I would be used to death, but you never get used to it, especially for one so young. You never get used to the heart-wrenching cries of loved ones as they weep over the bodies of those they love. I remember the first time I saw death. It was in this ER. I had never dealt with the death of a patient until I moved here. It was a middle aged man; he had a heart attack right here in the ER. I came home that morning seeking comfort from Peter, but all he could say was, “Ava that’s real life, you need to toughen up.” He couldn’t even just hold me. I didn’t want to be tough. Strong yes, tough never. There’s a difference.

  By the time I left the ER, it was close to 5am. It had been a brutal night, but we only had the one casualty. Others had died, but it was on scene. I cried all the way home. I parked my jeep in front of my house; I didn’t even bother with the garage. I was emotionally and physically drained. I didn’t want to be by myself. I needed a friend. I needed Scott. I had wanted him all week, but I was trying to give him his space.

  I made a split-second decision and walked up his porch instead of mine. I knew it was early, but the thought of being alone … I just couldn’t do it. I tentatively knocked on his door and waited. I was surprised when he answered fairly quickly. He was obviously surprised to see me so early on a Saturday morning. His hair was unkempt, and he was wearing a white cotton t-shirt and black pajama pants. As soon as I saw him, I broke down. The emotion of the night and the emotion of how I felt about him overwhelmed me.

  “Ava, what’s wrong?” He pulled me into his house.

  And without thinking about how he might react, I embraced him. I clung to him for dear life. I knew he hesitated for a second, but then he wrapped his arms around me. I just cried. I couldn’t speak. He pulled tighter and began to stroke my hair, he whispered words of comfort in my ear, though he had no idea what was wrong. He had no idea what that meant to me and how safe and warm I felt in his arms. We stood like that for several minutes. Finally, my cries became intermittent shudders.

  He eventually let go, but he put his arm around me and led me to the couch. If I had to guess, I think he had been sleeping there. That would explain why he answered the door so quickly. As we sat down, he stroked my cheek. “Tell me what I can do for you.”

  “Please just hold me.”

  Without hesitation he pulled me to him once again. I laid my head against his t-shirt clad chest and closed my eyes.

  I felt him kiss my head. “Whatever it is, it will be ok.”

  I was too tired to respond, but he didn’t seem to mind. As he rubbed my back, I relaxed and eventually fell asleep there on his chest. I don’t know how long I slept there, but when I awoke, it was light out. Scott had pulled a blanket around me, but his arms were still held me as I began to stir. I slowly sat up, and in the process, extricated myself from him. I regretted leaving his arms, but I figured I couldn’t stay there all day, even though I would have liked to.

  As I sat up, he looked at me thoughtfully. The first thing I asked was what time it was. Scott said it was around nine.

  “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to fall asleep.”

  He touched my cheek softly. “It’s ok, I enjoyed it.”

  I smiled.

  “Ava, what happened?”

  I told him about my night and about little Kelsie. I couldn’t help but cry when I talked about her. “Peter told me I needed to toughen up and get over this and death was just a part of life, but I just don’t know if I can.”

  He wiped some of my tears away. “Ava, Peter’s an idiot and he didn’t deserve you.”

  I laid my head back against his couch and turned toward him. “I really am sorry to have woken you so early. I just didn’t want to be alone and I missed you.”

  I couldn’t help but throw that last part in there. I did miss him.

  He leaned back too, so our faces were close together. He tucked some of my hair behind my ear. “You don’t need to apologize, I missed you too.” He stroked my hair again. “By the way, I like what you did with your hair.”

  “Thanks, your mom cut it for me. I really like her.”

  He smiled. “She likes you too.”

  I reluctantly sat up. “I guess I should go home.”

  He stood up and helped pull me up. Every muscle in my body ached and protested.

  Surprisingly, he held my hand as he walked me to the door. And more surprisingly, I didn’t feel his wedding ring. I didn’t say anything, but inwardly I smiled.

  Chapter 8

  Scott told me to go and get some rest and he would pick me up later so we could grocery shop and do whatever else I felt like doing. I wanted to tell him I was in for a repeat of this morning, minus the tears, but I wasn’t sure if I should push my luck with him.

  As soon as I walked through my door, I went straight to the fridge and grabbed a pre-made bottled smoothie and downed it in seconds. Then I headed for the shower and stayed there until the hot water ran out. I didn’t bother with hair or make-up; I just threw on my robe, curled up on my bed, and slept for a couple of more hours. I was getting too old to stay up all night. When I woke up, I still felt tired, but I didn’t want to waste away the day in bed, and I really wanted to see Scott. This morning had given me hope that maybe, just maybe, we could be more than friends.

  I know grocery shopping doesn’t sound exciting, but I just loved being with him. I didn’t care what we did. I also remembered my Mom’s words to me about Peter: we hadn’t lived enough real life around each other. I didn’t know where Scott and I were headed, but one thing I could say for sure was that we were living real life together.

  Around two, Scott came over and we headed to the nearby Whole Foods. He surprised me again by holding my hand in the parking lot as we walked in. The ring was still gone. I wondered why he finally took it off, but no matter the reason, I was happy about it. I loved the way my hand felt in his, and I loved the way he looked down at me and smiled. He had a ways to look down, too, as he was quite a bit taller than me. I stood at 5’4’, and he was at least 6’ 2’.

  We were like an old married couple as we shopped. I added things to his cart that I knew he bought on a weekly basis, and he did the same for me. I had a feeling, though, that we might have annoyed the other shoppers as we took our time going through each aisle side by side, talking to one another. It was like only we existed.

 
He filled me in on the beluga calf and one of his newly pregnant dolphins. He sounded like a proud daddy. I told him about my time with his mom and how I was going to have lunch with her on Tuesday. He looked at me strangely.

  “Is that alright with you?” I asked

  He stopped in the middle of the aisle and stared at me. He didn’t say anything for a second. “I think it’s great you get along with my mom, it’s just I wish she and Jenna would have gotten along better.”

  I didn’t know what to say. I knew his mom didn’t like Jenna, and it sounded like perhaps she had valid reasons, but I’m pretty sure Scott didn’t need or want me to express that. I also wished we could go one day together without him mentioning her, especially in relation to me. I know it was selfish and maybe even wrong to feel that way, but I couldn’t help it.

  I decided to respond to it by changing the subject. “How about I make dinner for us tonight?”

  I think I caught him off guard. “Are you sure you’re up to it?”

  I winked. “I think I can manage it.”

  “That sounds great then.”

  We finished our shopping with no more talk of Jenna. Besides I already knew everything she liked and disliked at that store, and like most things, it was the opposite of my taste. At least the dislikes; she seemed like a very picky and particular person that found fault in things that I wouldn’t have even noticed. The more I knew about her, the more I didn’t see her and Scott together, but I guess opposites attract. I wondered if that didn’t bode well for the two of us.

  But Scott was just full of surprises today. First, he walked over to the floral section and asked me what kind of flowers I liked. I told him I pretty much loved all flowers, but I loved the sunflower bouquets that came out this time of year, so he picked out the biggest bouquet he could find and put it in his cart. He teasingly thanked me for the suggestion and hoped the woman he was having dinner with liked them. Then, in the parking lot with our carts, he raced me to his car. Of course, he won—his legs are much longer than mine, and he wasn’t up all night treating patients, but I demanded a rematch the next weekend. He said I was on. I just loved to see him happy and laughing.

  Scott helped me in with my groceries and said he would be back in an hour. I didn’t know why, but I changed into something nicer. I had been wearing yoga pants and a t-shirt, which was totally appropriate for grocery shopping and hanging out with your friend, but for some reason I felt like tonight was more like a date (at least I thought so). He was bringing flowers, after all. I also touched up my hair and make-up. I was still loving my new do.

  I was going to make balsamic steak rolls and garlic mashed potatoes, so I began chopping the peppers, carrots, and celery all julienne style. Just as I was peeling the potatoes, there was a knock on my door. For some reason, I felt a little nervous. I knew I shouldn’t, it was just Scott, but it felt different.

  I opened the door to find that he had changed into something nicer too. I couldn’t help but grin. He stood with his hands behind his back. As soon as I greeted him, he pulled the flowers from behind his back.

  I eagerly accepted them and breathed in their scent. “For me? What a surprise. You have excellent taste.”

  He winked. “I had a feeling you would like them.”

  “Thank you. I really do love them.”

  “You’re welcome, Ava.”

  He followed me back to the kitchen and I immediately pulled out one of the many vases I had. Peter had sent me an inordinate amount of flowers after our separation. The flowers had always gone in the trash, but I hated throwing away the vases. As I arranged the flowers in the vase, Scott asked if he could help. I told him just to sit and relax and that I had it covered; it was the least I could do for getting him up so early.

  Unexpectedly he took me in his arms and rested his hands on the small of my back. “It’s the best wake-up call I’ve had in a long time.”

  I looked up at him. “Is that so?”

  “Yes, Ava.”

  “Thank you, Scott. You don’t know what it meant to me.”

  He grinned mischievously. “I think I may have an idea, you kept saying my name in your sleep.”

  I could feel my face turn red. I hoped he was joking. “I did not.”

  “How can you deny it? You were sleeping.”

  Oh, I was going to deny for eternity. Peter had never mentioned me talking in my sleep.

  “You know, I think I do need help, you can peel the potatoes,” I said.

  “It’s nothing to be embarrassed about,” he said before letting me go and laughing at me.

  He was definitely in a lighthearted mood that night. I was curious as to what had caused the change. Whatever it was, I hoped it continued, and I hoped to find myself in his arms often. With Scott’s help, dinner was ready in no time. We ate at the breakfast bar since it was just the two of us.

  Halfway through the meal his mom called. He asked if I minded if he picked up. I told him not at all. I wanted to stay on his mom’s good side; I had a feeling you never wanted to get on her bad one. She was so loud I could hear her on the other end.

  “Scott, this is your mother.” Like he didn’t know. Her voice was unmistakable. He smiled at me. I’m sure he knew I could hear her loud and clear. “I know I’ve been trying to stay out of your relationship with Ava, but son, you’re being an idiot. She’s such a good girl, so smart, so beautiful. You would have to be a friggin’ moron to let her go. She told me she hasn’t seen you at all this week. You should have seen how sad she looked. What the heck is wrong with you?”

  I had to stifle my laugh. Scott tried to get a word in, but failed miserably. “Ok, this is what you are going to do. You’re going to bring her over here tomorrow night for dinner and games. I mean it, Scotty. If you don’t bring her, don’t even bother coming over here. I don’t care what you have to do to convince her to come over here. Maybe buy her some flowers, but nice ones, she looks like a girl with good taste.”

  “Mom!” he finally got in.

  “What son? Why did you have to yell, I’m your mother.”

  He looked at me and winked. “Mom, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to yell. I just wanted you to know I’m in the middle of having dinner with Ava now and I already brought her flowers.”

  “Oh, Scotty, you don’t know how happy that makes me. Tell Ava hi, you know what, never mind, put her on the phone.”

  Scott rolled his eyes, but he handed me the phone.

  “Ava, sweetheart. How are you? Is my son treating you right? Did he buy nice flowers?”

  I smiled and winked at an embarrassed Scott.

  “He’s treating me very well; in fact I think he just offered to do the dishes. And, yes, the flowers are lovely.”

  “I knew you were trouble,” Scott whispered.

  I gave him me best wicked grin.

  “Listen sweetheart, I wanted to invite you over to dinner tomorrow night, you can bring Scotty if you like.”

  “I would love to come to dinner and bring Scott. What else can I bring? Dessert perhaps?”

  “Oh no, just yourself will be perfect.”

  “I look forward to it. Thank you!”

  We said our goodbyes and I handed the phone back over to Scott. His mom gave him more instructions on how to treat me properly and reminded him that no me meant no invite for him.

  He hung up. “Apparently my mother loves you more than she loves me.”

  “Well of course she does, you’re a friggin’ moron.” I tried and failed to use my best Chicago accent; this southern girl just didn’t have it in her.

  Scott laughed so hard it was worth it. When he was done laughing at me, it was like he remembered something, and he became a little somber. He looked at me and rested his palm against my cheek. His hand felt so warm. “Ava, I’m sorry I’ve been distant lately. I just didn’t expect you and it’s confusing. Does that make sense?”

  I laid my own hand against his, on my cheek. “Maybe a little. But I’m willing and totally available
to help you clear up any and all confusion surrounding me.”

  He shook his head and smiled. “See, this is what I mean.”

  “What?”

  “It’s just you, being you.”

  “Is that a bad thing?”

  “No, Ava, it’s a very good thing and that’s what’s so confusing.”

  “Scott, I’m trying to understand and I don’t mean to be confusing, but I didn’t expect you either. I didn’t expect a lot of things in my life, but to me, you’re one of those rare moments when life hands you an unexpected blessing.”

  He looked at me tenderly. “Ava…”

  “Yeah?”

  “You’re doing it again.”

  “I can’t be anyone else, Scott.”

  I turned from him and we finished eating.

  Chapter 9

  After dinner I asked him if he wanted to watch the movie I had rented the night before but didn’t get the chance to watch.

  He thought for a moment. “You know, I think I’m just going to go for a run.”

  “Do you want company?” I asked hopefully. Sometimes we ran together.

  “Not tonight, I just need to clear my head,” he responded with no apology.

  Apparently he needed to do that a lot. I got the feeling it was me he wanted to get out of his head. He stood up. “I’ll do the dishes first.”

  “That’s ok. There’s not much to do, I got it.” I was a clean as you go kind of person.

  He kissed my forehead. “Dinner was great. Goodnight, Ava. I’ll see you tomorrow night.”

  “Yeah, goodnight.” I tried to keep the hurt out of my voice. I’m not sure how well I did, but he didn’t even pause. He turned and left. I didn’t even walk him out. I sat there a little stunned. I felt like I was a yo-yo with him. Up and down and up and down. My eyes began to water a little and a few tears escaped. It seemed silly to cry, maybe I was just tired. I got up to do the dishes, but the tears wouldn’t stop. I decided I was definitely just tired. I also decided I was lying to myself.