Idolize (Dark Storm Book 1)

by Maggie Mundy

Two hours later, her stomach was full, but her mind was still a jumble of thoughts. She wanted to phone Sasha, but she needed more information, even though it was killing her to not know how her little boy was coping. A woman in a smart navy suit tapped on her door.

  “Hi Cassi. I’m Doctor Patricia Harding. You look much better today.”

  “To be honest, I don’t really remember much of anything, including you, but I’ll take your word for it that I look better. How long have I been here? For that matter, where am I?”

  The doctor sat on the chair next to the bed. Cassi clasped her hands together to stop them from shaking. She wasn’t sure she wanted to hear these things.

  “This is Greensborough Hospital, and it’s been three weeks. We needed to keep you medicated for your own safety most of the time. You weren’t lucid and wanted to self-harm. Can you remember anything?”

  “It all seems blurry. It’s as if people were walking around me, but it wasn’t real. I couldn’t hear what they were saying. Then I wasn’t here, but back in my past.” Cassi could feel her breath getting shallow and rapid as she waited for the pictures to come back. They didn’t, though she sensed they were still hovering in the background.

  “Over the past week, you’ve been having fewer flashbacks and we reduced the medication. What I would like to do from here on, is see if we can work together so this won’t be an issue for you in the future.”

  That all sounded very nice, but Cassi didn’t think she would ever be able to wipe her slate clean ever again. She thought traveling to the other side of the country would work, but her past followed her and all she had done was mess up a beautiful person’s life. Where was Declan?

  “I’m happy to work with you, but can I ask a few questions?”

  The doctor nodded.

  “I’d like to see my son. Also, how long will I have to stay here, and how is Declan?”

  “Of course you can see Tommy. Feel free to arrange a visit today. As for how long you need to be here, that’s your choice, but I would like to see you stay a few more weeks to ensure you feel able to cope. As for Mr. Reed, he phones daily to see how you are. In the past weeks you refused to have him here.”

  “He’s paying for all this, isn’t he?”

  She nodded. Cassi wasn’t sure how she would ever repay him, but considered the fairest thing would be to let him get on with his life.

  “I’ll let you shower and call back later. If you are up to it, we could start the sessions tomorrow.”

  Two hours later, Sasha stood at the door, holding Tommy’s hand. Her little boy had a box of chocolates in the other hand that was almost as big as he was. He looked scared as he glanced across at her. She never wanted him to be scared of her. Cassi jumped off the bed and held her arms open wide.

  “Come and give me a hug, you gorgeous boy.”

  A huge smile spread across Tommy’s face as he ran across. She picked him up and wrapped him in her arms.

  “I brought chocolates. Can I have some?”

  That was more the Tommy she knew. She opened the box and three were gone in a number of minutes before she took the box away. She went over to the sink and got some wet tissues to clean him up, as the chocolate was smeared across his face.

  “I think we should go outside and feed the ducks, and then you can have another chocolate when we get back.”

  Tommy threw bread out to the ducks and ran around the garden. Cassi sat down with Sasha.

  “I’ll never be able to say thank you enough for looking after him.”

  Sasha thumped her on the arm. “Shut up, you stupid woman. You just coped with some terrible shit and we’ll get through it the best we can. I love him and you, and it’s what people do. Audrey wants to come and see you here, unless you can come home. Did they say how long you’ll be here?”

  “I could leave now, but I think I’ll stay another week or so if you can manage. It may sound silly, but having my mind back again is scary. I’m worried I’ll lose it again.”

  “We moved into the flat above the shop. Declan wanted us to stay, but it didn’t seem right without you there, plus they’re both heading off to New Zealand next week. He was trying to put it off, but the contract said he has to go. Have you talked to him yet?”

  “No. I have decided to let him go, if it’s what he wants. I can barely think straight and he should be free to find someone else. All I can think of is getting my mind straight to look after Tommy.”

  “I think you’re throwing away the best thing that’s ever happened to you, but I understand. I think you two were the right people at the wrong time. I reckon he would sit around forever if he thought he had a chance.”

  Tommy ran back over. “The ducks are full. Can I have another chocolate?”

  An hour later, Tommy went home with Sasha. He said he would bring a picture back tomorrow to brighten up her room. She was so tired that she lay on the bed and her eyes drooped.

  When she opened them, it was dark outside and the bedside light was on. As she gazed across the room, she realized Declan was sitting in the chair opposite. Her heart ached for him. He came across and stood beside the bed, but didn’t touch her. She could see the need in his eyes. Before she thought about what she was doing, she threw her legs over the side of the bed and put her hands out to him. He pulled her to him and his lips touched hers, and for a moment she allowed herself to believe they could be a perfect couple with a future together.

  His tongue searched her mouth with hunger. His body moved closer to the bed as his arms wrapped around her body. As he pressed against her, she could feel his erection. For a second, the strangers’ faces haunted her again. Her breath caught in her throat as she pushed him away with a scream building in her throat. She didn’t want to reject him, but had to send him away if there was a chance they could ever be together in the long run.

  She couldn’t breathe. The air wouldn’t go into her lungs. Declan came back with a nurse, and Doctor Harding arrived soon after. They gave her an injection and the calmness started to come back as she lay on the bed.

  When the doctor was happy with her, Declan walked back in. She needed to do this now before she changed her mind.

  “Declan, I need to say something and I want you to listen.”

  He sat down on the edge of the chair.

  “Sasha told me you’re going to New Zealand next week. I want you to go. I also think you should be free to find someone else while you’re away.”

  He went to stand up, but she put her hand up and he sat back down. She could see the tears forming in his eyes, but she needed to be strong for them both.

  “What we had was wonderful while it lasted, but I can’t think straight at the moment. I don’t expect you to wait for me to sort myself out.”

  “That’s my choice to make.”

  “I want you to be happy and have a life, and I truly believe that won’t happen with me right now. Go to New Zealand, meet new people, and live. You always wanted to go and have the chance to work with such a great director. It’s your dream.”

  “I thought that was my dream, but I’d rather have you.”

  It wasn’t that she didn’t love him. After what had happened, she loved him even more. She just didn’t believe they could live together with this hanging over their heads at the moment. Would she freak out every time he touched her and ruin what they had? He was crying. She could see the lines of tears down his cheeks, but she couldn’t falter now. This had been a relationship based on so many things: fear, lack of truth, and death. She needed to sort her brain out. Being near him would make her destroy what they had. She needed to convince him of that.

  “Why?” he asked.

  She bit her bottom lip for a moment to stop it trembling. Was she being a fool? It didn’t matter. She needed to know who she was to be able to go on and give Tommy a life, and maybe have a relationship with Declan again. This had always been too fast. Sasha was right. Right people, wrong time.

  “I need to find me again. I can’t be with
you until I do. I don’t want to think every time you touch me, I’ll react the way I did. It would destroy everything we had.”

  “So I’m being dumped? Nothing I can say will make you change your mind?”

  “I want us to be together, but not like this. I think…”

  “Don’t say anymore now. I want us to speak again when we both want the same thing.”

  He got up and they both stood awkwardly as if unsure whether they should hug. He opened his mouth to say something, but stopped. A part of her wanted to ask what he was about to say, but she didn’t have the right.

  He left and she sensed she might never see him again. Why couldn’t she yell “stop”? She had thought she was strong when she met him. She'd come across the country and found a new life. The truth was she had grabbed onto him as soon as he appeared. She needed to know she could survive anyway, but choose to be with him.

  When he left, the nurse came back in. She held Cassi’s hand. Cassi cried until her throat was raw and her head ached. The nurse gave her a sleeping tablet, but she didn’t want to wake up to this pain again. The only light that kept her going was Tommy. He needed her and she would hold onto that.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Declan stood at the airport and handed his ticket to the woman at the counter. Within fifteen hours, he would be in New Zealand. It was somewhere he had always wanted to go but not now. He wanted to be here with Cassi, but she’d sent him away.

  Her past didn’t matter to him. He wanted to wrap her up in his arms and make all the pain go away. When he held her at the hospital, he had made things worse by bringing everything back again. Cassi was right. The only way they might have a future together was to be apart.

  He wanted to stay, but it was right to go even if it felt wrong. Someone patted him on the back and he turned to Jack. He was glad his brother was coming with him. If anyone could cheer him up, it would be Jack. His reckless brother drove him mad most of the time, but right now he could cope with getting blind drunk with him. James would kill him if he got thrown off the plane in disgrace. Declan wanted the booze to take the edge off this pain.

  “Let’s get you through to the lounge and a drink. You look like you might kill anyone who asks you something,” Jack said.

  Jack was right, but thankfully there were no paparazzi around today. Declan had called Mitch the day before and the tough-guy pap had spread a rumor he was flying out the next day. He owed him. He asked Mitch to keep an eye out for Cassi, too. No one would mess with Mitch. The guy was tall and ripped and had a way of looking at people that made them back off.

  In the lounge, Jack came over with a brandy. Declan took a gulp and sighed. How the hell did it come to this?

  “So what you going to do then, mate?”

  “I’m going to do what she says and stay away, even if it’s the last thing I want to do. The shoot will take at least three months. When I get back, I’ll see how she’s doing. Women like Cassi don’t come into your life that often. I’m not giving up.”

  “I’ll keep in contact with Sasha, if you want. You never know, I might still have a chance with her.”

  Declan shook his head. “She could eat you up and spit you out for breakfast. It would give me a laugh to watch, though. Hell, I could do with a chuckle right now.”

  The order to board came and Declan settled in for the long flight. His mind should have been on the job ahead, but all he could think of was Cassi alone in the room in the hospital. He had to believe she would take him back. He would not accept a future without her in it.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Two weeks later, Cassi was about to have her final session and if it went well, she would be going home. Only home was now the building Audrey purchased. The downstairs was being renovated and the upstairs redecorated. Audrey wasn’t charging them any rent, and said she didn’t want to move in anymore as she was moving in with Tristin. Cassi was pleased for them. It was good to know someone was happy.

  She sat down opposite Doctor Harding and took a deep breath. The sessions were getting easier, but she was still worried something would pop up again and send her tumbling backward in a panic.

  “So how do you feel about leaving today?”

  “Scared. It’s been nice to be separated from the real world for a bit. I want to get back out there for Tommy, and that’s what motivates me. I think I’ll cope if things trigger reactions, but I guess I’ll know when it happens.”

  Doctor Harding wrote notes down and Cassi wondered what they said.

  “I think you’ve progressed well and you are desensitizing yourself to the reactions from your past. Remember, it’s the same as a phobia. You can teach yourself to respond differently, but it takes time. The alternative is we look more deeply at those issues and what happened so you can deal with them. It is a long process with no guarantees at the end. It is your choice.”

  “I’m happy for the past to stay locked up in there. I don’t want to go back down that track. I have a pretty good idea of what happened and don’t need to know more.”

  “I’ve made an appointment for you for two weeks’ time, but call if you need anything. There is no shame if you need to return for more treatment.”

  Two hours later, Cassi sat outside the apartment with Sasha. There had been paparazzi outside the hospital who had followed them. Someone must have found out she was going home today. They were waiting to pounce once she left the car. Tommy was inside the building with Audrey so he would not have to deal with it, thank God. Her stomach churned but she would get through this. The last time she had to deal with these people, Declan had been there for support. All she needed was to get through one thing at a time. She grabbed her bag from the back seat and got out. Cameras went off in her face as people yelled. She hoped they got bored with her soon.

  “Did Declan Reed have anything to do with the death of your late partner?”

  “Are the rumors true you’ve broken up because of this? Why aren’t you at his house? Is his house for sale? Is he moving back to Australia because of you?”

  “Leave me alone. We’re not together anymore,” Cassi said.

  The words felt like poison coming from her lips, but she knew it was the only way to get rid of these people. She would just be another person caught up in an awful life and of no interest to them now. People were dying or destitute on the streets all the time. These guys didn’t care as long as they got a story about the rich and famous. She was neither anymore.

  She tried to hold back the tears and pushed one of the reporters aside. After a struggle, she finally made it through the door. Inside, she took a deep breath and leaned back against the wall. Tommy was rushing around the downstairs area on a new scooter Sasha bought him. He was oblivious to what was going on outside and that was how she wanted to keep it. He looked across and dropped his scooter when he saw she was there. Her little boy ran helter-skelter across the room. She picked him up and twirled him around as he screeched with delight. The moment was perfect. The only thing that would have made it better was if Declan was there, waiting to take her in his arms. Somehow she would get through this and get back what they had.

  Audrey came over. “It’s so good to have you here. It’s like we are all back together again.”

  Tommy grabbed her hand. “Come on, Mommy, I’ll show you my room. We live upstairs.”

  His room was packed with toys, including the large Rory Raccoon Declan gave him, plus the big bucket of Legos. She went to her room, threw her bag on the bed, and glanced around. This would do. There was a roof over their heads and she could think while she was here. It was more than a lot of people had.

  “Coffee’s up,” Sasha called from the door.

  Cassi sat at the counter and found a plate of Sasha’s cinnamon cookies. She bit into one and let the flavor roll across her tongue as she closed her eyes.

  “Life is too short not to eat these,” she said as she smiled at her friend.

  “One day the world will appreciate my brilliance.”r />
  “I’m sure they will.” Audrey said as she sat down. “So what are your plans, Cassi?”

  “Well, I’ll need to look for a job as the money we have is almost gone. The picnic business will have to go on the back burner for a while. I know you don’t want any rent, Audrey, but we still need to eat.”

  Audrey shook her head. “I had a feeling that was what you would say. I want to give you both a loan so we can give the business a few months. If it doesn’t work, then you can both do whatever you want, but I think we’ve done so much it would be a pity not to try. I trust you both to pay me back.”

  Cassi hugged Audrey and tried to stop bursting into tears.

  “Thank you so much. We won’t let you down. I also think keeping my mind on something will help me get better. Deanna came and visited me in the hospital and wants me to help with the refuge. I mentioned it to the doctor and she said to give it a try.”

  Audrey chatted for a bit longer, then they went downstairs and talked about designs for the building.

  “You know Tommy is trying to convince Audrey to have a fireman’s pole put in. So far she is not succumbing to his charm and cuteness.”

  Audrey pointed out the renovations she wanted to make, then kissed the girls goodbye when Tristin came to pick her up. Cassi knew Sasha would not skirt the question of Declan for long. When Cassi put Tommy to bed, Sasha slouched herself on the sofa next to her.

  “So what are you going to do about Declan? Is it really over between you?”

  “I hope not, but to tell the truth, I wouldn’t be surprised. I can’t expect him to hang around when I don’t know when I’ll get my act together.”

  “Tell me what happened.”

  “When he touched me, the visions came back. I never want to see what looked like sadness and rejection on his face ever again. I told him I needed time and space and it wasn’t fair to make him wait. I didn’t know how long it would take and he should find someone new.”

  “What did he say?”

  “That it was his choice to wait. I want it to be good if I see him again, but I don’t know. I just need some time to get my head in the right place.”