Raven

by Shantel Davis

  But I couldn’t tell Erick any of that, so I changed the subject.

  “How did you know I was here?” I asked.

  The easy smile he flashed my way didn’t fool me. I saw the fire in his eyes. He was pissed. Probably because I hadn’t answered his calls all day. I couldn’t. As soon as he heard my voice, he would have wanted to know what was wrong. I couldn’t hide my pain from him in the state I was in and I wouldn’t have been strong enough to lie to him about what had upset me. I would have told him everything and he would have probably killed Lennox.

  “This is where you always use to go when you were hiding,” he answered, referring to the lake I’d found when I was little.

  It was so deep in the woods that if one didn’t know where they were going, they’d easily get lost. Erick was the only person I’d ever brought back there.

  “You think you know me.” I cracked a smile, hoping it eased the tension.

  He smirked. “Are you going to tell me what happened this time?”

  “Why do you figure something happened?”

  He frowned. “We playing games now, Raven?”

  “No.” The pain that came from tugging at one of locs alleviated some of my mental anguish. “But I’m not ready to talk about any of this. Will you wait until I leave this place before interrogating and trying to psychoanalyze me? Right now, I’m overwhelmed, and I just need you to—" I paused because I didn’t know what I needed from him or maybe I did and wasn’t brave enough to voice it. I wasn’t sure which.

  “You need me to what, Raven?” When I didn’t answer his question, he did for me. “You need me to love you a little louder, a little harder? Would that make you finally believe that everything you are is enough? Make you stop punishing yourself for what other people did to you? Make you stop living in the past?”

  His response made me want to cry. Because that was exactly what I needed, but I didn’t cry. That wasn’t me. I got annoyed.

  I pushed myself up from the damp earth then leaned against a tree while staring at the lake. “Why do you say stuff like that?”

  “Because you need to hear it.” He came to stand next to me then linked our fingers.

  “Since you know everything, can you tell me when my life will get easier?” I snapped.

  “Are you ever going to get tired of hurting your own feelings?” he countered, using my own words against me. “Like I said before, there’s some fucked up part of you that likes the turmoil. Always has, but it’s not exactly your fault. Fucked up childhoods create messy people.”

  “Is that so?”

  “Abosfuckinglutely.”

  Not wanting to argue, agree or self-analyze anymore, I bit my tongue. I was tired. I wanted to go home. I wanted to hug my nieces and nephews and have my daddy and his wife baby me. I wanted to be living my version of normal again. Which was exactly why I’d finally stopped procrastinating and went to my lawyer’s office. All my business was finally concluded. Almost, there was still my issue with Lennox, but I was on the verge of saying fuck Lennox completely.

  Erick and I were silent for a long while.

  “Come on, let's go swimming. It’s hot as fuck out here,” Erick said out the blue.

  Before I could object, he dropped his shorts and removed his shirt. His hard dick pointed diectly at me. He knew naked him could get me to do almost anything.

  “Manipulative ass,” I mumbled. I slid out of the bicycle shorts and thin t-shirt.

  Do you ever wear drawls? or did you leave them behind 'cause you knew I was coming looking for you.

  "No and no."

  He smirked.

  He knew I didn't. Bra's either. Mother nature had been kind, my tits still sat up nicely on my size 16 frame without one.

  He reached out and smacked my bare ass when I walked past him. The sting caused my pussy to moisten.

  “I told you don’t be doing that unless we fucking.”

  He chuckled. “We’d probably be fucking or getting ready to fuck if you wasn’t fucking him.”

  “Fuck you. I’m not going there this evening.” Middle finger to the sky I flicked him off, before diving into the lake.

  The cold enveloped me. My nipples pebbled. My teeth chattered. I wiped water from my eyes and search the shore for EB. He wasn’t there. I scanned the lake for him. Panic set in. I called his name when I don’t see him. Just as I thought I was about to lose it, hands grabbed me by the waist from behind.

  I yelped. “Fuck! You scared the hell out of me.”

  He laughed. My frightened soul returned to my body.

  “You fall for that more often times than not.”

  “I do and you’re an asshole.”

  “No, I’m not. I’m sweet and you love me.”

  He was right and I did.

  “You’re not and I don't,” I lied

  “Uh huh,” he hummed before slamming his hand against the water, then he playfully pushed me. “Instead of lying to me, race me,” he challenged while swimming off. “If you win, I’ll finger fuck you and suck your pretty titties against your favorite tree. Like old times.”

  Erick knew me too well, that’s what I had been thinking about. Laughing, I took off after him. The way he swam, there was no way I’d catch him, and he knew it

  “You’re a fucking cheater, so you’ll do it either way.”

  Not even five minutes later, Erick had me pressed against my favorite tree sucking salty wetness from my skin. I got lost in the moment. With two fingers inside of me, his thumb rubbed my clit. Breathlessly, I pled with him."Fuck me." I needed to feel his dick inside of me so bad it hurt.

  “No,” he said firmly.

  He trailed his tongue up from my breast to the spot on my neck that he knew drove me crazy and grazed his teeth over it to soften his rejection. I came. But there were no fireworks or explosion. My heart rate barely elevated. I needed him, all of him. As I was reaching for his dick, he pulled away and swatted my hand before I could get a hold of it.

  “Don’t touch me. I’ll fuck you up against that fucking tree and it’ll make me even madder than I already am.”

  It was too dark to see the expression on his face, but I heard the anger and frustration in his tone.

  Kissing my teeth, I let my hand fall to my side.

  “You’re still on that bullshit about not fucking me because I fucked him.”

  “Yep.”

  “You never cared before.” I lashed out, regretting it immediately.

  He chuckled at that, but not humorously. “You’re right, I didn’t. When I was sixteen, now I very much care, but you obviously don’t give a fuck about my feelings.” He accused.

  He was right. I was fully aware of my own bullshit. I knew having sex with Lennox would hurt him and I did it anyway. I wanted to explain to him why I had done it. I felt obligated to, but then I’d have to tell him why and that wasn’t an option.

  Get dressed, Raven, so I can drive you back. You can’t walk back alone in the dark.”

  Half of his clothes were already on.

  “Fine.”

  The ride back was done in silence. The tension between us was palpable and it bothered me so much it physically hurt. I felt tender all over. We rarely fought and when we did, we’d make up right away. From the look on his face, I didn’t think that would be the case this time, all because of my bad decisions.

  Instead of taking me to his house like I expected him to, he drove me to Mrs. D’s. It was the last place I wanted to be, but I wouldn’t voice it. Then he’d want an explanation. I was lowkey thinking I should just tell him. I was tired of keeping secrets from him. But then I'd be risking Lennox's freedom. I shook the idea out of my head.

  I'd be ok for now. My rental car was parked outside of lennox momma house. I would gather my shit, leave the packages I had for Lennox and his momma, then check into a hotel until the next day. Then I was going home. I would fix things with Erick then.

  Erick didn’t even wait for me to get into the house like he usually
would. He let me off at the curve and sped away. I stood, watching until he turned the corner, wondering if I had pushed him away for good.

  I was still in the same spot when Lennox pulled up. He rolled down the window.

  I rolled my eyes to the sky and prayed for strength “What do you want, Lennox?”

  “Damn it’s like that?”

  “Yep. I really have nothing more to say to you.” Though I had a lot I wanted to say to him. He just wasn’t worth the energy.

  He sucked his teeth. I hated when men did that. “You still mad about last night?”

  “Yes. You damn near drowned me in a jealous rage.”

  “You’re being really fucking extra. I didn’t almost drown you.”

  “You pushed my head under water.”

  “Doesn’t mean I was trying to drown you. You’re not going to even listen to my explanation?”

  “No. I’m good. I don’t need one.” I shot back just as my text notification went off four times in a row.

  Ignoring Lennox, I pulled out my phone hoping it was Erick texting me. It wasn’t. My niece had sent me pics of her at her 5th grade graduation.

  “Who got you displaying all thirty-two of your teeth?” I looked up to find him scowling at me.

  I ignored him again. While I texted my niece back, he got out the car and made his way to where I was standing.

  “Give me your phone, Raven.”

  Tuh! There would be no way I’d hand him my phone. I turned and walked away. After all that had happened, I didn’t want to share my real life with him. I should have left him and home in the past.

  Aggressively pushing passed me, Lennox stepped in my path, blocking my entrance into the house. “Give me your fucking phone, Raven,” he demanded again.

  Gritting my teeth, fisting then un-fisting my hands, I tried to calm my nerves before I spoke, but it didn’t work, and I ended up yelling. “Would you fucking move? This bullshit ain’t cute.”

  He narrowed his eyes and held out his hand. “Give me your phone, Raven I’m asking you nicely. I could just fucking take it if I wanted.”

  Fed up, I pulled my phone out of my bra, dangled it in the air. “You want the phone?”

  He nodded.

  “Fine, go get it.” I took said phone and chucked it over my head behind me. I heard it crack against the sidewalk.

  It was stupid, but I could buy another phone. What I wasn’t going to do was keep participating in his games. He was determined to punish me for shit I hadn’t done to him. Before I could react, his hand was coming my way. He grabbed me roughly by the chin. In the same swift motion, with the other hand he fastened both my arms behind my back and pushed me against the side of the house. He used his weight to trap me so I couldn’t fight back. His face tilted down until we were eye to eye.

  “You still fucking Erick?”

  I shook my head, even though I wanted to yell that it was none of his business. He studied my eyes for a moment trying to read the truth in them. I guess he found what he was searching for because his hand fell away from my face. He kept me pinned against the wall, though.

  Leaning in he whispered against my ear, “Tell me you love me too much to lie to me.”

  Tears pricked at my eyes. His words triggered a flash of the past. I heard those exact words before. He had said them to me right after I told him about Robert raping me. He accused me of liking it. Fucked up thing was I did, not because I wanted to, but because Robert had trained me to. It was either experience pleasure or pain with him. If I cried or protested while he raped me, he’d become brutal. He would say if I orgasmed it meant I wanted him to touch me. Fucked up, right?

  “I love you too much to lie to you.” I wanted him to let me go. If I had to, lie I would.

  As soon as the words were out of my mouth, he shoved away from me and stepped back, giving me room to breathe again. My chest rose and fell rapidly. I head my breath in anticipation of what happened next.

  “You’re a fucking liar,” and though he whispered, I could hear the rage in his voice.

  When he reared back and slammed a meaty fist into the side of the house, right next to my head, I didn’t even flinch. I was used to that kind of abuse. But I never actually thought that he would hit me. He hadn’t ever before.

  “I saw you.” He started pacing. “Through the window at his house. Your fat ass was naked, your mouth on him. “You promised me you’d never let him have you again.

  Anger overrode my senses. “Why in the fuck are you spying on me?”

  He ignored my question and continued ranting. “You lied to my fucking face. After what I did for you. After you left me here, alone, not giving a fuck whether I lived or died,” he yelled.

  I couldn’t believe what I heard. Was he out of his damn mind? I didn’t care if he lived or died? He was the one who had ignored me for 10 years. I snapped. I righted myself and shoved him. Caught by surprise he fell backward onto his ass, but he hopped right back up. He grabbed for me, but I sidestepped him. It was interesting how strong I got once pushed to my limit.

  “Don’t fucking touch me!” He stood frozen, glaring at me. “I left you not caring whether you lived or died, Lennox? Me? I did that, to your bitter ass? Then tell me who paid for your scholarship when you broke your whatever the fuck it was you broke and were about to be kicked out of school ‘cause Mrs. D couldn’t afford to pay for your expensive IVY league education?” His face fell. “Oh nah, you didn’t know that, did you? You would have if you read the freaking letter, I sent you.”

  His mother had told me he hadn’t even asked her how she was able to afford it. He’d just taken the money he felt entitled to.

  He opened his mouth to interrupt, but I pushed forward, tired of hearing him talk about shit he didn’t know about.

  “What about your momma’s mortgage, Lennox? How did she remain in her house and remodel it after your father died and she lost her job? That was me too. Paid for your daddy’s funeral too. You would have known that if you read the letter telling you what I was going to do. All of it was in one of the many letters you refused to read.”

  “Shut up, Raven,” he roared angrily. He got right up in my face and shoved my head with his finger. I took everything in me not to swing on him.

  “I already told you once, don’t talk to me about them fucking letters. If you wanted to tell me anything you it should have been to my face. Not through a phone call, or Facebook or on the phone.

  I ignored his outburst and continued like he hadn’t reacted at all. I planned to say what I had to say, even if it meant we’d stand there all-night yelling back and forth.

  “And as far as me leaving, if you would have been paying attention, you would have known that I needed to. But you’re the most frustratingly selfish person I’ve ever known. You killed a whole fucking human for me, to save me. But you couldn’t put your ego aside long enough to read at least one of the hundreds of letters I sent you?

  I was a fucking mess, but you thought because you’d slain my monster, everything was supposed to be “poof” all better. Scars aren’t just on the surface, Lennox. That shit Robert did to me bruised me soul deep. Ten years later and I can still smell that mother fucker’s cologne on my skin, hear him breathing in my ear at night when I close my eyes. You didn't know that when you went to football practice that I’d cry until you came back. You didn't see the self-inflicted cuts. You didn't experience the nightmares. I felt like I was fucking drowning when someone wasn't around coddling and cuddling me. My voice climbed, I was pratically yelling at the top of my lung trying to get him to under that me leaving was for the best."I was pathetic and needy, drunk or high most of the time. You had a good life, a future. if I would have stayed, I would have ruined that.”

  He banged at his chest. “That was my choice to make, Raven. You were mine, you made promises to me. You should—”

  I held up my hand cutting him off. Ignoring the possessive ‘you were mine’ part of his tantrum. That was my main problem with him w
hen we were young, he saw me as a possession.

  “Fine, Lennox be mad that I took away your choice to throw your life away, but don’t be mad at me for saving myself.”

  I left out the part about him contributing to a lot of my turmoil. It took him damn near drowning me to make me remember how emotionally abusive he was after he found out about what Robert had been doing to me. He blamed me for something I had no control over.

  “I was on the brink of slitting my fucking wrists. If you would have read one fucking letter, Lennox, you’d know that. You’d know I ended up having to be checked into a mental hospital for ninety days after I left. How could I subject you to that? You had a life. Why would I be selfish and keep you from living it, after you saved me?”

  Since I had his rapt attention, I kept going. “How about I found out Robert wasn't even my real daddy. When my mom went away on her “vacations” she was away fucking my married father in New York. I had a whole family who I knew nothing about. I tried to make you a part of that, after I got help. You chose to keep us apart. I even sent plane tickets you ignored. I begged you to come see me. But you were too fucking stubborn. Even now I take your abuse and disrespect with a smile, because I feel I owe you my life. No, let me correct myself, I used to feel I owed you. You no longer get to talk to me like I’m a child or abuse me.”

  I shoved the envelope with the one and a half million-dollar cashier’s check I’d gotten from my lawyer into his chest. It was money from the sale of Robert’s family’s land and insurance policy. I wanted nothing to do with it and didn’t need it. My father owned a lucrative real-estate company. On the day I graduated college, he gave me access to a multi-million-dollar trust fund, just like he had done with my siblings. Then he taught me how to invest and save. I lived comfortably. The only time I spent a large sum of money was for my non-profit, so I’d never go broke.

  I figured giving the money to Lennox was only right.

  I pushed him out of my path then backed up to watch him open the envelope. His eyes damn near popped out of his head when he saw the amount. He got over his surprise sooner than most would. His face morphed. He swung his gaze from the check back to me, his full lips drawn in a thin hard line. “So, this what you came back for? Not to get back together. Not to apologize. You came to give me a check, like I’m some fucking charity case? “Did my mother tell you I needed your money?” He yelled so loudly I was sure the neighbors heard him.