Raven

by Shantel Davis

  “I know, I’m sorry, sis.”

  “Can you just sit down. I’m not feeling that way now. That’s how I felt in the past. I’m numb now, which is exactly how I need to be able to tell you what I’m about to tell you.”

  Only Daddy knew about the sexual abuse and my momma’s murder and he wouldn’t talk about it. Had wasted a lot of money sending me to counselors just so he didn’t have to. EB told me I needed to talk to someone and losing him made me realize that I really needed to talk about it, or I was going to keep on making the perfect mess of my life.

  I waited until she was sitting next to me on the sofa to turn and face her. “Can you listen without interrupting?”

  “I’m terrified to hear what you're about to say, Raven”

  “I know, Sash, but you're the only person in the world I can see myself talking to about this, so can you listen without interrupting?”

  She nodded.

  I cleared my throat and shifted so I was facing away from her before I started. I told her everything. From the day Robert killed my mother to the day he started sexually abusing me. I told her how he tried to convince me I didn’t see him murder my mother.

  “I thought she committed suicide,” Sasha said.

  “Everyone does.”

  “I knew what I had saw and he couldn’t convince me otherwise, but even at as young as five I knew better than to tell anybody what I saw that night. Momma had already drilled into me that what went on in our house stayed in our house.”

  I was surprised by the fact that Sasha listened on and didn’t interrupt. I kept going. Told her about how when I was twelve, after my period came, I sprouted a grown woman’s ass and breasts. “Robert stopped letting me leave the house after that.” He told me that because my mama had up and died, I had to take over her responsibilities. It wasn’t until he bought me my first lingerie set, that I figured out what he meant by handle her duties, He meant fucking him too.

  The more of my story I divulged, the more relief I felt.

  “He said she just up and died like he hadn’t killed her. Like she just went to sleep one night and didn’t wake up.”

  It had been sadistic and cruel.

  I told her how I’d learned to stop fighting back her. “If I fought back, he’d beat me then rape me more.”

  I heard Sasha sniffling, but I didn’t turn to look at her. I needed to tell her everything and if I looked at her, I wouldn’t be able to.

  “When I was fourteen, Lennox became interested in me. In the back of my mind I knew he only wanted me because, by then, everybody else did, too. But he got in my head with his promises. Told me I was his forever and that he would protect me no matter what. He saw weakness in me, I know that now. So, he knew exactly how to make me cling to him and ignore the fact that he wasn’t much different than Robert. He wouldn’t physically hit me, but he would call me names like stupid and fat. His favorite thing to do when I didn’t do what he wanted was to make me kneel at his feet while he listed everything that was wrong with me and what I’d have to change if I wanted to be and NFL player’s wife.”

  Her breath hitched.

  “... and like a fucking idiot I would listen and promise to change. It wasn’t until homecoming night right before I turned sixteen that I told him what Robert was doing to me and only because he’d gotten mad that he won homecoming king and I wasn’t there to worship him. I told him everything, about the touching and the abuse. You know the first thing he did? He accused me of liking it. Said if I didn’t like it, I’d have told somebody. Then called me a liar for not telling him I wasn’t a virgin. He started ignoring me after that. He hooked back up with Jasmine.” I was so relieved, Sahsa. It was too hard dealing with both him and Robert. That’s when Erick became a part of my life. Since he’s proudly told you the take off your pants story a million times, I’ll fast forward. I guess Lennox noticed Erick had my attention. That’s when he came back and apologized, he told me he wanted to help me. He gave me sleeping pills to give to Robert, so he’d be too tired to touch me at night. Then I’d sneak out and sneak into Lennox’s house or stay in the treehouse his daddy had built for him. His plan worked for weeks until Jasmine ruined it by telling Robert I was sneaking out. When I showed Lennox how he branded me, he said he would handle it. He told me to give Robert the sleeping pills the next time he was off work, then call him. I did exactly what he instructed a week later. About an hour after I called him someone banged at my door. I woke up, the house was on fire. I was standing outside watching the flames when I realized what Lennox meant by handle it.” I blew out a breath when I finished. I turned and looked at Sasha through blurred vision

  “So, that’s why you sent all those letters and spent all that money on him?” she asked.

  I nodded. “Yes.”

  She reached for me, swiping her hand across my cheek. “You are crying, Raven.” She sounded shocked. “You never cry.” Her tears mirrored my own.

  I laughed. “You do. All the time.”

  “Why are you laughing, Raven? You just told me some heavy shit.”

  “Probably why I feel like I just lifted a huge weight off my shoulders.”

  “I don’t even know what to say in response to all that,” she said.

  “Don’t say anything. Can I have a hug?”

  Sasha frowned. “You want affection?” She took off her glasses and wiped her eyes, then wiped her glasses and looked at me again

  “You’re such a cow,” I laughed.

  After a few moments, I sobered then told her what happened the week I went home.

  A few hours later- Raven

  All cried out, Sasha and I sat on the sofa and stuffed our faces with mac and cheese chicken burgers. We both ate when stressed.

  She said, “You know when I tell our little brother what happened, he’s going to kill Lennox, right?”

  “That’s why you're not going to tell him.”

  “I know. I promised, but can I at least creep down to Florida and beat the breaks off that bitch Jasmine ass? Nobody will ever suspect it was me— social worker, mother, millionaire. Or at least let me pay somebody. I can afford it.

  I rolled my eyes until they crossed. She couldn’t fight but was always threatening to whoop somebody ass. “Let it go.”

  She looked thoughtful for a beat. Straightening on the sofa, she sat up and got a real serious look on her face. “I want to tell you something, but you gotta promise not to tell Daddy.”

  Curiosity kicked in. “Okay…”

  “I knew about Daddy and your mother.”

  “What? How?”

  “When I was ten. I went to Daddy’s office after school without permission and heard them talking, she was begging him not to end things. I knew not to ask Daddy what was going on. So, I went to Uncle Enrique. He was dying of cancer at the time. I knew if I waited until he was drugged up, I could get him to tell me anything.”

  “Don’t look at me like that, Raven. I was ten-years-old and had just found out my daddy had a girlfriend.”

  “Okay, my bad...continue.” I still thought it was fucked up she interrogated our dying uncle.

  “Tio told me that your mother and our father were together all throughout college, but Daddy’s parents objected to him dating a dark-skinned, black girl. Like they ass ain’t got African all through there DNA, but I digress. Some type of fight happened, because she was ready to get married and was like fuck your parents choose me. Daddy was weak and let her go. She left New York, got married, then somehow a few years after Daddy married my moms and they got back together. That’s all Tio knew.”

  That answered a lot of my questions, but not nearly enough.

  “Did he know about me?”

  She shook her head. “No. I know for a fact he didn’t. That night you called he cried like a baby. Hurt the fuck out of momma feelings. I think she realized she was runner up. Hell, I was hurt, too. I wanted to hate you at first.” She confessed.

  “I’m sorry.” She looked sincerely apologeti
c.

  “Nothing you need to apologize for. I would have never known. Y’all were so welcoming.”

  I got quiet after that. My thoughts were all over the place. I was trying work it all out in her head.

  Out of my peripheral I could see her nervously chewing at her lip the entire duration, then she spoke suddenly. “Can I say something to you that I know you aren’t going to like?”

  I raised an eyebrow.” Go ahead.”

  “Leave Erick alone for a minute.”

  I frowned.

  She reached out and took my hand in hers. “I know you're plotting, that’s why you told me all of that. You finally figured out you wouldn’t heal without telling somebody.”

  That was true, but I didn’t understand why I couldn’t heal with Erick here.

  “You hurt his feelings, Raven. Ten years you’ve been holding on to memories, false memories of Lennox, the hero. And Erick willingly took a backseat to those memories and you let him. That wasn’t fair, Raven.

  So give him some time and let him come to you. And he will come to you. Everybody but you could see that EB wasn’t and isn’t going anywhere.”

  “But-”

  “No buts, Raven.”

  I contemplated what she said for a while. She was right. I was going to listen for once. Not listening hadn’t gotten me anywhere and I was tired of surviving shit that didn't kill me.

  “Ok. No contact.”

  Lennox visits EB- Erick

  “It was you, wasn’t it?”

  Lennox was waiting by my truck when I walked out of the station. It was my last day. I was permanently moving to Brooklyn. Raven’s family knew, but she didn’t. She would find out when I showed up at her door, with all my shit. I was moving in.

  I knew It was fucked up that I hadn’t been answering any of her calls, texts or messages on social media, but I had to teach her that she couldn’t continue treating me any type of way and expect me to forgive her. She’d gotten entirely too comfortable with taking my love for granted. However, It was partially my fault. I didn’t know how not to be there for her.

  “Get the fuck away from my truck,” I snapped.

  He raised his hand in defense. “I brought Raven her necklace.” He chucked it to me.

  “Thanks. “I caught it, then opened my trucks door. Dismissing him

  “I just have to know.”

  “What?” I snapped.

  “You did it didn’t you?”

  I closed the door and made my way to where he stood. “What do you mean? Did I do what?”

  “You killed Robert.”

  I smirked. I had. “Why do you think that?”

  “I saw how protective you were of her back then, then I remember seeing you sneaking out of the house right before the fire started.”

  “If that’s the case, then why does she think you did it?”

  Fear raced across his features. “Did she tell you I did it?”

  “No. It’s not hard to put two and two together. Before that happened, she hated you.”

  “She never hated me,” he barked.

  I chuckled and nodded. “She hated you. She was just never brave enough to say it. Then you lied and found a way to forever attach yourself to her.” Like I said the other night, you’re a manipulative fuckboy.

  He frowned.” I never told her I did it.”

  “I don’t know for sure, but I’m guessing you insinuated.”

  “Why didn’t you tell her the truth?”

  I thought back to the night when I dropped her off at the airport and I had slipped up and said “kill for you, again.” She didn’t seem to notice though.

  “Why so she could replace me with you as a savior?” I shook my head. “I don’t want her love because I killed for her. I would have gotten rid of Robert for any little girl. He was sick. It was obvious you didn’t love her. I know she told you and you did nothing. I didn’t know for sure, but I was almost positive.”

  “I was going to, but he—”

  “Bullshit,” I said, cutting him off. “You were going to promise to do something to string her along. You spent your day basking in the spotlight and your nights fucking Jasmine in that tree house of yours. You weren’t going to risk that for anybody, you're weak.”

  He looked like he wanted to pop off. I was hoping he did, so I could shoot his ass.

  He’d been a fucking burden for ten fucking years. All I needed was any excuse to shoot him.

  I asked, “How’s your wife by the way?”

  He and Jasmine were married three weeks earlier, right after Raven left. Jasmine came to me as a last resort for help. She told me he confessed that he wanted to fix things with Raven and his mother was encouraging him to. With a little help from me she was able to convince him to go through with their wedding instead. I told her he started the fire and she needed to go to find all the letters from Raven that he’d saved, but hadn’t read, then burn them. That way she could tell him that’s how she found out about what he’d done and make him stay with her. And her deceitful ass had done it. They were perfect for each other. Jasmine fed Lennox ego and she got to live in the mediocre spotlight that came from him being married to an ex-High school and college football phenom that was mentioned once a year on SportsCenter or ESPN. They had a fucked up twisted relationship. They deserved each other.

  “That pussy still dry?” I asked then cackled, taunting him.

  He eyed my gun on my hip for a second before frowning.

  I answered my own question. “Yeah it is. Like fucking sandpaper. She still can’t take the whole dick?”

  He clenched and unclenched his fingers. I was really trying to push him over the edge. Make him give me a reason to shoot him. Walking up on him so we stood chest to chest.

  I lowered my voice and leaned in. “I thought about killing you too, that night. After smashing Robert’s head in I went looking for you. I knew deep down in my soul that she had told you about what was happening and you did nothing. It fucked with me knowing that you had kept her from moving on with me, then let her continue to her be abused. I was going to enjoy killing your ass. The only reason you aren’t dead right now is because Jasmine stayed at your side that entire night. She’s a bitch, but she didn’t deserve to die.

  As a matter of fact, I still think about killing you. I could have done it and got away with it too. Traffic stop gone wrong. Robbery. Home invasion. But I’m glad I didn’t, because then Raven would have mourned you forever --if you’d died before she got to see the real you again. That’s exactly why when your mother called her, I encouraged her not to come, knowing her hardheaded ass would do the opposite. I figured I’d I let you kill yourself, figuratively. Thank you for that.” I patted him on the back before I stepped back giving him room to breathe.

  He looked like he was seconds from passing out.

  “Now get the fuck away from my truck.”

  He fixed his frightened face, then glared at me. I felt the anger radiating off him. but instead of being a man and coming at me, he turned to walk off. Pussy.

  “Lennox,” I called his name at the last second. He stopped and turned. “Don’t contact Raven ever again and make sure your momma doesn’t either or I’ll come see you.” I tapped the butt of my gun and smiled a genuine smile. I wasn’t worried about him telling anyone what I’d done. There was no evidence to support it. My father made sure of that and he was dead.

  I waited until he drove off before I got in my truck. I momentarily flashed back to the past.

  I’d snuck over to Raven’s house to show her my admittance letter. I’d just been accepted to FAMU, so we'd be leaving together in the fall. I knew from my father that Robert was supposed to be on duty, so I didn’t even check the front yard for his car. I went right to her window and just before I opened it, I heard grunts. My blood boiled at the thought of her fucking Lennox. To look through the window and find her own father on top and her, her eyes blank, like she’d die, broke something in me.

  I waited until s
he was sleeping, snuck in the back door and smashed his head in with his nightstick. I set the kitchen and half the living room on fire, making an easy escape path for her. Then I banged at her room door, so she’d wake up. When I heard her move I ran.

  My father was the only one who knew what I’d done. He’d covered for me and never brought it up again out of guilt. He’d known what Robert was doing to her.

  After a three-hour flight from Tampa to Brooklyn, the first place I headed was to Raven’s house. We had unfinished business.

  Epilogue- Raven

  “You’ve been doing well, Raven. Making monumental strides towards being a happier, healthier you. Do you feel you're getting better after eight months with me?”

  Mrs. Blackwell, my therapist, sat with her legs crossed, peering over her glasses waiting for me to answer her. Her name was ironic, because she had skin as black as ink. I knew after meeting her the first time she genuinely wanted to help. She enjoyed healing people. And I really needed that. I liked her, but I hated going to therapy. It made me feel crazy, but after returning back to my normal life I realized how much I needed it. I worked my hardest at fixing my clients lives when mine was in shambles. And worse of all I was hurting the people that loved me.

  “I do. I feel stronger.”

  She waited me to elaborate and when I didn’t, she pushed forward. That was the one thing I liked about her; she wasn’t pushy.

  “That’s excellent.” She hesitated, and I already knew she was about to bring up my father. She was on a crusade to fix our now fractured relationship. “I know you weren’t ready when I asked before, but do you think you’re ready to invite your father for one of our sessions?”

  I knew it. I frowned.

  Running my tongue across my teeth, I fought against rising annoyance. “No.” It was a simple answer.

  I’d broken down and betrayed my sisters trust by telling my father what she told me.

  I had begged this man, tears and everything, to tell me about him and my mother. Anything that would clue me in to why Robert had killed her. And he said nothing, just stormed out of my condo, cursing in Spanish. Luckily Sasha understood why I told him. Daddy didn’t understand, and he blew up on her. They didn’t talk for weeks.