Death, Taxes, and a Shotgun Wedding

by Diane Kelly

  When the grandfather clock in the foyer struck midnight, we called it a day. After exchanging hugs with our guests in the driveway, Mom, Bonnie, and I headed inside to bed. I’d just finished washing my face and brushing my teeth in the bathroom when I heard the men come in downstairs. Looked like they were calling it a day, too.

  I slid into the bed in my childhood bedroom, realizing it was the last time I’d sleep there as a single woman. A sense of melancholy covered me like the green and gold afghan my mother and grandmother had crocheted for me. How many nights had I lain in this very bed, dreaming about the man I would one day marry? I’d wondered what he would look like, what his name would be, what about me he would find appealing and what about me he might find irritating but tolerate anyway because he loved me enough to put up with my quirks and imperfections. Now I knew all of those things. His name was Nick. He had dark brown hair, gorgeous amber eyes, and the body of a modern-day warrior. He admired my intelligence, spunk, and tenacity, and he put up with my stubbornness, just as I put up with his in return. And while I was not a supermodel by any stretch of the imagination, he made me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world.

  Sigh.

  I feel asleep dreaming of tomorrow, of that walk down the aisle to my husband-to-be, of the warm, wonderful kiss that would seal the deal after Nick and I finally said “I do.”

  * * *

  I woke on my wedding day to the sounds of birds chirping in the trees outside the window and the smell of coffee brewing and blueberry muffins baking in the kitchen downstairs. Some things never change.

  I ventured downstairs to find Mom, Dad, and Bonnie already seated around the table, chatting. Mom looked up. “There’s the bride!”

  I gave her a smile and everyone a “good morning” before aiming for the coffee pot. Once I’d filled my mug and added some creamer, I slid into a seat at the table.

  Bonnie gestured at the window over the sink, which framed a cloudless blue sky. “Beautiful day for a wedding.”

  “It certainly is.” The sun was shining bright and nothing would darken my mood today. Not even that little niggle in the back of my mind that said maybe, just maybe, whoever wanted to ruin my big day was somewhere here in Nacogdoches, plotting and planning.

  The timer dinged and Mom got up to pull the muffins from the oven. She fanned them with the pot holder to speed up the cooling process, then proceeded to pluck them from the pan to fill a breadbasket. As soon as she’d placed the basket in the center of the table, all of us reached for one.

  “Save one for me,” Nick said, stepping into the kitchen. He walked over and gave me a kiss on the the cheek, craftily stealing my warm muffin as I looked up at him.

  “Sneaky.” I wagged a finger at him and grabbed another from the basket as he plunked down into the chair next to me.

  When Mom took her seat again, she nudged Bonnie. “You ask ’em.”

  Bonnie shook her head. “No. You do it.”

  “What?” Nick said.

  Mom and Bonnie exchanged glances and fought grins. “Bonnie and I were talking earlier, and we were just wondering when you two might be giving us a grandchild.”

  “You already have grandchildren,” I reminded my mother.

  “I know,” she said. “But none of them are yours.”

  Now I was the one fighting a grin. “Ours will be the best, of course.” Everyone knew I was joking. In fact, I’d be thrilled to have a little girl just like my niece Jesse, who would be serving as our flower girl today.

  Bonnie eyed Nick pointedly. “So? When? I’m not getting any younger.”

  Nick chuckled. “Let me and Tara get down the aisle before we start talking kids.”

  I turned to my father. “Ready to give me away?”

  “Heck, yeah!” he replied. “You’ve been nothing but trouble since the day you were born. You’ll be Nick’s problem now.”

  We all shared a laugh, but immediately afterward Mom’s face clouded in concern. “Speaking of problems—”

  I silenced her with a raised palm. “No need to worry. Detective Booth will be in a cruiser keeping watch out front, and all of the agents at the wedding will be armed and on the lookout.”

  Dad nodded. “I’m bringing my shotgun, just in case. So are the boys.”

  Of course by “boys” he meant my two older brothers, who were well into their thirties.

  Bonnie put a hand on my mother’s shoulder. “I’ve got Tara’s shotgun, too.”

  Nick draped a protective arm over the back of my chair. “I’ll have my Glock on my hip as well. Besides, there will be dozens of people around. Anybody who’d try to pull any crap today would have to be an idiot.”

  I glanced his way. His eyes said things to me that his mouth hadn’t said to my anxious mother. The world is full of idiots.

  Yep, my eyes said back to him. And if those idiots show up, we’ll make sure they’re sorry they did.

  My mother nodded and said, “Sounds like things are under control,” but her face still looked tight and she barely picked at her muffin, eating only a few crumbs. I wasn’t sure how much of her anxiety was due to the fact that someone might be after me and how much was normal mother-of-the-bride nerves. Either way, there was nothing more I could do about it.

  Though the wedding wouldn’t start until four o’clock, we all headed to the church at one so that we could get ready there.

  Our church was old, having served God and his people of the Baptist persuasion for several decades now. The parsonage out back was a mobile home. While it might not be anything to brag about, the relative modesty of the property was offset by the ornate stained-glass windows, financed by a wealthy parishioner looking to leave a lasting legacy while generating a big tax write-off.

  We checked in with Detective Booth, who had parked her cruiser sideways across three parking spots near the entrance to the lot, in easy view of anyone approaching the church.

  “How’s everything out here?” I asked.

  “Fine,” she said. “Nothing’s caught my eye.”

  “Good,” Nick said, his hand tightening protectively around mine.

  Eddie, who would be serving as Nick’s best man, stood waiting outside the double front doors. Josh, Hana, and Will waited with him.

  After we’d greeted each other, Nick stepped closer to our fellow agents and spoke under his breath. “Seen anything suspicious?”

  “No,” Eddie said. “We walked the full perimeter but everything looks clean.”

  Hana chimed in. “Josh and I will do a sweep inside once they get the doors open for us.”

  “I’ll keep another pair of eyes on the parking lot,” Will said.

  “Looks like we’ve got everything covered,” Nick said.

  He and I exchanged appreciative fist bumps with the others.

  The church secretary pulled up a moment later and came over to unlock the double front doors for us. My parents and Bonnie walked up as she pushed the right door open and reached up to release the bolt holding the left door in place. “There you go. Pastor Beasley will arrive around three-thirty. I’ll be in the church office if y’all need anything.”

  I thanked her and the woman turned to go. As she did, my mom reflexively reached out a hand to stop her. “Has everything been okay around the church the last few days?”

  “Okay?” The woman’s brows formed a puzzled V. “What are you getting at?”

  I exhaled a sharp breath. “I’ve received death threats.”

  The brows that had just pulled inward shot up now. “Death threats?” she shrieked. “My goodness!”

  I raised a palm to calm her. “I can’t imagine whoever it was would drive all the way out here from Dallas to try to hurt me, especially with a hundred and fifty potential witnesses around.”

  “Maybe not,” my mother said. “But better safe than sorry.”

  The woman’s gaze shifted between my mother and me. “Nothing out of the ordinary has happened. Just business as usual. Baptisms. Funerals. Coup
les booking for next summer’s wedding season. We had a lovely couple out here on Wednesday for a tour, new parishioners who just moved to the area.”

  “So things have been normal?” My mother’s face relaxed in relief. “That’s good to hear.”

  I had to agree.

  All of us headed inside.

  Nick and I parted ways in the foyer. The next time he saw me, I’d be in my dress. He gave me a kiss on the forehead and a smile. “See you at the end of the aisle.”

  The men headed toward the Sunday-school classroom to the right while Mom and I headed to the one on the left. The classrooms doubled as dressing and waiting rooms for the bride, groom, and attendants.

  We entered the room to find the chairs stacked and the tables pushed back against the walls to maximize the space for dressing. The curtains on the windows and exterior door, which opened to the building’s side lot, were closed for privacy, but the overhead fixtures would provide ample lighting for us to do our hair and makeup.

  Mom and I pulled a few chairs down from the stacks and situated them at the tables. Alicia and Christina arrived as we were unpacking my makeup and rollers. “Hey, you two!”

  After exchanging hugs, Christina unpacked the extensive makeup collection she’d brought. I’d never seen so many different shades of blush, eye shadow, and lipstick outside of a department store’s makeup counter. Ouch. The mere thought had me thinking of my bruised nether regions and crossing my legs in phantom pain.

  We took seats at the table. Christina angled hers to face me. She’d agreed not only to serve as a bridesmaid, but also to serve as my makeup artist today. She was a magician with a mascara wand and could do some truly amazing things with lip liner and eyeliner. No doubt she’d make me look gorgeous and glamorous.

  She cocked her head to one side then the other, looking my face over, and set to work on me, using a fancy makeup sponge to apply and smooth my foundation. “I brought my weapon,” she said as she ran the sponge over my cheekbone. “Just in case.”

  I had to laugh. “There will be nearly as many guns as guests at this wedding.”

  Her chocolate-brown eyes met mine. “Good. We don’t want anything to spoil your day. You know, like your death.”

  “That would be a bummer, wouldn’t it?” I teased.

  Alicia unpacked the stiletto heels she’d chosen to wear with her matron of honor dress and brandished one of them. “I don’t have a gun, but these spiked heels could take out an eye.”

  Even my mother laughed at that. I was glad to see that she was finally relaxing. She and my father had spent a small fortune to give me the wedding day of my dreams, and I wanted her to enjoy the day, too, not spend it worrying about my safety.

  Christina finished the foundation and retrieved an extensive palette of eye shadow. “Close your eyes,” she ordered.

  A moment later, a soft brush whisked across my lids and I reflexively scrunched my face. “That tickles!”

  “Be still!” she insisted. “I can’t put makeup on a moving target. You’ll end up looking like a clown.”

  I sat as still as possible for the next fifteen minutes while Christina carefully painted my face as if she were Leonardo da Vinci and I were the Mona Lisa. She took occasional breaks between working on me to work on herself, too.

  When she finished, she held up a hand mirror. I took a gander at myself. Wow! The purple-hued shadow and thick gray liner made my eyes pop and my lips look full and lush and lustrous.

  Mom beamed. “You look beautiful, hon!”

  Alicia nodded in agreement. “Great job, Christina.”

  Her work done, Christina packed her makeup back into the case.

  Our faces done, we spent the next half hour on our hair. Alicia tackled this task for me, carefully combing out sections of my hair, using a curling iron to turn the locks into curlicues, and piling the curls on top of my head, allowing a few to fall free. The look would be the perfect complement for my fairy-tale wedding dress. When she was finished, I handed her a can of the contraband Chinese extra-hold hair spray Lu had introduced me to months ago. The stuff rivaled any industrial-strength adhesive. A few passes with the spray and my beautiful coif would be immobile.

  Pssssh. Alicia waved the can over my head, using her other hand to wave the fumes out of our faces.

  I stood and clasped my hands in glee. “Time to put on our dresses!”

  The wedding colors were light blue and lavender. My mother’s lavender taffeta dress had a fitted bodice, a ruffled peplum, and three-quarter-length sleeves. The neck and hemline were adorned with small purple beads.

  I gushed when she put it on. “You look like a movie star, Mom!”

  Christina and Alicia agreed. “You’d be right at home on the red carpet,” Alicia said.

  Christina looked like a bombshell in her light blue satin off-the-shoulder number, and Alicia was the consummate sophisticate in her lavender dress with its jabot collar and pencil-type skirt. Yep, I’d let the two choose the dresses, asking only that they pick ones that came in the wedding colors.

  After I slid into a pair of silky, sheer white stockings, Mom, Christina, and Alicia helped me into my wedding gown. The beautiful garment featured cap sleeves and a handkerchief hemline, along with a lacy, beaded bodice. It was the perfect dress for me, a blend of traditional, sparkly, and fun.

  My “something new” was my dress. My something old was a pearl bracelet my favorite aunt had given me for my sixteenth birthday. I’d lent it to Alicia to wear as her “something borrowed” at her wedding back in June. She helped me secure the clasp around my right wrist. My “something blue” would be my bridal bouquet. And speaking of the bouquet, where was the florist? I glanced at the clock. The flowers had been due a few minutes ago. They must be running a little late. But it was too soon to panic. Surely the florist would arrive soon to deliver the bouquets for us women in the wedding party, a corsage for my mother, boutonnieres for Nick and his groomsmen, and an arrangement for the altar.

  All that was left was the shoes. I slipped my feet into the lacy heels and glanced back at my mother. She was temporarily distracted, hanging up the clothes she’d worn to the church. I took advantage of her inattention to grab my holster from my bag. I was probably being paranoid, but there was no harm in being safe, was there?

  Christina noticed what I was doing and stepped between me and my mother to shield me from view. I slid it on under my dress, pleased to see that the lace and beads hid it quite well. I’d carry my bouquet low and use my arms to further cover the bump under my dress.

  Fully dressed and discreetly armed, I stepped over in front of the full-length mirror mounted on the back of the interior door. Alicia, Christina, and my mother had all seen me in the dress before, if not in real life at least in photos, but nonetheless they gushed like a rain spout after a thunderstorm.

  Alicia smiled over my shoulder at my reflection. “You look like you stepped out of a magazine ad!”

  Christina nodded in agreement. “Nick’s eyes are going to fall out of his head.”

  And while we were on the subject of eyes, “I’m going to cry!” That last statement came from my mother, who was fanning her misty eyeballs with one of our wedding programs less a tear escape and leave a rivulet in her makeup.

  Knock-knock! A rap on the exterior door drew our attention. I stepped over and pulled the curtain aside to see who was at the door. It was a man wearing sunglasses and a ball cap. Behind him was a white van painted with the logo BUDS & BLOOMS, the florist my mother had hired. The guy had backed the van up next to the door. It was probably easier to unload that way. Fewer steps. One of the two back doors was open, an abundance of flowers visible inside the cargo bay. Hana, who’d been standing guard at the corner of the building, walked up with her hand resting on her weapon. She gave the man a once-over. The delivery man greeted her with a smile and the two exchanged words I couldn’t hear through the glass. Whatever he’d said seemed to relieve Hana’s concerns. She nodded and stepped back a foo
t or two.

  “Who is it?” my mother asked.

  “The florist.” I pushed the door open. “Hi, there.”

  The tall man gave me a smile and craned his neck to take a look into the room behind me. He raised his hand in a wave. “Hello, ladies. I have a quick question for the bride. Y’all don’t mind if I borrow her for a second, do you?”

  The three murmured in agreement.

  I stepped outside and the door swung closed behind me. With well over an hour remaining until the ceremony, the side lot was void of cars and guests. Hana, the delivery man, and I were the only people out here. But he obviously didn’t pose a threat. Better to send Hana back to the corner to keep a lookout for real danger.

  “It’s okay, Hana,” I told her. “We’re good.”

  “All right,” she said. “You look really pretty, by the way.”

  “Thanks!” I couldn’t help myself. I twirled around in my dress.

  The delivery man chuckled while Hana groaned and turned to head back to the corner. The man gestured for me to follow him the few steps over to the van. As I did, he reached into the van and pulled out a gorgeous bouquet of blue hydrangeas accented with white roses and babies breath. “Doesn’t your bouquet smell wonderful?”

  I began to lean in and my nose picked up an odd smell, a medicinal, chemical smell. Wait. Something’s not right here. Before I could retreat, the man shoved the bouquet into my face and clapped a hand to the back of my head so I couldn’t pull it away.

  Holy crap! What’s that smell? Chloroform? Ether? Oh, my God! Is this the same nerve agent that killed Kim Jong-nam?

  I reached out to push him back but he jerked aside to evade my hands. I held my breath and whipped my head side to side trying to free my nose from the bouquet, but it was too late. I’d already breathed in too much of the stuff.

  My knees melted. The world went fuzzy. My brain went woozy.

  That fortune cookie had been right. I should’ve lived like I was dying. Because this man was going to kill me.

  chapter twenty-nine

  When Things Went South