by Derek Haines
‘Stringley sir.’
‘Your hands are shaking Stringley.’
‘I’m sorry sir,’ he replied with a small tremor that was noticeable to Feb.
Stringley finished pouring the tea and was about to bring the cup and saucer to Feb’s desk.
‘No, don’t bring it to me Stringley. Just wait there and hold it in your hand for a moment.’
‘Eh, yes sir,’ Stringley replied but with tension now clear in his voice.
‘Good. Now perhaps you can tell me who ordered the tea?’
‘I’m sorry sir. I don’t understand.’
‘Well I didn’t order the tea.’
‘I believe it has always been customary to serve tea mid-morning sir,’ Stringley said but in an unconvincing tone that smelled of practice.
‘But I don’t like tea Stringley. So I didn’t order it,’ Feb said with downward intonation that made it clear he was going to continue.
‘Do you like tea Stringley?’
‘Eh. Yes sir.’
‘Good then. You drink it for me.’
‘Eh sir I can’t ….’
‘Oh yes you can young man. You said you liked tea.’
‘Oh no sir…’
‘So perhaps your memory is better now. Who ordered the tea?’ Feb said in a firmer tone and could see the fear in the young man’s eyes.
‘Sir I’m just a servant. I do as I am told sir.’
‘Excellent Stringley. Then drink the tea!’ Feb ordered, now with some venom in his voice. Stringley stood still, with the cup and saucer trembling in his hand. Feb pressed a button on his desk Q’muniktor. It buzzed and a voice answered.
‘Yes sir.’
‘Sorry to disturb you again Commander Glutz. Could you please come here immediately?’
‘On my way sir.’
Stringley was still holding a now very noisy cup and saucer of tea as his hand started to tremble even more. Feb looked at him as a cat would look at its prey. Stringley’s whole body was frozen with fear. Except for his right hand that continued to tremble and appeared in danger of dropping the cup of tea. Defying the odds, the cup remained upright and the saucer only suffered from a few escaping drops, by the time Glutz arrived.
‘Yes sir.’
‘I believe there maybe something unusual about this cup of tea commander.’
‘Yes sir,’ Glutz said, not fully grasping the events so far.
‘Would you please have the tea and the service analysed commander and while you’re arranging this, could you find a comfortable place for Stringley to meditate by himself.’
‘Certainly sir. And how long do you wish the young man to eh, meditate?’
‘At least until after you deliver the analysis results to me.’
‘Understood sir,’ Glutz said as he relieved Stringley of the trembling cup and saucer and placed it carefully on the tea tray.
‘I will arrange for the laboratory technician to collect the evidence sir,’ he confirmed as he lead an extremely scared young man away.’
‘Thank you commander,’ Feb said as he closed the door of his office behind Glutz and an ever more pale Stringley.
Returning to his desk, Feb sat and pondered his morning so far. He was quite concerned at his rate of arrests and detentions. Anywhere near this rate for a few days could see more than half the staff of the palace in prison. He hoped one or two of his supposedly acquired twelve traits might kick in soon and give him some help. In the meantime he had his three sisters to be concerned about. With the death of their mother when Feb was only two, and now his father and brothers, it was clear that Feb was now the head of the Gregorian Royal Family.
After contemplating for a few minutes, he made a decision. He opened the small top drawer and found the key. After the bit of practice the evening before, it only took him thirty-two minutes to open all the safes and retrieve the memory ball from the last safe. This time deciding to leave all the keys in their respective locks until he found a need to hide something.
He placed the blue memory ball in his palm and wrapped his fingers around it and started searching for the itineraries of the highest ranking members of the royal family. Busily note taking he completely forgot about lunch and was startled when he heard a knock at his office door. He was more startled when he opened it to find that it must already be three o’clock, as it was his three sisters at his door.
‘No afternoon tea for us?’ April asked as the three made themselves comfortable.
‘I have passed my first royal decree and banished tea from the royal offices April,’ Feb said with a wry smile. ‘Shall I get some water?’
‘Yes. That would be nice,’ May answered.
Feb returned from his bathroom with a tray of glasses filled with tap water.
‘You seem different Feb,’ June commented, and both April and May agreed.
‘Yes. I’m sure,’ Feb replied. ‘But we have more important things to discuss.’
‘Feb, we all have guards now. They arrived this morning and they are most conspicuous. They follow us everywhere and insist on accompanying us,’ May complained.
‘I know. I ordered the guards.’
‘But why?’ April asked.
Feb told his three sisters of his events of yesterday evening and today and how he had reason to believe that the death of their father and brothers was at the very least, suspicious. He also told them that security for the time being would remain.
‘And how long will that be?’ May asked.
‘Until I know how, where and why our father and brothers died.’
The three sisters looked at each other and without a word agreed to heed Feb’s advice. Then all four sat silently as if no one knew what to say next. Finally June could suffer the silence no longer.
‘Feb. Can we have tea next time?’
Tea Leaves
‘So do you have the results of the tea analysis?’ Feb asked Glutz.
‘In fact two results sir. I had a chemical analysis done and also had an old friend read the tea leaves once we had emptied the cup.’
‘Yes?’
‘Well, here are the results sir,’ Glutz said as he handed a very official looking royal file to Feb. He opened it immediately and read the results.
‘A Cat. CAT - deceit, a false friend. (Maggip - Registered Tea Leaf Reader)’
This was all that was written on the first page. Feb then turned to the second page of the report.
‘Analysis of the liquids provided indicate the following elements and compounds.
C8H17N
C76H52O46
C(6)H(12)O(6)
m+i+l+k
Full details of analysis procedures are available for sample comparison and/or scrutiny.’
‘So I think I understand the tea leaf reading part, but what is the second part about commander?’
‘Well sir. Four basic elements were found. Tannin or tea, sugar, milk and hemlock.’
‘What’s that?’
‘An old prehistoric poison. It is mentioned in some very old recordings. What we found is not the original, but a synthetic form.’
‘So the tea was sent to kill me?’
‘Well no. Not instantly that is. The amount indicated that it would have taken some days or even a week to deliver enough to incapacitate you. Or perhaps it was that there is a slight taste to this substance, so the dose may have been increased at a later time when you might well have been accustomed to the taste.’
‘But all things considered commander, this tea episode was not sent to celebrate my good health and recent investiture.’
‘No sir. Certainly not sir.’
‘Have you questioned Stringley?’
‘Not yet sir. We’re simply holding him as you asked.’
‘Very well. Yes. I think now though in the light of this information, I really would like to know who was behind my tainted tea. Would you please find out what you can from the young man please.’
‘Certainly sir.’
‘Now
to other matters. Have you made any progress in finding out what happened to my father and brothers?’
‘No sir. We have no credible information.’
‘And Dagnion and the department heads?’
‘They are keeping very tight lipped sir. But we haven’t started any serious interrogation as yet.’
‘Yes. I understand. It’s only been a short time. Look commander, you continue with my orders and we’ll meet again in two days.’
‘Yes sir. Very well,’ Glutz said and took his cue to leave.
When Glutz had left, Feb pressed a button on his Q’muniktor. It was time to get some order in the house, well palace. After only two short beeps a voice responded to his call. It was Tylonilic Arundaplast, the Under Vice Deputy Assistant to Oderly Kerth Dagnion.
‘Arundaplast here sir.’
‘Please come to my offices in one hour with a complete list of all deputies of all Glothic departments.’
‘Yes sir. Of course sir.’
Feb reflected on the tea. ‘A Cat. CAT - deceit, a false friend.’ This made more sense at the moment than the hemlock Glutz spoke about. In fact it made perfect sense. There was someone close to Feb who was not being at all nice. Someone who was probably connected to the three deaths and the cup of tea. He was still wondering why he hadn’t died along with his brothers. It didn’t make sense. Who would have wanted February to become Supreme Potentate of the Twelve Sun Systems of Gloth? Or was it that his brothers were just in the wrong place at the….
Feb stopped thinking and reached for his blue memory ball. He searched for the appointments his father and brothers had in the days leading up to their demise. Diary images whizzed through his head. Flipping pages ten times faster that he could do by hand with a real diary. Then he slowed down a bit, and collated the last three days for his father and brothers. His father had gone to inaugurate a new inter-planetary shuttle station between the planets of Dillious and Dallious in the Seventh Sun System. He was due to return to the palace the day after his reported death. October was in the Fifth Sun System on a lava flow skiing holiday and March had been sent to take a course in intergalactic customs, traditions and genuflects in the Sixth Sun System. He’d gone there five weeks ago.
Then they couldn't have all been in the same wrong place at the same wrong time. So why did the news of their combined untimely deaths arrive as one tidy piece of news that a bunch of extra junior council secretaries could deliver simultaneously to Feb and his sisters now seem a little premeditated and convenient? Who could have given the secretaries the task of delivering the news? A Grand Councillor? Feb was about to put the blue memory ball back when he decided to look at one more entry. His own diary of appointments.
‘Oh dear,’ he thought to himself as he scanned the pages of his own diary. Although there were countless days with no entries, engagements or royal visits, there was one entry he had forgotten all about. Well if the truth be known, he hadn’t forgotten about it at all as he hadn’t looked at his diary in months. He had worked on the principal that if there was anything ground tremblingly important he had to do, someone would surely tell him about it. He read the entry again.
‘So I was supposed to go to the dentist last week,’ Feb mumbled to himself. ‘I wonder if they will charge me for not cancelling in time,’ was his next thought.
Feb sat contemplating, with his forefinger pressed firmly against his top lip which gave him a rather believably studious look despite his still wandering left eye. So his demise could well have been planned to be carried out by an evil dentist. But as he missed his appointment, plan B was then put into place to eradicate him with tampered tea. However that plan was scuppered because he disliked tea. Unlike the rest of the Gregorian family who literally drank gallons of tea everyday. He recalled how his family were ashamed of him because of his total tea abstinence. Water with a twist of lemon was what he always had when tea was served. He didn’t like that very much either, but it didn’t make him dry retch like tea did.
Now, if he had truly foiled plan B, was there a plan C?
Feb decided to create a list of who he could trust and who he couldn’t trust. It was a very lopsided list as he had his three sisters in the ‘can be trusted’ column on the right and just about everyone else he knew in the ‘can’t be trusted yet’ column on the left. At the top of his left hand column, the names of Oderly Kerth Dagnion, Lefroy Overload and Commander Glutz headed his list followed by every head and deputy of every Glothic department, plus every Grand and High Councillor. Then followed people who had said nasty things to him and about him during his entire life and then he added all his twice removed aunties, uncles and cousins as they had never bought him a birthday present in his life. Scanning his list for possible omissions he was finally satisfied that his list was complete. Then one more name bolted into his consciousness. December Gregorian. His shitty little first cousin on his mother’s side. Feb drew a big red line from December’s name and pointed it to the top of the list. At last complete. Three entries on the right and three thousand eight hundred and twenty-seven on the left. He decided he needed to consult with his sisters.
He called April and she invited him for tea.
Lonely At The Top
April, May and June listened intently to February as he sipped on a glass of cold water with a twist of lemon and outlined his concerns about a lot of people not liking him very much at all.
‘Feb, I really think you need to seek professional advice,’ June said because she had heard a lot of people use this phrase.
‘Thank you June,’ Feb politely replied and then dismissed what June had said as most people did when June offered advice. June was the youngest daughter, but still just a little older than Feb. This didn’t necessarily make her wiser or more helpful in Feb’s eyes, but he never wished to offend her. Especially now, as she was one of the rare living beings that was listed in his right hand column.
‘It sounds like you need some old Gregorian family help Feb,’ April said as she rose and went off to look for something.
She returned a few minutes later with what looked like an ancient, yellow manilla envelope with the remnants of a broken red seal on the flap. April handed it to Feb. He opened it and took out a fragile note written on what he thought was a birthday card, but in fact was a thank you card on closer inspection. He read the note written in a hand that was clearly shaking or trembling at the time of writing.
‘My trusted September,
There may come a day yet again when our family needs the reassurance of its history. This security will always reside on Terranova Two. Ready for the day it is again necessary to safeguard the millions of years of Gregorian lineage that must be protected until the day the universe suffers its last day, breath and ray of light.
The Cavern of Clavius will remain our protector.
Need it not be soon my dear brother.
Always,
November
29-11-213458’
‘Who are September and November?’ Feb asked April.
‘I’m sorry Feb. I don’t know. I found it when I was settling the affairs of Great-Great-Grandma January some years ago. But the events of the last few days reminded me of it.’
‘Well April, it certainly seems as though our family needs reassurance. But the date. If I am correct, it is over three hundred Gregorian years ago.’
‘Yes Feb. I believe so.’
‘Can I take it?’
‘Yes. Yes of course Feb.’
Feb placed it carefully in his royal portefeuille, then took another sip of his water. All four sat in silence for some minutes, unsure what should be said next. May finally broke the awkward moment.
‘More water Feb?’
‘Eh, no thank you May. I’m fine.’
Feb left his sisters after a pleasant but tense gathering. He started for the palace but sensed danger, then had a sudden thought that his old royal lodgings appealed much more. Walking slowly and considering his various dilemmas, he arrived nea
rly thirty minutes later at his old front door. Old in a relative sense as it had only been a little over a day since he had left and then he wondered when he might get around to moving his stuff to the palace. Upon opening the door his nose recognised an enormously reassuring aroma. Old stale body odour. This may have been disconcerting if it hadn’t been for the fact that it was his own.
Thinking for a moment about his personal guards, dressers and valets sitting around with nothing to do, he suddenly wondered why, as February the Fifth, the Supreme Potentate of the Twelve Sun Systems of Gloth, no one was wondering where he was or looking for him. An instant feeling of being unwanted fell upon him. Then he decided to see how long it would take for anyone to notice he was AWOL from the palace.
Feb sat on his old sofa and re-read the note from November to September. It was clear that he had no choice but to find this Cavern of Clavius. Wherever it was and whatever secrets it held. Once he had carefully folded the note and placed it safely back in his royal portefeuille, he closed his eyes and relaxed completely for the first time since the dandruff ridden, long nosed council secretary had ruined his morning the day before. He was not sure how long he had been sleeping when a timid knock on his front door woke him from his nap. Rubbing his eyes and struggling to attain immediate control over his balance, he made his way clumsily to his front door. He finally opened the door and found precisely no one. After looking around for a few seconds in the now falling darkness he was about to close his door and curse a bit. Just before slamming the door in disgust, his non-oscillating right eye caught sight of something on his door mat. He picked it up and knew somehow from the nature of finding it that it was a secret note. It pleased him that he was correct when he opened it.
‘Your highness February the Fifth, the Supreme Potentate of the Twelve Sun Systems of Gloth,
It is with regret that I was chosen to deliver the terrible news of your father and brothers. Please accept my apologies for my coarse manner, however I was instructed explicitly in what I could say and was in fact recorded at your doorstep.
As I have no authority or clearance to access the offices of the palace or Grand Council, I have decided to wait at your old residence in the evenings after my work day in the hope of finding you here so I could ensure delivery of my correspondence.’
