by Derek Haines
Feb kept reading, but hoped the writer would get to the point inside another one thousand words. Luckily he did. But not as quickly as Feb would have liked.
‘I would like to inform you of a fact that you may not be aware of, but if you are, I apologise for wasting your time, but I thought that this information was important. Hence I have gone to great efforts to ensure you are informed of the fact and not left in a state of knowing or not knowing, whichever the case may be.
To be brief. The fact I believe you may or may not be aware of, is the fact that the Puissant of Croonumble, Lefroy Overload, President of the Grand Council and your personal assistant and advisor, Oderly Kerth Dagnion are in fact father and son. Not that this is suspicious in itself, but the fact that it is a closely guarded secret is in fact suspicious. Added to the suspicious nature of this information is that the oldest sister of Oderly Kerth Dagnion, Grendaglod, is married into the Gregorian royal family and is the mother of one of your cousins.
I am sure you need to know how I know what I know. I went to school with someone who I now know can be trusted. The eldest son of one of the younger members of the Grand Council. They are both Gregorian loyalists and have serious concerns about the current situation. They also asked me to furnish you with this information.
As a last piece of suspicion, they are unsure, but are open to be persuaded that the commander of the Gregorian Guard is a distant relative by marriage to The Puissant of Croonumble, Lefroy Overload.
I apologise again for knocking on your door and having to disturb you, however I believe it was my duty to inform you of the preceding information.
Loyally yours,
Snurd Humped’
Feb folded the note and placed it in his royal portefeuille and then went back to his sofa. To contemplate. He did this for a while before resuming his disturbed nap. After a very hectic day he was tired. This was quite a fortunate decision by Feb because while he was peacefully napping on his old sofa, enveloped in the comforting aroma of months of stale body odour, plan C was about to get underway at his royal quarters.
Later that evening, a very disappointed group of six Grand Council Guards returned to report that they had not found February the Fifth, the Supreme Potentate of the Twelve Sun Systems of Gloth in his quarters and as such had made the ‘on the spot’ decision not to abduct him as planned – due to his absence. Oderly Kerth Dagnion looked like people do when they have received disappointingly bad news. He dismissed the six Grand Council Guards and got to work on using the next letter in the alphabet for the fourth plan.
While he plotted plan D, Feb rolled over because his right leg had gone numb due to his cramped sleeping position on his old sofa. After a number of rolls and alternating numb legs, the sun started to rise and its rays finally found their way through Feb’s window, and directly into his eyes. Waking him more quickly that he would have liked, he woke with a jump only to discover that both of his legs were numb and that he had unsuccessfully risen from his sofa. He was instead, now jammed between his occasional table and his sofa because his numb legs had collapsed under his weight as he had tried to get up.
While he waited for his legs to receive a good dose of fresh blood and oxygen, he decided that he would make his way to April’s place for breakfast as he recalled that there was nothing in his place at all that resembled breakfast. Just as he was sure he could stand once again, there was a gentle knock at his front door. He stumbled towards the door thinking that this was becoming an all too frequent occurrence.
When he finally opened the door, he found two house maids on his doorstep.
‘Good morning,’ he said.
‘Oh I am sorry sir. We were told no one would be here,’ one of the maids said holding up the key to the front door. ‘We were told to come and complete a complete clean-up.’
‘Please come in then. I will be leaving very soon,’ Feb said agreeably.
‘Oh we don’t wish to disturb you sir,’ the maid replied.
‘No, it’s no problem at all,’ he said as he gestured for them both to enter.
Within a few minutes, his house maids started to do what house maids do best and were chatting away and spreading the latest palace gossip all over Feb’s recently old kitchen, dining room and lounge room. He was on a first name basis with Hergla and Migla within minutes and they failed completely to associate Feb’s name with that of the new Supreme Potentate of the Twelve Sun Systems of Gloth, so they had a wonderful time indeed. The failed attempt by the six Grand Council Guards got a mention quite quickly as Hergla had had an early cuppa with one of the guards when he was finishing his shift and she was starting hers. So too did the fact that her son Stringley was at home after being told to take a few days sick leave. Hergla and Migla were very concerned about the situation with Stringley because being told to stay absent on sick leave was never good news. It must mean that he had done something wrong.
They also had some wonderfully imaginative gossip about Oderly Kerth Dagnion, as he had moved offices and it was rumoured that this was so he could be closer to his secret mistress. Feb decided that he was in no rush at all to have breakfast with April and decided instead to stay and have a good old chin wag with his two new friends.
A Hasty Plan
Armed with new and valuable information, plus two new friends, Feb knew it was time to act. So he went to see if April had anything for a very late breakfast. Being the oldest sister and de facto mother to Feb, she of course had something healthy for him to eat. Impolitely speaking with his mouth mostly full, he bought April up to date with the latest palace gossip.
‘So what are you going to do Feb? It seems that the palace isn’t safe,’ April said in a very concerned tone of voice.
‘To Terranova Two to find this Cavern of Clavius.’
‘What, by yourself?’
‘No, I need to find a few people I can trust to help me.’
‘And who are these people Feb?’
‘Well, for the moment April, you are number one on my list.’
‘And number two’
‘Umm. Still working on that.’
‘Right,’ April said in a totally unconvinced manner. ‘Let me know what I can do Feb.’
Feb went out into April’s garden after his late breakfast and studied his two columned list. He now had Stringley and Snurd Humped pencilled in as maybes. He decided that he wanted to talk to Stringley again. This time without the threat of tea. As there was little else he could do due to the circumstances at the palace and the news he had received from Snurd Humped, he went back to his place to ask Hergla if he could meet Stringley. Hergla was busy cleaning the downstairs toilet when he arrived, but he was pleased that she stopped work immediately and gave him the directions to her small flat so he could meet her son Stringley, who was probably at home playing with his artificially intelligent pet dog. Feb left an hour later after receiving more gossip from Hergla and Migla about the rumoured romantic affairs of some of the Grand Councillors and what other house maids had found in their bedrooms and bathrooms.
She also casually told him about the other bit of gossip that was being passed around by the palace domestic staff. That someone ‘high up’ was plotting to overthrow the new Supreme Potentate of the Twelve Sun Systems of Gloth because he was supposed to be a fool and totally incompetent. She said her colleagues were a bit concerned, because it might end up affecting their pension entitlements.
Finally leaving to hopefully meet Stringley, Feb had the sudden idea that Hergla should be placed in charge of the Intelligence Department of Gloth. She seemed to have a real knack for useful information gathering.
A little after what would, for anyone else have been lunch time, Feb arrived at the address Hergla had given him. It was only then that he noticed he was still dressed in his favourite green hyper-floccus, all-in-one, anti-perspiration, gamma protecting track suit that he had slipped into the evening before. Perhaps in an accidental moment of inspiration, he had thwarted his plan C, D or E pursue
rs who probably wouldn’t have recognised him as the Supreme Potentate type. He then had a following moment of brilliance when he decided he would wear the hood up when he left, as a little extra protection. Fully equipped with his contingency plan now, he confidently knocked on what he hoped was Hergla and Stringley’s door.
‘It’s open!’ Came a disinterested shout from somewhere inside.
Feb turned the door knob, and entered. A vacant green carpeted corridor greeted him. As he turned and closed the door with a loud click, the voice bellowed again.
‘I’m down here!’
Feb continued down the corridor, looking left and right through each of three open doors until finally at the fourth he saw Stringley’s back. He was seated in front of a plasmatic screen. Playing backgammon.
‘Are you winning?’ Feb asked.
‘I always win. Well, about nine-seven point two percent of the time,’ Stringley replied without turning his head. Still concentrating on his next move of a four and five. Always a nasty roll in backgammon.
‘My average is nine-seven point nine percent,’ Feb said without boasting.
‘Well at least you know……..,’ Stringley started to say as he swivelled his chair to finally face his visitor, then stood to attention from his chair with such a bolt that his chair collided rather violently with his plasmatic screen. ‘Oh, I’m so sorry …… I mean ….. What I was going to say was ….. ,’ Stringley stumbled as he recognised February the Fifth standing in his bedroom.
‘It’s alright young man. I just want to have a chat with you.’ Feb said as reassuringly as he could. It didn’t work very well however.
‘I swear I didn’t know anything about the tea sir. It wasn’t my….. ,’
‘It’s ok Stringley. I know it wasn’t you.’
‘But how did you find me?’ Stringley asked with panic still written over every word.
‘Your mum told me.’
‘My mum’s been arrested?’
‘No. She’s cleaning my flat.’
‘Your flat?’
‘Yes.’
‘But you live in a palace.’
‘Not anymore’
‘I don’t understand,’ Stringley said now very, very slightly reassured. Not enough to remove all the panic from his voice though.
‘Nor do I Stringley. Nor do I,’ Feb said shaking his head. ‘I was hoping you might be able to help me.’
‘Um. Well, I can try, but I don’t think I know much sir. Er, would you like a cup of …….,’ Stringley started to say and realised he was going to say something really very stupid.
‘Just a glass of water will be fine,’ Feb replied and smiled.
Feb followed a still nervous Stringley to the kitchen and noticed that he walked with a very slight limp. Slightly shorter and leaner than Feb, and with a very close haircut, Feb wondered if he was in a youth brigade or cadet corps. Once in the kitchen, Feb sat down at the table and Stringley rushed about nervously looking for a clean glass.
‘How old are you?’ Feb asked.
‘Fifty-four sir.’
‘Ah, so you’re just a little younger than me then.’
‘I suppose so sir.’
‘You can call me Feb you know.’
‘Oh, I’m not sure sir.’
‘It’s ok. When you’re ready.’
‘Yes sir,’ Stringley said as he put a glass of water in front of Feb and remained standing.
‘Sit down,’ Feb said in friendly tone and Stringley hesitantly obeyed but still looked extremely nervous.
‘What happened to your leg?’
‘My leg sir?’
‘Yes. You seem to have a limp.’
‘Oh it’s nothing sir. I just have one leg slightly shorter than the other. It doesn’t bother me.’
‘Well, I got crappy teeth at birth, so would you like to swap?’ Feb said with half a laugh at his attempt at humour.
‘Um. Probably not sir if that’s ok,’ Stringley said, and for the first time smiled just a little nervous smile.
After a moment’s silence, Feb sensed it was time to get down to the matters at hand.
‘What do your friends call you Stringley?’
‘Most just call me String sir. Not very imaginative, is it?’
‘Seems perfectly logical to me. Can I call you String too?’
‘Of course sir.’
‘Alright String. Can we play a game of backgammon after we talk a little bit about tea?’
‘Yes. I thought you wanted to talk about that.’
‘Do you have a real backgammon board?’ Feb asked to diffuse the tea topic a little.
‘No sir. Only my plasmatic screen.’
‘Well, I have a real one with real dice at my place. Maybe we could go there to play nine frames.’
‘Oh! Yes sir.’ Stringley said with some enthusiasm.
‘Ok. Good. But tea first.’
‘Yes sir.’
After less than an hour, Feb had all the information he needed from his new friend String. The tea order and String’s sick leave had both been OK’D. It was becoming clearer to Feb that the tea leaves were pointing their way towards his father’s personal assistant and advisor, Oderly Kerth Dagnion. This was not OK in Feb’s mind.
Feb and String started their backgammon tournament shortly after walking to Feb’s old flat. By seven in the evening they were starting their fifth game of nine frames, with Feb and String tied at two games all. April called to check on Feb and discovering they had no plans at all for dinner, invited them over. Feb asked String, who agreed and he told April they would finish their fifth game and be there shortly. Feb told String to call his mum and tell her. He said it was alright, but Feb insisted.
At two games all and now into the newly agreed deciding game, String was concentrating on a dicey roll of a one and five. The silence of the definitive moment of the tournament was timed to perfection otherwise neither Feb nor String would have heard the sound of heavy boots heading towards Feb’s front door.
‘It’s the guards!’ Feb whispered.
‘Get under your bed!’ String whispered back with authority.
‘What?’ Feb replied.
‘Just do it! Now!’ String almost hissed as he folded up the backgammon board and grabbed Feb’s portable plasmatic screen, put his feet up on the sofa and tried to look comfy. ‘Go!’ he hissed again to Feb who this time took his order from a scrawny young kid looking as if he owned the place, and scurried to his bedroom and rolled to the floor and hid under his bed. He had just made it when he heard a loud knock at the door, followed by the door being kicked in before even the fastest pair of legs in the entire Twelve Sun Systems could have answered the door.
‘Who are you?’ a loud military type voice bellowed at String. Backed up by five nasty looking guards with threatening looking weapons pointed in String’s direction.
‘Stringley sir.’
‘Well, what are you doing here?’
‘My mum does the cleaning here sir and I knew the place was empty so I ….’
‘The cleaning lady’s son!’ the guard laughed and looked at his five men. ‘So you thought you would help yourself to a free flat then young man.’
‘Er. I’m sorry sir, I didn’t know that it ……’
‘Oh shut up!’ the guard barked. ‘Is anyone else here?’
‘No sir. Just me sir.’
‘Check the other rooms,’ the guard ordered and two of his men went scurrying from room to room and returned to say all was clear. String hid his relief. ‘I should arrest you for trespassing,’ the guard bellowed at String.
‘Yes sir,’ String replied obediently.
‘Right, let’s go,’ the guard ordered his men and they began to turn on their heels and head to the now useless front door which was hanging at a pitiful angle held by one solitary bent hinge. The guard started to leave and then turned to String. ‘If I catch you here again, I’ll have you,’ he said in a threatening tone designed to scare the pants off young miscreants.
‘Yes sir,’ String replied in a very well faked relieved tone of voice.
String waited until he was sure all six guards were safely a long way away before going to check on Feb.
‘They’ve gone. You can come out now,’ String said as he stood near Feb’s bedroom door. Feb rolled out and sat on the floor.
‘Do you know who they were?’ String asked.
‘Yes String. Plan D.’
‘What?’
‘Um String. Do you know how to fly a Cosmic Cruiser?’
‘Eh. No.’
‘Do you know anyone who can?’
‘No.’
‘Well, would you like to help me find someone who can?’
‘Well, I suppose so. Why?’
‘Would you like to take a nice little holiday to Terranova Two to look for an old cave?’
‘I just lost my job, so I’m free at the moment,’ String smiled and somehow cemented a friendship along with it. ‘Now you’re gonna say I have to call my mum.’
‘Yes. But maybe you don’t tell her everything though. I’m sure you’ve had practice at that.’
Feb picked up his Q’muniktor. ‘Come on. I think we’d better find a quieter place for the night.’
‘One with a front door,’ String joked.
‘String. Grab the backgammon board.’
The Lost Potentate
Dagnion was furious. ‘Just find him!’ he shouted at Major Snerlic, the guard who had led the mission that failed to locate February hiding under his bed, and was also a co-conspirator with a small group trying to over-throw the Gregorian Royal Family.
‘We’ve looked everywhere we could possibly think of,’ Snerlic replied using we, trying to deflect the blame from himself directly.
‘Now listen to me Snerlic. This February fool was only supposed to be the Supreme Potentate for forty-eight hours at most. Just until we could get him out of the way and record and remove the Twelve Gregorian Traits from his pea brain. Remember?’
‘Yes, of course I do, but he must know we are after him now.’
‘Well until we’re sure that we have the idiot Supreme Potentate in our keeping, another cannot be proclaimed. If he popped up, the Grand Council would have my head. And yours too remember.’
