February The Fifth (The Glothic Tales)

by Derek Haines

  The fact that this new February was now the first in line to succeed February the Fifth caused a bit of consternation amongst the Gregorian family purists as he was a product of two of the three Gregorian family lines and hence not a pure royal. It was February the Fifth who, as usual, found a simple solution to all the family debating and bickering. He wrote a new decree and addressed it to both the Director of the Cavern of Clavius and the Director of the Cavern Library Annexe decreeing that the three line family tree had been around for far too long and was exceedingly complicated and really, just not worth all the fuss and bother. Therefore, from that date forward there was to be only one Gregorian royal family. With all descendants of Pope Gregory the Thirteenth being declared as true and pure Gregorian royalty. At the same time, he decreed that the names of the seven days of the week would be added to the list of official Gregorian royal first names to help lessen confusion. Thus bringing the official list to nineteen. As normal, with all things during his reign, everyone liked his decision.

  One of his very few decisions that didn’t really take off was when he decreed that the names of the four seasons would be added to the official name list. Not that there was any protest, disagreement or dissent. It was just that nobody bothered to use the four new official names as they were perceived to be rather boring.

  Although often encouraged by some of his younger Grand Councillors, Feb resisted all moves to start searching for the fabled Thirteenth Sun System. On many occasions, research from astronomers and astro-physicists was presented to him regarding its possible location, but after politely listening to or reading their findings, he respectfully thanked everyone then promptly forgot about it. Even intense lobbying from Gloth’s plethora of multi-planetary and multi-galactical industrial monopolies and banks would not sway him. When pushed, his response was always the same.

  ‘Gloth does not need another war. And never will.’

  In the autumn days of his life, February the Fifth spent a lot of his time playing backgammon with his brother-in-law and official General Factotum, String. On a particularly sunny Sunday afternoon, during a tense moment in the ninth game when Feb rolled an especially useful double six, that unique moment in time rather inconveniently arrived for him.

  At the very moment February the Fifth, the Supreme Potentate of the Twelve Sun Systems of Gloth, drew his double six inspired last breath, the Dodecahedron, buried deep below the ancient city of Rom, glowed momentarily.

  Glowing just the most royal of truly royal blues.

  The Very End

  About The Author

  Derek Haines is an author of fiction, historical fiction, essays and poetry and writes his books from a view of what fascinates him and not from a formula based on one theme or genre. Starting with poetry before moving into essays and novels, his writing is varied but is always written in a style that communicates with and engages his readers.

  Most of all, the stories told by Derek Haines are about people, their feelings, regrets, hopes and struggles with life. Ordinary people, often a loser, but with extraordinary qualities that makes their story worth telling. While some stories reflect his own thoughts and beliefs, others are told from the view of characters who are sometimes dark and complex or childishly open. With splashes of allegory, black humour or simple satire, his stories can develop from the simplistic to the complicated and back again leaving the reader to decide if it is time to laugh or cry. Or both.

  Born in Australia, but now living in Switzerland with his wife and his dog, his stories cross a wide geographical range but often draw from elements of his life and experiences in the two countries he calls home. From the rugged, dry and hot desert country of Australia and its crowded cities to the cafés of Europe and the peaks of the Swiss Alps. The hustle and bustle of Sydney to the quiet life of the Swiss country side.

  When not writing, he is usually doing what he equally enjoys. Teaching English.

  Derek Haines Links:

  http://www.derekhaines.ch

  Twitter @Derek_Haines

  Other Books written by Derek Haines

  The Three Glothic Tales

  February The Fifth

  A young fool becomes king and quickly discovers he has some very nasty enemies. Particularly the ones who are shooting at him.

  In a remarkable turn of events, a young man with a lot definitely not going for him, somehow manages to come to terms with a startling reality. He has to grow up. Being handicapped by not only having rather nasty acne and an odd eye impediment, he also has to suffer the fact that his name is February. Or at best, Feb to his very limited number of friends.

  While not at all wishing to rush into this startling new reality, circumstances and a few elbow nudges from his very protective elder sister ensure that his ‘not at all wishing’ turns out to be a complete waste of time. Thrust totally and altogether unwillingly into a position of authority by early afternoon, February finds himself with a new appendage tacked on to the end his name.

  The Fifth. The new and very authoritative part of his name.

  Of course, as is the case in all such rapid and thrusting types of promotion to positions of power, there will be those who are not happy about it. In February’s case however, he finds that in fact these those amount to just about everyone apart from his three sisters.

  Undaunted by this reality, Feb accepts his new responsibility and by early evening sets about getting himself into a real tangle. His only true achievement being that he discovers that quite a few of these those who weren’t so happy, are in fact really very upset about the whole Fifth appendage deal. By bedtime, he thinks he is in trouble.

  Before lunchtime the next day, he is sure.

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  ISBN/EAN13: 1456344374 / 978-1456344375

  Paperback: 238 pages

  Kindle, Paperback and E-Book versions available.

  HAL

  Millions of years before February The Fifth, Gloth was making a nice little profit from the planet Erde, with the help of some cunning Popes and the very, very secret Star Chamber.

  Being disowned by his father and booted out of his family manor in England, then transported off to the distant sun drenched shores of Australia didn’t sound like such a bad punishment for Hal. All things considered. Sydney however, didn’t prove to be his cup of tea, but a quick move to Brisbane leads Hal to a wonderful new life full of friends, back yards, barbecues, beer, surfing, The Breakfast Creek Hotel and Narelle.

  The idyllic life.

  For a short time unfortunately, as so often happens just when you think things are beautifully perfect, someone or something comes along to throw a spanner in the works. In Hal’s case, his idyllic life gets hit my a number of airborne wrenches. Then when he thinks things are are about as bad as they can get, they of course get a whole lot worse.

  Afflicted by an allergic reaction to dust and scary things, Hal does a lot of sneezing as he goes about trying to make the whole lot worse a whole lot better.

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  ISBN/EAN13: 146110565X / 978-1461105657

  Paperback: 238 pages

  Kindle, Paperback and E-Book versions available.

  Septimity and The Blood Brotherhood

  The last Glothic Tale

  Long after HAL and February The Fifth, the Gregorian Royal Family gene pool has degenerated so badly that the next Supreme Potentate of Gloth is destined to be be a boy idiot, whose father died racing him to the Palace garden. His father won the race by jumping from the Palace roof screaming, 'I win! I win!' just before meeting his death on a brick pathway alongside a beautiful bed of roses.

  The death however, finally provides Septimity and his six brothers the chance to enact Ichor. Planned for eons, their dream is to return a pure blood Glothian to the position of Supreme Potentate and rid Gloth of all the embarrassing Erdean monkey genes that had infected their planet for almost ever.

  However as is the way with plans, not everything goes as it was envisaged
and as Septimity discovers, the very best way to handle major plan problems is to leave them all until tomorrow and get on with enjoying breakfast.

  Join Septimity in this third and final Glothic Tale and have a fun filled giggle around the galaxy.

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  ISBN/EAN13: 978-1477501436 / 1477501436

  Paperback: 162 pages

  Kindle, Paperback and E-Book versions available.

  Other Books

  One Last Love

  Life has the habit of delivering its perverse twists at the most unexpected times.

  For Bonnie his life had been lived, and the bitter sweet memories of his wife, along with the never ending sorrow of losing his son so young remain with him, but were now ebbing slowly with the passing of the years. His days of love, warmth and tenderness well past and all that was left were his last few quiet years to grow old. Alone, yet content.

  What he had done, he had done and what had happened, had. All that remained was to live out the rest of his life in a new place, far away from his checkered past. His days passing with the regularity that an old man desires and deserves. Until the dark day arrives that signals an impending end to his new found life, and with it, all sense of hope.

  In facing mortality, Bonnie resorts to using his crusty exterior and bravado to hide the frailty and fear he feels within himself, until he is presented with stark realities beyond his understanding and is forced to come face to face with his own prejudices and beliefs. In meeting Danny and Angeline, Bonnie begins to reshape his thoughts about his acceptance of those he had habitually admonished, and of the bigoted life he has lived. While Charlie and his daughter Beatrice realign his set concepts of how he has habitually rushed to judge people too quickly.

  However, it is only when Bonnie meets Madeleine that the most unexpected eventuality turns his hard held beliefs, and his very set views about life, people and love, on their head.

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  ISBN/EAN13: 1449531261 / 9781449531263

  Paperback: 154 pages

  Kindle, Paperback and E-Book versions available.

  Louis

  No one wants to be a spy. Circumstances create spies. For a young innocent boy, there was no choice. He was born to be a spy. This is the story of Teremun who begins life in Cairo and becomes my friend Louis in a small country town in Australia sixty years later.

  It is a story I have been wanting to tell for more than forty years. A story of a man who lived, and then disappeared from all memory. I felt this was unworthy of a man who had sacrificed his life for what he believed to be right. Not that he always was, but in his heart he lived a life true to his morals and an understanding of a side of life we will never know.

  Two world wars shaped his life as they did for many others. However Louis moved through them, between them and after them as a chameleon. Ever changing and ever re-inventing himself. He was a man of secrets. Both in his work and in his life. He was a man who had few friends, but a plethora of faceless enemies. Above all he was a human who lived an extraordinary life. A life that should not be forgotten.

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  ISBN/EAN13: 1450535526 / 9781450535526

  Paperback: 258 pages

  Kindle, Paperback and E-Book versions available.

  Dead Men

  Evolution hasn't made a lot of difference as far as men are concerned. The end of the chase has changed little over the eons, as he drags his woman back to his cave in the belief he needs to spread his genes. When she rebuffs his advances, he resorts immediately to violence and roars in disbelief at the rejection. Our society may have changed, but as far as the Alpha Male is concerned, little has changed in his belief that he is the dominant hunter and protector.

  Although believing we live in a civilised society, when men are rejected by their women, primeval urges are difficult to repress. A hurt male, is a hurt male, so beware. Dead Men is a raw, undignified and sad tale of men who have trouble in accepting their own failings and fragilities, and an instinctive need to blame the women in their lives for their sudden demise. Having difficulty in accepting that their women and children are not their possessions, they regress to needing vengeance, retribution and humiliation on their path to renewal. Dead Men is disturbing, uncouth and at times vulgar.

  A story that may surprise, offend or shock, but will certainly not be forgotten. Whether you are man or woman, single, married or divorced, you will connect with the characters and their human reactions to the trauma of lost love and rejection. At times ugly, but always too very real.

  View in the Kindle Store

  ISBN/EAN13: 1461024285 / 978-1461024286

  Paperback: 298 pages

  Paperback and E-Book versions available.

  Milo Moon

  It all ended after World War Two. Or so it was thought. While medical and physiological experimentation on humans was repugnant and against all sensibilities, it remained valuable and above all highly profitable. Just simply believing something had gone away was good enough for most.

  Not for Milo Moon and Mary Seaton, who became proof of an international conspiracy to hide the truth. Simple and childish they may have been, but they held a history in their beings that was a threat to international political stability. For the Swiss government faced with such a discovery on their soil, the art of politics necessitated compromise and calculation to find a solution. A viable outcome that gained maximum political benefit of course; which is the habit of seasoned politicians.

  However, above all this had to remain a secret and be buried again behind the walls of political cloak and dagger, secret services and a need to protect the sensitivities that we call modern history. Therefore, it never happened.

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  ISBN/EAN13: 1451553471 / 9781451553475

  Paperback: 276 pages

  Kindle, Paperback and E-Book versions available.

  My Take Away Vampire

  A Tasty Novella

  Although Agatha is over three hundred years old, it certainly doesn’t mean that she can’t adapt and fit into ugly post-industrial small town suburbia. Partial to the delights that an evening at McDonald’s often serve her, she waits at her favourite dimly lit corner table – for her kind of take away.

  Being your typical urban vampire, this means that her fare isn’t up in bright lights on the menu above the cashiers. However, she usually finds exactly what she is looking for. Her teenage beauty, long blonde hair and ice blue eyes are a temptation very few can resist.

  After a long and predictable vampiric existence, trouble is afoot for Agatha. Red headed, freckled and just a little slow on the uptake sometimes, young Reggie stumbles into Agatha’s predictability and turns it on its head.

  Add the over-protective and rhyming ghost of a dead poet, a snarling black wolf, some cops and Agatha’s preference for the 1980’s fashion of mini-skirts, satin halter neck tops and knotted white blouses, things just may go awry.

  Along with a couple of untimely and unfortunate deaths, and Reggie’s complete misunderstanding of anything at all that’s going on, the awry becomes a dead certainty.

  Enjoy My Take Away Vampire. A very different yet tasty little vampire tale.

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  ASIN: B006EKO5D8

  E-Book versions only.

  Loss, Limbo, Life and Love

  I do not keep a diary, so I will fashion by ode,

  The events and the feelings of my difficult load.

  This rhyming journal will remind me in years,

  Of what I was feeling when I was so prone to tears.

  This is a note book of loss, and of finding my way,

  Back to a life, in a year and a day.

  I will let it all out on day three sixty six,

  For all eyes to see, What I felt, found and missed.

  My journey to freedom, from hurting to bliss,

  Is far from complete, I’m not healed with a kiss.

  My torture an
d torment, and feelings of guilt,

  Will abate as time passes and new foundations are built.

  So read if you wish, I have no shame or remorse,

  Of you seeing my soul, my heart and trod course.

  But please don’t pass judgement on what you will read,

  Just close the book gently when you’ve finished with me.

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  ISBN/EAN13: 1449531261 / 9781449531263

  Paperback: 138 pages

  Kindle, Paperback and E-Book versions available.

  An Uneducated View of Sex, Food and Politics

  Who is DEREK HAINES ?

  What is the meaning of life?

  Where do I fit in the scheme of things?

  What is this book about?

  If you are looking for answers to the above questions, this is NOT the place to look. This book covers many topics. But none in depth. It doesn’t ask too many questions. So logically from this perspective, it doesn’t answer many questions either. It does however have some recipes.

  In between the recipes there are passages of meandering text that are placed in a clever word order so as to create utter confusion for the reader, and include (above all else) phrases in brackets that further test the reader’s patience. There are also (1) and no pictures.

  This book was written in 1998. Today it is 2009. So what has changed. Not much, except I use and Apple uni-boby laptop now to put words into a clever order.