The Perfect Right Hook

by Amy DeMeritt

  “I have, and I think you have your work cut out for you. No fish are swimming by to help me see passed that murky surface.”

  “Ok, let’s try to stir up some fish. Did you play pretend or dress up as a kid?”

  “No, I wasn’t very good at that.”

  “Were you shy? Like maybe you thought people would tease you if you played along?”

  “No, I don’t think that was it. I mean, I was already teased all the time for my height so what’s one more thing for them to tease me about, you know?”

  Our waiter returns and takes our order before she can assess what I just said. She takes a sip of her iced tea and appears to be thinking for a moment. “Try something for me?”

  “Anything.” She smiles, leans forward slightly, and with a lower voice, she says, “Close your eyes.” I close my eyes and she quietly says, “Picture yourself on that cobblestone street in New Orleans. Do you see the street and the beautiful balconies?” I nod. “Ok, picture yourself wearing a brown suede vest over a white mock collar blouse with tattered jeans on your legs.” I smile and let out a small laugh seeing the image she’s painting in my mind with the velvet brush of her voice. “Now, lift your hands and examine the cold brass trumpet in your hands.” My smile widens. She’s really good at this. “Now, tell me what you do next.” I start to open my eyes, but she says, “Keep your eyes closed.”

  “I start to play, blowing hard into the mouth piece, sending the raspy brass breaths into the sky. While I walk down the street playing my trumpet, people start to come out of their homes with their own instruments, and we build a parade of music, dance, and laughter. We fill the streets with music and joy.”

  I try to focus on the sounds, to hear the music and laughter, and I try to imagine the scent of Cajun and Creole spices mixed with the fragrance of the flowers on the balconies. But the more I try to focus on the details, the less I can see. The people start to disappear and I’m left standing alone on the street. My attire has changed to a pair of boxing shorts and sports bra. I lift my hands hoping to see the trumpet, but it’s gone and my hands are in a pair of boxing gloves. When I look up, Tina is standing in front of me with her boxing attire on, looking very aggressive. I put my fists up and take a defensive stance. She smiles.

  “This is who you are, Jordan. You’re not anything more than this, and you’re not even very good at this.” She lunges forward and jabs me in the gut a few times, and as her fist swings through the air towards my left temple, I quickly open my eyes and gasp.

  Alex reaches across the table and brushes a tear away from my eye. “What happened?”

  “I lost it. The harder I tried to see more, the harder it was to see anything other than what I really am. I think we need stronger bait to tempt the fish out of hiding. Either that or I’m just not capable of walking a ‘spirit journey’ alone.” She smiles and nods. “Ok. We can try again if you want and I’ll walk you through the whole thing next time.”

  “Yeah, maybe tomorrow we can try again. So, when you were a kid, what did you like to pretend to be?”

  I feel like I’m being haunted by Tina. Why does she keep showing up? I desperately need to get my mind on something else.

  “I liked to play nurse and doctor a lot. I used to pretend my parents and stuffed animals were patients and I would bandage them up.”

  “That’s adorable. Did you wear a stethoscope?” She laughs and nods. “I had the whole Fisher Price doctors bag with tools and the white coat. What were your favorite toys as a kid?”

  “I think my Lego’s and Transformers were my favorites. I could play with them for hours. When I got older, I liked strategy and thinking games. I’m really good at chess and Sudoku.”

  “Sounds like your problem-solving side of your brain is more dominant than your imaginative side. That’s probably why you’re so good with computers. But it’s probably also why you struggle to see beyond what you know and what seems practical.”

  “But you have a great imagination and you’re practical. I mean, you don’t get to be the accounting manager of a big company at your age without being practical. So, why can’t I be good at both?”

  “Maybe you’re choosing to suppress your imagination. Don’t worry, we’ll figure out how to get you out of that boxing ring and into the circus.” I laugh and shake my head. “Good luck, Doc.” She smiles warmly and we start eating our food that has just been delivered.

  “This is really good. I feel like I’m eating sunshine.” Alex laughs. “And what does eating sunshine taste and feel like?”

  “It tastes fresh and fragrant. I feel warm and pure, almost like the ozone that lightning creates during a thunderstorm.” Alex laughs a little. “It’s interesting you would use an aftereffect of a thunderstorm to describe how sunshine feels.” I smile and shrug my shoulders. “I love thunderstorms. I love a beautiful clear sunny day, but I think a thunderstorm is just so beautiful. It’s like Mother Nature got tired of being orderly and responsible and just decided to throw a fit, like she’s breaking free of the bonds that people want her to remain in and she’s reminding us that we don’t determine what makes her beautiful, she does.” Alex smiles and regards me a moment. “Jordan, I think a fish just swam across the pool of your mind. Like Mother Nature, you need to unleash that chaotic beauty in you and let out all of you instead of staying within the bonds you’ve created for yourself. If you think thunderstorms are more beautiful than a sunny day, then it’s probably because you subconsciously want a change, something new.”

  “Isn’t boxing chaotic enough?” She shakes her head and swallows the bite she just took before responding. “Not for you. For someone like me that has never boxed, yes, boxing would be a bit of chaos. But for you, its normal. You have been boxing for so long that its comfortable and safe. Chaos, by definition, is disorderly and uncontrolled. Going against something you have been doing and are used to doing would be chaotic.”

  “Hm… that’s interesting. So, you’re saying, my boxing, while aggressive and I can get hurt doing it, is actually my sunny days and not a thunderstorm?”

  “Exactly. You know, another nice thing about a thunderstorm is that all that rain really distorts the reflection in the surface of a pond. Make it rain hard enough and you won’t see any reflection anymore – no images will remain to distract you from experiencing the full picture. All that heavy rain actually churns up what’s under the the water, bringing it closer to the surface and allowing you see what lays below. I think you need to start gathering your storm clouds so you can break up that stale image.”

  “Ok, I guess I’ll temporarily hang up my boxing gloves and get a yoga mat.” Alex laughs and nods. “Sounds like a good start. I’m going to a class tomorrow night if you’d like to go with me.”

  “Ok, but I’m warning you, I might be small, but I’m not graceful. If I have to balance on one leg, I’ll probably fall over. You’ll need to make sure there’s no one within close proximity of me or I’ll send them crashing to the floor with me.” Alex laughs and shakes her head. “Maybe we should do the first session outside the classroom.”

  “Yeah, probably safer for the students not to unleash this tiny thunderstorm inside their classroom. You can come over to my place if you want. I’m free tonight if you don’t want to miss your class tomorrow night.” Alex laughs hard. “Ok, Little Thunderstorm, I’ll come to your place tonight. Just send me the details later when we get back to the office. Speaking of which, I guess we better get back; we’ve been gone awhile.”

  When we get back to the office, and we’re about to get out of the car, I hesitate and look at Alex for a moment. She looks at me with her beautiful eyes glittering from the sun coming through her windshield, making them look even more clear than usual. “Alex, thank you for lunch and I’m sorry I monopolized our whole lunch hour with my sudden need to revolutionize myself. I haven’t even asked you how your day’s going.” Alex smiles and shakes her head. “Believe me, the discussion we had was much more interesting than tal
king about the miserable life suckers on my team. There is one funny story though from this morning that I’ll tell you later.”

  “Ok, I just didn’t want to hog the stage or whatever.”

  “Well, what kind of shaman or dream guide would I be if I just talk about me and ignore the hidden musings trying to get out of you? Besides, yesterday was mostly all about trying to cheer me up, so I kind of owe you.”

  I’m very surprised with how comfortable and safe I feel with Alex. I’m very close with Callie and I thought I told her everything, but meeting Alex has me questioning that and so many other things. I thought I was happy with how my life was. I have a good safe job that at times feels like I’m playing a strategy game, which I love. I like to box and it makes me feel strong and confident when doing it. And I try to help kids stay off the streets and to make the right choices by helping at the local community centers teaching boxing and computer skills. Maybe I’ve become too comfortable in who I perceive myself to be; everything I do seems to revolve around computers and boxing. But without those two things, who am I?

  When I get back to my desk, I’m relieved to see there are only a few easy tickets waiting for me, which I take care of in no time at all and decide to enjoy the lull in the work by sitting back and thinking. At lunch, Alex asked me about my playing habits as a child. At the time, I hadn’t really understood why that mattered, but the more I think about it, I can see the connections she was trying to make. Growing up, I always tended to reject activities that required the imagination; I always preferred activities that used my knowledge, skills, and strength. Why though? Why did I shy away from using my imagination? Was Alex right? Was I afraid of being teased if I played along and maybe sounded goofy or looked goofy? There has to be at least one time growing up that I played dress up or played pretend; there just has to be. I think it would be impossible for a child not to try it at least once. I just can’t see it in my past, but I know there has to be a time I used my imagination. A little box appears on my screen with a new message. It’s from Alex.

  Alex 3:34 pm: Hey, did you name your stuffed animals?

  Wow, could she possibly be clairvoyant? How could she possibly pose just the perfect question when I’m lost in finding this answer?

  Jordan 3:34 pm: Yes, I did. Alex, you are brilliant. I have been racking my brain trying to think of a time that I used my imagination and I just couldn’t remember anything at all. I had a purple octopus that I named Maggie Magenta and she was a magician. When I was around six or seven, I used to put on magic shows with Maggie.

  Alex 3:35 pm: Why did you stop?

  Jordan 3:36 pm: I… I’m not really sure.

  Alex 3:36 pm: What happened to Maggie?

  Jordan 3:36 pm: I know I had her for a few more years, but then my parents started getting rid of some of my “younger” toys and donated them. I’m pretty sure Maggie was in that donation box.

  Alex 3:37 pm: That’s very sad. I actually still have my play doctors bag and white doctors coat. There are a few other toys that over the years I just refused to allow my parents to get rid of. Do you have any toys left, any that you just wouldn’t let your parents toss?

  Jordan 3:39 pm: I have a cast iron train steam engine that I got when we went on an old-time train ride when I was around ten. I have some different board games too, but I think the train engine is the only actual toy I have left. My parents might still have something in storage, I’m not sure.

  Alex 3:40 pm: A train engine, huh? Do you like to travel?

  Jordan 3:41 pm: I actually haven’t had the opportunity to travel that much out of state, but the few times we did, I loved it. I love the idea of exploring new places.

  Alex 3:42 pm: Try to catch that fish, Jordan. :)

  Jordan 3:43 pm: Travel… Where would I go? And why would I go?

  Alex 3:44 pm: Why doesn’t matter; you don’t need a reason to travel; you just do it to experience it. The answer to where is everywhere you can possibly go. I haven’t traveled much either, but I would love to. It’s definitely something on my list of “must do activities”.

  Jordan 3:45 pm: So, would a nice vacation out of state or even out of the country constitute as running away to the circus, even if I come home and do exactly what I’m doing now?

  Alex 3:46 pm: Absolutely. Just because you run away to the circus doesn’t mean you have to stay there forever. The circus represents chaos and change and fanciful dreams. We can’t live in those kinds of moments forever, at least not most of us. Remember, your circus is supposed to be something to obscure the surface and allow you explore more fully life and who you are. If you remain in the circus, then you’ll just repeat the same rut you feel like you’re in now. Just like Mother Nature has her sunny days and her stormy days, we too will have our steady reliable days and activities, and we’ll have our chaotic exceptional days.

  Jordan 3:50 pm: I just remembered something about Maggie. The last time I put on a magic show for my family, my great-grandparents were there. My great-grandfather, Alfonso, was a mean old man that didn’t have patience for children at all. I was so young that I didn’t really realize that his temperament towards children wasn’t the same as all adults. When he spoke, I just figured that’s how all adults think and feel. I got really upset doing my show because one of my tricks wasn’t working. He got mad that I was upset over something so “silly” and yelled at me, telling me that magic doesn’t exist. He said, “if you can’t see it, it doesn’t exist.”

  Alex 3:55 pm: What a horrible thing to say to a child. No wonder you suppressed your imagination. Did your parents not contradict him?”

  Jordan 4:00 pm: No, they didn’t.

  Alex 4:00 pm: That’s probably why the train is the only toy you kept. The train represents a vehicle to take you to things you can only dream of. It’s your desire to reclaim your imagination and ability to dream beyond what you can see.

  Jordan 4:05 pm: You seriously are in the wrong profession. You should be a psychologist or something, dream shaman at a minimum for sure.

  Alex 4:06 pm: I like “dream shaman”. It sounds so mystical and exotic – would look pretty cool on a resume too.

  I laugh really hard. I can only imagine what a human resources recruiter would think when seeing “Dream Shaman” on a resume for a company like ours.

  Jordan 4:07 pm: I’ll be your reference, Doc Shaman.

  Alex 4:08 pm: Thank you, Case Study: Fish Catcher.

  Jordan 4:09 pm: Oh my god, I’m laughing so hard. “Case Study: Fish Catcher”, that’s hilarious. So, do we have to perform a Pow Wow or something to celebrate receiving my new Indian Name?

  Alex 4:10 pm: Sure, I can smear paint on your cheeks and then beat on a drum and sing some chants while I dance around you with incense burning.

  Jordan 4:12 pm: Ok, you have me laughing so much that three people have popped up out of their cubes like “whack-a-moles” to look at me with raised eyebrows.

  Alex 4:14 pm: I’m starting to wonder what kind of alternate universe I fell into when I started working here. The accounting team is actually a coven of vampires, the VP is a Cerberus, and a portion of the IT team are moles.

  Jordan 4:16 pm: Ah, but are they really so unique compared to you? You are after all a very powerful Dream Shaman. You are just a better kind of mystical creature. Oh, shoot, I just got an urgent ticket request. This one will probably take a while, so if I don’t get to say goodbye before you leave, then I’ll see you tonight at my place.

  Alex 4:17 pm: Ok, see you later.

  The ticket was placed by Steph in HR, but is for our security desk. I rush down to the security desk and our guard, Andrew, is pacing nervously. “Ok, the ticket wasn’t very clear. What happened exactly?”

  “I don’t know; I was working on importing today’s camera footage and badge swipes onto the server like I do every day, and it just shut down. The computer just died or something.”

  I reach under the desk and check all the wires. Everything is plugged in properly. There’s
still a light emitting from the power button on the computer so that’s actually still on.

  “It looks like your monitor may have died. I’ll be right back.”

  When I get back, I swap out the old monitor for the new one and it comes to life with the data transfer still in progress. I smile and grab the old monitor to head back to my desk. That was easier than I expected it to be. His ticket made it sound like he lost of all today’s security camera footage, which would have been really bad. He might have actually been fired if that had happened.

  “Ok, you’re all set, and it looks like your transfer is almost complete.” He visibly relaxes and sighs in relief. “Oh, thank god.” I smile and walk away.

  When I get home, I make a quick dinner of chicken and veggie stir fry over jasmine rice and eat out on my balcony. While I eat, I remember the imagination experiment from earlier with Alex. I really loved how bright and beautiful those flower-filled balconies of New Orleans were. I should get some flowers and plants out here. I’ve always loved to sit on my balcony, but I think some nice colorful plants and flowers would make it feel almost foreign, like a balcony of a far-away village or something.

  After I eat, I get changed into some boxing shorts and a tank top. Alex will be over soon to show me some yoga poses. I’m still not convinced that this type of “exercise” is actually going to do anything to work my body hard or stir up those fish in my self-image pond, but I’ll give it a shot.

  Alex’s knock on my door is so faint I’m not sure if I really heard it or not. I peek out the peep-hole and smile. I open the door and wave her inside. “Glad you didn’t get lost. Some people have a hard time finding this place the first time they come.” I live in an apartment building above a Chinese restaurant and the entrance to the apartments is kind of tucked in a corner. If you don’t know it’s there, you would miss it.

  “I’m familiar with the area.” She looks me up and down and smiles and shakes her head. “Jordan, you need to go change.” I look down at myself and furrow my brow in confusion. “What? Why?”