“Lainey, it’s Ash. Open up, please.”
She reached for the door, but the relief she’d felt at hearing his voice turned to fear. She threw the door open, and he brushed past her to enter before she could say a word. She hadn’t taken time to turn the lights on, and he strode into the darkened living room without speaking.
After closing the door, she walked back to the living room and switched on the light. Ash stood in the middle of the room, his legs spread in that stance she’d come to know so well. As she moved nearer, he raised his right hand and raked his thick, black hair out of his eyes. The short sleeve of his T-shirt rode up over his bicep, and she froze where she stood, unable to believe what she was seeing. A tattoo of a sword and a flaming torch crossed in an X now decorated his arm.
She pointed a shaking finger at the dreaded sign. “Wh-where did you have that done?”
His shoulders sagged, and he held a hand out as if in apology. “At an all-night tattoo parlor downtown.”
He took a step closer, and she backed up, shaking her head. “No, tell me you wouldn’t do this.”
“Let me explain.” The sorrow in his eyes told her all she needed to know.
She crossed her arms over her abdomen and bent double as pain ripped through her. Her legs threatened to collapse, and she grabbed the back of the couch to keep herself from falling.
“No! No! No!” she wailed. “How could you?”
Ash reached her in two steps and wrapped her in his arms. “Please, Lainey.”
She clenched her fists and beat them against his chest. He didn’t flinch as blow after blow rained down on him. When she was spent, she sagged against him, and her shoulders shook with sobs that stole her breath. “I asked you to be honest, and you lied. Why, Ash? Why?”
He held her tighter and kissed the top of her head. Never taking his arms from around her, he led her to the couch and eased them down. He cradled her against his chest as she continued to shake and cry. “This is killing me, too. Please hear me out.”
She pulled back and looked up at him. “You don’t have to explain anything to me. I understand. You’re throwing away everything we’ve planned so you can go off and live an adventurous life with your friends. But what about me, Ash? What am I supposed to do? Just roll over like a pet and wait for you to come home?”
He put his hand on the side of her face in a caress and shook his head. “This isn’t about you. It’s about me. I know that sounds selfish to you right now, but you’ll see I’m right. I’m not cut out to work in my father’s company. He knows it, too. Tonight he told me to leave and never come back.”
She stiffened her back and shook her head. “He didn’t mean it, Ash. He loves you. All he wants is for you and Richard to take over his business.”
“And that’s fine for Richard, but not me. A man has to do what he was born to do. I’m a soldier, and I can’t be anything else. Please don’t try to make me something I’m not. If I don’t do this, I’ll regret it for the rest of my life.”
Lainey pulled away and stared at him. “And what about me? I thought you wanted to marry me.”
He grabbed her hands and squeezed them. “I do, but I can’t be the head of a family if I’m still trying to please my father. All I’m asking is for you to let me have this chance. I’ll only be gone fourteen months. As soon as I get back, we’ll get married, just like we planned.”
She shook her head. “And then what? Where will we live? In St. Claire or somewhere else?”
“I don’t know. The important thing is that we’ll be together, and we can start a family.”
She jumped to her feet. “Are you living in a dream world, Ash? Fourteen months is only the beginning. After that there will be missions all over the world, and I’ll never know where you are. What happens if you’re hurt or killed? Will anybody let me know, or will I spend the rest of my life wondering what happened to you?”
He rose and came toward her, but she backed away. He held out his hand to her. She stared at it and crossed her arms. He let it drop. “We’ll cross those bridges when we come to them. Right now all I’m asking is for you to understand why I have to go.”
She shook her head. “Then you’re asking too much. I’ll never understand how you can throw away what we had, what we can still have together.”
He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “I’m not throwing it away. I’m just putting it on hold for a few months.”
She looked down at the engagement ring on her finger, and her eyes blurred. “I should never have come after you that night at the concert. The hurt I felt then was nothing what I’m feeling now.”
He inched closer to her. “Lainey. . .”
Taking a deep breath, she slipped the ring from her finger and held it out. “I don’t want this, Ash. I want a husband who loves me enoughto be with me every night, to help me raise our children. I want us to build a stable life together, not one that depends on where the latest international crisis is. You have to do what you have to do to make you happy, but I have to do the same for myself.”
He stared at the ring in her hand. He seemed shocked when he looked back into her eyes. “You can’t be serious. We share a great love that few people are lucky enough to find. It will never end, no matter what you say.”
“Maybe not, but I have to try to forget it and you.”
His gaze went back to the ring, but he didn’t move to take it. With an angry cry, she hurled it at him. It hit his chest and ricocheted to the floor.
Before she could blink, he had trapped her face between his hands. Lainey cringed at the anger on his face. She’d never seen him like this, and he gritted his teeth as he brought his face nearer hers.
“I told you once that you are mine, and you always will be. You know you can’t forget me. I’ve put my brand on your heart, and you’ve put yours on mine. There will never be anybody else for either of us. We’re destined to be together, whether you believe it now or not.”
One of his hands clamped around the back of her neck, and he pulled her to him as his mouth ground down onto hers. She tried to pull back, but he was stronger and tightened his hold. She struggled for a moment, and then it hit her that this might be the last time she would ever kiss him. Throwing her arms around his neck, she pulled him closer as the tears ran down her cheeks.
It was as if they were two drowning souls and could only find their survival in each other. His lips pressed harder against hers, and she returned his passion with an abandon like she had never felt before. He finally raised his head and stared down at her. A sad look shadowed his eyes as his thumb rubbed the tears from her eyes.
“I’m so sorry,” he whispered. “I meant it when I told you I wasn’t going, but after being with Reese and Colt tonight. . .”
Lainey wriggled from his hold and stepped back. The inside of her lip burned, and she tasted blood, a reminder of the flame between them. She sighed and pushed her hair behind her ear. “I think we’ve said it all. If you’re going, just leave. But when you walk out that door, you need to know I’m not promising to be here when you get back. Do you hear me?”
He leveled a somber look at her, then stepped closer, placed his finger under her chin, and tilted her face up. “I hear your words, but your body tells me differently. That kiss told me everything I want to know. You love me, and you won’t give up on me.” He pulled her stiff body against him again and kissed her on the forehead. “I’ll be back in fourteen months. I love you, Lainey. Don’t ever forget that.”
She didn’t speak as he turned and walked to the door. He opened it, but before he could step outside, he turned and stared at her. “You said at the restaurant that there was something you wanted to talk to me about. What was it?”
She shook her head. “It’s not important now.”
His forehead wrinkled. “Are you sure?”
She nodded. “Yes. Goodbye, Ash.”
His eyes raked her one more time, and he swallowed hard before he walked out. He closed the door b
ehind him. Lainey didn’t move until she heard his car start and drive away. Then she picked up the ring and dropped it in the pocket of her robe. She trudged to the bathroom and opened the box containing the pregnancy test she’d bought earlier.
She’d known it would be difficult for Ash to see his friends leave for Firebrand without him, and she’d hoped to give him a new adventure to share with her. Together they would wait to see if what she suspected was true, that they were to be parents in the spring. Now she would wait alone.
It didn’t take long once the test was done. She stared at the blue plus sign before she dropped the stick in the wastepaper basket beside the sink and walked back into the kitchen. A cup of tea might taste good, but she didn’t think her queasy stomach could stand anything.
Her knees wobbled, and she sank down in one of the kitchen chairs, crossed her arms on the table, and buried her face in them. She’d lost her parents and her grandmother, and she’d figured out how to live without them. She’d thought it wouldn’t happen again, couldn’t happen with Ash, but she’d been wrong. In the end, he’d left.
But this time it was worse. Much worse. Could she learn to live again? And more importantly, how could she take care of a helpless baby when she felt so dead inside? She buried her face deeper in her arms and tried to silence the sobs shaking her body, but they wouldn’t stop. After a few minutes, she got up and went to her bedroom, where she crawled in her bed and cried until she felt herself drifting off to sleep. Her last conscious thought was that she might never get up again.
Chapter 12
Time had ceased to exist for Lainey. She had no idea how many days or nights had passed since Ash had come by to break her heart. She vaguely remembered sunlight and darkness, but she didn’t know how often she’d seen either one. There had been times she’d gotten out of bed, but only to go to the bathroom or find something to drink. She’d tried to eat once or twice but hadn’t been able to keep anything down. Every time she opened her eyes she had to run to the bathroom to throw up. After a while she couldn’t even count the trips she’d made for that purpose.
The thought had run through her mind that she’d missed going to work, but she had no idea how many days she’d been absent. No one had called to check on her, but that was understandable. She was alone. Nobody cared.
Every time she became aware of her surroundings the pain came back, and she would sink into oblivion so she wouldn’t have to remember. Sleep. That’s what she had to do, but she was so sick.
More time passed when she awoke to a distant sound echoing in her mind. Someone was calling her name. She tried to open her mouth to answer, but no sound came out.
“Lainey!” the voice said again. And then someone was leaning over her, and a cool hand was touching her forehead. “She’s in here.” The man’s voice sounded as if he was far away. But she could make out the blurred image of someone standing by her bed.
“Call nine-one-one!”
She frowned. Was someone sick?
Peering through the slits of her eyes, she tried to concentrate on the face of the person bending over her. There was something familiar about him. She tried to reach up to touch him. “Ash?” she rasped.
Strong fingers curled around hers. “It’s Richard. Dad and I are here. We’ve called an ambulance. We’re going to take you to the hospital.”
She didn’t like hospitals. Didn’t want to go. But her eyes wouldn’t stay open. All she wanted was to go back to sleep and see if it would ease the terrible pounding in her head.
The next time she woke, her eyes blinked open, and she stared up at a white ceiling. Where was she? She sensed the presence of someone in the room and tried to reach out, but she couldn’t raise her hand from the bed. “Ash?” she said. “Ash, where are you?”
A rustling sound next to her bed caught her attention, and she turned to see who was there. “It’s Richard.” He placed his hand on her forehead and raked her hair away from her eyes. “I’m glad you’re awake. We’ve been so worried about you.”
She blinked and tried to bring her vision into focus. When she did, she stared up into Richard’s smiling face. “Where am I?”
“You’re in the hospital.”
She frowned and tried to remember what had happened. “How did I get here?”
“Dad and I were worried. We’d tried for two days to call you, but you didn’t answer. When Dad found out from your boss that you’d missed work for several days without calling in, we came to your house. I had to break a window out to get inside.”
She shook her head. “How long have I been sick?”
“No one’s heard from you in days. I called and called, but your phone went to voice mail.”
She closed her eyes and tried to remember, but the time was too vague. “Thank you for checking on me. I threw up until I thought I would die, and then I was so tired and my head hurt. Icouldn’t get out of bed. Did I have a bad stomach virus?”
Richard bit down on his lip before he spoke. “You have something called hyperemesis gravidarum.”
“What is it?”
He took a deep breath. “It’s a condition of extreme nausea, vomiting, and electrolyte disturbance.”
Lainey rubbed her hand across her forehead. “Well, I certainly had nausea and vomiting. Was is caused by something I ate?”
“No, Lainey,” he said. He hesitated before he continued. “It’s a condition that affects pregnant women.”
Her chin trembled as she tried to hold back her tears, but it was no use. After a moment she turned her head into the pillow and cried. “He left me.”
Richard covered her hand with his and rubbed across her knuckles. “I know. I would never have believed he could walk away from you, especially with the baby. I’d have thought even Ash would accept this kind of a responsibility. I guess I don’t know my brother after all.”
She rested her head on the pillow. “He didn’t know. I couldn’t tell him.”
Richard blinked and tilted his head to one side. “You didn’t tell him? Why not? He had a right to know.”
Lainey gritted her teeth and tried to keep the tears from rolling down her face. “I wasn’t sure. I hadn’t taken a test yet. Besides, what was I supposed to do? He was determined to join Firebrand. If I’d told him about the baby, he would have stayed. And in time he would have come to hate me. I couldn’t tell him.”
Richard stood and walked to the window. He stared outside for a minute before he turned back to her. “Surely someone at the CIA knows where he is. I’ll see if I can get in touch with him. He’ll come back, Lainey. I know he will.”
It took all her strength and effort, but she groaned, pushed up on her elbows, and shook her head. “No, this is my baby, and it’s my decision whether or not to tell him. I don’t want him coming back out of a sense of duty. If you or your father tell him, I’ll never forgive you.”
He returned to the bed and laid a restraining hand on her shoulder. “All right. If you feel that strongly, we won’t tell him.”
She sank back against the pillows and sighed. “Thank you. That’s the way I want it. Have you talked to the doctor?”
“He says you need to get some fluids in you, but you may get to leave tomorrow. He’ll check on you later.”
Lainey glanced up at the IV tube and the liquid trickling into her arm. She sighed and closed her eyes. “That sounds good. I’ve never liked hospitals. Once I get home , I’ll decide what to do.”
The door to the room opened suddenly, and Edward walked in. “I didn’t want to interrupt, but the door wasn’t closed all the way, and I’ve been listening to your conversation for the last few minutes.” He pointed a finger at Lainey and frowned. “And you, young lady, are not going back to your house.”
She swallowed and glanced at Richard who was smiling. “I’m not?”
“No,” Edward said, the stern look on his face softening. “You’re going home with us. You’re carrying my grandchild, and Richard’s niece or nephew. You’re going to sta
y with us, and we’re going to take care of you and the baby.”
Tears pooled in her eyes. “What do you mean?”
He leaned over and wrapped his fingers around her hand. “I mean, my dear, that you are not alone. You have a family. Richard and me. And we take care of family.” His face clouded. “Sometimes it’s not appreciated, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. You’re part of us now. Forever.”
A tear slipped down her face. “Ash loves you, Edward. He’s just so stubborn and independent, it’s hard for him to let you know.”
“I’ve tried to understand that boy since the day he was born, but it seems we’ve always been at cross-purposes.” Edward’s chin trembled. “And though he doesn’t think so, I love him, too. He may not want me to help him, but he can’t keep me from taking care of my grandchild.”
He smoothed her hair back on her head. “Now you rest, and tomorrow we’ll all go home together.”
When Ash left, she’d thought she was alone. She would never have guessed that Edward and Richard would want her to be part of their family. For the first time in a long time, she felt safe. With their help, she could get through the dark days ahead. She might never have Ash again, but she’d have their child. That thought made her happier than anything had in a very long time.
Chapter 13
Lainey snuggled into the pillows of the sofa and wrapped the afghan around her tighter. Even with a roaring fireplace and the blanket, she could still feel the chill of the February night.
It seemed impossible that she had been living at the DeHan mansion for six months now. And every day made it seem more like home. Edward and Richard had been true to their word and had made her and the baby a part of the family from the day they’d brought her from the hospital.
When she’d first arrived, she had thought she’d go home as soon as she felt better, but that hadn’t happened. Every time she mentioned it, she’d been met with such strong opposition that she’d finally given up. At present the three of them were involved in decorating a nursery for baby Max next to her room. Edward had been an overindulgent grandfather, insisting on only the best for the grandson who would one day run DeHan Enterprises, and Richard supported her in whatever she wanted.
Igniting the Flame (Firebrand Series) Page 7
