Calmly, Carefully, Completely

by Falkner, Tammy

  “That’s a start,” Mom hums.

  I shake my head. I’m not starting anything. He’s just a man that doesn’t make me want to run in the other direction. That’s all he is. He’s nothing more than that.

  It’s strange, because if I judged him based solely on his appearance, I’d be running away as fast as I could.

  “He’s a good kid, it looks like,” Dad says on a heavy sigh. “He made a stupid mistake.”

  “He’s kind of hot with all the tattoos,” Mom says. She giggles, and I hear my dad growl. She shrieks, and I walk away. They don’t need an audience for that part.

  I stop by Lincoln’s room on the way to mine and knock on his doorframe. “Enter,” he calls, even though the door is open. He’s sitting on his floor stacking blocks to make a tower. But Link’s towers are not like other towers. They are complicated works of art based on numerical theories and stuff I don’t understand.

  “You have fun at camp today?” I ask. We were only there for setup, and camp won’t truly begin until tomorrow, but he got to walk around and look at the people he’ll see in the morning. I step into his room and sit gingerly on the edge of a chair.

  He nods. He looks in my direction, but he doesn’t make eye contact. He doesn’t look people in the eye often. When he does, it’s usually a mistake. And often ends in a meltdown.

  “Did you meet any nice boys?”

  He nods again. He only talks when he wants to.

  “I love you,” I say. He looks up, almost meeting my gaze. Instead, his eyes dart toward my ear.

  “I love you, too,” he says quietly.

  Pete

  The fire is hot against my legs, making them itch. I scratch, the sting of my fingernails easing some of the discomfort. I have been sitting here since she left, and it’s been a little while. For a few minutes there I thought she might come back. Hell, it’s probably entirely in my head; she’s not interested in me. I look at the big house where she lives. It’s fucking perfect. White picket fence. Acres of land. Rolling pastures. A regular Anne of Green Gables. I didn’t read the book. I watched the PBS series when my mom was watching it. It came on after Sesame Street. There was nothing else to do but sit with her and watch it. My brothers gave me a hard time about it, but I didn’t care.

  The log I’m sitting on shakes as someone sits down beside me. My heart leaps until I realize it’s just Phil. He runs a hand through his too-long hair and groans. “How’s it going, Pete?” he asks.

  The fire is just embers now. It’s still hot, but it’s not flaming. “Going okay.”

  “You did a good job tonight.” He looks at me out of the corner of his eye.

  “I didn’t do anything.”

  “The camp actually starts tomorrow.” He looks at me. “You ready?”

  “I guess.” I shrug and kick at a rock with my toe.

  “Did I see you talking with Bob?”

  I look up. “Who’s that?”

  He points toward the big house. “Bob Caster. The owner of the farm.”

  “Oh, yeah.” I’ve never heard him called Bob. “He caught me talking to Reagan.” I smile. Just the thought of her makes me grin, and I haven’t laid a finger on her.

  Phil whistles. “Better be careful. I’ve seen him take down boys a lot bigger than you.”

  I snort. I can’t see that happening.

  “You remind me of him when he was younger. He was a big, scary kid with a whole lot of attitude.”

  “You’ve known him that long?”

  “Twenty-five years ago, he was you.” He nods when I look at him.

  “Me?”

  “Straight out of prison, full of piss and vinegar, and ready for a fight. He had an attitude bigger than anybody’s I ever met.” He laughs. “I was his parole officer.”

  “Wow,” I say. “What did he do to end up in prison?”

  He shrugs. “Stupid mistake, just like yours.”

  “And I don’t have an attitude,” I correct. I’ve behaved myself pretty well. My brothers will kick my ass if I’m disrespectful. Particularly Paul.

  “You have a real talent with kids. Particularly special needs kids. You ever consider social work? You could help a lot of people.”

  I’ve never really given it any thought. I’ve been afraid to plan a future for fear that something or someone would step in my path before I could start walking. “I don’t know,” I hedge.

  “Think about it. You have time.” He pauses for moment, but it’s not uncomfortable. “What are your plans after this?” he asks.

  I shrug. “Maybe college. I don’t know.” I got my GED behind bars, but college is expensive and we don’t have much money. “I work with my brothers at the tattoo shop.” I look up at the big house. A light just came on in an upstairs window. I wonder if it’s Reagan’s room. Phil smiles when he sees the direction of my gaze. “What’s going on with Reagan?” he asks.

  “Nothing.” Yet.

  “You like her?” He’s like a dog with a bone. Going to gnaw that bitch into submission.

  I shrug.

  “Be careful with her, okay?” he asks.

  “Why? What’s wrong with her?” Does everyone know what happened to her?

  “She’s wary of men.”

  “Then she’s in the perfect fucking place to stay away from them.” A camp full of men and boys. That’s smart.

  “She’s here for the kids.”

  “I’m here for the kids, too,” I remind him.

  He nods. “Just be careful.”

  I plan to.

  He stands up and stretches.

  “It feels odd, being out here,” I say quietly. For two years, I’ve been locked in a cell. “I don’t quite know what to do with myself.” I look around. “Particularly with all this wide-open space.”

  For two years, I had no choices. I ate when people told me to eat and showered when people told me to shower. This place is the opposite of confinement, and I’m feeling a little out of sorts about it.

  Phil sits back down. “Tell me what you’re feeling.”

  “You going to pretend to be Dr. Phil now?” I bite back a snort. Something about the seriousness of his face stops my next comment.

  “How are your relationships with your brothers?” he asks. I’d rather talk about the fucking feelings.

  “Fine,” I bite out.

  “You have four, right?”

  I nod. “Three older—Paul, Matt and Logan. And one my age—Sam. My twin. Except he’s in college right now on a scholarship to play football, and I’m here.”

  “Why don’t you sound bitter about that?” he asks.

  Sam was with me when I got caught unloading that truck. We both were there. We took some odd jobs from a man in our neighborhood. Yeah, it was illegal, and yeah, I got caught. But Sam was with me when it went down. I told him to run. I got caught. I went to jail. And Sam didn’t. Sam’s playing football and living the life I wanted. “I’m not bitter at all,” I grind out. It’s not Sam’s fault that I was also carrying a backpack full of drugs. I got busted for possession with the intent to sell. I’m going to be a felon for the rest of my life.

  Phil nods. The quiet is suddenly oppressive. Not at all like it was when Reagan was out here. “Matt’s the one who was sick?” he asks.

  I don’t like to talk about Matt. He almost died, and it took money to get him into a chemical trial. The trial saved his life, at least for now. He may need more treatment. That’s why I was working with Bone, the man who owned the goods I was unloading. He’s also the man who gave me the drugs to sell. He’s the reason I’m here. Well, I’m the reason I’m here. But still. “Yeah, Matt was sick.”

  “How’s he doing now?”

  Matt writes to me every week. He tells me all the stories about my brothers and Emily, and he says he’s all right. But I have no way of knowing if it was all sunshine and rainbows when I was gone. When I got home last night, things were fine. And Sam was away at college. “Better,” I say.

  “And the rest
of them?”

  “Fine.” I take a deep breath because he’s looking at me like he’s waiting for me to tell him my life story. “Logan’s getting married.” A grin tugs at my lips. “I fucking love his fiancée. She’s pretty damn cool. Her name is Emily, and she plays the guitar. She’s good for him.”

  “Their lives went on without you,” he says. He doesn’t look at me or change his expression.

  “Were they supposed to wait for me to get out before living their lives?” I ask, and I know my tone is caustic, but I can’t help it.

  “Were they?”

  I snort. “I love them too much to ask them to do anything like that.” I swallow past the lump in my throat.

  “How about Sam?” he asks, his voice soft.

  Just his name makes my gut twist. He’s the other half of me. We’ve been together since we were born. We shared a room right up until I got arrested. Losing him was like losing a part of myself. “I haven’t seen Sam since the sentencing hearing,” I say quietly.

  “He was there for it?”

  I nod. He was there for everything. But I refused to talk to him. I refused to answer his letters, until he finally stopped writing them. I refused to see him when he came to visit, until he stopped coming.

  “Why are you mad at him?” He makes a tsk, tsk, tsk sound with his mouth. “You are bitter about being the only one arrested.”

  I shake my head. “No, I’m not.”

  “Then what is it?”

  I’ve never said it out loud. “I’m fucking jealous, all right?” I snarl. He raises an eyebrow at me, but he doesn’t shrink away. I heave a sigh and force myself to unclench my fists. “He didn’t get caught.” I punch myself in the chest with my fist. “I fucking got caught. Stupid, stupid, stupid,” I mutter to myself.

  “Did he know you were dealing?” he asks.

  I shake my head. No one knew. I’d just picked up the bag that night. Hadn’t even made a sale yet. I’d just about convinced myself to return it to Bone and then we got busted.

  “Why’d you do it?”

  I take a deep, cleansing breath. “Matt’s treatment was expensive. I couldn’t think of any other way to help him.”

  He nods. It’s a slow up and down movement of his head. He doesn’t look at me or say anything.

  “You don’t know what it’s like to know your brother’s going to die and there’s nothing you can fucking do to help him.” I force myself to unclench my fists again.

  “No, I don’t,” he admits. “Did you do drugs, too? Or just deal them?”

  I snort. “Paul would lay into me like nothing you ever saw if I even thought about doing drugs.”

  “I think I like Paul,” he says. He finally looks at me and smiles. “It sounds like you have a pretty good support system for when you go home.” He rubs his hands together quickly. “Five more days!”

  I smile. “Five days,” I repeat.

  “Can I make a suggestion?” he says.

  “Like I could stop you,” I mutter.

  He grins. “True.” He pauses for a minute. “Don’t be afraid to make plans, Pete,” he says. “Make lots of plans. Because it’s only when you don’t have any plans that you’ll forget where you’re headed. Write them down. Make them real. Then go for them. Follow through.”

  I nod. “Okay.” I look down at the tracking bracelet that’s on my ankle. “While we’re here, am I free? Can I walk around and go places by myself?”

  He nods. “I’ll know where you are if I need to find you. But yes, you can consider yourself free.” He coughs into his closed fist. “Just be careful with Reagan,” he warns. He holds up a hand when I start to protest. “You’re twenty-one years old. And you’ve been in jail for two years. And I’m guessing you gave up your V card a long time ago.” He clears his throat. “Just remember that there’s more to it than the pleasure of the moment.”

  Now I want to fuck with him. “Do tell, Dr. Phil.”

  “Life’s not about the moments of pleasure you, yourself, can experience. It’s about the pleasurable moments you share with someone else that really matter.”

  Shit. That was pretty profound. “Yes, sir,” I say.

  “What happened to your dad, Pete?” he asks.

  “He left after our mom died.”

  “He missed out on something pretty fucking great with you, kid,” he says. “He could have stayed and experienced all those missed moments with you and your brothers, and his life would have been richer for it.”

  “My life was fine.” I doubt it would have been different if he’d stayed. Paul would have still taken care of us. He always has.

  “Moments of pleasure you can give to someone else,” he says, tapping his forehead. “Ask yourself before you do it who’s going to benefit.”

  “Yes, sir.”

  He points toward the big house. “Speaking of moments,” he says, grinning. “At this moment, someone is sneaking out to the barn.” He squeezes my knee as he gets up. “You’re welcome,” he says with a laugh as he walks away.

  I look toward the barn and see a female form walking quickly toward the big building in the distance. I look around. The camp is quiet, and everyone is in bed. I watch her as she slides through an open door and closes it behind her.

  I wonder if she could use some company.

  Reagan

  I try not to look toward the fire as I sneak out to the barn. I know Pete’s still sitting there, and he’s not alone. There are two males in profile, and I don’t know who the second one is. I pat my leg so that my Maggie will follow me. She’s old and can’t see as well as she once did, but I feel safe in the dark with her. She wouldn’t let anyone hurt me, and I love that about her. I don’t have to worry about anyone walking up behind me and me not knowing.

  I step into the barn and close the door behind us. Maggie circles around me, her black-and-white coat in strict contrast with the muted colors of the barn. I jump toward her, and she dances back playfully. Even as old as she is, she can still run circles around me.

  I step up to the stall door and lean over the cord that’s blocking the opening. I have a horse that’s due to foal any day now. Her name’s Tequila, and she’s my favorite of all my horses.

  She’s not lying down or sweating yet, so I’m guessing it’s not going to be tonight that she foals. I duck under the rope that blocks her stall door and rub her gently behind her ears. She pushes her face into my hand, and I laugh.

  Suddenly, Maggie stills beside me and the hair at the back of her neck stands straight up. A low growl erupts from her throat, and I stop petting Tequila and step closer to the horse. My heart begins to thud in my chest.

  “Hello,” a voice calls. Maggie hunkers down, and her growl grows even more vicious. God, I love this dog. The shadow comes closer, and Maggie barks in warning. “Oh shit,” someone says, and the shadow moves back.

  “Who’s there?” I ask.

  “It’s Pete,” the voice says.

  My shoulders sink, and I force myself to take a deep breath. I don’t let go of Tequila’s halter, and I don’t come out from behind her. “You shouldn’t be in here,” I call.

  “Well, I’ll be happy to leave if you’ll call off your beast,” he says. Maggie crouches and slinks forward, and the sounds that come from her throat are scaring even me. “Please,” he says. His voice quivers.

  “Mags,” I snap. She turns and looks at me. I pat my leg, and she rushes to me. I pet her soft fur. “Good girl,” I croon. Maggie takes her cues from me, and she’s now wary but she doesn’t want to kill anybody.

  “Remind me not to ever walk up on you in the dark again,” Pete says. He wipes his hand across his forehead.

  I laugh. “I doubt you’ll need a reminder.” I jerk a thumb toward the bathroom at the end of the barn. “Do you need to go and change your pants?” A grin tugs at my lips. I try to bite it back, but it’s nearly impossible.

  Pete looks down at his shorts. “I think I’m good for now.” He bends his knees and squats down c
lose to the floor. He holds out a hand for Maggie to come and sniff. “Now, if she takes off a digit, I’ll be singing a different tune.” He laughs.

  Maggie slinks slowly toward him. She’s still wary, but she’s calm. I’m not sure I like the idea of my dog getting friendly with a stranger. “Mags,” I call, and she rushes back to me. “Don’t try to schmooze my dog into liking you,” I warn.

  He raises his brow.

  “She’s trained to protect me,” I rush to explain. She goes back and forth to my apartment in the city with me, even though I’m sure she likes it more here on the farm. But I need her. In more ways than one.

  He nods, leaning against the open stall door. He jams his hands in his pockets. “I saw you and thought you might want some company.”

  “I already have company,” I say. I probably sound like a shrew, but we got a little too close by the fire and I’m feeling the effects of it now.

  “What’s his name?” he asks, nodding toward my horse.

  I smile a completely unbidden smile. “Her name’s Tequila,” I say, scratching my horse affectionately.

  Pete steps closer, and Tequila swishes her tail in his face. He brushes it away, spitting as he wipes his mouth. I laugh.

  “You haven’t been around horses much, have you?” I ask.

  “Can’t say I’ve ever been in a room with one before,” he says, picking at his tongue with his thumb and index finger. He spits again and finally looks satisfied after wiping his mouth with his forearm.

  “I got another of your firsts,” I say. I immediately realize my mistake and try to take it back. “I mean—”

  But he holds up a hand and grins. “Hey, if I had all my firsts to give you, I would.” His eyes meet mine, and a spark jumps between us.

  I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I’d have liked to have had the choice of who to give mine to. But I didn’t. And that’s over, I remind myself.

  “You okay?” he asks, his brow furrowing.

  I nod. “Fine.”

  I step out from behind Tequila. I still have Maggie between us, and Maggie would never let anything hurt me. Tequila’s low on water, so I grab the hose and fill her up. Pete jumps when I accidentally spray his shoes.