She Ain’t the One

by Mary B. Morrison

“They’re okay. I mean they won us three Super Bowls, but there’s nothing like the original Cowboys that Tom Landry coached.”

  He started to grin, then turned to his daughter. “You know what, Ashlee? I think I see why you like him,” he said, laughing. “Jay, you’re my kind of man.”

  “Ah, thank you, sir.”

  Whew! I was relieved at his response. Ashlee seemed to be taking deep breaths also. She began to laugh and talk right along with us. We sat and enjoyed more small talk over breakfast, and I actually ended up going to the buffet twice before we prepared to leave. I shook her father’s hand, and then she gave him a tight hug. She turned and smiled at me.

  “Let’s go, handsome,” she said. She led the way as I followed her to the door. I reached in front of Ashlee to hold the door open, then stepped through, not realizing her father was on my heels until he grabbed my wrist and squeezed it.

  Aw, shit! Here it comes. I knew this morning was too good to be true. Ashlee apparently didn’t notice I wasn’t behind her, because she kept walking.

  “Sir, is there a problem?” I asked, looking down at his hand on my wrist.

  I looked in his eyes as I awaited his response. “Take care of my little girl. You hear me? I’m putting my trust in you. I love her. And just because you’re a Cowboy fan doesn’t mean shit.” His tone didn’t sound angry, just that he was stating fact.

  “Yes, sir, Mr. Anderson. I understand a hundred percent. You don’t have to worry. I love her too.”

  He let go of my wrist, and I caught up to Ashlee just as she made it to the car.

  “What do you wanna do now?” she asked, getting into the car.

  We waved as her father’s car passed us. I held the door, staring at her. “You know you owe me for making me sweat like that, right?”

  “What? I had no idea you’d be so nervous.” She laughed.

  “Mm-hmm, yeah…whatever. Just remember you owe me.”

  “Well, why don’t we just go back to my place so I can make it up to you? I’m sure you got a little more sweating in you to do, so why not spend it on me?”

  I nodded and smiled. “Now, I like the sound of that,” I said, closing her car door.

  CHAPTER 12

  Ashlee

  Making love to Jay again felt so wonderful I had a reason to sing soprano again.

  “You light up my life, you give me strength, to carry on, you light up my day, hum, hum, hum, hum.” Removing the satin sheets from the bed, I continued singing, dancing, with the sheets until I became entangled, falling onto the mattress pad.

  “Mrs. Ashlee Crawford,” I said aloud repeatedly, absorbing the joy and happiness of being in love.

  Happiness was an emotion I doubted would embrace me for a long time. But I was I wrong. Thanks to Jay, oh, how wrong I was.

  Leaving my bed naked like my heart, I inhaled Jay’s manly scent one last time before twirling the flat and fitted sheets into the washer.

  The few errands I needed to run to the drugstore to pick up my prescription, to the salon for an overdue shampoo, blow-dry, and curl, to the bank to—phew, I’d better get going. Grabbing my purse, sliding the strap up my arm onto my shoulder, then easing behind the steering wheel, I tooted my horn at my nosy neighbors, as I rolled down my window and yelled, “Have a great day, ladies.”

  Parking next to the salon, I hadn’t noticed the bridal shop. I was a believer in karma, and this was definitely a good sign so I entered. The spacious room shined with white gowns. I know it sounds corny but I felt like Alice in Wonderland.

  A tall, slender woman greeted me, “May I help you?”

  “Oh, yes. I’m just looking right now, thank you.”

  “So are you shopping for a friend or perhaps your sister? So who’s the lucky guy?” she asked, following me.

  What the hell did she mean a friend or perhaps my sister? This wench just pissed me off. I stopped dead in my tracks and whipped my head in her direction.

  “I’m shopping for myself, if that’s any of your business.” Attitude was dripping from my voice.

  She took a step back. “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to offend you. It’s just that you’re not wearing your engagement ring. It’s bad luck not to wear your engagement ring.” We both glanced at my left hand.

  “Um, I, I, um, forgot it at home,” I lied. “I was doing the dishes right before I left the house.”

  The woman smiled, probably afraid she’d lost her commission. “One day won’t hurt. So when’s the wedding?

  I thought about Darius and Fancy’s wedding the first week in June. So I blurted out, “The first week in June.”

  “June, that’s right around the corner. We need to take some measurements and get you fitted.” She pointed to the fitting area and I began to walk over there. After taking my measurements, she hung three gowns for my viewing. I gasped at the third one. Strapless, with lots of beads, and lace, and the longest train I’ve ever seen.

  “I’ll try on that one,” I said, admiring the Mermaid style.

  “Take your time, honey. Your wedding is an occasion to last a lifetime. Try on these two first, then try the hand-stitched, genuine imported pearls, imported lace, and imported embroidery gown. This is a Vera Wang original, darling.”

  It was everything I’d ever dreamt of in a wedding dress. It was perfect. “I’ll take the Vera Wang.”

  “I really don’t want to sell you something you’re unsure about, because once you buy the gown of your dreams, it’s yours, honey. No return. No exchange. No refund,” she exclaimed, pointing to the store’s policy posted behind the register.

  “Let me try it on,” I insisted.

  “Certainly, right this way. Uh,” she said, blocking my hand. “I’ll bring the gown to you.”

  Entering the huge changing room, I quickly removed my clothes, leaving on my white panties and bra.

  Assisting me with the dress, she must have fastened fifty buttons. “Your hair could use some help, honey.”

  “Follow me. Step carefully,” she said, motioning.

  My cell phone rang so I rushed to check my caller ID, then answered, “Hi, baby.”

  “Hey, I had to hear your voice. My plane just landed so I’ma call you back to hear that sweet sexy voice.”

  “Jay.”

  “Yes.”

  “How much do you love me?”

  Dropping the train, Lila squinted.

  “A lot. A whole lot. Believe that.”

  “I love you too. Bye, baby,” I said, kissing the receiver before hanging up. My chin dropped to my breasts when I saw myself. I’ve never looked more beautiful. Adrenaline pumped through my veins. “It’s perfect. Everything is too good to be true.”

  “Are you sure you don’t want to try on the others?”

  I started shaking my head. “No way. I have the best man. He’s my joy. Besides, wedding gowns are like men. When you find the right fit, stick with it.”

  “I’ll try to remember that.”

  Removing my gown, I waited for Lila to place it in the perfect wrapping.

  “That’ll be twenty-one thousand dollars.”

  My eyes widened as I swallowed hard, damn near choking. Inhaling, then exhaling, I hesitantly handed her my American Express card. I didn’t have a ring or a proposal. What I did have was the man of my dreams and I was never letting him get away.

  “Honey, go get your hair all pretty,” she said, leaving my credit card in my hand. “Emotional spending shouldn’t change your emotions from good to bad. You want to say holy matrimony, not Holy! Matrimony! If you know what I mean. If you still want the gown afterward, it’s yours.”

  Lila gave me a lot to think about while sitting in the stylist’s chair. I’d never wanted anything so badly. After my appointment I bought the gown. Now all I had to do was get Jay to propose and put the past to rest, namely my ex, Darius.

  Picking up the phone, I dialed Darius’s home number, not caring if Fancy picked up.

  Darius answered, “Well, if it isn’t my
son’s sometime mom.”

  “Darius, I have some great news! I’m getting married. I met a great man and he loves me!” The excitement resonated in my voice. I could hardly breathe.

  Darius said, “That’s because he doesn’t know how crazy your ass is.”

  I wanted Darius’s approval, not his judgment. “I thought you’d be happy for me.”

  “You a straight trip, Ashlee. My fiancée is all stressed out raising your son. And—”

  Interrupting I said, “Our son.”

  “I know he’s mine! You know that too! But I’m on the road all the time, and while you’re running around all stupid in love and shit, your son is driving my girl fuckin’ nuts with all his crying! And I’m sure it’s because he knows she ain’t you!”

  “But you were the one who filed for custody!” I started crying. “You got what you wanted! Now you see how hard it was for me trying to raise our son by myself. You thought being a parent was easy! Now you know! It ain’t easy, Darius! I felt so abandoned by you that I almost killed myself. You wanted him! You got him! You keep him! And I don’t give a damn. In fact, I hope Fancy loses her mind like I lost mine. Maybe then you’ll see I wasn’t so crazy after all!”

  “Bitch, don’t call me with that shit!”

  “Bitch?”

  “Yeah, bitch!”

  I started laughing in Darius’s ear.

  “What’s so funny? I bet you’ll shut the hell up when I drop your son off on your doorstep.”

  Instantly I became silent, praying that Darius wasn’t serious. The past few months I didn’t have to wake up in the middle of the night. I didn’t have to drag my baby on my hip everywhere I went because neither of my parents would babysit. Waking up every morning either with Jay or missing Jay or making love to Jay was how I imagined Darius and Fancy lived before they won custody of little Darius. “Look, I just called to share my happiness with you. I’m practically off medication, and I’m getting married.

  “Well, you need to keep taking your meds because obviously you can’t remeber that you already told me about your little fiancé and…obviously you’ve forgotten that you, Ashlee Anderson, have a child! Don’t call my damn house unless you’re calling to come and get your son!”

  Hanging up the phone, I admitted, Darius was right. With or without my child, I was a horrible mother. Truth was, our son was better off without me in his life.

  CHAPTER 13

  Jay

  My return flight to D.C. was three hours and fifteen minutes, but it went by faster than I expected. There was constant, heavy turbulence, but it didn’t even faze me as I relished pleasant thoughts of Ashlee and the way she made love to me over the weekend. I’d had my share of great lovers over the years, but if I had to rank Ashlee, I’d put her on the top of the list, right behind Tracy. Goddammit, why was I always comparing Ashlee to Tracy? Tracy was my past. Ashlee was my future.

  As I stood in front of the baggage carousel daydreaming about Ashlee and the great weekend we’d had, I caught a glimpse of a woman walking past me who literally made me drop my bag and do a double take. She was holding the hand of a little boy and moving pretty fast, even with the boy in tow. I couldn’t make out her face, but there was something about the way she walked, something about her sexy, bowlegged walk that gave me déjà vu. It reminded me of the reason I’d moved to D.C. in the first place. It reminded me of…

  “Tracy!”

  I hollered her name again, unable to control myself. My heart started beating like a jackhammer in my chest. I tried my best to will the woman to stop and turn toward me before she headed out the door. She didn’t, and my heart sank low. I picked up my bag and was about to turn back to the carousel when the little boy tripped and fell. Lucky for him, his tiny backpack broke his fall, and the woman kneeled down to help him. That’s when déjà vu became “oh my God!” and I honestly felt like my life was flashing before me. Without saying a word, I dropped my bag and began to haul ass toward the woman and the boy.

  “Tracy,” I called to her again when I was ten feet away.

  She was talking to the boy and wiping the tears on his face as I approached. She looked up at me, and her face turned as pale as if she’d just seen a ghost. “Jay,” she spat. “Jay, is that you?”

  I nodded and she stood up. We stared at each other for what seemed like an eternity. I guess we were both reminiscing on what was probably the best six months of our lives…that is, until the boy called her Mommy. That’s when I finally got the courage to speak.

  “You let your hair grow out.” I felt like slapping myself. I hadn’t seen this woman in almost three years, she looked absolutely stunning, and the only thing I could come up with was that her hair grew out.

  She touched her head self-consciously. “Yeah, I did it about a year ago.”

  “It looks good. I like it.” I’m not going to lie. I wanted to kiss her. I’d wanted to kiss her for almost three years. Tracy was the reason I moved to D.C. in the first place, so that we could rekindle the flame of our past relationship. The only problem was that I’d been in D.C. almost three months and had no idea how or where to find her. I’d just about given up hope once I’d met Ashlee. For the first time since Tracy had walked by, Ashlee popped into my mind, but I quickly dismissed her as my body and mind were completely taken over by the woman who was once my sunshine.

  “Thanks. So, what brings you to D.C.?” she asked, looking everywhere but in my eyes.

  I wanted to say “You,” but I didn’t want to scare her off or give her the satisfaction. “I live here now.”

  “You do?” Surprise was all over her golden brown face as she looked over her shoulder. “What about your wife and kids?”

  “I’m officially divorced and single.” I glanced at the boy standing at her side, hugging her leg. “Tracy?”

  She looked over her shoulder again.

  “Yeah,” she replied as if she knew what I was about to ask.

  “Is this my son?”

  She didn’t respond, and again silence was shared between us. She looked down at the boy, then rubbed his head. Her silence was my answer.

  I kneeled beside the boy. As I looked into his eyes, I could see a resemblance to me greater than that of my children with my ex-wife. He had my chocolate skin tone and my curly black hair, which had been trimmed, leaving him with low, faded waves. My heart skipped a beat as I looked into the eyes of a young life I helped create. I reached for his hand, but he wouldn’t loosen his grip from Tracy’s leg. I was disappointed, but I also knew that my absence in his life was the reason he didn’t feel comfortable with me touching him.

  I stood so I could talk to Tracy. It was time to get an understanding of why she’d been avoiding me.

  “He’s so handsome.” I was choked up. “Why? Why did you keep him from me?”

  “Jay…I…I wanted to,” she said, seeming nervous. She looked into my eyes for the first time since she’d stood up from the floor. “I had to learn to follow my head instead of my heart.”

  “And what is that supposed to mean?”

  “Jay, you know how much I loved you. I went against my parents’ wishes to be with you. But once I thought about our situation, the fact that you were still married and everything, I realized I had to let you go.”

  “That might explain you, but what about Jason? I’m his father, Tracy, and you kept him from me too.”

  Her eyes started to well up with tears. “I know, and I’m sorry about that. I was just trying to do what I thought was right.”

  “What? Tracy, all I tried to do was love you. What are you saying?”

  “I know you loved me, Jay, but you also loved the wife and kids you went home to. Occasionally having you with me wasn’t enough.”

  “C’mon now, Tracy. You know if my children weren’t there I would’ve left long before I met you. We’ve discussed that already. When you came into my life, I had finally found a sense of happiness. My heart was with you. I laid my head on my pillow nightly, wishing the
woman lying next to me was you.”

  I reached to touch Tracy’s shoulder, but she took a step back. She grabbed her son’s backpack and tucked it under her arm before picking him up. She looked at me with tears in her eyes, sighed, then looked around. “Jay, I’m sorry. I know it was wrong to keep Jason from you, but I had to do what I had to do in order to move on with my life.”

  I reached for her hand, then waited for her to snatch it away. She didn’t. Instead, she cupped her hand into mine. “Jay, I have someone. And we have so much in common with our music. We both just came back from auditioning on Pop Star and we both moved on. One more tryout and I’m actually going to be on TV.”

  I felt more disappointment in my heart. A huge lump formed in my throat, making it hard for me to speak. I don’t know why it never crossed my mind that she could be in a relationship, considering all the time that had passed. It hurt to think of another man loving her and touching her the way I used to. I let her hand go and rubbed my head to collect my thoughts. It took me a couple of minutes before I could say anything.

  “Oh…well…um…that’s cool. I’m, ah…happy for…you. ’Cause, see…um, see…I got me somebody too,” I responded, a bit tongue-tied. “Yeah, me and Kenya finally got that divorce I kept telling you I was gonna get, and now I have a great woman to call my own. And I love her too.”

  Tracy nodded. “That’s nice, Jay. I’m glad to hear that.”

  “Yeah…um, her name is Ashlee,” I said, still fishing for something to say to mask my pain. “I just got back from seeing her in Dallas.”

  Tracy opened her mouth to say something, but before she could respond, a male voice rang out from more than fifty feet away. “Tracy,” the man said, beckoning her.

  She looked over her shoulder and gasped. “I’ll be right there. Jason fell,” she said. She turned back to me. “Jay, I have to go.”

  “Is he your husband?” I asked, nodding toward the well-dressed man.

  “No, but he’s very special in our lives,” she said, looking at our son.