My Teenage Dream Ended

by Farrah Abraham

  My head was spinning. If Derek and I got back together, I wanted to start off on the right foot, but the way he had given me this ring, so rushed and unromantic and with us broken up, we were already very much on the wrong foot. It made me sad to think about giving back this perfect ring, but I really thought, If I give this ring back now, he can give it back to me when were are happy, when there’s no drama, and hopefully when we are out of high school.

  By the end of lunch, I had decided to give Derek back the ring and I wrote him a letter explaining why. I had also come up with a plan to get us back on track. I thought, First, over Christmas break, I’ll work on him so he knows how to treat me properly. Second, I’ll spark a new and energized romance between us.

  Lunch ended and it was time to face Derek. I was sure that I would see him at my locker, so I grabbed my books and waited for him to come by. Finally, just as the bell was going to ring, I saw him walking towards my locker. When he got there, I grabbed my letter and the ring and quickly reached for his hand and shoved them in it before he even realized what was happening.

  I said, “Here, take it and read my letter,” and walked away.

  I dreaded giving that letter to Derek because I knew it was going to hurt him. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I had written:

  Derek,

  There is something in my heart that loves you so much. I have always loved you. It’s just that I tried to think of honest good times with you, but instead all the bad times overtake the good. I will always be there for you as a friend. I can’t date you anymore, at least not right now. I don’t know how long this feeling will last. The ring you picked, I like it so much. It’s perfect. But I can’t keep it because it means nothing if we’re not together. So I want to say thank you, but I can’t accept it.

  - Farrah

  After I stuffed the note in his hand, I didn’t look back. I took off, like I was in a relay race and had just been passed a baton. I kept going even as I was regretting every step away from Derek I took. I just kept repeating to myself, We’re broken up. I’m too young for this. He flirted with ugly girls.

  As bad as it felt, I knew that giving him the ring back was the right thing to do. It was more than the lies. I was beginning to feel that Derek was mostly reacting to how unhappy he was. I had tried to help him. Tried to get him to see that he needed to get away from all the things in his life that seemed toxic to me, but he had made it clear that he wasn’t going to do that. In a way I felt that Derek was letting me down and that made me sad. I couldn’t go on taking all the abuse when he should have been directing his anger elsewhere.

  After I gave him my letter, Derek wrote me back, saying that the ring was supposed to be my Christmas promise ring. What he wrote still haunts me. He pleaded for one more chance. He begged me to stay in his life. He thanked me for helping him get off drugs and promised not to let me down.

  That night, we talked on the phone. As much as it broke my heart, I knew I needed to be strong and stand my ground. I said, “I think we really need this break. I’ll call you over break if I want to hang out.”

  After my last class on the last day of school before Christmas break, I went to my locker to put my books away. I was happy I didn’t have to look at those books for two whole weeks. I had been thinking about Derek all day and when I looked down at the bottom of my locker I saw that he had left another note for me. It said, “please call me” in all caps. He wrote that he really wanted to work this out, and signed the note “Cheese Nuts.”

  “Cheese Nuts” was a silly nickname I had made up for Derek and I loved when he said it back to me. I fell in love all over again and wanted to let my guard down. I loved Derek so much, but I didn’t want to let him off easy. I needed him to work hard to get on my good side again.

  Winter break started with a few texts from Derek here and there and a call to say “hi.” He seemed bored. I could tell Derek was waiting for me to invite him to meet up with me and, secretly, I was missing him, too.

  Christmas went by and we didn’t talk. No “Merry Christmas.” Nothing. I was determined to have a fun break, so I started hanging out a lot with my girlfriends. We went to parties and hung out with boys who liked us. I was back to being single again, but Derek was never far from my mind.

  After a while, my girls and I got bored with those boys and I called Derek to invite him to go to a party with me and a friend. Since he said he’d gotten into trouble and had his car taken away again, we ended up picking him up. That night was an eye-opener for me. I began to really see for the first time that Derek was going down a path that I wanted no part of.

  The party was at an older, college friend’s house and at first Derek stayed by me on a couch in the corner, but then I got up to go to the bathroom and when I came back he was gone. I asked my friend if she had seen where he went, but she had no idea.

  I started walking back towards the bathroom, when I saw a shadow in the hallway out of the corner of my eye. I looked closer and saw two bodies standing close together, and then I could make out that it was Derek with a girl.

  I thought I saw her put something into his hand.

  I wasn’t sure what had just happened. I just knew that I wanted to get as far away from Derek as possible. I didn’t know if they were trying to hook up or if she was slipping him pills. I didn’t want to know. I just walked in the other direction and didn’t stop until I found my friend. I said to her, “Let’s go. We’re leaving Derek. I just caught him with this girl back there and he’s hiding something.”

  My friend was down with leaving and we were almost at the car when Derek walked out of the house and called out, “Wait! I’m coming with you.”

  I said, “No, you’re not. You can just go be with your friend and keep hiding shit from me.”

  He yelled, “Nothing’s going on!”

  I just laughed, shut my door and waved. As we drove off, Derek shouted, “You’re going to make me walk home in the snow?”

  Later, I got a voicemail from him saying how fucked up I was for

  making him walk home in the snow. Maybe I was a bitch for leaving him, but he was a jerk and a liar for sneaking around and doing whatever he was doing behind my back. Clearly, my plan to teach him how to treat me properly and to rekindle our spark had completely backfired.

  After a couple of days, I called him back. He was still mad at me, but he confessed that his sister had picked him up and driven him home. I knew he never would have had to walk home in the snow.

  REBOUND GUY

  At this point, things between Derek and I were so bad that I felt like we really were never going to get back together. I couldn’t talk to any of my friends about him because they knew how much he had hurt me and they wanted me to move on and date other guys.

  So I went to a basketball game at another high school with a girlfriend who was dating a guy from that school. She wanted to introduce me to one of his friends. She said, “He’s the most popular guy at this school. He’s the best at basketball and he just broke up with his girlfriend.” This was her way of trying to sell this guy to me.

  I responded, “Well from watching him play basketball, he doesn’t seem that great. I‘ve never talked to anyone black before.” This was true. My town is mostly white and I had led a pretty sheltered life.

  She said, “He’s not gangster. He’s really nice,” and with a wink she added, “and you know what they say about black guys!”

  After the game, we waited in her car for the guys to come out. First my friend’s boyfriend came over and then they called over the guy they wanted me to meet. He walked to my side of the car and introduced himself. He was tall, confident and cute. The only thing about him that fell short of my expectations was his car—it was kind of a beater. But then again I didn’t even have a car, so who was I to judge?

  He told my friend to give me his number and we started texting. Before I knew it, we were settling into a relaxed couple vibe. At first I allowed myself to be swept up in the ease of bei
ng in a relationship, but I couldn’t get Derek off my mind. That’s when I really learned the meaning of the word “rebound.” Thank you, Rebound Guy!

  So, Rebound Guy invited me over to his house and snuck me into his room. It was like I hadn’t learned anything from getting caught sneaking around with Derek. I should have known sneaking into a boy’s bedroom after curfew would lead to sex, but I thought if I had my guard up, it would be like a sleepover and nothing would happen. I just wanted to hang out with this new guy and show my friends that I was trying to get over Derek.

  We were in his room downstairs, about to go to sleep, snuggling and talking. Truthfully, it was really awkward. I wasn’t used to hanging out one-on-one with guys other than Derek. We really didn’t have that much in common and it sort of felt like my friends had asked this guy to be my pick-me-up because I had been feeling so down about Derek.

  I was trying to fall asleep and then all of a sudden we were making out and taking it all the way. It was good, but I felt like I had completely gone against my morals by having sex with someone I knew I was never going to be in love with. I was shocked by my behavior. I had never imagined having an experience like this with any guy other than Derek.

  I didn’t want anyone outside of my circle of friends to know that I had hooked up with Rebound Guy or to find out that we had slept together. Maybe I would tell Derek…eventually. There was a part of me, though, that was glad I had experienced sex with another guy. In a way, it made me feel like I could relate more to Derek, since he’d had sex with six other girls. I tried to be positive about it and see what would come out of this new experience.

  Around this time, one of my friends had a pregnancy scare and a bunch of us decided to go to Planned Parenthood after school one day to get birth control. When I told Rebound Guy I had gone on the pill, I was surprised that he didn’t seem more supportive. We had used a condom the time that we had sex and I planned to keep using them, to protect myself from STDs, but I felt like it would be a plus if I was on the pill. The only reaction I got from him was, “That’s good for you.”

  I could tell he was trying to distance himself. I said I would talk to him later and told my girls about his less than enthusiastic reaction. I confided that I wasn’t happy about having sex with someone I knew I didn’t love and that I was still confused about where Derek and I stood.

  Meanwhile, I honestly tried to get to know Rebound Guy. It took me weeks to sort things out in my head. I would go to his house after practice; we would talk, watch movies, go to parties and hang out with mutual friends. We were good together. We were popular; we had fun and other people were jealous of us being together. But we could sense that we each had unfinished business with our exes. We were both attached to what we had, and our exes were starting to act out behind our backs out of jealousy.

  I was never blown away by Rebound Guy, but at least at first there was no drama. That didn’t last long, though. Our relationship hit the breaking point after about a month. We went to a party together and the next day at school gossip about us caught up to Derek’s sister. She came up to me in the hall and asked if I was dating a black guy. It felt like some kind of accusation. I said, “Yeah,” and kept walking past her. I knew damn well she was going to run back to Derek and tattle.

  I guess she must have told Derek right away, because by lunch he was on the phone yelling at me. (Since our class schedules didn’t allow us to see each other anymore, we had to call each other to talk during school.) I let him yell for a while and then told him I would call him back.

  I knew I had to break things off with Rebound Guy. That day I told him that Derek was mad we were talking. He said he understood because supposedly his ex-girlfriend was jealous, too. He confided that she tried to talk to him every day at school and that she was doing everything she could to get him back. I was worried that she was going to talk trash about me or inch her way towards Derek, and that thought was intolerable. We agreed to quit hanging out together.

  Once I had settled things with Rebound Guy, it was time to figure out where I stood with Derek. I didn’t call him back when I said I would. Instead, I texted him and told him I needed to tell him something and I would call him later that day. After my last class, I went into the bathroom to call him. I desperately wanted to get back together with Derek and have everything work out and be fine. I wanted to forget all our issues and act like we had never broken up. I wanted to be done playing games. I wanted Derek to be real with me about his feelings and I wanted to share my honest feelings, too. I knew it was going to be hard, but I took a deep breath and called.

  Derek was at home and it sounded like he was in his room.

  I said, “Derek I’m going to tell you something and I don’t want you to get mad. I’m going to be honest with you, okay?”

  He agreed, “Okay, tell me.”

  “I did have sex with that guy. I don’t know why I did it, but you should understand. You’ve had sex with more than one person. I’ve only had sex with you and that was hard to deal with.”

  Derek started yelling, “I loved you and you went and had sex with a nigger. I fucking hate black people.”

  I let him vent and get all of his anger out. He was devastated and crying. Derek wasn’t a racist. He had black friends and I had never heard him say anything racist before. I think he was just so angry at the thought that I had slept with another guy that he was lashing out and trying to say the most awful, hurtful thing he could think of. This sounds crazy, but it showed me how much he really cared about me.

  It got quiet on the other end of the phone, and finally I spoke. I said, “I love you Derek. I needed to figure some things out. I’m telling you the truth because I care about you. I’ll call you later and we can talk more.”

  I felt bad, but at least now Derek and I were being open about our feelings. We talked a little bit on the phone every day for the next week and it seemed like we were getting closer.

  Unfortunately, we still had a rocky road ahead of us.

  NO MR. NICE GUY

  March came and the weather started warming up again. It felt good. I was busy with soccer practice and there was a lot going on that time of year—grades, parties, getting ready for end-of-year stuff. Derek and I were still talking on the phone, but we weren’t really seeing each other. I wasn’t quite ready to get back together with him and I had no idea what he was really up to.

  One afternoon at practice, I was in line to practice shooting goals when I overheard some girls talking. I could tell they purposely wanted me to overhear, so I acted like I was ignoring them and didn’t give them the glory of bothering me. They were talking about how their friend had had sex with a boy at some party and they kept going on and on about it.

  Then they asked me, “Didn’t you date a Derek Underwood?”

  I ignored them and focused on my ball.

  Again they asked, “Hey, didn’t you date a Derek Underwood?”

  I turned around and said, “Yeah, a while ago. Who cares?”

  I moved forward, kicked my ball and switched lines.

  When I got out of practice, I called Derek. He picked up his phone and when he realized it was me he got all weird. He said he was in the shower and I thought, Why would you pick your phone up in the shower?

  I was aggravated, but I heard the water running, so I just came out with it, “Did you hook up with with some girl at a party this past weekend?”

  Derek replied, “Yeah.”

  I said, “And you think that’s okay?”

  Derek said “Yeah. I have to go get ready. Bye.”

  I was disgusted and hurt. I thought, Yeah, he has to shower to wash her off! I couldn’t believe that after everything Derek and I had talked about he would do this to me. Again! Now, every time I went to practice I would hear about Derek and this girl that was trying to be his girlfriend and the issues they were already having. It made me not want to go to practice anymore.

  I knew I needed to quit breaking my dating rules and just mo
ve on. I was disappointed in myself, but I shook it off and decided this was my chance to get back on track. So I switched practice times and started dating a boy who had soccer practice with me. We had met at one of my part-time jobs the previous winter, so I had known him for a few months.

  I figured he was the type of guy I should go for; he was nice, caring, and played sports. He really liked me. I met his parents and they liked me, which was a really nice change. We would go to parties and I would stay over at his place. He was so nice and cute and perfect, but I could not bring myself to kiss him or be anything more than friends. For a month and a half I seriously tried to make it work, but eventually I realized I was just using him to take my mind off of Derek.

  I decided to be honest with him about how I felt, but he didn’t take it very well. He couldn’t let it go. He created tension and drama between my best friends and me, which made me feel that he wasn’t such a nice guy after all.

  I was so sick of the drama and I couldn’t deal with stupid gossip anymore. I felt like I had something more important on my mind anyway, like, How am I going to get Derek to come talk to me again and quit being a loser?

  Meanwhile, on top of fighting with my own girlfriends, I had to watch Derek and his new girlfriend holding hands walking down the hall. Derek would practically rub it in my face. I was going through mad hay fever and for days I looked like I had been crying my eyes out over him and his new sweetheart. My life was sucking wind.

  I stopped talking to everyone who brought drama into my life. I only talked to my guy friends who had my back. They would come by my soccer practice and tell me what Derek had been up to. They told me he had started smoking. I was shocked because Derek had told me he would never smoke and didn’t like it when other people did. I kept hearing negative rumors about Derek. I didn’t want to believe any of it, but then one day my friend and I went to the Walgreens across the street from my school. I saw Derek walk in and I was going to go talk to him, but then I saw him walk out and the alarm went off.