My Teenage Dream Ended

by Farrah Abraham

  We listened to all the speeches and at the end of the ceremony I finally spotted Derek as he and his class threw up their caps to celebrate. I was so thrilled I jumped up and ran through all the people to reach him, but then I lost him again in the crowd.

  I finally found him outside of the entrance doors, looking for me. He’d been digging through the crowds to find me, too. After we hugged, we went to find his dad. This was the first time I was going to meet his father and I was really looking forward to it. I’d heard so much about him and I already felt like we were going to get along.

  I was also curious about his father because I figured he would be a living example of what Derek might look like when he was older. I was nervous and wanted him to like me. I felt like Derek’s mom and I never hit it off, so this was my opportunity to make a good impression on someone in his family.

  Derek and I held hands as we skimmed through the crowds of celebrating graduates and their families to find his dad. When we finally found him, they hugged and I introduced myself. His dad, Jerry, certainly wasn’t the spitting image of Derek, but I saw big similarities between them. He was tall like Derek, with the same eyes, and they had similar personalities. It was great to finally meet him.

  Jerry wanted to take us to lunch, so we went with some of Derek’s closest friends to a restaurant nearby. I sat by his dad because I really wanted to get to know him and show him how much I cared about Derek.

  While the guys were eating and talking, Jerry invited me to visit him in Missouri with Derek. The invitation made me feel so welcomed and I started to relax and feel confident that he liked me. I imagined how much fun Derek and I could have going down there together.

  At lunch, Derek was so relaxed and happy. I could tell it meant a lot to him that his dad had come to his graduation and had taken me and his friends out. I hadn’t see his mom (or his sisters) at the ceremony, but she was having a family gathering at her house for Derek later that afternoon.

  So after the lunch with Jerry, we went to his mom’s house. It was a very small gathering—only a couple of Derek’s friends came. After a while I sensed something was wrong. We were all outside in the yard and I realized that Derek had disappeared.

  I looked over at his mom, who was behaving like everything was fine. But I had a bad feeling, so I decided to go inside to look for Derek. I thought she might stop me from going inside, but she didn’t.

  I went downstairs to Derek’s room and found him lying on his bed in the dark, his face to the wall, crying.

  “Why are you crying? What’s going on?” I asked.

  “My mom promised to give me money for graduation and now she’s not going to,” he paused and then continued, “Because the police came to the house before we got here. I have to go to jail. My mom is having them come back tonight after the party.”

  “Why would the cops come for you, Derek?”

  He looked sheepish. “I did a gas-and-go.”

  “What?”

  I couldn’t believe it. Not only was what he had done wrong and

  illegal, it was stupid. He should have known that if you fill your car up with gas and drive off without paying, eventually the cops are going to catch up with you. A security camera at the gas station must have caught his license plate number and the police were able to track him down at his mom’s house. I was shocked and disappointed. I was also angry that I had to find out this way.

  When Derek heard his mom come inside, he went upstairs to talk to her. I followed him up and watched as he tried to confront her about the money she had promised him. With me by his side, he felt more confident about approaching her.

  His mom just ignored him. I completely disagreed with how she was handling things, but it wasn’t my place to say anything. I just stood there staring as she walked away.

  I was completely frustrated by the situation. On the one hand, I felt sad for Derek that his mom wasn’t giving him the money she had promised him. But on the other, I was angry with him for breaking the law. I told Derek that what he’d done was stupid, but I also felt like if he had been strong enough to make the right choices on his own, he wouldn’t have been in this situation in the first place.

  Derek and I decided he should take me home and then go back home and deal with what he had done. He dropped me off (which I made him do around the block so my parents wouldn’t see his car) and he was driving home, I called his cell. We talked until he got back to his mom’s. I tried to help him think of ways to keep from having to go to jail. I suggested he go to the gas station and offer to pay the money. Maybe they would drop the charges.

  I could tell Derek was listening, but he was very quiet the whole time. Then he said he was home and had to get off the phone because he had to go talk to his mom. I thought for sure I wouldn’t hear back from him for the rest of the day and it was scary to be in the dark about what was going to happen to him.

  I sat in my room, looking out the window and worrying about Derek. It was a beautiful sunny day and I could see my parents outside gardening. They still had no idea I had been seeing Derek again and this certainly wasn’t the moment to tell them about it. A little while later my phone rang and it was Derek. I was surprised he was calling back so soon, but he kept it short.

  “Hey babe. So my mom called the police to come get me from the house. They’re going to be here soon.”

  “I hope you can just tell them you’re going to pay them, and then you can get out of going to jail.” I didn’t know what else to say.

  “ I don’t know…”

  He was quiet again and I wondered what was going through his mind. I pictured him in his room. I could see it perfectly in my head; all the things written on his wall, my number, my friends’ numbers, our prom photo, and other snapshots and mementos he’d put up on his wall. Lately, it seemed more obsessive—he had more photos of us in his room, more numbers on his wall.

  It seemed like he was spending a lot of time in his room lately, and I didn’t know what he was up to—and now this gas-and-go. In some ways Derek felt like a stranger to me these days. This wasn’t the Derek I had fallen in love with.

  “Babe, the police are here. I have to go. I’ll call you when I get out.”

  I said, “Okay, I love you,” and we hung up.

  The next morning he called me as though nothing much had happened. He just said he’d had to pay a fine and changed the subject, asking me what I had done the night before. I knew he was still upset about everything, so I decided to let it drop. I was just happy he was out of trouble.

  LIAR, LIAR

  Though Derek and the rest of the seniors were graduated and gone, I was still stuck in school ‘til the end of May. I would usually ask Derek to come pick me up after classes let out. At first, he was good about being on time. I was starting to feel like, after his brush with jail, that maybe he was maturing and letting go of the bad habits he had fallen into during our break-up, but it wasn’t long before I realized I was mistaken.

  One afternoon, two weeks after graduation, I called Derek as soon as school got out, and when he answered he said, “I’m going to be late. I’ll call you in ten.” I hung up and waited for him. All my friends saw me waiting but I acted like everything was fine. I could tell by the looks on their faces what my guy friends were thinking: She’s letting Derek walk all over her again. It was like they felt sorry for me, but didn’t want to say anything to crush me more than I already was.

  I waited and waited. An hour went by. Everyone else was gone. Finally, I called him again.

  Me: “Derek where are you? You never called me back.”

  Him: “My mom came home and needed help. She’s getting a dishwasher.”

  Me: “Okay, so when can you come get me?”

  Him: “I don’t know.”

  Me: “Okay. But I’m waiting on you. You were supposed to come

  get me.”

  Him: “Can’t you call your dad?”

  Me: “No. I’m waiting for you. You already said you’d c
ome get me. Just hurry up, please.”

  Another five minutes went by, then ten. I kept checking my phone. No missed calls. Finally, fifteen minutes later, I saw his car. He showed up like he had nothing to explain to me. He was totally silent. I knew he had been lying to me about where he’d been, though. Derek always got quiet when he was lying to me. First of all, his mom was never home before school let out. She would have been at work. Second, the next time I came over, there was no dishwasher in the kitchen.

  After that I started keeping count of every time Derek lied to me. I don’t know why, because I never confronted him or did anything about it. But I realized Derek hadn’t changed after all. He had just started living a double life. He was one person with me and another when he was with his buddies. He kept things hidden from me so I wouldn’t call him on his bad habits and force him to change. But I saw signs of what he was really up to all the time.

  The next day he told me he had to meet up with a friend for something, he didn’t say what. I went along with him. We met him at a gas station and Derek gave him whatever they had met up for. Then his friend called through the window, asking Derek if he wanted to come smoke a bong. I looked at Derek, wide-eyed. He rolled his eyes at his friend and rolled up the window. He didn’t say anything, just held my hand.

  I hated feeling like when he was with me he acted like he would never smoke weed or do drugs, but then when I wasn’t around he would allow himself to be pressured into making bad choices. I could always tell when he had been smoking weed before coming to see me. There were so many tip-offs: he’d have glazed eyes that he’d doused with eye drops, or he’d be chewing gum to hide the smell of his breath, or he’d stink like his sister’s girly shower gel, or have sprayed on a shit ton of cologne to mask the smell. You can’t really hide something like that from someone who sees you daily, and who used to do all of that stuff with you.

  Derek could sense that I was mad at him and that I was getting suspicious, so he tried to make it up to me. A couple of weeks later, he told me he got a new job at a restaurant down by the boatyard. I knew exactly which place he was talking about. It was an upscale restaurant on the riverfront, and I was very happy for him because it seemed like a great job.

  He said he wanted me to work with him, so we could be together more. He got me an interview with the manager after school one day and pretty soon I was working there too. I was happy about the job, but what really made me feel good was that I hoped if Derek and I spent more time together he would change back into the Derek I had fallen in love with.

  LATE

  By the end of May school was out and summer vacation had finally begun. It was time for cheerleading camp, which was always the first week of June. I packed up my cheer camp clothes, plus extra socks, a bikini, and tampons. My period should have already come, but I figured it was running late.

  Derek and I hung out one last time the night before I left and we promised to call each other every evening while I was at camp.

  The bus ride to camp was tedious, but when we got to the University of Lincoln’s campus I felt like I had arrived at home. That was me, I couldn’t wait to go to college. Every year when we went to a college campus for cheer camp, it was the best—dorms, workout gyms, older college guys and pretty cheerleading coaches to look up to, eating camp food, sweating daily, getting sore muscles, building new ones, and having cheerleading chants engraved in my brain.

  Ahhhh! I breathed it all in.

  On the third day of camp, I felt like I was finally about to start my period, which was a relief because I was beginning to get worried. During lunch break, I went to the bathroom and peed, but when I checked the toilet the water only had pee in it—no blood. Then I looked at my underwear and there was one tiny drop of blood. I thought, What does this mean?

  That night I told Derek that my period hadn’t come and I was worried. Derek, as always, thought there was nothing to worry about. He said, “Sometimes girls don’t get periods every month.” I wanted to ease my stress, so of course I agreed, but all that week I worried. One drop of blood wasn’t a period, but what was it?

  BRAWL AT THE SALTY DOG

  At the end of that week I came home from cheer camp and it was back to work and tanning for the rest of summer. Working with Derek had been going well. We would eat together on our breaks or after we got off our shifts. We were spending a lot of time together just like he’d promised. But then one night at the end of June things changed.

  My sister wanted to go out for her 21st birthday and one of her guy friends had rented a party bus. I told Derek I wanted to hang out with him later that night, but that first I was going to go out with my sister and my other friends for a little bit. I said I’d call him later.

  As the night wore on, Derek got more and more annoyed with waiting for me. On top of that, he had gotten it into his head that a friend of my sister’s liked me and had taken me on a couple of dates while Derek and I were broken up. It was true that the guy liked me and I had gone out with him a couple of times, but he knew how I felt about Derek and had never tried to hit on me. It was more like a friend who had a crush on me but was happy to just hang out.

  It got to the point in our text messages where Derek was trash talking, saying he would fight the guy if I didn’t tell him where I was and if I didn’t let him come get me right away. I refused because he seemed so angry, but told him he could come get me later. By 1:00 AM our group had made its way back to our neighborhood to a bar called the Salty Dog.

  I wanted to wait for Derek, so I didn’t go inside. I told my sister how Derek had been acting, so she would know what was going on. I said that I thought it was best if I left before Derek got too jealous. She didn’t like Derek because, like my friends, she had watched me get hurt over and over again. She was sick of the drama and didn’t want to hear about it or deal with it anymore.

  I told her I was going to text Derek and ask him to come pick me up. I stayed on the party bus and waited for him while everyone else went inside. I waited a good fifteen minutes on the bus with no sign of Derek. By now, I was tired of talking to the bus driver and feeling like I was being punished for my boyfriend’s insecurities, so I thought, I’ll just go into the bar for a little bit and I’ll keep watching for Derek. My sister will let me know when he’s here.

  I went into the bar and, after another half hour, I figured Derek wasn’t going to show up. I hadn’t gotten any texts or phone calls from him and I didn’t know where he was. I hung out and talked to friends and after a while I noticed that half of our group wasn’t in the bar anymore. I figured they were all outside talking or smoking, but then I noticed that my sister was upset about something and had got up and left the bar. So I went to see what was going on.

  I walked out the door of the bar and in the parking lot I saw Derek and a friend of his were fighting with my sister’s friend. They were all hitting each other, and I saw my sister run over and hit Derek too. I was freaking out. I felt like I should protect Derek, but those were my friends and my sister he was fighting with.

  Just then Derek looked up and saw me. That seemed to enrage him even more, and he started yelling at all my friends. He didn’t say one word to me, though. I didn’t know what to do, so I ran away from it all to my sister’s car. Two minutes later the cops showed up and everyone scattered. My sister and her boyfriend met me at the car and I asked, “Why were you fighting with Derek?”

  She was pissed. “He came here wanting to fight and talk shit, so he’s going to get hit.”

  As we drove off I looked out the car window. I looked for Derek but his car was gone. After how he had ignored me, I figured we were done.

  COLD WAR GAMES

  The next day I went to work, but Derek wasn’t there. It was a Sunday, so it was pretty quiet and I had a good shift with great customers. I focused on work and tried not to think about the night before. Finally, when things were winding down, my manager came over and said he wanted to talk to me.

  “So, Farrah,
what happened last night?”

  “What do you mean?” I asked.

  He looked at me strangely. “Derek called in to say he couldn’t work his shift because he had to go to the hospital last night. He fractured his wrist and hurt his arm. He said he got into a fight because of you.”

  I was pissed because I felt like Derek was trying to get back at me for the fight by getting me fired.

  “It wasn’t my fault. I was waiting for him to pick me up, and he started the fight with my friend. When I left the bar, his arm and everything seemed fine. As far as I know, he didn’t break anything last night. My sister told me all they did was hit him on the head.”

  “You know, Farrah, sometimes guys might keep a girl around because it’s comfortable, but maybe you should move on.”

  I knew he was trying to help and give me advice, but hearing that really hurt, though I tried not to show it. I didn’t want to accept what he was trying to tell me. I told myself that Derek only keeping me around because it was comfortable made no sense. His friends didn’t like me and my friends and family didn’t even want us talking to one another. That’s not comfortable.

  Still, I replied, “I’ll think about it.”

  Derek didn’t text or call me, so once again I had no idea what was going on in his life. When I didn’t hear from him by the following Friday I was sure we were done. That night, I got to work early. I said “hi” to everyone and made a special effort to be nice to Derek’s guy friends, hoping I could get them to spill to me what he had been up to, even if they were on Derek’s side.