by Leanne Davis
“Yeah? Well, so were you… Tristan and date rape.”
“Touché.” Kylie shook her head. “Would you like a few minutes with him alone?”
“Yes. But first, let me clean up.” Kylie nodded as Ally slipped into her bathroom. She stared into the mirror in abject horror. Her eyes were ugly red; her face was blotchy, and her hair was a snarled mess. After attending to her personal hygiene, she stared with longing at the toilet. Yeah, as if no one would notice that. Squeezing her fingers with resentment, she began to seethe. Damn. How could she ever do that? Face everyone with the truth? Especially Nate? Undergo treatment? Enjoy her life without… that? Their ridiculous name, bulimia. She didn’t have that.
What she had was a coping mechanism. It was necessary. And valued. Her coping mechanism. Bulimic. The very name carried a stigma that made it even more insidious. And hazardous. Even scary. The eating disorder sounded completely unsurvivable and utterly terrifying to have.
What Ally did wasn’t any of those things. To her, it was… fulfilling. In so many ways, it satisfied the longing inside her. What else could she possibly find to provide all that? The thought of giving it up permanently, and never experiencing it again doomed both her present life and her future. She leaned against the counter, her hands gripping the edge of it, as she stared into the mirror feeling the rush of panic overwhelm her. How could she live without feeling the rush of getting all the foods she loved? How could she live without knowing there was a way to feel better when she felt that tightening around her throat over the things she faced in life? How could she live without this?
But now everyone knew so it wouldn’t be the same, secret rush. Now it was labeled. Now it was known. And now it was bad. Sighing, she opened the bathroom door and found Nate standing there with his back against the door, as if afraid to fully enter. He even looked completely unsure. His gaze bounded all around, landing everywhere but on her, like a ping pong ball that doesn’t rest in one place. His arms were loosely hanging by his sides, but Ally noticed his fists were clenched, as if to keep him from crossing them over his chest.
Nate stepped forward, almost hunching inside the door. “Kylie said you wanted to see me?”
Ally nearly sighed. His tone was so tight and his back was ramrod stiff.
“Yes. I guess I was surprised you were still here.”
“I wasn’t sure if you wanted me to stay or go.”
Ally stepped closer. “Um, yeah, I said some things…”
“You were upset. It was only natural.”
She simply could not get used to talking out loud about her secret. It felt so wrong. “Apparently, I have some anger management problems. I think because I tried really hard not to show it, perhaps it led to, you know, well, this, what everyone is here for.”
“Yeah. I pieced that together. Your dad’s abandonment and all? Maybe you tried to ignore your anger, and it simply refused to be ignored.”
Ally closed her eyes, sucking the air in through her nose. This was so hard. Feeling awkward and stiff, they remained several feet apart, but the emotional gulf seemed far wider. “My mom thinks I did freak out at first. I got all angry and terrible, messing up at school, until I learned I had to get a grip. I couldn’t go around acting out how I felt. I guess I took it too far, like I do everything else, and refused to let myself feel grief. I stuffed it deep inside, using food for comfort. But I didn’t want to be fat. So…”
Nate cleared his throat. His gaze met hers and he looked away. “So you found a way to do both.”
“Yeah.” Shallow breaths, as if she needed an oxygen mask, followed. It seemed like her lungs couldn’t grab enough air. “Why didn’t you come to me first?”
“I didn’t intend to go to anyone. It just mushroomed into this.” Nate flapped his hands around, indicating her room, but she knew he meant her whole apartment full of family.
“But Vickie?”
“She guessed the truth. I went there to see my dad and talk to him. She started interrogating me, asking what was wrong and when I asked her about the subject in general, she instantly guessed I was talking about someone close to me. Then she realized I liked you for a long time and she assumed it had to be you. After that, she was off and running to your mother. Then over here. I didn’t mean for this to get started at all. I was working up my courage to broach the subject with you. I just didn’t know how. I have no idea what the hell to do now, Ally.”
Ally slumped forward, placing her arms over her stomach, the center of all their concern. “I’m going home for a while, Nate. I’ll probably take a leave of absence from school.”
“Yeah. That might be best.”
“Yeah,” she echoed. It suddenly felt like they had never been together. Awkward. Polite. Strained. From the very first time she ever spoke to Nate, they were something to each other: snarky, angry, annoyed, flirting, playful, and continually poking each other in some form or another, right up until it became a relationship. Now? They couldn’t seem to even look at each other anymore. All that talk of how much he loved her? Where did that go? She nearly sneered at the confession. He didn’t include her proclivity to puking when he proclaimed his love for her and promised “no matter what she said or did.” That part was obvious.
So were they done now? Split up? Waiting to see? What? Ally didn’t know; and she wasn’t sure she wanted to know. Her head was overloaded with phlegm and she could hardly breathe from crying so much. Her thoughts were disjointed and scattered. She truly had no idea anymore about what she was, except extremely exhausted. She never felt so tired before. Not even when she found out her dad left them. Being a kid, although it hurt, it was not her responsibility to survive and forge on. This, however, was. And the thought of getting up tomorrow and dealing with it, trying to fix it, loomed like an impossible burden she could not begin to lift.
Licking her chapped lips, Ally thought, No way could someone love her through this. She understood why of course, it was too much to ask of anyone. “Nate… this isn’t exactly what you pictured when you thought about getting involved with me.”
“No,” he confirmed quietly.
She smiled, but it was only a shadow of her real one. “It’s not too sexy, is it?”
“No. But that’s not important right now. We have to get you all the help you need. Don’t worry about anything else. Not me. Not us. We’ll just… chill for now. You know? Don’t worry about anything, not even school. Or what anyone else knows or thinks. Not even me. Just take care of yourself.”
He was blowing her off. Chill for now? She turned her head to hide the blush that filled her cheeks. God, he really wasn’t willing to deal with it. She was shocked to be honest. She expected a blowback from what she said to him earlier. There would be adjusting and anger and yeah, going through this together. But… honestly? She truly thought Nate was up for it and would stick by her, and back her up. She believed he’d take her in his arms and tell her he loved her, no matter what.
But Nate wasn’t doing that. He was wishing her well, saying take care, and goodbye. Pretty much.
Ally turned and sagged as she sat on the bed. Staring down at her jean-clad knees she asked in a desolate tone, “Yes well, do you mind if I get some rest? Maybe you could send my sister in? I’d like to just recoup. It’s been a long day.”
Nate nodded, searching for the door handle behind him with his hand. He found it and couldn’t get out of there fast enough and away from her. Exhaling a long breath, Ally restrained her tears as she squeezed her eyes shut.
“It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s going to be okay,” she chanted to herself. Nate was just a guy she dated for a while. He might have cared for her once, or could have grown to truly care for her if things hadn’t snowballed so quickly and she didn’t have the problem she finally had to admit.
Judging by everyone’s reaction, bulimia was a very real and serious problem, just as Ally suspected but stayed in denial about. It was better for her to concentrate on herself right now. She had to improve her health and deal
with the source of her condition, rather than stressing over a newbie romance she didn’t expect to work out anyway.
So now you throw in an unsightly case of bulimia? What guy expects that? Ally wasn’t angry with Nate, but a crushing sadness weighed down on her heart. It hurt. A lot. She had to acknowledge that her eating disorder was the reason he couldn’t be around her right now. It must have grossed Nate out to imagine what she did, and Ally couldn’t fault him for that.
Nor could she blame herself. She stared at her sister with love when Kylie climbed closer and hugged her. “I don’t think he can handle this,” Ally whispered when her sister squeezed her hand.
“He might just need more time. It’s been a hell of a day and a pretty surprising revelation.”
“Nate’s not Tristan. Maybe he’s just too young. You know? If he were Tristan’s age, he might handle this better. He wasn’t looking to take this on. Especially during the last quarter of his senior year of college. He’s got his perfect GPA to keep up and a life to get on with. I would be the same way. I get that. It just hurts a little more than I expected.”
Kylie touched her face. “I think you need to deal with it. Regardless of anyone else’s reactions or advice. And I will be right here behind you. Every step of the way. For once, I am going to help you.”
Ally curled into her sister. “I’m sorry.”
“Let’s not be sorry, and just figure out how to get better.”
Ally smiled and closed her eyes as she tried to fall asleep. Her little sister’s strange but welcome presence reassured her. She forgot to ask when Nate left.
Chapter Fourteen
HER ROOM WAS PLEASANT enough, but it wasn’t like home. Someone attempted to make it seem more cheerful and bedroom-like, despite the hard flooring and clinical sterility of it. Ally scoffed in her head. Enough money buys pretty decent surroundings. She winced with guilt. Already Donny and her mom were paying for most of her college bills, and now this? Freaking in-patient treatment? Ally had an inkling of the cost per day, which did nothing to ease her already rampant shame. She held her backpack against her chest as she sat on the bed. “It’s very nice.” Her generic smile and familiar comment instantly had her mom whipping around and walking over to her. Tracy lifted her chin and made Ally give her eye contact.
“It’s very temporary, sweetheart. It’s merely a starting point. It’s not like going to jail or being institutionalized.”
“I know. I’m so lucky you guys can do this for me.”
Her mom sighed. “You’re feeling guilty about the money? Please don’t. We have insurance, and there is nothing more important to me than the health of you girls, all three of you. I do love that about you; you rarely fail to acknowledge, care, and feel grateful for what we do for you.”
“I just wish I didn’t need this treatment.”
“I’m so relieved to know you’re doing it. You could have fought us tooth and nail. You could have refused to seek help too. You’re an adult and that’s your right; we couldn’t force you. Do you have any idea how proud I am of you? To admit and accept help for a problem is difficult, Ally. But especially for you, someone who prides herself on her reputation and capabilities.”
“Only for everyone to pull back the curtain and realize it was all an act.”
Tracy shook her head. “It wasn’t any act. You are intelligent, capable, and wonderful, in fact. But you also have a serious problem. No, I’m not the least bit disappointed in you. I’m prouder than I think I’ve ever been of you.”
Ally gripped her mom’s hand and sobbed, “I’m sorry.”
“I know. I appreciate the sentiment. But I’m not sorry. You are still my perfect daughter, but not because you always strive to attain perfection, but because you and Kylie and Julia are the daughters you are… therefore all three of you are perfect as my daughters. Do you understand the difference? I’m not sure you do.”
“I—I might not have. But I think I’m starting to. It wasn’t your fault, Mom. I know you didn’t expect perfection from me. I just… had this need to prove myself, and that I could do everything. I wasn’t a failure.”
Tracy smiled sadly. “Your dad was like that.”
Ally jerked her head away. “Don’t. Don’t compare me to him.”
“Perhaps, I should have more often. Perhaps I should not have stopped talking about him like he was some kind of a virus we’d risk getting by just mentioning his name. He was your dad, Ally, and he had many good traits. Those were the traits I fell in love with, and the same traits I see in you girls.”
“Great. So this is just the start. I’ll end up hurting those I love in order to succeed and get what? My fair share out of life?”
“No. Not that. Your ambition to be the best. It will take you far in life, career-wise, financially, and help you fulfill any family obligations you choose to take on. But you can’t be perfect. You must find a way to balance your need to strive to do your personal best without putting so much pressure on yourself.”
Kylie slipped into the room as her mom spoke.
Kylie had been a rock of support so far. She didn’t feel the need to talk or lecture or reassure Ally. She just supported Ally. She was very quiet, and accepting. If Ally decided to binge again and throw up right in front of Kylie, she wasn’t so sure Kylie would instantly run off to tell someone or try to stop her. Kylie might have just accepted it and allowed Ally to do whatever Ally needed. Ally began to notice her little sister’s quiet, odd way of viewing others. Kylie didn’t judge people, but offered her complete acceptance of everybody.
It was something Ally lacked and formerly scorned, until she was on the receiving end. Kylie was the one person Ally didn’t feel guilty or ashamed with. Kylie removed Ally’s compelling need to explain why she’d do such a vile thing out of stress. With Kylie, Ally felt loved, and unconditionally supported, without ever having to change her habits.
Naturally, everyone else desperately wanted Ally to change for the better. Of course, they did; as they should have. But Ally was grateful to have just one person that accepted the possibility that she might not improve. Only Kylie would love her no matter if she succeeded or failed. Once the caretaker, now Ally was the one in need of Kylie’s care. And Kylie stepped up to the plate with no hesitation.
“What do you think of the room?” Kylie asked.
“I think it’s rehab wretched,” Ally replied glumly. She was feeling sorry for herself and slightly resentful of having to stay there. “I think everyone is holding their breath. They’re all just waiting for me to embrace this and be cured. Or not.” She shook her head, restraining the hot tears that nearly burst out. She kept crying all the time these days. “What if I fail, Ky?”
Kylie came forward and sat down next to her, tugging her legs up beneath her. “You are the strongest person I know, Ally. If there’s a new way for you to handle eating, I don’t know of anyone else who would succeed faster in doing it. I always counted on you and trusted that whatever you did, whether in school, or becoming a lawyer, you’ll be the best at it. That’s just you. So for this? You’ll succeed, Ally, exactly as much as you want to. But you have to decide what that is. Not us. You have the focus and the intensity of no one else I know. So I think being here all depends on what you want to get out of it. Not me. Not Mom. Not Donny or Julia. Just you, Ally. And there is no one I would bet on more than you to accomplish it.”
Ally sucked in a deep breath. “That was freakishly inspirational. When did you become so… wise?”
Kylie shrugged and grinned. “I love you. Okay? Bulimic or not, I’ll always love you, and we all will always love you. So whatever you decide you want this experience to be, I have faith you’ll make it just that.”
“It’s not like taking a class.” Ally’s voice wobbled with uncertainty. Doubts plagued her brain, stabbing into her thoughts like little pitchforks. “I can’t just study the subject, process it, and prove I know it on a test.”
Tracy leaned forward and kissed her cheek. �
��No, Ally, you have to feel this. You have to learn to accept feelings that aren’t in any textbook, and they aren’t black and white either. You have to start there. Try to understand your own emotions. Do I think you can do that? Yes, I do.”
Ally gripped both of their hands. “This isn’t a succeed-or-fail kind of thing, is it?”
Her mom’s soft laugh filled the room. “No, honey, it’s not. Just a doable kind of thing, okay? When you doubt your strength and determination, remember that. There are no grades now. No judgments. We cannot police you or your personal activities. We simply can only care about you. And love you. And help you.”
“I guess this room’s not so bad, it’s kind of pretty. I do like the shade of blue.”
Her mom and sister laughed as they hugged and silence descended over everyone. It was much harder when they left Ally for the night, and she was all alone in the pretty, blue room.
****
Ally left school. She was officially excused from all her classes the following week. Nate wondered desperately if she would lose all that she had worked for so hard to date. What a shame. She was a single quarter shy of graduation. It was hard to imagine after all she’d gone through, and the high grades she maintained, that she wasn’t going to graduate after all.
Nate was consumed by guilt. He attended his classes, staring at the seat Ally formerly occupied until he tattled on her. He kept replaying their last conversation over and over again and inevitably wanted to bang his head as hard as he could against the table. There she was, all raw and ravaged, her vulnerability and tears no consolation at all. Having exposed the biggest secret of her life with no preparation, and then witnessing her family’s shocking reaction, she certainly tumbled off the pedestal that her family set her up on. She had to take the emotional disgrace of failure, something Ally couldn’t handle well, considering how even a B+ grade affected to her.
So what did Nate do? Did he go right in and sweep her up into his arms? Or kiss her mouth, her cheeks, her eyes and forehead in a demonstration of his adoring love that he so convincingly proclaimed to her? Did he merely reach forward and calmly take her hand and squeeze it to show his silent support? No! He did nothing to comfort her. He acted like a stiff, annoyed asshole.
