by Leanne Davis
Nearly groaning out loud, Nate dropped his weary head onto the desk. Being right in the middle of a lecture, however, he didn’t leave it there, but sat quietly. Dealing with it. Faking it. Making it. As Ally did so well.
He didn’t even say he still cared about her. Nothing. He gave her no indication how he felt about her now. Other than they could chill for now. He cringed remembering the line he said to her.
And neither did she; he had no idea how she felt about him now.
After being nearly blindsided and set up, Ally was completely exposed. That she even calmed down long enough to let her family help her was pretty epic. If that happened to Nate, he would have considered it a planned, formal intervention and would have been angry and belligerent. He would not have cooperated, let alone, do what everyone wanted him to do. But Ally did and even continued cooperating.
He knew how deeply Ally was hurt by his discussion with anyone but her about her problem, but especially Vickie. That was a huge betrayal to her. He should have gone to Ally first. But it just didn’t work out that way.
Nate’s dad let him know from Vickie, that Ally was enrolled in a two-week in-patient center for eating disorders. She checked in herself. No one forced her to go. He knew he should call her, but there was something that made it feel like he couldn’t. When he tried explaining his guilt to his dad, Dane had gently let him off the hook. It was way over Nate’s head to even consider dealing with the problems Ally had and no one could fault him for how he felt.
Nate did nonetheless. Nate reviled himself heavily.
But when he tried to pick up the phone to call Ally, his tongue grew thick and heavy. What should he say? Or talk about? His classes? His next research paper? His next test? Complain that Tammy Mackerby was his partner who hadn’t done a damn thing to date on their project? What could he say about his day? The day that Ally should be experiencing with him.
Should he just ask how she felt? Oh, hey, Ally, how’s that bulimia clinic treating you? Eaten much junk lately? And your ceaseless desire to induce sickness… is that better yet? Though an exaggeration that’s what popped inappropriately into Nate’s mind anytime he thought about calling her. Nate could not find one neutral or natural subject to speak to Ally about. They seemed so oddly unfamiliar with each other, he didn’t even know if they were still together. Of course, the natural, normal thing to do would have been just to call her up and ask. Yet the circumstances were so not natural or normal. She was in rehab, and Nate didn’t even know if he could visit her.
One thing he felt sure of was, Ally would not forgive him for how he acted and what he omitted saying to her. Harboring grudges against the people who failed to live up to her standards was Ally’s way, and Nate failed his very first test. As a good, loving, caring boyfriend, hell, just a decent, ordinary person would have been more open and caring and supportive of her than what he did. He completely froze up and did not react. He was immovable as stone. In using Vickie and her mother to confront her, Nate was hiding. He was afraid to come forward and emphasize how much he still loved her, wanted her, and cared about her, no matter what.
No. He didn’t convey anything like that. And now that he’d had a few days, well, weeks, to be honest, to think about what Ally did, he suffered the stabbing pangs of regret. All the things he didn’t do or say to her came back to haunt him. And yet, he was just as frozen now as he was then. How could he undo his initial apathy?
But more importantly when? Ally wasn’t at school, but at home now. She was surrounded by her family and he wondered if she’d want to talk to him. But again, when he considered texting or calling her, his mind froze. All the subjects he should not have mentioned or questioned or brought up swirled inside his brain. He was mute feeling when faced with talking to her and now all he could obsess about was what the hell should he do? He had no answers so he did nothing at all.
Except miss her as much as he felt guilty. The thing he couldn’t figure out was if his guilt was the reason he wanted to contact her, or the reason he was so paralyzed in fear to do so?
Finally, he took the cowards way out and called up his little step-sister, asking to hang out with her. She’d readily agreed, and now he had a substantial reason to show up at Ally’s house and try to figure out if there was anything left between them, or was it all guilt? And to have a ready-made excuse to force himself to talk to her. Maybe then, he could do something, either way about her.
Chapter Fifteen
NATE KNOCKED ON THE front door. Ally opened it, her eyes widening as her forehead wrinkled and she jerked back. She had no idea he would show up there.
“Nate? Wha—what are you doing here?”
He took in a deep breath and a wave of anxiety from facing Ally made his palms sweat. The cool, spring air felt pleasant on his bare arms and face; and the sweet scent of freshly tilled earth and potted plants that Tracy used to decorate the front porch wafted up his nostrils.
“Julia and I were going to hit a movie. We haven’t had a chance in the last few weeks to see each other, so…”
Ally nodded. “Oh, that’s nice. Come in.”
Nate followed behind her as she opened the door wider, then turned and walked into the entryway. “Julia!” she screamed. “Nate’s here.”
Nate stared at Ally’s backside. Wearing shorts to fully enjoy the balmy late May temperatures and a t-shirt, Ally’s weight looked about the same to him. But then again, he wasn’t sure a few pounds either way would have been noticeable. And he wouldn’t have cared. It was Ally who so desperately cared.
After analyzing everything the last few weeks he had gathered some conclusions.
First and most importantly, he missed Ally. For the last several weeks, he missed her being at school every day. He liked working with her, studying with her, debating with her, fighting with her, and most especially, having sex with her. He enjoyed hearing her opinions and her quick wit. Even her sharp, sarcastic tongue and her clear-cut, black-and-white view of the world endeared her to him. He admired her convictions, which made him strive to work harder, be better, get stronger, and try his hardest. She inspired him to always aim for his personal best.
Second, he was totally unprepared for who Ally really turned out to be. He was the first to admit that too. He was attracted to her. He could nearly draw her body in perfect proportion after spending so much of his time simply desiring her. At twenty-two years old, he longed for an attractive woman his age. He readily admitted it, and didn’t think he should feel ashamed for wanting that. Was he being shallow? Maybe at first, but he moved past that to feel something far deeper and more real than being all about Ally’s looks. He didn’t dream, however, what a problem Ally’s looks were for her.
After getting to know Ally, and admiring her, and laughing at her initial frustration towards him, their shared foreplay soon led to so much more. It began a relationship in which Nate, for the first time, wanted to truly know, understand, and desire all of Ally. Not just the body that first attracted him.
The body he now realized she was abusing and hurting in her quest to keep it looking the way he first observed and desired her. That deep affliction was just as much a part of Ally as her intelligence or her strong sense of justice. Could he accept this part of Ally?
It was a hard question to examine and be honest about. It was hard for him to do without censoring himself as to what was politically correct. Yes, he should be able to deal with Ally having an eating disorder. But that didn’t necessarily mean he could deal with it. To answer that he had to silence his family’s voices inside his head, from Vickie to his dad, and even his dead mother. He ignored what he thought all of them would advise and chose to just be honest with himself. Could he handle it?
The answer came to him after several weeks, which he allowed himself since he couldn’t decide yes or no right off. He mulled it over, and tried to be as truthful as possible. Her secret was undeniably a terrible shock, and not something he took lightly. He felt incredibly sorry for her. Bu
t could he live with Ally being bulimic and still desire her?
It took being away from her and letting his brain simmer over what it would mean to live day in and day out with someone suffering from such a harsh eating disorder, for him to decide. But in the end he believed he could desire her and want to be with her even as she dealt with being bulimic. Just like he’d first promised her.
Yes, he’d hesitated at first. When faced with this revelation he had frozen and failed her. He fully copped to that. He had failed his first test at loving her no matter what. He had run scared and not dealt with her. He hadn’t done anything. Which was perhaps worse than doing the wrong thing. But he didn’t mean for it to be the end. He hadn’t had any life preparation to prepare him for this.
But the conclusion he came to was; he was willing to learn. He was willing to begin to change as everyone was expecting and demanding Ally to change. Wasn’t it only fair he did so as well?
The problem now being? He had no idea how to convey any of this to Ally. Ally who was so black and white. People were good or evil. Responsible or not. Slept with their step-mothers or not. Boyfriends handled surprises well or not. He pretty much grasped he’d failed her miserably. He just didn’t know how to undo the fail in a way that she’d forgive him.
After staring at each other for way too long, silence and strain between them, she asked, “How are classes?”
How were his classes? Who cared? Other thoughts preoccupied his brain. He didn’t care about school or classes or even graduating. Much less, perfect grades. He cared only about Ally. But he couldn’t stop feeling guilty for not being there when she needed him the most. Ally entered a treatment center for the very issue he brought out into the light. And Nate missed it. Her first step, her first day, her agony, her cravings, her emotions… Whatever else she was experiencing, he missed the whole beginning of her recovery.
Ally would not overlook that slight from Nate easily. As she should not have. He just hadn’t realized at the time what he was doing or why. He’d reacted without thinking and now he knew his reaction was completely wrong.
“Fine. Got Professor Rand, so it’s pretty easy.”
“You’ll make it then?”
“What?”
“A 4.0 at graduation?”
He shrugged. Who cared anymore? “I guess. I almost let it go because it just didn’t feel the same or matter as much to me. But I assumed if you were in that position, you’d probably do anything you could to keep it. I figured I was lucky to be there and doing that, so I’ll make it…”
“I’d have kept it too. You don’t give up something you worked so damn hard for because of someone else, especially when your actions can’t help them.”
“Yeah, I guess.” He tucked his hands into his pockets. “You’re home now?” Nate inquired, almost frantic for something innocuous to open the conversation. As if he didn’t know. She’d been home for weeks already.
Her face was almost totally neutral when she answered, “Yes. I’m an outpatient now. Every day, I meet with the dietician, counselors, you know, the works. It’s a bit like going to college actually. I’m constantly reading material that explains the disorder, and includes nutritional factors and different ways to handle the various triggers.”
“Well, you always were the best at school.”
Her gaze studied him. “I’m not the best at dealing with this though. By a longshot, I’m not very good at this at all.”
Nate looked at the floor, swallowing the lump of nerves lodged in the middle of his throat.
“Ally? I’m sorry. For how I reacted at first. Or rather, how I didn’t react. I wanted to say so much more that day, but I didn’t know what. And then, I didn’t know how to call you to apologize, or what to say if I did. I wasn’t sure how to reach you. I don’t mean physically, duh. I know your phone number and address… I mean, emotionally. I didn’t know how to connect with you that way. It was so…”
She smiled her lips tight. “Don’t, Nate. Don’t do that. I understand, actually. I can see your reaction. It’s okay. Don’t beat yourself up over it. It was my nuclear bomb. There is a reason I kept it so compulsively secret. It’s shocking and thoroughly disgusting and totally unnatural. I don’t expect you to apologize, although I sincerely appreciate it. Please, Nate, just let it go.”
Julia came out of her room as well as Tracy from another room. They both greeted Nate with genuine smiles and asked how he was. But he couldn’t stop watching Ally. She stepped back, moving out of the way. No! No, that isn’t what he intended. It wasn’t an apology, but rather, a declaration. He wanted her to get past her usual black-and-white, you either fail or succeed standard. You either crossed the line or not. He wanted to explain that he was stuck in the gray, but now he was ready to move out of it. Would Ally even understand that? Nate highly doubted it.
Julia was getting her coat while Tracy prattled on about Nate’s dad and Vickie and some stupid, trivial get-together… Meanwhile, Nate was losing Ally.
“Ally? Could we finish talking?”
Her smile was fainter. “I think we have, Nate. Really, it’s okay. I don’t want to right now. I’m not ready. Have fun with Julia.”
She turned and walked into the kitchen, where the food was. Nate glanced at Tracy. Did she think the same thing as he? Did her heart leap each and every time Ally even approached the kitchen? How could he stand to watch her eat? Should he compulsively stand over her, judging the amounts, policing whatever she put into her mouth to make sure it never reappeared? But then again, how would that work? What kind of relationship would that be? It would surely end it, even between a mother and a daughter. How should he deal with it? And once again, he remembered why it still scared him so much. Was it a disease? An affliction? Or just an issue? He didn’t even know what to call it, let alone, how to handle it. Following Julia, he began smiling as she started chatting away.
His mind returned to Ally. What could he say and do differently? How could he penetrate the thick wall Ally put around herself after he failed her?
He could easily imagine how she might reject him, mentally banishing him from her brain and be over and done with him. He failed her. Goodbye. No more Nate. No more boyfriend because he didn’t react correctly to her disorder.
He deserved the recrimination and didn’t try to deny it. But now, more than anything, he wanted a chance to rectify it. To improve things and show he’d learned from his mistake. But Ally? Rarely did she offer anyone a second chance.
When the movie was over, they went out for pie at a local diner and Nate dropped Julia back at home, but Ally was nowhere to be found. In response to Nate’s straining his neck around Tracy to find Ally, Tracy gently replied that she’d gone to her sister’s for the night.
“How is she doing?”
“Better than she was a few weeks ago. But it’s slow. And certainly not over.”
“How do you handle it?”
“Cautiously, imperfectly. I stress about each and every thing I do. I’m always worried that I’ll pressure her too much, or watch her too closely, or maybe not do either enough.”
Nate stuck his hands deeply into his jean pockets. “I was freaked out.”
“I know. So was I, actually. It was mind-blowing.”
“She won’t talk to me, or see me. I handled it wrong and now I’m as good as dead to her.”
Tracy’s lips twitched. “A little bit like Ally, yes. But this time, I would blame it on her own humiliation and shame, not yours. Don’t give up on her, Nate.”
He nodded absently. “She asked me for more time.”
“Then let her have it. She isn’t ready to make any decisions right now beyond how to deal with bulimia.”
He tilted his head down in a nod of understanding. “Well, thanks for letting me take Julia out.”
“She counts on it.”
He shuffled his feet. “I know I’m probably not what you want for Ally. I mean, she’s so… amazing, and I’m sure you disapprove of me, because of�
�� of…”
“Vickie?”
“Yes. Vickie. But Ally? I really do care about her. I don’t know how to prove it though. And the one time I could have, I failed.”
“You didn’t fail. You were confused. Unsure. She just needs time. She’s not used to her new self yet.”
“Thanks, Tracy. Most moms wouldn’t want me here, considering…”
“Nate? You’re always welcome in our house. Whether you come to see Julia… or Ally.”
Nate nodded glumly and headed back to school. There he studied. Senioritis was in full swing during the last few weeks so by the time finals rolled around, Nate wanted to simply forget it. He had no motivation to study. He wanted to let it slide. But of course, he didn’t. He pictured Ally, and knew she wouldn’t let it slide, not even her last final of the last class on the last day of her college career. She’d never do anything half-assed; and therefore, neither did he. But his pride felt hollow between the grades, the classes, the honors, and the degree. It all felt empty and hollow now.
He wanted to be planning to go to UC Davis with Ally next fall and pushing each other through law school. To study with her. To push her buttons again, and have her push his. They competed so well together and inspired each other to strive for perfection, and to achieve their full potential. They brought out each other’s exceptionalism, from their ability to perform well to what Nate now believed were each other’s best selves. Like yin and yang, they provided a sense of balance to each other. He knew when she went too far; and she had no qualms in calling him out if he overstepped too.
Who knew if Ally would be going now? She wouldn’t be done spring quarter with her bachelor’s degree. Plus law school would induce all kinds of new stressors and triggers for perfection-obsessed Ally. It would be a whole new atmosphere for performing at high standards. Could Ally do so without reverting right back to bulimia? Did this now mean she wouldn’t be going on with her studies? Her dreams? Her ambitions?
