by Mia Ford
“I need to know,” I tell myself seriously. “I need to do something to make this okay again.”
I know it isn’t the right thing to do, I’m aware of how crazy this is, but the urge to see if Lexi really is the woman that I want her to be is clouding my judgement, making me feel like it’s the right thing to do. I grab my jacket, throw it over my disheveled clothing, and I head down the stairs, practically creeping as I go. I don’t know if she’s fully left the building yet, although she was in a hurry, and I don’t want to be caught.
“Am I really going to do this?” I pause by the door and hold the handle, blinking desperately, willing some rationality to go into my brain. “Am I really going to make this happen? This is too much.”
But I already know that my mind has been made up. I’m going to follow Lexi, to see what she’s doing. I know how it sounds, I know it also goes against the idea that I’m just waiting patiently for her to be ready… but I can’t help it. I’m scared for myself, and for her as well. There must be a reason that she is keeping it from me. We’re close enough now for her to share anything by now, I would think. She might be keeping it from me to protect me. But I want to be the one to protect her. For anything.
“I need to help her,” I tell myself, convincing myself. “In case she needs me. She might even want this…”
Whether that’s true or not, the crazy decision has been made and it’s time for me to follow through. I push the door open and lock it behind me, my pulse pounding wildly the entire time. Maybe I am in love, I have heard before that love makes you do crazy things… and clearly that’s what’s happening to me right now.
I stuff my hands in my pockets and dip my head low, feeling like an idiot as I walk. I can see Lexi in the distance, walking with her eyes on the floor, and I follow where she’s going, hiding in the shadows. The person that I am right now isn’t me, but I’m electrified, on edge, knowing that I can’t stop. The need to know is more powerful than anything else.
I’m a freaking addict. Lexi is more potent, more overwhelming than I’m sure any drug could be.
Lexi walks fast, wherever she’s going she needs to get there quick. That’s what always concerns me about her. She’s desperate, whatever is going on really troubles her hard. I try to keep the same pace as her without getting caught, which isn’t easy. Thankfully, it’s dark, and there aren’t other people around or I would probably end up locked away in jail for stalking, or something equally crazy.
God, I can just see the shit storm that would cause right now. My father would disown me, even my mother who’s the best peace maker we have, not that she can really do a lot for us, wouldn’t be able to do anything. All the people at work would think I’ve lost my mind, and Lexi would turn her back on me. Because I’m untrustworthy, not allowing her to tell me when she’s ready… it would be hell. So, why am I here?
“Oh fuck.” Lexi senses something. The rate that she spins around is rapid as hell. She’s definitely felt my presence. I’m right by an alleyway so I dart inside, and I grab onto my knees to get my panting breaths in order. The craziness of this hits me so hard it hurts. If she caught me, it would fuck up everything that we have between us. Is knowing really that important? Should I turn around and go back?
But as I peek around the corner, I notice that she’s continued walking, I realize that I’m not about to get caught. She hasn’t seen me, and if I want to, I could just keep following her. But do I want to? Or should I be smart?
My feet take off, doing what my brain secretly wants to but doesn’t give permission for yet. I guess that I’m not doing the smart thing after all. I’m continuing to follow her. Finding out where she’s going.
The directions are weird, I don’t quite know where we’re headed, every time I think I might be able to work it out, it changes again. That makes it all the more intriguing. My imagination annoyingly keeps going to dark places, thinking the worst thing possible. I don’t need that, I would rather just focus…
“What the hell?” My voice murmurs, the shock completely evident as I see where we’re headed. The hospital. Not what I was expecting at all. I don’t know what I really thought, but this isn’t it.
I freeze, watching her go inside as I recall the conversation that we had over dinner. She told me that her mother died when she was young. I never thought to ask what of, but what if it’s because she was sick? It could be something hereditary and now Lexi has it too. She might be about to break my heart, not because she wants to. That idea makes me panic so hard that I clutch onto my chest, the pain evident.
I want to run inside, to go with her to her appointment, which must be important because it’s so late at night, but I can’t. There’s no way that I can explain this to Lexi. She will kill me. She obviously doesn’t want me to know for a reason, she isn’t ready to tell me, and now that I know I can see why.
“Oh God, fuck, this is bad. This is really bad.”
I lean down and place my head between my knees, gasping desperately. I’m dizzy, this information too much for my brain to take in. This is the woman that I’m falling for, that I want to be with, that I want to have a future with… I don’t want her to get sick. I don’t want to lose her. I want her for my own.
The intensity of my feelings is too much. I really like her, more than I care to admit. More than I have allowed myself to believe, and now I’m utterly fucking terrified. I need to go back in time, I need to be back in that office, oblivious to all of this. It wouldn’t change things, but it was better not knowing.
I shake my head, trying to block out all of these thoughts, trying to get rationality back to me, but it’s gone. The only place in the world that I can think to run to is back to the office. Things were clearer there, I knew what was happening between me and Lexi… or what might happen anyway. Now, I’m stuck.
I turn and practically run away, as if escaping the situation will somehow make it better. I don’t think about where I’m going, I just walk. My head pounds, my heart throbs, my stomach churns with sickness. I’m afraid that the bile swirling around inside of me might fly out of my mouth at any given moment.
“How can this be? How can this be? It isn’t right. It’s a fucking mess…”
I pass a bar, almost darting inside for a drink to try and numb some of this, but I stop myself at the last moment. Alcohol isn’t the best idea, especially in a situation like this. My head is already cloudy as hell. I don’t want to make it worse. I need my thoughts to be clearer, not worse.
I continue walking until I somehow end up outside the office. Without considering what I’m doing too much, I head inside. My feet carry me all the way to my office where I can still smell me and Lexi in our more innocent time. Or not innocent, I just didn’t know what the fuck was going on.
“This isn’t right!” I yell. “This is fucking karma and then some. I don’t deserve this, do I?”
I might have broken a few hearts in my time, maybe, but I have always tried to be honest with my intentions. Maybe some women mistakenly assumed that they could change me, but I never gave that impression… Lexi definitely gave me the impression that she was into me, and a relationship was happening.
Okay, so she never actually said it, she hasn’t told me that she loves me or anything, and I never asked her to be my girlfriend in the end, but the intentions were there all along. I’m sure of it.
I pace up and down, the time that I have shared with Lexi racing through my mind. Her date with the boring guy that I ruined on her behalf, the moment she came into my office for a job interview and my heart skipped about ten beats, her first day when we had a real laugh together, the kissing, the sex – arranged and otherwise – all the times that I’ve got distracted, thinking about her, the way that I defended her against my father…
God, I love her. It’s so damn obvious that I’ve loved her for a long time. Whichever asshole said that it’s good to love and lose, or whatever, I don’t know the exact statement, was an idiot. This hurts like hell. It w
as much better before, just screwing around and not giving a damn about anyone. Parting, throwing money around, having fun with women… it was easy. Work didn’t matter, I barely cared about my father’s opinion, and I wasn’t obsessed with anyone. It was a much simpler life, that I would give anything to go back to.
“I need to erase her,” I tell myself angrily, just trying to find a new way to vent my emotions. “I need to get rid of her. Pretend that she never existed. That’s the best way.”
Of course, it doesn’t feel that way. But it’s anger or sadness and I can’t deal with fucking tears right now. Plus, if I open the flood gates over this, there might not be any shutting them back again. I can’t have that.
Chapter Twenty-One
Lexi
There’s a small smile playing on my lips as I arrive at the hospital. Yes, I’m later than normal, but I’m sure that Jane will see this as a good thing. Especially when I share my new story with her… some of it anyway, not all the gory details. She told me to get a life and that’s what I’ve been doing now. She’ll love it.
There’s almost a skip in my step as I go, and I can feel my hips swinging. Jane will notice it right away. She’ll tell me that something has changed, and it’ll give her plenty of distraction. Maybe I might even tell her that I think I might be falling in love… I wonder what she’ll say about that. Will she be pleased that I am having a good time? And with the guy that she recommended no less. Or will it highlight her own loneliness? I haven’t forgotten about her need for a boyfriend. When she gets out of the hospital, I will help her find that.
“Hi, Nurse Amy,” I smile at another nurse I recognize. “I’m here to see Jane.”
“Oh right.” Her face falls which instantly makes my blood run cold. “Erm, well Jane has actually asked for no visitors today. The treatment is making her sick and she just wants to rest.”
She’s being awkward, I can see it in her eyes, but that doesn’t make me feel any sympathy for her at all. I’m just pissed off. “Jane wouldn’t have meant me being a visitor. I’m her sister. She always wants to see me.”
Although, if I’m honest with myself, I don’t know if Jane has other visitors aside from me. She did in the beginning, when she was first brought into the hospital, but she played it down, telling people that she didn’t need them to come in, using her usual strength to hold her high… and as normal, people got on with their lives and eventually stopped coming. I don’t know how many people are aware that she’s still here.
“She actually said that applies especially to you. I know this sucks, and I hate to be the messenger here, but I think that Jane just needs some time to recover. Maybe come in tomorrow.”
I rake my fingers through my hair, a sense of desperation overcoming me. “No, that’s not right. Please, just let me see her. Just for a moment. This is because… well, she told me to get a life because I’m here so much, but that’s my wish. I want to be here, I want to take care of her. I need to see her.”
Hot tears burn behind my eyes, this is making me feel like shit. The urge to see my sister, to just know that she’s okay, is overwhelming. Any good feeling I had before is just sucked the hell away.
“Lexi, I can tell you now that Jane is fine. She’s doing well, she’s not falling apart, she just needs to rest. Unfortunately, I have to respect her wishes and do what’s best for her…”
“And what’s best for her is not seeing me?” I angrily brush a tear away. “That’s not right.”
“I’m sorry, Lexi, I don’t want to be the bearer of bad news, but this is how it is.”
She isn’t going to let me in. She really isn’t. This is fucked up. I have come all the way here and she isn’t allowing me to even see her. I can see that Nurse Amy feels the same way. After everything that I do for Jane, all I want is to be there for her and she won’t let me in?
“Is it because I’m later than normal? Is that why she doesn’t want to see me?”
The nurse shakes her head sadly. “No, she said it earlier today. It has nothing to do with time.”
Fuck. I clutch my stomach hard. I feel like I might throw up. Is this that Jane is trying to push me away? What if it’s because she knows that the treatment isn’t working? I know that everyone keeps telling me this sickness is normal, but it doesn’t feel that way to me. It scares the living shit out of me.
“So, she just doesn’t want to see me? I can’t even go in for a moment to say hello?”
“Perhaps try to contact her via the phone tonight and come tomorrow if she wants.”
“Tomorrow? So, I have to wait all night to see her again. To know that she’s okay.”
“She is fine. I can reassure you of that…” I can sense Nurse Amy getting desperate, but it’s nothing like I feel.
“But that’s you telling me, not me seeing it,” I whine. “And things can change quickly, can’t they? They didn’t with my mom, she went slowly, but not everyone is the same, are they? What if… what if…?”
“Someone from the hospital will be in touch with you the moment you are needed here.”
“Oh, and then I’ll be able to see her again, will I?” I snap, more nastily than I mean to.
“I’m sorry, Lexi, believe me, I don’t want to be in this position.” Her eyes dart left and right as she tries her hardest to find an escape route. “I wish that there was something I could do, but it isn’t my place…”
“I know.” I nod vigorously. “It’s not up to you to decide, it’s Jane’s wish, and she has chosen to push me away.”
“I don’t think that’s what she wants…”
“You don’t know what she wants though, do you?” I throw my hands in the air in frustration. “And nor do I. No one does aside from her. I keep trying and trying and now… I’m left out in the dark. And believe me, I hate this ‘poor me’ bullshit, I know that I don’t have anything to complain about but…”
“I understand, Lexi. This is very hard on relatives…”
“But harder on Jane. I know. So, I need to just leave.”
I turn away, unable to look at her anymore. It feels a bit like my whole world is falling apart as I stagger through the hospital hallways. The knowledge that my sister is inside, and I can’t see her is too much for me. I don’t know how I’m supposed to take that. It’s so shitty of Jane, she knows what she’s doing to me. I almost want to storm in there to give her hell… but of course I’m not going to do that. That wouldn’t be right. I’m not selfish like that, but it still really fucking hurts.
I race to the bathroom, unable to face the outside world yet because it feels like giving up. I grab on to the bathroom sink and just let the tears fall. The memory of losing my mom crushes down on me like a big weight. It hurts. Her lying there in that hospital bed, slipping away as me and Jane held her hands, trying to keep her going just that little bit longer. Even knowing that she was going to die and accepting that it was better for her than being in pain any longer, didn’t make the actual loss of her any easier.
“I love you both,” she whispered to us. “You have each other now.”
It was a comfort. Only a small one in such a terrible situation, but this time I will have no one. I don’t want to accept that Jane might die, it’s something that I’ will never ever be able to face. I have thought about it in a hypothetical way but only as an abstract concept. Now, it’s running over me like a painful tsunami, I can’t stop it from coming. The waves are washing over me, drowning me in agony, and there isn’t a damn thing I can do.
“Fuck,” I mutter through the tears. “Fuck, fuck, fuck. This time, I have no one…”
A scream bursts free from my chest. I don’t even know where it comes from, it just explodes. I scream and scream, trying to let all of the bad emotions out. I’m hoping that I will feel better afterwards. But I don’t. I don’t think that I will ever be able to feel better.
One of the toilet cubicles opens wide, making me jump. I thought that I was the only one in here. I step to one side and try an
d allow the sadness to subside a bit, but the dirty look that I get from the older woman tells me that she doesn’t give a shit what my situation is. She doesn’t approve of my behavior.
I probably am being a freak. Perhaps I would feel the same way as her if the roles were reversed.
“Sorry,” I whisper, choking through the sobs. “I’m just…”
“Not my problem.” She holds up her hand to stop me. “You do yours, let me do mine.”
I cock my head to one side curiously, wondering what her deal is. If the roles were reversed, I would definitely be a little more caring. I mean, it’s clear that I’m a mess and I could use an open ear. I might not want to talk to this stranger, but sometimes the offer is all that it takes.
“Yeah, right,” I bite back. “You do yours.”
She shoots me one last disapproving look before she leaves, basically making my next decision for me. I need to get out of here. They aren’t going to let me see Jane tonight, no matter what I do. And to be honest, the mood that I’m in right now isn’t good. I guess it’s for the best. I wouldn’t be good company for Jane.
If anything ever were to happen with Jane, it would destroy me to know that we fell out. Arguing isn’t helpful right now. We need to always be in a good place. I don’t have a lot of regrets when it comes to Mom now, I know that our lives were normal and the spats between a mother and teenage daughter is to be expected, but at the time, when she first passed away, all I could think about were the shittiest words I ever spoke.
I hated myself for a long while and I don’t want that again.
“It’s time to go,” I rasp to myself, staring at myself in the mirror. Or a woman that looks like me anyway. But I don’t see myself there at all. Just an empty shell with nothing there but a hollow numbness. “Go home.”
It’s with a heavy heart that I leave the hospital, and the tears continue to drip down my face as I go. The cold air hits me hard, causing the tears to turn in to sobs. Racking sobs that shatter through my whole body. My shoulders shake hard, a howl bursts from my chest, I want to collapse. It takes every part of inner strength that I have to keep going. I want to fall down and cry, I just don’t want the humiliation.
