Small Animals
Page 24
I watched Felix trace the view through the window with his finger. His finger ran the length of a cloud. His hand ran the width of a river. As I watched him, it occurred to me that whenever someone asked me why I was afraid of flying, I replied simply that I didn’t believe in it, in flight. I couldn’t believe in what seemed to me a miracle of supernatural dimensions, that human beings had found a way to lift ourselves into the sky and over the earth so cleanly. I didn’t have the imagination for it, or the optimism. But maybe I was wrong. If my eight-year-old son could believe in it, why couldn’t I? And was flight really any more of a miracle than this boy before me, once a nothing and soon a man?
Before he was anything, he’d been an idea inside me, an impulse, a feeling, a need and a want unmet. Pete and I had fallen in love on contact. We’d been walking along the Iowa River and I’d turned to him and said, “Wouldn’t it be fun to make people?” as though I were the first person in the world to think of it.
“Sure,” he said. “Okay.”
And so we did. Surely that was as much a miracle as any passenger jet, the willing into existence of this person beside me, the persistence of our desire to keep going, to make things better and new, to try again. If I could believe in that, as I did, surely I could believe in flight.
For a moment, I marveled at it—and as I marveled, my fear let go of me. Then I was flying too—untethered, unafraid. And that was when my son turned to me, as though sensing and bending toward my new courage. “Mom?” he said, because to him that’s what I am. “I want to be a pilot.”
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Enormous gratitude to my agent, Maria Massie, and to my editor, Whitney Frick, as well as Bryn Clark, Amelia Possanza, Bob Miller, and the team at Flatiron Books for all the hard work that brought this book into the world.
Thank you to Sarah Ahlm, Erin Anderson, Joel Best, Joy Crane, Debra Harrell, Julie Koehler, Emily Miller, David Pimentel, Diane Redleaf and her colleagues at the Family Defense Center, Lenore Skenazy, and all the parents who spoke with me, for sharing their stories and insight that proved invaluable along the way.
Thank you to all my friends and family for their love, patience, and support, but especially Ken, Maddy, and Sari Brooks, Ann Campbell, Ethan Canin, Kevin Clouther, Gwynne Johnson, Fredrick Meiton, Kiki Petrosino, Beth Remis, Kaethe Schwehn, Ralph and Nancy Segall, Amelia Shapiro, and Benjamin Wheelock.
Thank you to my friend and amazing first editor at Salon, Sarah Hepola, for teaching me how to tell stories from real life.
Thank you to the Michener-Copernicus Foundation, the Yaddo Corporation, the Virginia Center for the Creative Arts, and the Ragdale Foundation for the time and space.
A very special thank you to Roscoe, whose curiosity and warmth of spirit made this book possible. Thank you to Iris for the laughter and love.
Thank you to Pete for all of the above and for everything else.
NOTES
Please note that some of the links referenced throughout this work may no longer be active.
CHAPTER 1: THE DAY I LEFT MY SON IN THE CAR
That March, the spring that I: Judith Warner, Perfect Madness: Motherhood in the Age of Anxiety (New York: Riverhead Books, 2014).
Margaret Mead wrote: Margaret Mead, “On Being a Grandmother,” in Mother Reader: Essential Writings on Motherhood, ed. Moyra Davey (New York: Seven Stories Press, 2010), 31.
I hadn’t yet memorized: Christopher Ingraham, “There’s Never Been a Safer Time to Be a Kid in America,” Wonkblog, Washington Post, April 14, 2015, https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/wonk/wp/2015/04/14/theres-never-been-a-safer-time-to-be-a-kid-in-america/?utm_term=.29896e46fe59.
CHAPTER 2: PARENTHOOD AS A COMPETITIVE SPORT
She highlights the multitude: Julie Lythcott-Haims, How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kids for Success (New York: St. Martin’s Press, 2016), 7.
Likewise, in Playing to Win: Hilary Levey Friedman, Playing to Win: Raising Children in a Competitive Culture (Berkeley: University of California Press, 2016), 225.
“We create one for ourselves”: Lisa Belkin, “Unhappy Helicopter Parents,” New York Times, July 7, 2010, https://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/07/07/unhappy-helicopter-parents/?_r=0.
In 2008, 72 percent: Jennifer Senior, All Joy and No Fun: The Paradox of Modern Parenthood (New York: Ecco, 2015), 7.
As Adrienne Rich wrote: Adrienne Rich, Of Woman Born: Motherhood as Experience and Institution (New York: W. W. Norton & Company, 1995), 29.
She describes how together: Senior, All Joy and No Fun, 120.
She refers, for example: Viviana A. Rotman Zelizer, Pricing the Priceless Child: The Changing Social Value of Children (Princeton: Princeton University Press, 1994), 57.
As Hilary Levey Friedman explains: Friedman, Playing to Win, 13.
As Paula S. Fass writes: Paula S. Fass, The End of American Childhood: A History of Parenting From Life on the Frontier to the Managed Child (Princeton: Princeton University Press, 2016), 221.
In this manner, without: D’vera Cohn and Andrea Caumont, “7 Key Findings about Stay-at-Home Moms,” Pew Research Center, April 8, 2014, http://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2014/04/08/7-key-findings-about-stay-at-home-moms/.
If I’d been a citizen: Brigid Schulte, “The U.S. Ranks Last in Every Measure When It Comes to Family Policy, in 10 charts,” Washington Post, June 23, 2014, https://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/she-the-people/wp/2014/06/23/global-view-how-u-s-policies-to-help-working-families-rank-in-the-world/?utm_term=.9758defb2202.
The cost for families with: Bruce Covert, “Having a Child Will Bankrupt You,” Elle, January 25, 2017, http://www.elle.com/culture/career-politics/a42230/cost-of-child-care/.
In a study of eight states: Ibid.
CHAPTER 3: THE FABRICATION OF FEAR
Skenazy founded Free-Range Kids: Lenore Skenazy, “Why I Let My 9-Year-Old Ride the Subway Alone,” New York Sun, April 1, 2008, http://www.nysun.com/opinion/why-i-let-my-9-year-old-ride-subway-alone/73976/.
On her website, she devotes: Free-Range Kids.com.
In his book Paranoid Parenting: Frank Furedi, Paranoid Parenting: Why Ignoring the Experts May Be Best for Your Child (London: Continuum, 2008), 65.
“It is not surprising”: Ibid.
“Parents,” Stearns writes, “were increasingly”: Peter N. Stearns, Anxious Parents: A History of Modern Childrearing in America (New York: New York University Press, 2004), 190.
Alongside these changes arose: Ibid., 165.
Just as experts were warning: Ibid., 192.
These pressures continued to build: Nathaniel Branden, The Psychology of Self-Esteem: A Revolutionary Approach to Self-Understanding That Launched a New Era in Modern Psychology (San Francisco: Jossey-Bass, 2001), 42.
As William Deresiewicz says: William Deresiewicz, Excellent Sheep: The Miseducation of the American Elite and the Way to a Meaningful Life (New York: Free Press, 2015), 39.
“Perhaps it was the luxury”: Mona Simpson, “Beginning,” in Mother Reader: Essential Writings on Motherhood, ed. Moyra Davey (New York: Seven Stories Press, 2010), 243.
And in an article: Hanna Rosin, “The Overprotected Kid,” The Atlantic, April 2014, https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2014/04/hey-parents-leave-those-kids-alone/358631/.
Lerner postulated that people: Jonah Lehrer, “A Just World,” The Atlantic, September 1, 2009, https://www.theatlantic.com/daily-dish/archive/2009/09/a-just-world/196991/.
Burkeman cites as evidence: Oliver Burkeman, “Believing that life is fair might make you a terrible person,” The Guardian, February 3, 2015, https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/oliver-burkeman-column/2015/feb/03/believing-that-life-is-fair-might-make-you-a-terrible-person.
Mintz suggests that: Steven Mintz, Huck’s Raft: A History of American Childhood (Cambridge: Belknap Press, 2006), 339.
“Anxiety about the future”: Ibid., 173.
In 1986, NBC aired: Joel Best, Threatened Children: Rhetoric and Conc
ern About Child-Victims (Chicago: University of Chicago Press), 2.
“Parents could have their children fingerprinted”: Ibid., 22.
And none of these frequent: Ibid.
A 1986 national survey: Ibid., 2.
“They frighten parents, intensify generational estrangement”: Mintz, Huck’s Raft, 339.
Weingarten goes on to describe: Gene Weingarten, “Fatal Distraction: Forgetting a Child in the Backseat of a Car Is a Horrifying Mistake. Is it a Crime?,” Washington Post, March 8, 2009, https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/magazine/fatal-distraction-forgetting-a-child-in-thebackseat-of-a-car-is-a-horrifying-mistake-is-it-a-crime/2014/06/16/8ae0fe3a-f580-11e3-a3a5-42be35962a52_story.html?utm_term=.08bff6f51a9f.
Thirty-seven on average die: Based on US Census 2016 population estimates. Total US population: 323,127,513; persons under age five: 6.2 percent (19,387,650).
They are no longer afforded: Mona Simpson, “Beginning,” in Mother Reader: Essential Writings on Motherhood, ed. Moyra Davey (New York: Seven Stories Press, 2010), 243.
At this time, popular magazines: Best, Threatened Children.
“And it seems that movement”: Joel Best, from conversation with author.
“We think of nostalgia”: Best, Threatened Children, 8.
“What matters is that we now”: Joel Best, interviewed by author, August 6, 2015, Chicago.
“Salem’s congregations believed they”: Best, Threatened Children, 9.
Over the course of: Mintz, Huck’s Raft, 4.
Yet many child-rearing tracts: Ibid., 10.
Puritan parents’ fearfulness about: Ibid., 8.
As American families experienced: Ibid., passim.
“The future since 2008”: Deresiewicz, Excellent Sheep, 41.
If one sees fear: Furedi, Paranoid Parenting.
CHAPTER 4: NEGATIVE FEEDBACK
Surveys suggested that children: Jessica Grose and Hanna Rosin, “The Shortening Leash,” Slate, August 6, 2014, http://www.slate.com/articles/life/family/2014/08/slate_childhood_survey_results_kids_today_have_a_lot_less_freedom_than_their.html (October 31, 2017).
“What’s more surprising, however”: Barbara Sarnecka, interviewed by author, August 24, 2016, Chicago; Tania Lombrozo, “Why Do We Judge Parents for Putting Kids at Perceived—But Unreal—Risk?,” NPR.com, August 22, 2016, http://www.npr.org/sections/13.7/2016/08/22/490847797/why-do-we-judge-parents-for-putting-kids-at-perceived-but-unreal-risk.
Sarnecka’s colleague Kyle Stanford: Kyle Stanford, interviewed by author, September 1, 2017, Chicago.
“The increasing beliefs about”: Ibid.
Bloom laughed a little: Paul Bloom, interviewed by author, February 2, 2017, Chicago.
“And the part of our brain”: Barbara Sarnecka, interviewed by author, August 24, 2016, Chicago.
CHAPTER 5: SELF REPORT
In 2008, the CDC found: According to the safety organization Kids and Cars, for all ages the average number since 1998 is thirty-seven per year. This breaks down to thirty-four for ages zero to four, and two per year for ages five to fourteen; see section called “AGES” at http://noheatstroke.org/.
Congress settled on language: David Pimentel, interviewed by author, December 18, 2015, Chicago.
CHAPTER 6: WHAT A HORRIBLE MOTHER
“Those who can’t afford camps”: K. J. Dell’Antonia, “The Families That Can’t Afford Summer,” New York Times, June 4, 2016, https://www.nytimes.com/2016/06/05/sunday-review/the-families-that-cant-afford-summer.html?_r=0.
“Yes, sir,” she answers: See transcript on FreeRangeKids.com, http://www.freerangekids.com/watch-police-interrogate-the-mom-jailed-for-letting-her-daughter-play-at-park/.
“What did it mean”: Paula S. Fass, The End of American Childhood: A History of Parenting From Life on the Frontier to the Managed Child (Princeton: Princeton University Press, 2016), 55.
Fass describes how: Ibid., 83.
“Indeed, the middle classes defined”: Ibid., 82.
She told me that: Diane Redleaf, interviewed by author, August 4, 2016, Chicago.
“And they are making”; Ibid.
“You don’t have to be”: Debra Harrell, interviewed by author, August 17, 2016, Amherst, Virginia.
David Pimentel explained it this way: Pimentel interview.
“When you make it a crime”: Ibid.
“Does your husband know”: Whitney Armstrong, interviewed by author, October 15, 2015, New York.
She notes how the columnist: Judith Warner, Perfect Madness: Motherhood in the Age of Anxiety (New York: Riverhead Books, 2014), 110.
“I’m not about to be intimidated”: Julie Koehler, interviewed by author, September 21, 2016, Evanston, Illinois.
CHAPTER 7: QUALITY OF LIFE
“Motherhood has been elevated”: Heather Havrilesky, “Our ‘Mommy’ Problem,” New York Times, November 8, 2014, https://www.nytimes.com/2014/11/09/opinion/sunday/our-mommy-problem.html.
“A woman who was, perhaps”: Judith Warner, Perfect Madness: Motherhood in the Age of Anxiety (New York: Riverhead Books, 2014), 15.
“It appeared normal to them”: Ibid., 14.
“Anxiety is more about”: Emily F. Miller, interviewed by author, August 14, 2014, Chicago.
CHAPTER 8: GUINEA PIGS
“Because of parental fear”: Steven Mintz, Huck’s Raft: A History of American Childhood (Cambridge: Belknap Press, 2006), 348.
Sarnecka didn’t seem surprised: Barbara Sarnecka, interviewed by author, August 24, 2016, Chicago.
“This inability to cope”: Julie Lythcott-Haims, How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kids for Success (New York: St. Martin’s Press, 2016), 91.
“They have a right”: Sarnecka interview.
“We are not teaching”: William Deresiewicz, Excellent Sheep: The Miseducation of the American Elite and the Way to a Meaningful Life (New York: Free Press, 2015), 50.
“I mean, the experience”: Erin Anderson, interviewed by author, 2016, Chicago.
Arendt argues that this: Hannah Arendt, The Human Condition (Chicago: University of Chicago Press, 1958), 247.
Also by Kim Brooks
The Houseguest (a novel)
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Kim Brooks is a graduate of the Iowa Writers’ Workshop and a recipient of a Michener-Copernicus Fellowship. Her essays and stories have appeared in New York magazine, The Cut, Chicago Magazine, Salon, Lenny Letter, Glimmer Train, One Story, and elsewhere. Her novel, The Houseguest, was published in 2016. She lives in Chicago. You can sign up for email updates here.
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CONTENTS
Title Page
Copyright Notice
Dedication
Author’s Note
Epigraphs
PART I: FEAR ITSELF
1. The Day I Left My Son in the Car
2. Parenthood as a Competitive Sport
3. The Fabrication of Fear
4. Negative Feedback
5. Self-Report
PART II: THE COST OF FEAR
6. What a Horrible Mother
7. Quality of Life
8. Guinea Pigs
9. Small Animals
Acknowledgments
Notes
Also by Kim Brooks
About the Author
Copyright
Certain names and identifying characteristics have been changed, whether or not so noted in the text, and certain characters and events have been compressed or reordered.
SMALL ANIMALS. Copyright © 2018 by Kim Brooks. All rights reserved. For information, address Flatiron
Books, 175 Fifth Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10010.
www.flatironbooks.com
Earlier versions of some portions of this title were previously published by New York magazine.
Cover design by Keith Hayes
Cover photograph © King Lawrence / Getty Images
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Names: Brooks, Kim (Author and essayist), author.
Title: Small animals: parenthood in the age of fear / Kim Brooks.
Description: First Edition. | New York: Flatiron Books, [2018] | Includes bibliographical references.
Identifiers: LCCN 2017061165 | ISBN 9781250089557 (hardcover) | ISBN 9781250089564 (ebook)
Subjects: LCSH: Parenthood—United States. | Mother and child—United States. | Fear—United States. | Child welfare—United States.
Classification: LCC HQ755.8 .B753 2018 | DDC 306.874/3—dc23
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2017061165
eISBN 9781250089564