LizAnne

by Peggy Briggs Hannah

­LizAnne

  Peggy Hannah

  Copyright 2012 Peggy Hannah

  ~~~~~~~~~~

  My finger was pointed at the door bell. I hesitated and pulled my hand back. I pointed again and pushed the bell. I straightened my blouse, smoothed my hair, put on my best smile, and listened for any sounds inside the house. I waited. The door shot open. An angry-looking homeowner narrowed his eyes and glared at me.

  Okay, this might be a mistake, I thought, but I need this job! I took in a deep breath trying to compose myself. And with confidence, I began my practiced spiel.

  “Good morning and hello. I’m responding to the ad about a housekeeping position. I hope I’m not ringing your doorbell too early, it’s just that I wanted to get the earliest chance possible…oops, your robe, Sir, it’s a little open…okay, maybe I’ll come back later or I could call first. It’s just that I’m very anxious to land this job, uh, I mean talk to you about possible employment in your home. You see, not only am I an excellent housekeeper but also an immaculate keeper of lawns. I could keep your lawn perfect…mowing, weeding, fertilizing…I’m LizAnne, LizAnne Christie, here’s my business card,” I giggled. “I’ve always wanted to say that. I just made these business cards on the computer last night…you don’t think they’re too busy, do you? I have to admit, though, it’s a little hard reading my name and phone number through all the little pictures of apple pies and giant riding lawn mowers. It was my brother’s idea to put a Miss Universe ‘look-a-like’ waving as she weeds on all fours in the flower bed of somebody’s yard. He’s practically a genius when it comes to creative business card design at home, my brother, I mean. One look at my business cards and it makes you want to just jump right up and hire me, don’t you think? I’m sorry, we haven’t been formally introduced. I’m LizAnne Christie, my business card…oops, I think we’ve already done that.” I came up for air.

  “LizAnne Christie, nice to see you again.” The homeowner was running one hand through his hair and wiping his face with his other hand. Wait, what did he just say? Nice to see me again?

  “Now, LizAnne,” The homeowner tugged at his robe and began speaking again. “I’m sure it’s none of my business, we’ve only known each for the past twenty-something years. My late wife and I followed you and Ed Christie over the years as your pictures with Presidents, Secretaries of State, Heads of State appeared in newspapers, magazines, the news…yeah, Ed Christie was considered the front runner for the next candidate for Governor. I don’t get it, LizAnne, if you need a job, why not call one or two of Ed’s old cronies.”

  I lifted my chin, straightened my shoulders, and checked the back of my neckline ensuring that the discount store tag was neatly tucked inside. “Because, Sir, I’m here at your doorstep this very early morning begging you, I mean answering your ad in the paper for a reliable, efficient, frugal housekeeper.”

  The homeowner smiled, tucked his head, and scratched the back of his neck. “Well, LizAnne, I think my daughters might have had something to do with the ad about the housekeeper, however, I think that’s an excellent idea…won’t you please come inside and we’ll discuss your new duties as housekeeper of the Castillo household.”

  “Yes, thank you, Mr. Castillo.”

  “Richard, please, LizAnne, please call me Richard, after all it’s been twenty-something years.” Richard held the door and waved his hand for me to enter.

  Castillo? Richard? It dawned on me. “Oh my God, Richard Castillo?”

  Richard smiled and raised an eyebrow. “Oh, so you do remember me, LizAnne.”

  I smiled to myself. What’s not to remember. The absolutely best looking boy from high school and, now, twenty-something years later, absolute perfection in a man.

  ~~~~~~~~~~

  “Delicious coffee, Richard, but shouldn’t I be serving you…I do have the job, right?”

  “Of course you have the job, LizAnne, but why do you need a job?”

  “Well, let’s see, Richard.” I flung my hands aimlessly into the air and spoke with anger and disgust. “I guess the smooth-talking Eddie Christie forgot to raise funds for his own wife before they carted him off to jail.” I lowered my hands and took a minute to compose myself, hoping I hadn’t just lost the job I had just landed. Still embarrassed by my outrage, I added softly. “Richard, I was so sorry to hear about Celia…I’m so sorry.”

  Looking down into his cup of coffee, Richard whispered. “Thank you, LizAnne, it’s been two years now.”

  I reached over and placed my hand on Richard’s arm and with a consoling tone I asked, “Richard, how are your daughters? The last time I saw them…” I began laughing, “Celia was trying to ‘manage’ those adorable, big brown-eyed twins.” I held up two fingers in an attempt to air-quote the word ‘manage’.

  Richard looked up from his cup and smiled. “Jessica and Tia, LizAnne, all grown up, young women, students at the University.”

  “Wow, Richard, I guess it has been twenty-something years.” Richard nodded and we smiled, holding our gaze.

  Richard shot up from his chair. “Okay, LizAnne, can I get you some more coffee before we begin this interview?”

  “Yes, Richard, you really do look better with clothes on, not that you didn‘t look half-bad in your robe. I could fix that for you, you know.”

  “Fix what?”

  “Your robe, that hole, very distracting.”

  “Thank you, LizAnne, but that won’t be necessary.”

  “It wouldn’t take but a second, I’m a very good seamstress.”

  “Thank you, LizAnne, but let’s get back to the interview. Now, can you…”

  “You were always the best looking boy at Central High, Richard.”

  “Thank you, LizAnne. Now, can you…”

  “Why didn’t you ever ask me out?”

  “LizAnne, can you cook?” Richard asked in an irritated tone.

  “Oh, yes, Richard, I’m an excellent cook, and I love to bake…pies, cakes, that sort of thing.”

  “Well, LizAnne, I have to admit I do have a sweet tooth.”

  “Well, it certainly doesn’t show, Richard, you look just as fit as you did in high school. Why didn’t you ever ask me out on a date, Richard?” I shook my head from side to side with the palms of my hands in front of me doing a little dance. “I know, I know, you and Celia.” I placed my hands back in my lap, feeling a little embarrassed, but I had to ask. “So, Richard, was Celia the only girl you’ve ever been committed to or had, you know, a relationship with?”

  Richard was irritated with me. “LizAnne, can we stay focused here? The interview?”

  I sat up straighter to show my interest in the interview. “Of course, Richard, the interview.” I couldn’t help myself. “So, am I right, Celia was the only girl you’ve ever…”

  “LizAnne!” Richard shouted, taking me by surprise.

  “Oh, sorry, Richard, what else did you need to ask me?”

  ~~~~~~~~~~

  “Okay, LizAnne, first we’ll need to go to the bank and get you some kind of household account so you can keep groceries in the house and buy anything else for the house you need.”

  “Groceries okay, Richard, but what else should I be buying for your house?” I asked innocently.

  Richard began pacing, holding the bridge of his nose. “LizAnne, it was a dream of Celia’s to get the girls out of the city and into the country, but before we could finish fixing up our new house, this house, Celia became, well, she just wasn’t able to…I was insistent on the girls going ahead with starting their classes at the University.” Richard turned his back to me but not before I noticed the tears in his eyes. “LizAnne, I’d like to see this house finished the way Celia would have wanted it.”

  I nodded and, in my most compassionate voice, I
spoke with understanding, “Yes, Richard, the way you and Celia would have wanted it for the girls, their future families…” My compassion vanished like a ghost when I screamed like a living human being. “Oh my God, who’s this?” A yellow tornado hit Richard’s living room and I was holding on for dear life.

  “LizAnne, meet Ruby, last year‘s Christmas gift from Jessica and Tia…my eighty-pound Yellow Lab who loves a lot of attention.” Richard was smiling with pride as he patted his beloved companion.

  I laughed and held onto my seat as the beautiful dog nudged, poked, and licked my face and arms. After she settled a bit, I cupped her sweet face and in a baby-like tone, I assured her, “And you’ll get lots of attention from Aunt LizAnne now that I’ll be home with you all day, Sweet Ruby. Yes, you will. Yes, you will.”

  ~~~~~~~~~~

  Richard pulled into the bank parking lot and I felt he had to know. So in my happy tone of voice I informed him, “You know, Richard, I worked at this bank before I married Eddie.”

  Richard was totally uninterested and I thought I saw him roll his eyes. “Really, LizAnne, that’s really something.”

  I was sure if I kept talking I could interest him in my bank work history. “Yes, Richard, I probably would have become branch manager but Eddie said I was too pretty to be a banker so I married him instead.”

  “Fascinating, LizAnne. What did you do at the bank before you almost became branch manager?”

  “New accounts representative, yes, I opened all new accounts, certificates of deposit, safety deposit boxes, IRAs, sold tickets to upcoming special events in town, and one year I was in charge, totally in charge, Richard, I’m talking I was the boss of the whole bank’s golf tournament. Do you have any idea how much work goes into planning a golf tournament, not to mention my regular duties as new accounts representative, opening all new accounts, certificates of deposit, safety deposit boxes…”

  “LizAnne!” Richard shouted, looking a little surprised by his own outburst.

  “What, Richard?” I asked innocently.

  And in a more good-natured manner, he asked, “Are you ready to go inside the bank now?”

  “Of course, Richard, what’s the hold up? Oh, ‘hold up’, I said ‘hold up’, I shouldn’t have said ‘hold up’ while we’re sitting in front of a bank. That’s funny, don’t you think, Richard, that I would have said ‘hold up’. Whoa, we could land in the jail cells next to Eddie‘s. Now that’s funny, don’t you think, Richard…‘hold up’?” I couldn’t stop giggling.

  Richard was gripping the steering wheel with both hands looking straight ahead and with a firmness in his voice, he asked again, “LizAnne? Ready to go inside?”

  ~~~~~~~~~~

  “LizAnne, after you and Richard finish up with Barbara and the new household account, I’d like to see you in my office,” the bank manager requested.

  “Okee-dokey, Karl, what about?”

  “We’ll talk when you and Richard are finished. See you soon, LizAnne.”

  “Okay, Karl, see you soon.” I smiled my biggest smile at Karl.

  I leaned over to whisper, “Psst…Richard!”

  He mocked me, “Psst, what LizAnne?”

  Still whispering, I asked, “What do you think Karl wants to talk to me about? Oh my God, Richard, I’m scared…he’s the bank’s branch manager and he wants to talk to me, and what do you think he meant by ‘see you soon’?”

  Richard looked at me confused. “LizAnne, why would you be scared?”

  “Richard, keep your voice down!” I whispered.

  “What…why?”

  “Aren’t you paying attention, Richard, the bank’s branch manager wants to talk to me, I must have done something wrong years ago when I worked here. Richard, maybe Karl found out I did something wrong when I worked here and now he’s going to talk to me about it and now I‘m in trouble. I know, it was one of those IRAs. Richard, it‘s not my fault, those IRAs aren‘t easy to set up, especially on the computer, you have to know the codes and any incorrect entry…”

  “LizAnne! Richard shouted-whispered. “You don‘t work here anymore, so I‘m pretty sure you‘re not in trouble about any IRA or anything else.”

  “Richard, will you go into Karl’s office with me, please, Richard, I’m terrified!” I pleaded.

  Richard shook his head and looked at me annoyingly. “LizAnne there’s nothing to be terrified about.”

  “Okay, Richard, I’m not terrified…just a little scared. Richard, please come with me, you can be my alibi.”

  “Your what?” He shouted.

  “Sssh! My alibi, Richard, we‘ll blame it on Barbara…oh wait, she didn‘t work here then. Please, Richard, I need you.”

  Richard rolled his eyes, patted my hand, and conceded, “Sure, LizAnne, I‘ll go with you when you talk to Karl.”

  “Shush, Richard, here comes Barbara so please stop your babbling.”

  ~~~~~~~~~~

  “Richard, are you sure she’s okay, she keeps mumbling something about IRAs.” Karl looked worriedly at me across his desk.

  “Yeah, Karl, she’s just in shock. And, Karl, under the circumstances I think you need to report this to the police.”

  “Yeah, Richard, I’m on it.”

  “No, Richard!” I screamed, coming out of my semi-comatose state. “Richard! No police! Please, Karl, it was an honest mistake, I just never got the hang of those IRAs and….”

  Karl interrupted my tirade, “Oh, okay, LizAnne, it’s not a problem.” Karl continued with a consoling voice, “Richard, you and LizAnne just stay here in my office as long as you need.” He excused himself from his office, patting Richard on the back as he left.

  Richard nodded. “Thanks, Karl.”

  “LizAnne?” Richard spoke softly while he lifted my chin.

  I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. “Richard, please, no police, it was an honest mistake.”

  Richard took my hand. “LizAnne, listen to me carefully. This isn’t something about an IRA you opened for someone years ago.”

  “I know, Richard, but those codes are so confusing.” I sniffled.

  Still holding my hand Richard reached for a tissue from the box on Karl’s desk. He continued to speak softly. “LizAnne, listen to me. Ed left you some money in a safety deposit box…”

  Blowing my nose, I answered, “I know, Richard, I opened that safety deposit box for Eddie myself, years ago, that’s how we met and he told me I was too pretty…”

  “LizAnne!” I detected a bit of annoyance in Richard’s voice again.

  “What, Richard?” I sniffled and blew my nose again.

  “Ed left you some money…”

  I began babbling, “I know, Richard, five-hundred thousand dollars, five hundred thousand dollars in cash, in a safety deposit box, right here, waiting for me. Richard, I could pay off the mortgage. Richard, please tell Karl to pay off the mortgage so I can move back into my own home.”

  Richard’s voice became sweet and caring again. “LizAnne, we need to find out where that money came from first, besides I don’t want you living in that big house by yourself. And, there’s something else…”

  “There’s nothing else, Richard, Eddie did try to provide for me…he does love me.”

  “LizAnne!” The annoyance was back.

  “But Richard, Eddie was trying to provide for me…he does love me.”

  “Dammit, LizAnne! You don’t need Ed’s dirty money, you have everything you need right at home with me, end of discussion.”

  I did not like his bossy attitude at all. “I’d like to end the discussion, if you don’t mind, Mr. Employer.”

  Richard stood up, dropping my hand and tossing his hands into the air. “Go right ahead, LizAnne, start the discussion, have the middle of the discussion, and end the discussion. Go ahead, I’m waiting.”

  “Well, Mr. Employer, I’d rather have a start, middle and end of discussion with Ruby, if you don’t mind.”


  Richard tossed his hands into the air again. “No, I don’t mind at all! As soon as we get home you and Ruby can have a nice discussion!”

  ~~~~~~~~~~

  “If you hadn’t given all of my money to the police, Richard, they wouldn’t be towing my car away right now.”

  “LizAnne, just drive my other car for a while until we can figure all this out.”

  “I don’t want to drive your other car, I like my car…what kind of other car is your other car, and don’t you have to get back to work?”

  “No, I’m staying right here with you this afternoon, you’ve have a tough morning.”

  “I’ve had a tough morning?” I snapped. “I’ve had a tough morning because of you, Richard. First, you give all my money away and then you allow some strangers to take my car away. You think I’ve had a tough morning, Richard? Hey, Richard, talk about tough, wait until you taste tonight’s dinner! Ha! Talk about tough! Ha!”

  ~~~~~~~~~~