The Duet

by D'Angelo, Jennifer

  He took it all. Listened to every word I said without fighting back, or defending himself. It only pissed me off more. I wanted him to react; get mad, tell me to go to hell, something. But that stony silence and that unreachable green-eyed stare was all that I got. That and the only five words that he spoke to me; words that I would dissect for weeks, and never come any closer to understanding. “I’m not what you need.”

  After that night, he and I entered in to some unspoken agreement. We would co-exist as two of Cooper’s best friends, but we would interact directly as seldom as possible. It seemed to work just fine.

  Until tonight.

  Singing that duet with Jay, cracked something open in me. I had held my feelings for him at bay for a long time, but that wasn’t really feasible anymore. We had a bond; it was indefinable and unexplainable, and he could deny it and run away from it all he wanted, but it would still be there.

  I just wished there was a way I could make him see it.

  19

  Jay put the finishing touches on the song, and looked it over one last time with a critical eye. He had mixed feelings about unveiling it tonight. On one hand, he felt it was an invasion of his privacy, but on the other, he was almost relieved to finally see something he wrote come to fruition – something a little more creative than the last original of his he’d allowed to be performed on that stage. And there were no two people he trusted it more to, than Izzy and Cooper. They would do the composition justice tonight on stage; that he knew.

  He handed Izzy the sheet with his changes – a chord progression in the bridge and a few tweaked lyrics – and watched her face as she looked it over. She had a blank expression, and just nodded when she was finished.

  “Are you ready for this?” she asked, quietly enough so that Cooper couldn’t hear from where he was adjusting a microphone a few feet away.

  “I guess I have to be,” Jay said.

  She was about to say something else when the doors burst open and the rest of the band entered the club, in their usual boisterous way.

  The UnAmused warmed up for about an hour, going over a few of the newer songs they’d added to the set list. Izzy sat on the stage throughout the practice, dangling her legs off the edge, with a pair of noise cancelling headphones, trying to memorize the new song. Jay was distracted the entire time, watching her concentrate on words that may or may not have been inspired by her in the first place.

  When it was time for her to join the practice, Cooper threw a pick at her to get her attention. She stood up, rubbing her hands together, and gave Jay a brief glance before joining Cooper at the center of the stage. Since it was an acoustic number, the rest of the band went down to the bar to pilfer some of Darden’s liquor before he showed up and kicked their asses.

  It took about three or four runs before the song was as good as it was going to get. Jay was happy with the way it sounded, but there was a little part of him that said it could have been better. Cooper’s voice was higher than Jay’s, and on the screechy side, more like the higher range of an Axl Rose. It didn’t compliment the smooth deeper tones of Izzy’s voice. But it was good enough. The crowd would love it.

  Later that night, after Izzy was finished with her set, Jay was finishing up his pre-performance ritual with a leisurely cigarette.

  “Does that really help?” she asked, sneaking up behind him.

  He stubbed the half-burned butt out with his foot. “Does what help?”

  She waved an arm around in a circle. “This whole bit you do to alleviate stage fright. Does it do any good?”

  “Not really,” he said honestly. “But it makes Cooper feel better, so I do it for his sake.”

  She nodded once as if that was the answer she expected him to say.

  “It’s not so much that I’m afraid to perform. I just feel exposed sometimes. And I don’t like it.”

  “I get it.”

  “You do? But you’re the complete opposite of me. You and Cooper. You shine in a spotlight.”

  “But it’s not really me that they’re seeing. It’s this persona. And because of that, I don’t feel like anyone can see anything I don’t want them to. When you’re out there, you are exposed, because it’s the one time you can’t hide who you really are.”

  Izzy backed away, and Jay only had a moment to try and digest what she’d just said before he was summoned to the stage. For the first two songs, he tried to focus on the music, but his head kept getting twisted around Izzy. He shook it off and by the middle of the first set he was back on track, pouring his heart out into every riff and every harmonized note with Cooper. He even started to feel like he was having fun up there.

  Until his best friend completely dropped a bombshell, and Jay felt his heart drop down into his boots.

  “We’re gonna take it down a beat here for a minute.” The crowd started grumbling, and Cooper soldiered on. “I think you’re gonna like this one, folks. It’s been awhile since we’ve performed an original up here at the club, but tonight, as an extra special treat, we’re gonna hear Izzy and The UnAmused’s own Jay Archer team up for a song that will surely knock your socks off! So give it up for Izzy Delaney and that somber hooligan with the mad guitar skills, performing an original song called “Don’t”. Come on, people. Let me feel some love!”

  The crowd went absolutely bonkers, but all Jay could see was Izzy walking out on stage with a smile pasted on her face, but a deer in the headlights look in her eyes. He barely had time to be downright terrified over the fact that he was about to sing in front of a crowd for the first time ever, or that the song he was going to sing was so deeply personal to him, he wasn’t sure he could do it. Someone carried two stools out to the middle of the stage, another person handed him his acoustic guitar and the microphones were adjusted as he blindly sat next to Izzy.

  There was no way out of this.

  The audience settled down, and the club was about as quiet as it could possibly get when more than three hundred people filled the space. He knew they were waiting for him to begin, but his hands felt like stone against the smooth finish of his guitar. He knew better than to look at Izzy, but he could feel her looking at him, waiting with everyone else, to see what he would do.

  As if he had risen out of his own body and someone else had taken over, he began to play the intro. Izzy’s voice came in on cue, strong and confident, pulling out all the stops with inflection that dripped emotion. He joined in at the tail end of the first verse, then they sang the first chorus together, and still he managed to look anywhere but at her face.

  He bent his head low over his guitar, then raised his head with his eyes closed as his verse began. He stopped worrying what everyone would think or how they might judge him, and he sang as if he and Izzy were the only ones in the room. As if she – the intended recipient – was the only one to hear his words.

  I’m not what you need

  Can’t be what you’re hoping for

  Her voice joined his again, but this time it sounded different; more raw, less steady. He finally let himself look at her and his heart nearly stopped.

  Don’t leave, don’t stay

  Don’t push me away

  Don’t smile, don’t cry

  Don’t say goodbye

  Don’t think you can fix me

  Don’t try

  That connection that he’d always suspected they had with one another, was more evident than ever. Only this time he felt trapped; a prisoner to those pale lavender eyes that seemed to look right past all his walls, deep into his soul.

  It made sense after all. She knew him better than anyone. He had written things to her about himself that he had never spoken aloud, nor even hinted to anyone else; including his clueless shrink who’d patted himself on the back for “fixing” Jay during his stint at rehab. As if anyone as messed up as he was, could be fixed in just six weeks.

  The song ended and there was a weird moment where no one reacted. He barely noticed though, as he sat there like a statue staring into
Izzy’s face. And then pandemonium broke loose. The crowd was screaming and cheering, and Cooper was patting him on the back and hugging Izzy, who collapsed against him like a rag doll. The rest of the band came back out and took their places. The stools were whisked away, and Jay’s other guitar was delivered. The next song started and they were off.

  But Jay didn’t miss the look on Izzy’s face as she ran off the stage and disappeared into the crowd. She was as affected as he was by that song.

  20

  When Jay opened his apartment door on Sunday morning to go for a run, the last thing he expected was to have flashbulbs going off in his face. He was pulling on a t-shirt as he opened the door, and he froze for a moment on the threshold, completely dumbfounded – a perfect photo opportunity for those who made a living at that sort of thing – before coming to his senses and slamming the door behind him.

  “What the fuck!”

  Cooper chose that moment to walk out of his bedroom, yawning and scratching himself unselfconsciously.

  “What’s wrong?” he asked, reaching for the orange juice in the frig, which he drank out of the container.

  “There’re people outside there. People taking pictures. Of me, for Christ sake. Why would anyone take a picture of me leaving my apartment for a run on a Sunday morning?”

  “No shit, really?” Cooper put the juice down, and ran over to the window. As soon as he parted the blinds, Jay could see the activity pick up outside. They must’ve seen him. But why were they even there?

  Cooper ran into his room and came back out seconds later with his laptop flipped open. “Dude, this can’t be right,” he said.

  Jay narrowed his eyes at his friend. Somehow he knew that he wasn’t going to like the answer to his next question. “What did you do?”

  Cooper didn’t look up, and he didn’t answer right away. “Four hundred fifty-two thousand views,” he muttered.

  Jay snatched the laptop away from him, and immediately went pale. There, playing on the screen in bold living color, was his performance with Izzy at the club last night. And sure enough, the YouTube video had close to a half a million views and was climbing as he sat there watching in horror.

  He snapped the lid shut and tossed the laptop toward the couch. It missed and crashed to the floor, but Jay barely noticed. “Why the hell would you put that up?” He said, rounding on Cooper. “Does Izzy know about this?”

  “No, man. I wanted to tell both of you, but she disappeared and you were kind of acting like a dick after the show.”

  “Maybe I was acting like a dick because you blindsided me by tricking me in to singing that shit in the first place. It was supposed to be you and Izzy. I didn’t ask for this.”

  Cooper shrugged and held his hands out to his side. “Look, it was Trisha’s idea to put it on YouTube. I tried to talk her out of it at first, but when I thought about it, it made sense. You should have heard what people were saying about you guys. And I guarantee I wasn’t the only one recording it. Eventually someone else would have put it out there. You just can’t keep something that good under wraps for long.”

  “A couple of people sharing a grainy video of some band they saw on a Saturday night, is a hell of a long way from the circus outside. How does something like this even happen?”

  “It’s nuts, right? You and Izzy could probably make some money off this. I mean, did you see all those reporters out there?”

  Jay pulled his hands through his hair in frustration. Cooper just didn’t get it. Jay was a private person. He could barely manage walking out on stage when he was just performing in the background. To be the center of attention, especially this kind of attention, was unthinkable for him.

  He knocked on Izzy’s door. She needed to know about this right away. He had no idea how she would react, but if he had to guess, he’d say she wouldn’t be happy. As much as she shined onstage and loved to be the center of attention, he didn’t think this was what she wanted. Nor would she be too thrilled about being linked to him in such a public way.

  Izzy didn’t answer, so Jay opened the door slowly. He had no idea what to say, but he’d figure it out. She wasn’t in her room. Her bed was rumpled, but that didn’t mean she’d slept there.

  “Did she come home last night?” He whirled on Cooper who was looking at the laptop again.

  “Huh?”

  “Cooper, focus! Did you see Izzy after the show?”

  “Uh, hmmm. Not sure, man. I was pretty out of it, ya know?”

  Jay didn’t have time to deal with Cooper’s shit right now. He grabbed his wallet, phone and keys, and without another word, surged through the front door. It wasn’t as bad as it had looked outside – there were maybe a half dozen people gathered near the door of his apartment – but it was still bad enough. He ignored all the shouts, not even hearing the stupid questions they threw at him, and sped away, almost running over one brave and ballsy soul who jumped in front of his car. He tried to call Izzy, but she didn’t answer. He had no idea where to even start looking for her.

  He kept driving, using the time to try to get his head on straight. Maybe he was overreacting about this whole thing. So what if their stupid little video went semi-viral. Shit like this happened every day. It wasn’t like he and Izzy were going to instantly become so famous they could never go out in public again. This was just a passing thing. It would blow over in a couple of days. Until then, he would lay low, and life would go on as normal.

  He tried Izzy’s phone again. It went straight to voicemail. It was after ten now, so he stopped in the store she worked, only to be informed that she had quit a week ago. He didn’t know why he was surprised that she hadn’t told him. It wasn’t like they ever talked to each other about anything substantial.

  Had she spent the night somewhere else? He wondered if she even knew about the video. Maybe she hooked up with some guy and she was still with him right now. He started recounting in vivid detail, every one of the four and a half minutes of that song. The shaky, nauseous feeling in his gut, the way the whole room seemed to disappear when her voice hit the first note, and the look in her eyes at the end. Had he imagined it all?

  A half a million people would testify that he hadn’t.

  Frustrated and with nowhere to go, Jay pointed the car west. He called Cooper on the off chance that Izzy had gone home, but Cooper hadn’t seen her. Twenty minutes later, he was knocking on the O’Donnell’s door.

  “Jay,” Mrs. O’Donnell said as she swung the door open. He stepped inside and she put both her hands on his cheeks and gave him a look that spoke volumes. Not only did she know about the viral video, she knew he wasn’t okay with it.

  He followed her into the kitchen, the lingering smell of bacon and coffee in the air, and stopped short when he saw Izzy sitting at the table, her hands cradling a cup of tea. She had either been crying, or hadn’t slept all night. Her eyes were puffy and her face void of any makeup. Her usually wild bright red hair, was straight and tame, tucked behind her ears. She looked beautiful and vulnerable, and not happy to see him.

  His legs somehow carried his body to the seat across from hers. A plate of bacon and scrambled eggs materialized in front of him, which he ignored. And Mrs. O’Donnell discreetly left the room. He was alone with Izzy, and she was staring at him vacantly.

  “You heard?” he asked softly.

  She nodded and he watched her neck move as she swallowed. “Cooper called here about ten minutes ago. I left my phone at the club last night.”

  “You were already here?”

  “I spent the night in Michelle’s old room.”

  He nodded as if it made perfect sense, but he was confused as hell. She sipped her tea once, than pushed it aside. He picked at his bacon and stared at his hands. The silence stretched on.

  “Did you know that I answered every one of those letters you wrote me while you were in rehab?” she asked suddenly.

  “What?” Jay looked up.

  Izzy nodded. “I did. I knew I couldn’t mail
them to you, but I answered them as if you would get them. I kept them, hoping to give them to you when you came back.”

  Jay was blown away. “Why didn’t you? Give them to me, I mean.”

  “Well, for one, you were otherwise occupied those first few weeks back. And then, after that night where I yelled at you and humiliated myself, I realized that those letters represented a little piece of my heart, and as long as I held on to them… well…”

  “Izzy,” Jay ran his hand across his cheek, trying to form something coherent to say. Mostly, he just wanted her to stop talking, because what she was saying was killing him.

  “Don’t say anything. I know how hard it is for you. I know that the only way you can express yourself is through the words you write, and now I know that it’s also through music. Last night I came over here, not knowing where else to go. I didn’t want to be alone, I didn’t want to be around anybody. So Mrs. O’Donnell let me sulk in peace, vent for a little while, and try to sort out my head.

  “I thought I was okay. But then this morning, Cooper called here. And I knew that I was in big trouble. Because the first thing that popped into my head when I heard the news, wasn’t how cool it was or how excited I felt at having so many people see me sing. No, the first thing I thought was how you would feel. And I knew right then, I could hold on to those stupid letters forever, it didn’t matter. You already have my whole heart, dammit. And I’m not really sure I’m happy about that.”

  It was all just too much. Jay’s head was swimming in Izzy’s declaration, and he needed to get the hell out before he drowned. Had he had a pen, he could probably start scribbling away an honest response, but face to face, he felt like a complete clod. He didn’t look away from her, that much he owed her. He only hoped his face would express something resembling what he felt.