If I Fall...: Will You Forgive Me? (Angelore Saga Book 2)

by Jennifer Christy

  “The brother has feelings for you, it is obvious, but he can’t have you unless he falls, too. Did you know that?” Drogo asked. She did not respond.

  “But, you can’t decide if you want to love this Angel and have him forsake what he is for you, can you?” he said accusingly. JD felt the horrible truth of her feelings erupt inside. “Or,” he added, “you can give yourself to me, and I’ll give you whatever you want in the world.” He smiled as if pleased with the idea.

  “Stop it, fiend,” she whispered.

  He laughed; a thick rolling sound, full of wicked intent that sent shivers down her spine.

  “Me? A fiend?” He laughed again. “You gave your heart to a Fallen, and now you toy with the feelings of an Angel, tempting him to forsake all that he is. Who is the fiend here? Hmmm?” His eyes flashed red. She gaped at him unable to come up with a suitable response to his accusations.

  He cocked his head and looked at her curiously, then touched her cheek. “I should have seen it earlier,” he whispered. “But there is something about you, something that has been hidden so well, even from yourself.”

  “Don’t,” JD warned, turning her head away. She couldn’t stand his touch.

  “I need to open your eyes, sweet child,” he said as he leaned over her, bare inches from touching her. She backed up, but was hindered by the wall at her back. Drogo pressed his long frame against her, and opened his mouth, drawing in a deep breath as if tasting her scent. Suddenly he kissed her cheek, just below her left eye. She jerked back in surprise.

  “Nephilim,” he whispered, and with a wink, he disappeared like a flash out the front door.

  JD clapped a hand over her cheek. The skin burned where his lips had grazed her skin. She drew back her hand, expecting to see blood or something vile. There was nothing. She turned to look in the reflection of the microwave oven door, but could see nothing that would suggest her skin had been marred in anyway. She went to the sink and washed it, but the burning sensation lingered.

  She placed the glass of orange juice against her cheek. That helped some as she sat down at the table, pondering over Drogo’s last words. Had he just called her a Nephilim? JD refused to accept that, to accept anything Drogo had said. In her limited experience with Fallens, she knew well that they were full of deception. She rubbed at her cheek; it still burned. She had to get out.

  It was still so early. JD knew that it would be hours before Missy would arouse herself from her post-holiday stupor. JD considered her options. She could stay in her apartment all day, which she felt sure would drive her insane, or she could go to the beach to walk along the ocean and sort through her feelings, despite Nathan’s warning.

  It was Christmas Day, and the streets were, for the most part, quiet, but the beaches were busy. JD found a bench near the walkway at Venice Beach and was lost in thought until someone walked past her field of vision, interrupting her view of the ocean. To her astonishment, she could see bright lights encircling that person. Another person crossed in front of her and she saw dark shadows clinging to them. As she studied the people coming and going, she further discovered that those with lights sparkling about them had bright eyes and smiles and carried themselves confidently, while others seemed to invite the darkness to them by methods she wasn’t sure she understood.

  One man, who was walking his dog, had the thickest, darkest mist around him that left trails of black, wispy vapor as he walked, causing JD to shudder. Then a group of teenagers skated by with long hair and sullen looks. Some of them glowed, but most of them were shrouded in grey. The people with the brightest lights were always children under the age of ten or so. Even those that were disabled seemed to have an extra glow of light about them.

  “I told you to stay close to Missy,” she heard a voice say in her ear. JD didn’t even flinch. It was like he had sent a silent proclamation of his arrival before he even spoke. She turned her head as Nathan came around the bench and sat next to her, eyeing her accusingly.

  “She was sleeping, and I was bored. I had to get out,” JD mumbled, crossing her arms, wishing she had brought a sweater. The cool ocean breezes made it feel like it was near freezing, and for the first time, she longed for the heat of the desert.

  “Well, it’s a good thing I came back when I did,” Nathan admonished. JD cast him a wary glance.

  “What took you so long?”

  Nathan gave her a withering look.

  “Still haven’t captured Matthew and the False One?” she asked, pressing her lips together to hide her grin. Nathan tilted his head away and gave her a wary expression.

  “No,” he said with a slight grin.

  “I have to ask you something,” she said, sitting straighter and leaning toward him.

  “What?”

  “How does an angel become a Fallen?”

  Nathan shook his head and frowned in confusion. “Why do you want to know?”

  “I just want to understand how it happens. How did Matthew do it?”

  Nathan looked like he was weighing her request against his better judgment.

  “C’mon,” she begged. “I need answers.”

  Nathan gave a short sigh and replied reluctantly. “An angel becomes a Fallen by degrees of choices. It doesn’t happen overnight.”

  “No, I mean, what actions are necessary for an angel to fall?”

  Nathan swallowed and looked thoughtful for a moment before answering. “He makes the decision, and then he must commit a crime that would prove his intentions. Corruption of an innocent is the preferred method. And, usually, it is through taking the innocence of someone that gives him power. It brings other Fallens and evil to him. The more darkness he absorbs, the faster he changes. Matthew’s transformation was slow and calculated so no one would suspect his intentions.”

  “Can a Fallen ever be redeemed?” she asked. Nathan looked thoughtfully at her, the intensity made her self-conscious.

  “Perhaps,” he began slowly, “but not likely. It would take a great deal of will power to extract oneself from the darkness. I’ve never heard of it being done before.”

  “But it is possible?” she persisted.

  “Maybe.”

  JD turned away from him and returned to her observations, deep in thought.

  “Why do you ask?”

  “No reason. I was just wondering,” she replied softly as she watched a young couple with a baby stroll by. There was a powerful bright light surrounding the infant and it made JD squint against it.

  “You were thinking of Matthew, weren’t you?” he asked. JD heard something in his voice that made her think she had wounded him.

  She leveled her gaze at him. “Yes. So? He deserves another chance.”

  Nathan’s look took on a hard edge. He obviously didn’t like what she had said, but he did not reply. She returned to watching people, squinting and blinking at times.

  “What are you looking at?” Nathan inquired, noticing the intensity of her concentration.

  “The people,” JD said, “I can see lights about some of them and darkness around others. I don’t know how that happened.”

  Nathan cocked his head to one side and looked at her closely. “What’s that next to your eye?” He touched her cheek lightly. JD rubbed at the spot and said, “Why? What do you see?”

  “A black smudge, like you rubbed charcoal there. Santa Clause bring you coal for Christmas?”

  JD scowled at him, “No. Drogo kissed me.” She rubbed at the spot.

  “What?”

  “Its not what you think,” she said quickly. “Is it gone?”

  Nathan leaned forward to look more closely at the spot. “Fiend,” he said vehemently.

  “Yeah, that’s what I said. What did he do to me?” she asked.

  “You’re collecting bad marks, Julia. I wish you’d stop it,” he growled.

  “You were the one that told me to stick close to him,” she shot back. She remembered the mark on her hand and showed it to Nathan.

  “Matthew ha
d a mark like this, too. The last time I saw him, it was bigger. It had another ring around it.”

  Nathan nodded. “That is a symbol of his rank in the False One’s legion. Each foul deed he committed, added to his ranking.”

  “So I am marked as a member of the legion?” JD asked quietly.

  Nathan exhaled heavily and rubbed his thumb over the mark. “Right now, that symbol alone means the False One has claimed you.”

  “How do I get it off?”

  “I don’t know,” he said, “I’ve been so busy, I haven’t taken the time to find out.”

  “What about this?” She pointed to her cheek where Drogo had kissed her.

  “Drogo probably sensed the False One’s mark on you and he has just declared war by marking you, too. He has given you the Fallen’s ability to find Mortal prey. Those with darkness around them are consumed with negative thoughts, worry, doubt, and fear making them easy targets for Fallens to feast on,” Nathan explained reluctantly, clearly not appreciating Drogo’s gift.

  “Fallens eat people?”

  Nathan laughed. “Eating is not quite the right word. It’s not like they actually eat. They absorb people’s life energies. The darker the energies the Mortals produce, the better. Fallens will entice Mortals into harmful addictions in order to create the energies needed to sustain them. The darker the Mortal, the better for the Fallens.”

  “But what about the Guardians? Can’t they stop Fallens from doing that?” JD asked.

  “Guardians can only warn their wards. It’s up to the wards to listen and act. A person can have a Fallen hanging on to them for years, slowly draining the life out of them, but ultimately, it’s the person’s own choices that allowed the Fallens to have access to them. If people want the darkness, there’s not much a Guardian can do. It’s called agency, Julia. It’s the most precious gift Mortals have,” Nathan said.

  JD reflected on that. After allowing her a few moments of contemplation, he said “Do you want me to remove it?”

  “No,” she said quickly. “I want to keep it.”

  Nathan didn’t look pleased about that, and JD lowered her head. “For a little while, at least, I want to understand.”

  “What did Drogo say to you?” Nathan asked. JD glanced up at him.

  “How do know he said anything to me?”

  “Because you obviously saw him and you are troubled. Your eyes are kind of dark right now and when I left you last night, you were smiling,” Nathan replied matter-of-fact.

  Her cheeks flushed red. Had she fallen asleep with a smile on her face?

  “Drogo said I have darkness, here,” she motioned vaguely toward her heart.

  Nathan looked at her and slowly nodded. “I know. It’s because of Matthew. He has marked you−body and soul.”

  “What? Why do people keep wanting to mark me? How do I get rid of it?” she asked in alarm. Nathan looked at her helplessly, “You attract them, I guess, Julia. You must have a connection to Matthew for that mark to still be on your heart.”

  JD caught her breath. “I don’t love him, Nathan. How can I prove that to you?” Even as she said it, she knew it was false. He was her first love, and you don’t forget about your first loves.

  “When your heart believes your head,” he responded without emotion.

  They sat in silence for a long while. JD didn’t see the people that crossed before them, as her thoughts turned inward, searching for the reason why her heart and head were at odds. Nathan was right. Her heart still yearned for Matthew. It was stupid. He had been cruel and cold-hearted at the end, but there were the moments when she was sure he loved her, truly, she’d hoped. It couldn’t all have been a deception, but glancing at Nathan, and comparing him to Matthew, she could sense the difference between them, like night and day. JD realized with sudden clarity that it was her human self that craved Matthew, the one she had first fallen in love with, but her soul yearned for Nathan.

  “Let me remove that mark,” Nathan offered. JD shook her head.

  “I was fooled once,” she said. “I don’t want to be fooled again. If I can see a person’s true feelings and what they harbor, then I will know who I can trust and who I can’t.”

  Nathan leaned back, confusion on his face, “JD. It doesn’t work that way.”

  She held up her hands, “No. Don’t touch me. I want to keep it.” Nathan hung his head.

  “Drogo said something else,” JD said.

  “What?” he said lightly, lifting his head to look at her. He was clearly not happy with her at the moment. She ignored it.

  “Nephilim.” JD looked at Nathan inquisitively. “Why would he say that? Am I a Nephilim?”

  Nathan gave her an undescribable look, as if something had just occurred to him. “I don’t know for sure,” he said slowly. “But, it would make sense. At this point, I wouldn’t doubt it.”

  So, Stacey had more secrets than she had been willing to share with her at Gramps’ funeral. JD wasn’t sure if she should feel shocked, angry, betrayed, or hurt by the realization.

  “Are you okay?” Nathan asked.

  JD looked down at the ground, thinking, as she twisted the chain holding her grandparent’s wedding rings around her finger. “I don’t know what I am,” she confessed and stood slowly. Nathan came to his feet, watching her.

  “I guess I have a lot of questions. I need to talk to my mother. I need to…” her voice broke, and then she shook herself. “I need to get back to work.” She turned abruptly and headed back to the parking lot.

  “Back to Torrey?” Nathan called after her.

  “Where else?” she tossed back.

  Chapter 20

  Nathan met her at the airport the next afternoon, much to JD’s surprise. “This is weird,” she mumbled when she climbed into his truck, which smelled oddly like a warm summer afternoon right before a storm. Nathan tried to suppress a grin as JD looked at him, perplexed.

  “Really, why couldn’t I just have come back with you?” she asked. It would have saved her hours in transit time.

  “No passengers allowed,” Nathan replied. He pulled away from the curb and made his way out of the airport complex, heading south on Bangerter Highway through Salt Lake County.

  “Did you find your mother?” he queried, after they had traveled a while.

  “No, but I will. I’ve been thinking about a lot of things the whole trip here. I just can’t wrap my brain around what this all means. If I am a Nephilim, what would that mean for the False One who wants me?” She turned a pleading gaze at Nathan.

  Nathan shook his head slightly, “Please don’t ask me, Julia. If you are Nephilim, then you’re just so close to finding the answers yourself.”

  “I feel like you know something about all of this, about me especially. Why can’t you tell me?”

  Nathan focused on the road and clenched his jaw, “Don’t. Just don’t ask me Julia.”

  Julia crossed her arms, and glowered at him. “You’re being rude.”

  “How am I being rude?” he protested.

  “You drop all these hints and then won’t tell me anything. You’re teasing me and I just don’t like it.”

  Nathan snorted, turned toward her for a second with his mouth open as if about to say something, then thought better of it.

  “What!?” she exclaimed in frustration.

  “I made a promise,” Nathan said. “Don’t make me break it, ok? It’s really important, Julia.”

  “What promise?” she pressed, “Who did you make a promise to?”

  Nathan slowed the truck and pulled off to the side of the road.

  “What are you doing?” JD asked, alarmed.

  “I don’t know,” Nathan muttered. “Can you drive yourself to the Ranch?”

  “What is the matter?” She ignored his question and reached for him.

  He leaned away from her and stepped out of the truck. “Julia, please. I need to be alone right now. Go to the Parker’s. I’ll see you later.” He shut the door. She scooted ac
ross the bench to go after him, but when she opened the door, he was gone. No footprints in the snow, nothing.

  “Nathan!” she cried. There was no response. JD shut the door and fastened her seat belt before putting the truck in gear and grumbling under her breath unpleasant things about the mental stability of men in general.

  The first thing JD noticed when she pulled into the Parker’s driveway, were pillars of bright light lining the driveway and around the home as well as the property line. The lights ascended heavenward and faded into the sky. She got out of the truck and went inside. More bright light filled the room and she blinked rapidly to adjust her eyes to the light. After a moment, the intensity lessened and she could see the details of the room and saw that the children were just gathering at the table for lunch and turned to look at her when she entered. They welcomed her back warmly. JD distributed the gifts she had purchased for the Parker family, having forgotten to give them before she had hurriedly left for L.A. It made JD smile when the children became excited over the belated Christmas presents. Meagan thanked JD for her gift of the beaded necklace with a pleased smile as she fastened it around her neck and gave JD a hug. “I love it, thank you!” Meagan said. Gabriel was fascinated by the necklace and toddled over to Megan. He lifted his arms to his mother to be picked up. Meagan obliged him and once settled on her hip, Gabriel made a grab for the necklace. Megan deftly avoided being strangled and caught his hands just in time, and then gently showed him the necklace, “Be gentle,” she said to him. “Isn’t this pretty?”

  JD smiled as she watched the interaction of mother and son. After a short time, Gabriel lost interest and squirmed to get down. Meagan set him down. He returned to playing with the wooden trainset JD had bought him.

  Meagan turned to JD and gave her an inquisitive look, “Is something troubling you?”

  JD drew in a deep breath and then in a lowered voice, “Have you seen Nathan?” Meagan shook her head.