by Lara Swann
He was silent for a long time, just looking at me. I couldn’t even see whatever tumultuous emotions were going through him, and with every heartbeat I felt the distance between us growing as he shut me out, even if we never moved.
Eventually he stepped back, arms crossed over his chest and muscles bulging as he met my gaze, eyes cold. I almost shivered at the sight, something within me breaking a little at that distant regard, but I figured that maybe it wasn’t for me - maybe he needed the distance.
When he began, it was in a monotonous voice, expressionless, as his eyes turned to the middle distance.
“Fine, if you need to know, I’ll tell you. And then I’ll walk out that door and get on with what needs to be done.”
I had no idea what he meant by that - whether he was ending things between us, or stating that he’d need space, or simply literally describing what he would do. My heart skipped at the idea of the former, but I didn’t say anything. This was too important.
“Yes, I was in the army. Infantry. I spent a few years doing the stupid young boy thing - playing the hero, believing I was making a difference in corners of the world that meant nothing to me…”
The bitterness on his face shocked me, as did the immediate way he seemed to shift between acting cold and unfeeling, and those violent emotions flashing across his face.
“Until my home got destroyed. All those years, thinking I was protecting the people I loved - as if you can do that from thousands of miles away. No, instead I should have been here—if I’d been here—”
He broke off, still staring at some empty space towards the door, and my heart rose in my chest. I moved forward, ignoring his obvious desire for distance as I tugged at those thick arms, forcing them into position around me again. To my surprise, he didn’t stop me, sighing deeply instead as he looked down at me with a broken expression.
“I can’t do this.”
“C’mon.”
I tugged him over to one of the large leather chairs, pushing him down and remembering the impulse I’d had the first time I saw him there, in his fancy suit and sophisticated bearing - the desire to sit in his lap and mess it all up. The suit was gone, replaced with the jeans and t-shirts he’d taken to wearing half the time he met me, and with it the sophistication had become a far more primal power and strength that drove me crazy. But still, as he sat down, the hot sight of pure male gave me the same urge - and this time, I acted on it.
I sat down in his lap, curling my legs up until I was entirely enclosed between his arms and legs. Warm heat rushed through me at the thought of the firm male protection and care around me. It was as perfect as I’d thought it would be that first time.
I gave him a small smile and brushed my lips over his, inhaling the thick masculine scent of him.
“Lottie…”
His voice was both affectionate and exasperated, but the pain that lingered was still there.
“Just tell me however it comes - you can let it affect you, Jason. I’m here. It’ll be okay.”
Part of me wished I wasn’t asking it of him at all, but I wanted in. I was so close to understanding everything that had intrigued me from the beginning - the depths of those dark green eyes, and the mysteries of who he really was. Maybe it was selfish, but I wanted that for myself. And hopefully, for him too.
The glance he shot me was hard, determined.
“I can’t, Lottie. Not with you.”
With me?
I pushed away the hurt sprung up unexpectedly. This wasn’t about me. Taking it personally would be stupid.
“Why not?”
He sighed again, clutching me closer in his arms, and I buried myself into that comfort.
“You’re too close. I feel too…much with you. Everything that I thought done and dealt with comes back, and I…I can’t do that. I can’t let you see that shit.”
“I can deal with it—”
“No, you don’t understand.”
He took a deep breath, one finger under my chin bringing my gaze up to his intense one. I wasn’t sure exactly what I saw there, but the pure power of how he felt took my breath.
“I need this, Lottie. What we’re doing - it’s a safe haven in the middle of the darkness I live in. I’m damned, I know that, but I can’t let that infect this. You’re pure and perfect and so good that it hurts me to think about, and I want to come here and pretend the world is better than it is. That maybe it’s actually the way you see it. A place where my past can’t get to me. If I bring that hell here…all that disappears…and there is no safe place. And I can’t do that, Lottie, I can’t.”
He was breathing hard, eyes fierce as they met mine, and the thrumming of my heart had sped up to an impossible beat. Both elation and sorrow filled me at the strength of his words. That he felt that, thought that about me…it was so terrifyingly close to what I’d come to see this as, and so powerful that I wondered whether we had any hope in hell of continuing to act like there was nothing more behind this.
Maybe at one point there’d been nothing more, but after those words…?
His eyes told me he knew that - he was aware what it meant. And he’d said it anyway. Both of us hadn’t dared think of anything more - and even now, I didn’t go there. There was too much that didn’t work - couldn’t work - with this. But…there was no more calling it a bit of fun. Even if there couldn’t be anything more - this was powerful, important, essential. This was safety and light.
I acknowledged it all as our eyes met, pouring the same feelings into that intense connection. Then I took a deep breath, preparing to offer what I knew was right.
What I knew as surely as I knew the dazzling green of his eyes.
“Did you ever think that maybe you need that? That you need a safe place to put the past, to take it out and look at it, and feel whatever it makes you feel. If you talk to me, I’ll be here, I’ll listen - and then I’ll make it better. It can’t touch me, can’t touch this. I want to be that safe haven - but for all of you, Jason. Bring the rest of you into it too - the hidden, difficult parts - and maybe that darkness you carry around will fade.”
His gaze was caught in mine, and I saw the flicker of confused emotions there as he tried to process what I was saying - the doubt, the fear…but also, the hope. I watched as slowly that hope, that fledgling belief, got the better of everything else. After a long moment, he nodded, glancing away.
I kissed him - briefly, intensely, deeply. I couldn’t help it. I’d wanted to know and understand, and had been willing to be shut out to hear it, but this was so much more. This was a gift I couldn’t put a name on.
“Okay, Lottie. But I…I don’t know how this will go.”
I didn’t say anything, just squeezed him closer to me, nestling my head against his chest as he started stroking my hair. I wasn’t sure whether it was to comfort me or himself, but either way I was glad for it, relaxing in a way that only his touch prompted.
“I spent years fighting for everything I believed in - home, family, country, brothers-in-arms. I thought we were doing the right thing - that we were heroes. But the reason I did it—it was for them. Wherever I ended up, that was always what I was fighting for - to get out of the chaos, the confusion, the darkness. To get home. To them. My family. My mother. My s-sister…ohh god, Vera. That was her name.”
My body tensed at his groan followed by was. It was automatic, instinctive, but he stopped as he noticed, one hand inching down and rubbing my back. I tried to relax, to be there for him, but I was on edge, expecting the worst, and I couldn’t help it.
“I sent them what I could, while I was away. I wanted them to have better lives - to move, find a better neighborhood. They should have done that. If I’d been here, they—they would have. But there was a neighbor - elderly - and Mom didn’t want to leave her. Would help her with the shopping, cooking, the gardening…anything. I guess it doesn’t matter. Except that she—they stayed. And then one day it caught up to them.”
He stopped for a long m
oment, taking deep breaths, and my heart was pounding hard at the words. It wasn’t just that it was obvious where it was going - I thought of my sister. Of Leah. How desperately she wanted to leave. How my parents and I had been so damn stubborn. We were right, I knew we were, but still—
“I got a message while I was away. The police said it was a random act of violence. Street gang stuff. While I was away fighting some war that didn’t mean a damn thing - fighting to get home - the only people that meant anything were killed—my home destroyed—”
His fists clenched hard, and I felt the tension coiling through his body. I tried to say something, but he was in full flow now, and I wasn’t sure he could even hear me.
“I came back to identify the bodies. I saw the—the way they’d been killed. They suffered, Lottie. They suffered and then they died. My mother and sister, who’d always been so full of life. So that’s why I left. Compassionate leave - and then I never went back.”
I bit my lip as he paused and looked at me, the grim fury there barely covering the open wound I saw. My heart felt full to bursting with sorrow and hurt for him and his family, the ache almost alive within me.
I knew he was waiting for me to say something, body tense and coiled against me as he relived those painful memories, but I couldn’t bear to offer the usual sympathies, and nothing I could say would be enough. Instead, with that emotion raging through me, I hugged him tight, and spoke what I was thinking.
“I have no idea what I’d do if something like that happened to my family.”
It was the thing that kept thrumming through me: what if it was you, what if it was you, what if it was you. I couldn’t imagine a world without my family.
He clutched me tighter for a moment, but his expression became dark and dangerous as he looked at me.
“Well, I now know. I destroyed that street gang. Found the guys that did it one by one, and one by one they disappeared. Valentini came along in the middle of it - offered to help - to do what I couldn’t, and a few months later there was nothing left.”
My breath caught in my throat at the almost casual description. I didn’t doubt for a minute he meant every word he said - and I couldn’t see any regret there. Just cold, hard determination. It chilled me a little.
I couldn’t imagine what he’d been through, but I also couldn’t imagine being capable of…
“At least that was what we thought.”
He met my gaze for a moment, eyes dark and grim.
“It was Xero’s gang, Lottie. He disappeared, and I’ve been looking for a lead since - but I only ever thought I’d find a hint of the right direction out of here. Not a link right back into this messed up city.”
I swallowed, unease twisting my stomach at the thought.
It was Xero’s gang.
There was no doubt anymore about what this was for Jason. Or even what he’d already done - he’d held nothing back. It was what I’d insisted on, and I was glad of it, but I didn’t know where that left me. What I thought.
He tilted my head up to his, looking for answers in my eyes that I didn’t know myself. He seemed strangely calmer, as if after everything he’d felt and said, the intensity had washed through him. He still looked pained, but it was underwritten more with exhaustion and weariness than anger.
I looked at him with too much bubbling up inside me, unable to voice any of it.
It went against everything I believed, and more than anything my heart and soul ached for him. For the pain he’d suffered, but more than that - for what it had made him. For everything he’d given up on. I knew what gang deaths looked like, and I believed every word that it wasn’t pretty for his family, but even then, I wondered whether what they’d done to him wasn’t worse.
I’d seen the light and spark and good that was the core of what he was - first hints and then more. But it was overshadowed, hidden, lost. That tragedy had buried it so deep that he didn’t even recognize it anymore, and refused anything to do with it. It made everything in me hurt.
And then I thought of how I was changing that - what having us was doing to him. I wondered what would happen if he found Xero - once that quest was complete. I could see the edges of anger and fear and hatred that he’d been living on for so long…if he finally reached his goal, destroyed the last of those that had hurt him…what would be left of him in the end?
What would vengeance really give him?
“You don’t approve.”
The words were soft and gentle, and I glanced up at him, surprised. There was no accusation there, no expectation, just the simple knowledge reflected in his eyes.
It was true - I didn’t. This wasn’t what I believed in. Revenge and pain and suffering, in a cycle that I couldn’t see ending. It wasn’t my cause, or my goal - and I didn’t think it should be anyone’s. Especially not a man like Jason. Someone who could have and be so much more…
“No.”
I wouldn’t lie to him, not even after everything he’d been through. To my surprise, his mouth quirked up, and I saw his eyes crinkle at the edges.
“I knew you wouldn’t.”
I had no idea why he was pleased about that, but he caught me in a kiss before I could think to ask. What started as soft and sweet, almost tentative, was quickly overridden with a sudden desperate passion and need. Whatever confusion I had about him, about all of this, it didn’t matter at the moment. I’d work it out and do what I thought best - but for now, this was what mattered.
I shifted in his lap and he held me closer as our tongues writhed together, drawing out the slow beat of pleasure.
When he broke it off at last, his expression was hot and full of the same need I felt. The deep wound was still there, but now that he’d acknowledged it, shared it, it didn’t seem to be consuming him in the same way. A smile played at his lips as he looked down at me.
“So you’re not going to lecture me on forgiveness and moving on?”
I shot him an amused scowl and shook my head.
No, not tonight.
That wasn’t worth discussing now, with the difficult emotions still in the air and a tight, intense atmosphere between us. I might not agree with what he was doing, but I wasn’t going to pretend I knew how he must feel after everything that had happened.
No, I wouldn’t argue about this - but neither would I try to stop myself from hoping that maybe he could find something more worthwhile to live for.
With that thought far too strong in my chest, I shifted, throwing one leg over his and straddling him as I pressed myself against that solid, male heat. In this position I could match his height and I leaned forward with that intensity rushing through me. I was already running my hands over that strong body, touching everywhere as my lips took his, kissing softly, delicately. His hands came up behind my back, holding me to him as our warm gazes met.
“No, Jason. Not for now. Tonight, I want to be that reprieve from it all - your safe haven.”
Chapter Thirteen
Jason
“Nothing?”
Marco gave me a long look as I tapped my fingers against the desk in irritation, before indulging me with the answer for the third time.
“Nothing, Jason. The guy’s a ghost. We seem to get hints here and there, but they never turn into anything substantial. Can your source get anything more?”
I resisted the urge to grind my teeth in frustration, knowing that I was already displaying more temper than was usual, and gestured to the door as I replied curtly.
“Nothing yet - my source needs to be careful. Keep looking.”
He nodded and left, appearing slightly relieved to get out of here. I glanced back to the drawing on my desk, the elegant lines creating a rough-looking face, slightly gaunt and with a hint of Hispanic to him.
Dexter’s guy. Whatever his name was. Wherever he operated.
It had been weeks and we hadn’t found anything. Usually, I considered myself a patient man, but being so tantalizingly close to my first real lead in months had fray
ed at my self-control.
And it was more than that too.
Lottie.
Things had changed between us since that night. We didn’t talk about it much, but I hadn’t realized what it would do to me - simply knowing she was there and that I could share everything with someone else.
I’d never told anyone what I told her that night. Others knew, I was sure - Valentini, certainly, and those that had helped me in those initial dark, bloody months…but I’d never told them. I’d never said it out loud.
And now, suddenly, the darkness I’d been carrying for so long was out there, exposed - and it hadn’t swallowed up everything it encountered. If anything, it was easier now that I wasn’t so alone with it all.
Lottie made it easier. The moments of light and happiness hadn’t been tainted by everything she knew - if anything, they meant more now, reached me deeper and left me wanting…I didn’t know what. Something. Anything.
Anything other than the life I’d fallen into.
And that was why I had to find Dexter soon. These were dangerous thoughts, dangerous feelings. Lottie was starting to mean more to me than I ever should have let her, and it was beginning to affect me.
I needed to finish what I’d started. I knew Lottie didn’t approve - thought it could only make things worse - but she couldn’t understand. She’d never been there.
Can your source get anything more?
Marco’s words echoed briefly, and I tried to quell that slight uncertainty. Lottie hadn’t been able to find out anything more about Xero, Dexter, or any of what they were doing, and part of me wondered…
She didn’t approve of what I wanted to do. I knew that.
But I couldn’t mistrust her - it was Lottie. I had to believe she’d tell me if she found anything. She was too damn honest about it all; if she decided to stop helping me, she’d tell me straight.
And she was still telling me everything she could about Jorge…it was just that sometimes, there was an odd hesitancy. She’d tell me, but she’d look at me with that searching expression while she spoke, no doubt wondering where all this was leading us.
