by Lara Swann
Sometimes I wondered the same - until it came back to me with the same force I’d lived with since I first heard the news of my family.
Xero had to die. For my ripped apart home. For my innocent mother and sister.
I’d made a vow, and devoted the last year of my life to seeing it through. I’d never allow him to do what he’d done to us to anyone else - ever again.
But now, where before I’d pictured that as the culmination of everything - the end - part of me was starting to look beyond.
Lottie had asked me what would be left when I was done; what I wanted and who I wanted to be.
The questions terrified me - they were things that I’d never thought about.
The instinctive answer I’d held back had scared me even more.
You.
Sweat broke out over my body as I thought about her yet again.
It was wrong. I shouldn’t be thinking this way, or wanting those things.
This had only been meant as a bit of fun, a brief reprieve, and even when it had become more intense, we’d both known it couldn’t go anywhere.
Lottie wasn’t mine - couldn’t be mine.
If anyone knew what we were doing, Valentini would kill me, and Jorge…
Fuck.
That was the real reason we needed to find this guy soon. I could barely stand the thought of what Lottie was doing now, where she was going when she walked out that hotel room door. Who she was with.
The idea of that bastard even looking at her filled me with a rage strong enough that I was struggling to deal with it. I couldn’t let myself get swept up in something so destructive to everything we were doing, not when we were so close now. And when Lottie and I stood no chance. We didn’t have anywhere to go or anything we could do.
So why the hell do I want to take her away so badly, somewhere that no one could ever hurt her?
The idea of another person I cared about getting hurt - or worse - was almost paralyzing. I didn’t know whether I could stand it.
Fuck it!
Pushing up from the desk, I started pacing again, forcing away those dangerous thoughts and focusing on the task at hand: Dexter.
I was so close now, and I wasn’t going to let Xero get away.
So I’d keep looking. We’d keep looking.
And I’d leave what came after until that was done.
Chapter Fourteen
Lottie
“…drugs are one thing…is another…”
His voice was pitched quietly, and from where I stood it faded in and out in an infuriating way. My heart was in my throat and I fought the urge to move closer, not wanting them to notice the small form I made in the doorway to one of the smaller rooms.
“Our chance, Alfonso…need this…”
Jorge’s voice was clearer, the whisper sharp enough to cut through distance. My eyes flicked around, but I didn’t see anyone in here - there were a few guys staying over in one of the large, open rooms on the other side of the place, but no one intruded on Jorge and Alfonso at times like this.
It was interesting how that had happened - there had been a point their street kids barely knew the meaning of respect, but now…well, as Jorge had pushed harder and tried for more, their attitudes had changed.
“…don’t like it…”
I wanted to curse out loud. Something was happening - they were discussing something important. And I couldn’t quite make it out.
I’d been searching, waiting, patient for so long…I wanted some final clue - one last thing that would give Jason what he needed. I could feel his patience wearing thin with each meeting we had, and while I still didn’t know what I thought about helping with something I didn’t agree with, I couldn’t deny how much I wanted it to be done with.
Caution tempered by impatience, I shifted forward just a little.
“…moral qualms now?”
“Not that - it’s just messy, Jorge…we haven’t done this…”
My pulse was beating hard as I wondered what on earth they could be talking about, and whether it was related to—
“…support them now, and we’ll be running this op when they come back…”
Alfonso shifted into my line of sight, folding his arms.
“You trust Dexter?”
This was it. My connection. My information. They were talking about him!
“Hey! What’re you doing there?”
Shit.
Alfonso’s head twisted towards me and I realized I’d stepped forward without thinking. Instinct snapping through me in response, I kept walking forward, trying not to show the sudden terror that wanted to paralyze me.
“You’re here awful late, girl, skulking around…I don’t like it.”
Those suspicious eyes met mine, but I kept myself calm as I stopped and and looked at him, affecting confusion and glancing pointedly at Jorge’s arm, the bandage padding obvious under his top.
Thank god for that.
I had already considered what I’d do if someone spotted me, but it was still nerve-wracking to actually be confronted with such suspicion. Alfonso had never liked me, and he was clearly on edge tonight.
“I just came to check on that before I left. But if I’m interrupting…”
I glanced back toward the door, trying to appear confident and unphased as usual, and reminded myself I didn’t care about what they were talking about. In fact, I hadn’t even noticed.
It worked for Jorge, whose face split into an arrogant smile as he beckoned me closer. Alfonso still glared at me, but I ignored him as I always did, partly distracted by the gut-wrenching disappointment of how this had turned out. I’d almost had something, I knew it - but now that chance was gone. It had been so close that it was hard not to yell in frustration.
“See, Alfonso, you shouldn’t give her such a hard time - haven’t I told you she’s sweet on me?”
The familiar comment made me shiver. Fear and revulsion stabbed through me as I took the arm he held out almost triumphantly.
I wanted to refute that and shoot him down as I’d done so many times before, but after what had just happened I couldn’t quite bring myself to risk stirring things further. I still felt too shaky, and kept to my standard ‘safe’ response as I started checking the stitching and re-bandaging the arm. I didn’t know quite how he’d done it - he didn’t usually get involved in the dirty work himself, and I hadn’t asked for details - but it was a nasty cut.
“I just want to make sure it’s done right, Jorge.”
It felt like a time-worn statement by now, and not enough when faced with his recent ever-changing moods. Every moment I spent near him was making me more uncomfortable, and I knew that was part of the reason I was so desperate for the last few answers. My father’s debt had been paid weeks ago, and when Jason was done…I could finally work out how to get the hell away from him.
As I worked, he gave me a sudden grin, then his hand came out to grip the back of my neck, fingers stroking there. I froze, shock and horror ripping through me as his eyes glittered dangerously.
“You know, there are other ways you can take care of me too, girl.”
I couldn’t stand the feeling of him on me. That cruel touch contrasted with every intimate gesture I’d ever felt from Jason, and then suddenly he was in my mind and I felt so dirty for even being near Jorge. It had been getting worse ever since that night together, but this was the first time it felt truly unbearable. My heart leapt as I stared at him, anger and fear twisting my stomach in knots.
“No way in hell, Jorge. Get off me.”
I jerked away, unthinking in my sudden need to be as far away as possible - registering the dark fury that came over his expression a second too late. I was usually calm and controlled in how I dealt with him, but this…it was suddenly too much.
His hand flashed out, striking me on the cheek with enough force to knock me backwards, struggling to find my balance. My hand jumped up to the sudden stinging pain as my cheek turned oddly numb, but he was
on me a moment later, forcing my hand away and taking my chin in a painful grip.
Jason had held me like that so many times, his strength gentle as his eyes glittered with affection and amusement…
Stop damn well thinking about that!
It was ruining me for this, throwing off all my measured dealings with Jorge and plunging me so far out of my depth, into the middle of a dangerous situation.
“You need to learn some respect, bitch.”
Not if you don’t fucking deserve it.
I kept that thought to myself, just staring at him, not trying to fight his painful grip on my arm and chin. I wouldn’t give in to the fear pounding through me. I wouldn’t, whatever he did.
Angry, he shook me hard, stepping closer and making my skin crawl.
“Answer me, damn it. I’m not going to keep playing your games - you understand that?!”
I was struggling to get myself back under control, to stop seeing and feeling Jason with me, around me. To pay attention and get myself out of this mess. I could feel Alfonso’s grim satisfaction off to the side, but I didn’t dare glance over at him. I didn’t take my eyes off Jorge.
Taking a deep breath, I met his eyes and didn’t hide anything as I answered simply.
“Yes.”
He stared at me, trying to find something more - what, I wasn’t sure, but he evidently decided to take whatever he saw as capitulation. He grunted, finally relaxing his grip a little.
Heart still in my throat, I waited a few moments before glancing at his arm.
“Can I continue?”
He looked at it as if he’d almost forgotten, but the anger was gone from him now - there and gone, flashes of intense emotion as he’d always been. It was just the emotions were getting more and more dangerous. When he finally nodded, I forced myself to ignore everything that had just happened, and the dull, painful throbbing of my cheek.
A battle wound. That’s what Dad would have thought for himself. Simply an injury in a larger fight.
If I gave it any more significance than that, I was screwed.
I finished off quickly in the silence that hung between us all, deliberately refusing to process what that had just happened. It didn’t matter. I’d have what I needed soon, and then it would be over.
Later, as I headed home, I finally let myself reach up to touch the bruise, sighing deeply at the dull ache there, and surprising myself with sudden mix of anger, fear and the beginnings of hatred that welled up inside.
I didn’t usually let things like this affect me. But Jorge had been affecting me more and more recently, and my reactions were starting to scare me. This wasn’t me. It wasn’t who I was. I’d fought for so long with my image of what was good and right keeping me strong. But now…now it was Jason keeping me strong, and with the intoxicating view of how a man should act as a powerful contrast in my mind, it was hard not to despise Jorge.
My mind skipped ahead to our meeting tomorrow, and despite the way that buoyed my spirits, I touched my face again, wincing and biting my lip. With the way he’d been looking at me lately…and the way I felt about him now…I could just imagine what he’d do if he saw me like this. Hell, he’d come close to it that first time, when he didn’t have a clue who I was.
Despite my best efforts, what I’d heard tonight hadn’t done anything more than confirm what we’d already guessed at - I didn’t have anything important to add. I could delay our meet. And considering what I was going to look like, that was probably the only option.
Somehow, things had become a hell of a lot more complicated than I wanted to think about.
Chapter Fifteen
Jason
Nursing a glass of whiskey in my hand, I leaned back against the desk and watched the door, disliking the uneasy feeling in my gut. There was no real reason for it - Lottie had canceled meets before - but I couldn’t shake it regardless.
Maybe it was more evidence of my rising distraction - when the message had come through, I’d wanted to text back and ask for the reason, check that everything was okay. But we didn’t do that. No questions, no unnecessary messages, just brief logistics. Those were the rules. Hell, they were my rules. So instead I’d had to wait the week, wondering and worrying - probably over nothing.
The door opened and my gaze shot back in that direction with a smile, all my concern disappearing in the warmth of seeing her again. Leaving the whiskey on the desk, I started forward - and stopped abruptly, my smile frozen on my face.
It wasn’t obvious - not from a distance - but it was there, along with the fire in her eyes that said only one thing.
Fuck.
Everything in me shifted in the same way a high-alert drill would have done to me, only more intense. I stalked forward, knowing it was the wrong reaction and not caring.
She paused and looked up at me, waiting as I approached while I stared at that faded yellow smudge on her cheek. It was heavily covered with makeup, but that only made it more obvious to me - Lottie didn’t wear much usually, so it just emphasized what was underneath.
Now I knew why she’d canceled our meeting.
Very carefully, my hand slipped around to cup the back of her head, tilting it into the light. I kept my touch gentle, soft, but my body was anything but.
Fire and ice raged in my veins as the sudden desire to destroy everything around me took over.
“What happened, Lottie?”
I tried to make my voice soft, caring, but it came out with the same deadly intent I felt. I knew the answer, but I had to hear her say it. She spoke as directly as she always did.
“Jorge hit me.”
Everything exploded. I managed to hold on to sanity enough to let her go before my fists clenched and everything within me tightened up, ready to kill, to hurt, to destroy. I wished there was something in front of me to indulge that need - red flooded my vision as everything I’d tried to ignore about this came to the front of my mind.
Seeing her hurt killed me. Crushed me. It was my failure written all over again and I couldn’t stand it.
She stepped forward and put her arms around me, as if unaware of the violence raging inside. Or perhaps she was hyper-aware of it, since instead of the explosion inside me ricocheting out and hurting her, it eased and focused me, just a little.
I breathed hard, trying to get myself under control. This was ridiculous. I knew it was ridiculous. But I hadn’t realized just how I felt about her until I saw her standing in front of me like this.
“You’re not going back, Lottie. I don’t want you near him. Not within a mile.”
My voice was rough and hard, insistent, but she didn’t even blink, just held me against her with a resigned expression that fucking killed me.
“I mean it. We’re not doing this - it’s not worth it. Get away from him. I can’t see you like this again. I want to fucking kill him. I will fucking kill him if I see this again - if I see you near him.”
I ground my teeth in frustration, wanting something from her - agreement, relief, acknowledgment…anything.
She sighed deeply, and I couldn’t stand hearing it, knowing what she was going to say before she even started. Her hand rose and cupped my head, bringing me down to her so she could brush those soft, delicate lips across mine. Desire and need raced through me, a primal urge to claim her and take her away from anything that could ever hurt her again.
“I can’t, Jason, you know that. We’re so close…I can’t believe you want to throw it away now. Just…just think. I’m okay - really, I’m fine. It only matters if you make it matter.”
Her eyes turned almost accusing and I took a deep breath, trying to understand what she was saying. I couldn’t believe she wanted to go back there - that she could even consider it.
“Lottie…”
“Shhh…”
She came forward, rising onto her toes as she pressed herself against me, and the need I saw there finally let the hot tension flow out of me as I wrapped my arms around her and focused on making it bet
ter.
“Ohh Lottie…”
She was right. I knew she was right. I would have seen it eventually - but even knowing that, the thought of what it meant still twisted my gut in knots. I’d spent the past year controlling everything, withdrawn and reserved - inspecting every feeling for the ways it could hurt me before allowing myself near it - and she’d overcome all of that. Now, I could barely control the wave of violent emotions that tried to break me, and I couldn’t believe how one bruised cheek could make me lose all self-control.
I breathed deeply, inhaling the pretty, feminine scent of her hair as I clutched her to me. She was the one who needed comfort here, not me. It was just that this brought out every primal urge to claim and protect that I’d ever felt. Taking a few, silent moments to steady myself with her presence, I finally met her eyes again, kissing each one before hovering over her mouth. The beauty of those strong, bright eyes never failed to hit me hard.
“This is why you canceled, isn’t it?”
Not because of the bruise. Because of me. If I’d seen it a week ago, I didn’t like to think what would have happened. It hurt that she’d lived with it for a week, just to spare what it would have done to me.
“Yes. Was I wrong?”
The pointed question only highlighted the depths of the reaction I’d barely reigned in. The last of my cold fury left me as I looked at her, finally acknowledging what needed to be done. There was no way out. Not yet - not even with this staring me in the face. I knew what she’d been risking, and my out-of-control emotions didn’t change that we’d already decided it was a necessary evil.
If it came to a choice between her and Xero…I was suddenly unsure what would happen. I’d always thought I’d known, but this…this changed things.
But she hadn’t made me choose. She’d chosen for me. And my heart swelled with appreciation for that - because I was pretty sure I couldn’t have lived with either choice if I’d made it.
“No. You weren’t wrong. And you’re not wrong about what we do now, but Lottie…I want you out of there. The moment we find anything - you’re gone, you understand? It kills me that you’re hurting and there’s nothing I can do.”
