by Lara Swann
I wanted her. More than anything I’d ever felt, I wanted her.
But I was fucking terrified.
My jaw tightened at the thought as I couldn’t ignore it anymore.
I didn’t want to put Bella in a situation she didn’t know, didn’t understand - I didn’t want to find a few years down the line it wasn’t good enough. To have her disappear.
I’d spent my whole life building stability, something I could rely on.
And I didn’t know that Bella could handle it. Not after what I’d seen the last week.
I didn’t want the risk.
I’d been pushing her away since I met her. I thought I’d let her in, but Ryan…it had just been too much.
There had been too many reasons for her to run.
And she hadn’t - I had.
Which hadn’t even worked. I was too entangled with her already - she was so far under my skin that I couldn’t get her off my mind anyway.
She was my baby-Bella.
If there was anyone I could trust to be there, it should be her.
And god-damn it, I wanted that - I wanted someone there, and I wanted that life with her.
Impossible, out of reach, fucking cuckoo dreamland - I wanted it.
And I got what I wanted. There was no fucking way I was letting myself run now I knew what it was.
Time to man up and fix it, chickenshit.
If it could be done, we’d make it work - I wasn’t giving up again.
Chapter Twenty Six
Bella
I looked around at the bright, smiling faces and tried to force a similar kind of happiness onto my own expression, ignoring the hard, painful beating inside my chest.
Having to attend my father's wedding with a broken heart was a special kind of hell. Probably one reserved for girls stupid enough to fall in love with the kind of bastard who would abandon them to that fate.
The last few days had been a daze of disbelief and regret. Fluctuating between hoping he was going to come back, change his mind and make everything right with us - and wishing him gone from my life completely.
But this was it.
My father's wedding.
The day that the whole summer seemed to have revolved around.
Well, that and my stormy relationship with one sinfully hot Navy SEAL. But if you asked anyone else, they'd probably say it had been about the former.
And since he wasn't here...I guessed maybe it was. The one relationship under our roof that had ever stood a chance.
My stupid, flickering flame of hope was slowly dying with every moment that passed, as I looked around and hoped to see Seth - heading for me, with something in his expression. It was such a stupid thing to still want, but I couldn't help it.
I loved him - and I'd wanted so much to make him see that we could make it work.
My father, the SEAL thing - all of it.
It grated that he hadn't given me a chance to discuss or explain, before making the decision for me.
I wanted to try instead of giving up.
Wasn't that what SEALs were supposed to do?
The whole thing had run through my mind a million times since he'd left - the news about Ryan and the memory of Becky's passion as she described the difficult life - and I knew it didn't matter.
I could deal with it - all of it...except him leaving.
I wasn't sure how I was meant to survive that. Not when he'd been the source of all my new-found strength and purpose - the person who’d shown me so much about who I was.
Not when my heart and body beat with the memory of his touch, his eyes, his cocky smile...
The familiar pain flashed again and I tried to push it away as I heard the music start up. I was waiting behind Cora in a cream-and-pink bridesmaid dress that wasn't as terrible as I'd feared, and then - before I was ready - we were moving in.
My stomach flipped and I wasn't sure whether it was because of my father's marriage, the strained relationship that had persisted between us since that argument, or the fierce need to have Seth back. Maybe all three.
I was so screwed.
Ignoring that, I painted my face in a smile for the cameras and moved through the motions.
The majority of the ceremony passed in a daze, just like everything else at the moment.
I'd seen Cora look around a couple of times for Seth, but I could have told her he wasn't here. Wouldn't be here. Not with the way he’d abandoned everything.
It was just me.
The disgraced daughter.
I'd barely spoken to my father since our argument, with neither of us willing to go back there. Even if Seth was no longer in the picture - even if my father might have been right about my whole involvement with him - I couldn't take that first step. Not now. Not alone.
Because I'd been right too, damn it, and I knew there was no way I could make him see that now. It was obvious that Seth had disappeared - and no doubt, how I was feeling as well.
But that didn’t mean I’d been wrong to love him, to feel those things and want that with him. None of the things I said to my father were wrong, and if Seth were here I’d be pursuing them gladly. So I wouldn’t take it back. I wouldn’t just go fix my relationship with my father as Seth had so neatly put it. As if it was that simple.
My relationship with my father had started out messed up, and as far as I was concerned, if this was as ‘fixed’ as it was going to get, it was still better than living the way I had.
Even if the last few days I’d been so completely, utterly alone.
Seth was gone. My father, if he ever could have supported me through this, was gone.
Even Kaylee was gone. She’d avoided me since telling my father about Seth, and I was still pissed enough about that to let her.
The ceremony caught my attention when the priest asked whether anyone objected to the wedding.
In my fantasy, Seth strode in now, his calm and controlled ferocity directed at the wedding party as he objected on our behalf. Like one of those knights from my novels in truth. It wouldn’t be legal, of course, and it would cause complete chaos, but it would make a point. It would be a statement.
A stupid, overly romantic notion, but my body reacted at the thought of it anyway, and I had to scold myself into stillness.
This wasn’t a fantasy.
I held my breath anyway - but they were past that part within moments, and the door remained closed. There was no crash, no objection.
I wouldn’t mind if you were late…
But it was an idiotic thought. It wasn’t going to happen. He wasn’t here. He wasn’t going to be here.
Then, before I realized it, they were being pronounced husband and wife.
My stomach sank.
That was it.
Seth was now officially my stepbrother.
Fuck.
* * *
That sinking feeling didn’t improve at the reception as the tightness in my gut spread throughout my whole body, until by the time it evening approached I felt like some kind of wooden doll.
Go here, smile at these people, make an inane comment there, eat, drink, listen attentively.
From what I could tell, my father and Cora were very pleased with the ceremony and reception. Pity that something which had taken so much time and effort was passing before me almost unnoticed, but at least everything seemed like it was going according to plan.
Well, except Seth and I. They were probably ignoring that issue.
If they were, I appreciated it.
In truth, I wanted to be happy for them. I wanted them to be happy. I just wished it didn’t conflict so badly with what I wanted.
Not that it mattered, since Seth wasn’t here.
I wasn’t even sure what I’d do if he was.
Underneath the overwhelming sadness and tinge of hope, there was still that roiling anger I didn’t know how to deal with.
Damn him for leaving me alone.
I kept wondering - was it just Ryan, was it just all
the crazy stuff he’d been through in the last week? Or was he simply done?
I couldn’t quite believe that - not the way he’d looked at me before he left. Not with everything we’d shared.
There was so much of me that didn’t want to believe I could be so utterly wrong - about everything.
But it wouldn’t be the first time.
I found myself wandering the gardens of the place they’d hired, drifting further from the main groups of people as I tried to find some element of peace in the cooler air. It was late enough that no one would notice if I only started making a few appearances, and I wasn’t sure I could spend much more time forcing myself to be pleasant as I waited for the time we could all see them both off on their honeymoon.
It was only a few hours, and the car was already waiting outside…
I stopped as a shadow detached itself from the copse of trees nearby.
He might be a sneaky as hell Navy SEAL, but I’d grown used to his presence.
That didn’t change the way everything in me froze, the way I didn’t want to turn around because I wasn’t sure if I was going to scream or kiss him.
He screwed with every emotion I’d ever had, and despite spending the day wishing he was here, it was hard not to feel anything but resentment.
Resentment and deep, unending need. A flare of heat across my body that I wished I could deny.
“Bella…”
His voice was soft, seductive as it had always been, with the same heat that echoed through me.
Damn it.
My hands clenched and unclenched, but I still couldn’t bring myself to turn around.
Instead, he stepped up behind me - a solid, secure weight that immediately made me feel warm and protected with the strength of it. I was hard and tense against him, but his mouth lowered to my ear, breath whispering against it as he nuzzled there.
“My beauty. My Belle.”
The rough tone shuddered through me, and the words lit the part of me that had thought of nothing else.
“Seth…”
My tone held a warning, with too much underneath it for even me to interpret.
“I love you, Bella.”
What the hell did that even mean?
It was too much. Too many conflicting thoughts and emotions.
This time I did swing around, glaring up at him with eyes that for once weren’t filled with tears. Yet.
“No. Not again, Seth.”
The soft sadness in his eyes - the regret - as he looked at me, had my heart beating fast. And I hadn’t realized what seeing him up close would do to me, the way my blood would flood with heat and every part of me would want to press against him and touch and taste and feel…
Damn it!
We were past that. Past everything.
“It’s too late, brother. You might not have bothered to show up - but it happened. They’re married.”
To my surprise, his eyes only doubled their quiet ferocity as he cupped my cheek, the large palm warm against my soft skin.
“I don’t care. You’re not my sister. You never have been. They knew about this when they got married - that’s their choice.”
“What you care about seems to change every few minutes.”
He winced as the double meaning belatedly hit me.
“And who.”
“Fuck it, Bella, that’s not true—”
“No, I’m done listening. You walked out. You left. Done.”
But I wasn’t done. Damn it, I wasn’t.
And when he closed his mouth over my own, taking my words and turning the heat of anger into a gathering passion, my body gave in - I leaned into him as everything I’d tried to push away came back.
How could he do this to me? Affect me like this?
It was insane. Impossible.
That didn’t matter as it washed over me like a desperately missed friend, the comfort and safety and warmth of his embrace promising to drive away every problem I’d ever had.
That didn’t stop the anger - the fury at him, myself and the whole damn world for doing this to us.
I couldn’t begin to understand everything I felt, let alone form a coherent reaction as his tongue parted my mouth and he penetrated deep inside me once again.
I wanted to be angry - damn it, I was angry.
But every moment with him stole that away as all those cursed hopes came back.
He’d come back. For me.
Too late.
I pulled back to meet his eyes, seeing the storm in my own reflected there.
“Fuck it, Seth. No. I spent the whole damn morning wanting you here, hoping desperately to see you suddenly appear. Picturing you storming in and making everything right.”
My breath was coming quicker now, whether from anger or desire I didn’t know, the pure strength of emotions driving me.
“But you weren’t fucking there. You weren’t. And now…it’s too late.”
The surprise on his face as his hand ran through my hair made me pause for a moment, and he frowned at me.
“I was there, Bella. I saw the wedding - the whole thing. But I didn’t think you’d want me ruining our parents’ big day with a sudden appearance - especially with the way we left things.”
I stared at him.
What?!
I hadn’t seen him, at all. I’d been looking for him. He hadn’t been there.
“Seriously?”
He nodded, shifting closer to me as his arms came around me again. I wanted to shrug him off, but it felt too good.
“Seriously. You really wanted that?”
“Well…it would have been a good gesture.”
I shrugged as I briefly considered the reality of my little fantasy, and his eyes crinkled with amusement as he nuzzled lightly at me.
“Okay, got it - next time, big, romantic gestures. I love you, baby.”
My cheeks heated a little, but I didn’t think it was from embarrassment as he kissed me again, his hands slowly rubbing my back and promising to relieve some of the tension there.
Everything conflicted within me as I tried to process the crazed emotions of the last few days, and reconcile the promise in his eyes.
Laughter from a little further up the garden path interrupted us, and as my eyes flicked towards it, he drew us back into the small circle of trees.
“Come with me, Bella. Come talk to me.”
“I don’t want to.”
The objection didn’t stop me from moving with him as my body refused to break that firm contact.
Truth was, I had no idea what the hell I wanted. I couldn’t work it out, and having him here was making it impossible.
The seclusion of the trees took me by surprise, the noise and lights of the party fading away.
It focused my attention fully on Seth, and from the way he was looking at me, I could see the same thing in his eyes. Or maybe he’d been looking at me like that the whole time. Those swirling gray depths made it impossible to think of anything but the power and depth of that intense focus.
The rough callouses of his palm stroked across my cheek again, playing in my hair as he held me close, but as much as it was affecting me I didn’t encourage him. I couldn’t.
“You didn’t care that they were getting married? That we’re now step-siblings?”
I still couldn’t believe that he hadn’t intervened - didn’t even seem bothered by that. I didn’t understand it, even as that controlled intensity came into his eyes again.
When he looked at me like this, I felt like we could do anything together - that whatever he said was going to happen.
“No, I really don’t. They can do whatever the hell they like - that’s never mattered. The only thing that matters is the choice we make, Bella. What we want.”
“You made it pretty damn clear what you wanted, Seth.”
“I want you, Bella. Completely. Utterly. You.”
He punctuated each word with a kiss as those steamy, passionate eyes bored into me and my body shud
dered with pleasure and need.
I wanted so badly to give in, to believe him and be whisked away in the warmth and certainty he’d always given me.
Instead, I pulled back, the anger rising with the desire as I felt all my messed up emotions starting to surge past that place I’d locked them away.
Everything I’d forced myself to detach from was there waiting for me, and it terrified me.
“You fucking left. The one time I stood up to my father - for you - and you left me alone to deal with it. You fucking proved me wrong. And then I had to live…with them…with this…with the whole god-damned mess while you weren’t there!”
Everything I’d thought or felt throughout the last few days came crashing over me as my hand slapped against his chest for emphasis and I broke down into tears. His arms came around me as he murmured soothingly, but I didn’t want it. I shifted and fought against him, but he just took it, the strength of his body secure and solid against the fury and pain and despair while my emotions wrecked me.
God-damn, but I hated this.
I wasn’t an emotional kind of girl. Or I hadn’t been until I met him. And now…
“I…can’t…keep…doing…this.”
My words were punctuated by gasps of breath as I buried my head against him, my body shaking with the power of how I felt, but his solid support never wavering.
“We won’t. I promise you, Bella. I won’t leave again - not if you still want everything you said you did.”
That spawned a fresh wave of fury as I looked up at him.
“So my god-damn opinion matters now, does it? I told you what I wanted before and you didn’t fucking care. My whole life, my father thought he knew what’s best for me - and now, you…you did the same damn thing. Walked away without even discussing it. I…wanted…you. And you just decided I shouldn’t. I’m fucking done with people deciding my life for me.”
I saw the pain flash through his eyes as I compared him to my father, but I didn’t let up. It was what I’d thought so many times the last few days.
His hand was light on my cheek as he responded softly.
“I know. I’m sorry, baby, it was wrong. It was your decision and I should have believed in it. I was just so fucking caught up in everything that had happened to Ryan and Becky. It kept playing out in my head, and I couldn’t stand the thought of doing that to you.”
