by Lara Swann
“It was fucking terrible. The scandal, the shame…we’d expected that. But throwing my mother back in my face…god, Seth. I didn’t know how to handle it. Doesn’t matter though - just showed me how damn much I want you. How important this is. I told him that too, babe. How much I love you and how fucking sick I am of trying to live up to expectations I can never meet.”
I held her like that as the words came in spurts, jumping around so I only partially followed what happened. It didn’t matter as she cried softly and I kissed and murmured gently.
Fuck her father.
It wasn’t the first time I’d thought it, but every time he hurt her like this, it just sent my blood boiling hotter and harder. How he could be so uncaring about it…
At least she wasn’t defending him anymore. Part of me was so fucking proud she’d finally stood up to him - that it was for me was enough to have my heart ready to burst.
“H-he thinks I’m…stupid, idiotic…that we’re…twisted. B-but we’re not. What we have is good and right and I fucking love how I feel now. Like I can do anything. I-I wanted his approval so badly, Seth. I did. And I really hope…with you…we can make him understand. But if not - then I don’t care. I’m not going to let his judgment define my life, or make my decisions for me. I want you. I’m going to have you.”
Her eyes were bright with tears, and that ferocity that had wrapped its way around my heart from the start. I didn’t think I could ever love her more than I did at that moment, scared and sure and happy and sad. Hurt, but stronger for it. Whatever I thought of the man, I hated that I’d come between her father and her - but I’d never seen her so beautiful.
“I love you, my Belle. And you’re the most perfect woman I’ve ever known.”
She did dissolve into tears then, collapsing against me as we kissed and touched and reassured ourselves of the other’s very existence.
When I’d kissed the last of them away, I steeled myself, determined to help her fix what our relationship may have destroyed with her father.
“We’ll sort it, baby. I promise. We’ll talk to him again - together.”
She nodded and I felt the ghost of a smile against my chest. Taking a deep breath, I steeled myself.
“So, can you tell me what he said? I mean, I get the outrage and scandal thing. But what did it have to do with your mother?”
She tensed in my arms, but nodded.
“It was…I-I’ve never seen him like that, Seth. The scandal was one thing, but…he hated that…y-you were in the Navy. A SEAL. Said I was a fool for inviting the kind of pain that ruined his life, when my mother died. Most of all, he was…hurt…emotional and scared and hurt. I’ve b-barely ever even seen him angry before, Seth. It scared me. But…we talked about that stuff, and it’s okay. We’ll do it together. Work it out.”
She looked up at me with a hopeful smile, but I’d barely heard the last part of what she said, her father’s words freezing me in place.
Everything washed over me at once.
Ryan. Becky. Bella.
Even god-damned Terence and that worn picture of a girl oh-so-similar to my baby-Bella.
I stepped back a couple of paces in the sand as it all became too much.
I wanted so badly to believe that was all that was needed - that with her in my arms, nothing could ever touch us.
But even Bella’s bravery didn’t drive away the sight of Becky’s face whenever I closed my eyes.
Becky was one of the bravest people I’d ever known…and she’d been shattered at Ryan’s disappearance.
The panic rose in me again.
I didn’t want to do that to her. Force that upon her.
Fuck.
“Seth?”
Bella’s expression had turned confused, uncertain as she reached out to me, but I couldn’t give her the reassurance she needed.
How could I tell her we’d work it out if, one day, someone could turn up on her doorstep and say…
How could I promise her everything would be okay?
It wouldn’t.
Not if that happened to me.
And there wasn’t a damned thing I could do about it.
She didn’t deserve that. Not my Bella. My Belle.
Living with that…it was too much to ask of anyone.
I’d been right the first time.
And fuck me for having been so fucking naive. Now…
“What is it?”
I opened the eyes clenched shut with effort, running a hand across my head as I hoped my expression wasn’t as grim as I felt. I was pretty sure it was worse.
“Bella…”
Her eyes flashed with concern as I tried to find the words.
“Look, maybe your father has a point—”
“What?!”
Her immediate, disbelieving response made it obvious she’d anticipated what I was going to say.
“I can’t promise you it will be okay, Bella. We can’t just work out something like that. Even together. There’s no fixing…”
“What the hell, Seth?! We talked about that - I said I was okay with it—”
“You can’t just say that! You don’t know. It’s one thing now, but…years down the line, when you have kids depending on you and you’re waiting for me to come home—and it never happens…”
Her face softened momentarily, and somehow that made everything worse.
“Is this because of—”
I couldn’t hear it.
“Fuck. No. Yes. It just made it obvious. I can’t do that to you, Bella. I’m sorry. I should have known, and I was stupid—”
“Damn it Seth, you’re being stupid now! It’s my decision—”
I shook my head sharply.
“No. I’m not doing that to you. I’m sorry, I won’t do it. Forget this - fix your relationship with your father. This was never going to work.”
She stared at me as if I was insane, and it tore me to pieces inside, but I stepped back.
Every part of me was longing to press forward, to kiss her and hold her even if only for one last time. But if I did that, I was lost.
Hell, if I wasn’t lost already.
I took one last look, memorizing every beautiful line of her face before turning and striding away, leaving her shell-shocked enough to let me go.
Chapter Twenty Four
Bella
I have no idea how long I stood there, the outline of his form still burned into my eyes as I looked out at the harsh waves, even though I knew I was completely alone.
Utterly alone.
In a way I’d never felt - or realized - before.
I think I thought he’d come back.
He couldn’t just leave.
And I couldn’t process any of it, couldn’t think, couldn’t feel…it was all beyond me.
So I stood there, staring out at the crashing waves and wondering what on earth had just happened.
My Seth.
My fierce, indomitable Navy SEAL.
I’d never seen him looking so weary, so defeated.
I thought of Ryan - the faceless man I’d never met, but whom I felt I knew - and for a moment, I thought I felt something.
Then it was gone, locked down with every other thought or feeling as I stood there and the waves crashed again.
And again.
Unremitting. Unrelenting. Endless.
The sound of the surf was almost soft, a slight murmur in the night as I stood alone. And waited.
As the slight chill and the inactivity began to seep into my bones, I think I realized that he wasn’t going to come back.
That he’d left me here. Like this.
A few days before my father’s wedding.
A night after I’d thrown that relationship away.
For him. For us.
It hit me then, and I could have screamed. I wanted to. It built in me like a crushing force, but the last thing I wanted right now was for anyone to come running. Anyone, except maybe him.
I threw my head back,
hands clenched, as I raged soundlessly at the world.
At my father. Myself. And him.
More than anything, at him.
How could he do this to me?!
Everything I’d thought I’d had - all the confidence, the assurance, the knowledge that I had taken back my own life for myself.
It came crashing down in the blink of an eye, so thoroughly that I wondered whether it had ever been there in the first place.
We were going to deal with it together. With my father. With the SEALs. With life.
Together.
It had been all I’d wanted.
And it was gone.
Just like that.
Because the bastard had decided I shouldn’t have to deal with the life he offered.
The life I’d wholeheartedly accepted. The life I’d wanted.
Fuck.
Fuck him.
I could’ve dealt with it - with the uncertainty, the difficulty, the risk. I’d wanted to.
That was infinitely better than dealing with this - with his sudden, deliberate abandonment.
Having him beside me had given me the confidence to do anything I wanted - just knowing he was there, believing in me and fighting for me.
I’d known that he’d always be there.
Whatever happened, I would have always had that.
But now I was alone.
As alone as I’d been before, but more so, because now I knew what it meant to be so completely a part of someone else.
I’d been his.
And now…I wasn’t sure what was left.
Pain and anger and grief.
I let the desolation wash over me and sobbed for everything I’d lost.
Everything I’d trusted in.
Everything I’d hoped for.
Chapter Twenty Five
Seth
I took a swig from my beer and stared out into the distance, the dark, overcast skies matching my mood, as Becky and I drank in grim silence.
I’d wanted to support her in some way, but over the last week I’d realized that the best I could do was to be there, and not try to make it better. There was no lightening this, and any attempt felt wrong.
Instead, when I’d arrived, she’d set the beer down in front of me and opened her own. I’d taken the hint and we’d sat in companionable silence since, wrapped up in our own thoughts.
If they weren’t great thoughts, at least we had company for them.
It didn’t help that every time I looked at Becky now, I saw Bella. Her shock and horror as I’d left. The way she must be feeling now.
Ironic, really, that when I’d met her, all I could see was Becky’s grief-torn face. And now it was her that haunted my mind.
My Bella.
My baby-Bella.
Fuck.
Tomorrow would be the wedding.
Not that it mattered - I wasn’t going. I’d give Bella that at least.
My mother would accept the military emergency, with a few not-so-subtle comments, and that would be that. I’d stay out of their life. I had my own.
I should never have expected anything more, and it killed me that I’d hurt her like this.
Better than hurting her further down the road. Than embedding yourself too deeply in her life before taking it away.
It was the mantra I kept repeating, but I couldn’t help the voice that nagged at me that we’d already gone too far.
I still felt her with every breath, every beat of my aching heart.
My hand clenched around the beer bottle just as Becky looked up.
“Fuck this. Tell me about something good and decent in the world.”
I glanced up, but nothing came to mind. Might as well have asked for the moon and stars.
“Eh…not sure I’m the right guy for that, Becky.”
She just shook her head.
“You’ve got a better chance than me, mate. C’mon…how about Bella? I liked her. Let me enjoy the passion of young love.”
I winced at that choice of topic as the familiar emptiness throbbed through me.
Young love indeed. Stupid and naive.
“You really want to hear a passionate love story? Now?”
The idea of discussing something like that with Ryan’s wife, while he was…whatever he was…seemed insane, but she just cocked her head with a rueful smile.
“That bad, eh? Fuck it then. I wanted to remember what it was like…falling in love with him. What I have to look forward to when he returns. Seems like even living vicariously is out. The world’s gone to hell, hey?”
I just grunted, downing more of the beer.
“Always was. Our mistake was thinking otherwise.”
I never should have believed I could have anything better.
“Gods, you’re worse than me. Sounds like you actually mean it.”
My eyes flickered up again, surprised as I met her irritated look.
“You don’t?”
“I might rage and curse at it all - but in the end, I’ll be okay. You will too. Maybe it didn’t work out with Bella, but you’ll find—”
“I’m not asking any woman to do that for me.”
She sighed, and I grimaced at the idea of her trying to reassure me. It wasn’t worth discussing.
“Just because Bella couldn’t—”
“Fuck it, Becky. It’s not about what Bella thinks she can or can’t do. It’s not right to ask it. It’s too much.”
That did startle her, and she gave me one of the hard looks she was known for.
“Not if she’s offering and wants it too.”
“She doesn’t know what she’s doing.”
“And you do?”
I couldn’t understand this argument, or how Becky could possibly be thinking this way, considering everything that had happened.
“Yes. And I would have thought you of all people would get it.”
It was a low blow, and I didn’t mean to go there, but she was getting me worked up with things I was trying to forget. Her words were eerily close to Bella’s and I had enough unsettled feelings about that last conversation already.
Her eyes sparked with anger as she responded sharply.
“What the fuck? Don’t tell me this—” She gestured emphatically around at the empty garden, “—is why…”
“Of course it damn well is - it just made me realize how stupid we were being—”
“And Ryan and I? We’re fools too, are we?”
The heat was pouring from her now, and I held my automatic response in check. Insulting them was never what I’d intended, but damn it - surely she understood.
“Don’t you wish someone had stopped you, at the beginning? That you had never gotten caught up in this mess?”
She reeled back, looking shocked as she stared at me.
“Fuck it, Seth. Of course not. I fucking love him. I know what he is, and I love him. And if someone had taken that choice away from me, I wouldn’t have forgiven them for it.”
It was my turn to stare, the passion and certainty in her voice sending unease coiling through me. It didn’t make sense. I couldn’t believe…
Her expression softened a moment at whatever she read in my face, and she sighed deeply before turning and staring off into the garden that we’d all been laughing in only a couple of weeks ago.
“I love him more than life itself, and don’t get me wrong - I’m raging right now at the Navy for taking him away, and for…for what might happen. Just like I’m raging at God and the universe and every choice I ever made. But the Navy is part of him - the SEALs were part of him. That was the man I fell in love with, and I knew that the whole time. If he hadn’t been a Navy SEAL he wouldn’t have been Ryan.”
I’d never heard her talk like this. I guessed she had before - she was prominent enough in the local support groups - but her words were usually reserved for other girlfriends, wives, partners. Those that had to deal with their husbands’ insane choices.
“This life is cruel and unforg
iving and hard as death, but I wouldn’t take it back. I wouldn’t change falling in love with him and the time we’ve had together for anything. Yes, it’s damn hard to make this work, and if Bella thinks she can’t deal with it, I have always respected that honest decision. But it’s not a decision you can make for her. Don’t confuse what she wants with your own damn cowardice.”
My eyes flashed - I’d never let anyone talk to me like that.
“What the—”
“If you can’t handle it, fine - but don’t pretend you’re running away for her benefit.”
Anger hit me, and I surged up - any tact or deference to what she was going through abandoned in a haze of outrage.
“I’m not—”
“It’s your life, sailor. But if she’s game - why the hell aren’t you?”
She grabbed the beer and walked back into the house without another word, leaving me fuming.
How dare she?!
It wasn’t that I couldn’t handle it - I just didn’t want Bella waking up years down the line to find me gone, and maybe never coming back. I couldn’t put her through that.
It was wrong.
Every damned protective instinct in me insisted on it.
If she’s game…
I’d never run away from anything in my life - I thrived on challenge, on difficulty, on knowing I was better than anyone and anything out there.
…why the hell aren’t you?
I downed the rest of the beer as her words cut into me, ripping into the cloud of misery that had followed me since talking to Bella.
Why?
I wanted Bella to be safe, and happy. I didn’t want that risk for her. It wasn’t her world or her life. She didn’t need to have to deal with that.
But she wanted it.
She wanted me.
Fuck, the way Becky had talked about Ryan…it sounded like everything I’d ever heard and felt from Bella. Everything I didn’t give her the chance to say.
It was her decision.
Why was I stopping her?
Everything crashed around me, my crazed emotions overwhelming me with need and disappointment and anger.
I wanted more from the world than it had ever given me.
Becky’s accusations were sharp in my mind as I finally let myself look into that unstable, dangerous mess of emotions.
