by Matt Shaw
I wonder what they’ll be like in an argument. Hard to imagine them as the shouting-type. Never heard them shout at each other before. Not like Ben and I. We knew how to raise the roof when we were really going for it. Liam said they were having difficulties in their marriage. I had no idea. I guess that shows they’re not the shouting kind. They probably sit down, in a neutral room, and discuss their feelings and options in a civilized manner. Probably the way Kelly makes it work.
“We didn’t always argue. You make it sound worse than it actually was.” Ben didn’t say that. No one said it. Do I just ignore it? Yes. For the best. No one to answer to anyway. For the record, we did always argue. Towards the end, at least.
A thought just crossed my mind; what if Kelly doesn’t believe me? I should doll myself up a little. Make myself look less like a victim - how I looked yesterday. Make myself look more attractive - like someone her husband would want to kiss. No, that’s pointless. She knows what I looked like yesterday and, if I did dress up, she’d think I made the first move and that most certainly wasn’t the case.
“Really? Could have fooled me. You’ve never been that friendly with Liam before - you should have turned around and gone home as soon as he told you Kelly wasn’t in.” Ignore the voice. It’s not even a voice. No one spoke. Certainly not Ben despite the similarity in the tone to his own voice.
“Fuck you!” I spat.
So much for ignoring the voice. The voice which was now laughing. Ignore it. It’s not real. It can’t be real. Look, I’ll prove it. I left the bedroom, crossed the landing, and walked down the stairs towards the dining room. Slowly, I pushed the door a bit. Not all the way, I didn’t need to. Just enough so I could see Ben through the narrow gap. Didn’t want him spotting me. Didn’t want him talking to me. He’s still there. Dead. Not talking. Definitely not talking. So who’s voice do I keep hearing? Can’t be his.
“Who else would it be?” he said. No, he didn’t. Why do I keep thinking it’s him. I’m watching him now. He didn’t move. He can’t move. It wasn’t him. I slammed the door shut on him. Out of sight, out of mind.
“Not out of mind,” he didn’t say.
“Fuck you!” I spat again.
I’m sure it will stop when I get rid of his body. I’m sure I won’t think I’m hearing his voice anymore. I’m sure. I hope. Hope? Am I allowed to have hope anymore? Do people like me have any hope? I don’t care. I’m having it. I’m hopeful. I won’t let anyone take that from me. No one. Especially not him. He’s dead. He can’t take hope away from me. Can’t.
I ran back upstairs and back to our bedroom. My bedroom. He doesn’t have any stakes in it anymore. His is the dining room. He can have that room. I won’t go in there again - even when he is out of there. I’ll keep the door shut. Get a lock for it. Keep it locked. Well locked. Sealed. The memories of what happened in that room sealed in there too. Keep them away from my soul. Do I have a soul? Has my soul already been taken? No. Can’t have been. Don’t believe in any of that. My mind is racing. Why. Why? Calm down. Getting ahead of yourself again. Breathing is erratic too. Is this a panic attack? Never had one before.
I sat on the edge of the bed and put my head between my legs. Calm down. Breathe in slowly. Deep breaths. Just nervous because of having to go and see Kelly. Not sure how she’ll react. It’s fine if she doesn’t believe me. Deep breaths. Fine. If she doesn’t believe me, she’ll want to keep her distance from me. She’ll definitely want him to keep his distance from me too so I can’t try and seduce him. Either way - it’s a win win situation. They won’t be watching me again. It’ll be fine. Calm down. Forget about what I’ve done - if only for an hour or two. Concentrate on Kelly and then go back to worrying about Ben.
“You can’t forget me. Please. I miss you.”
“Fuck you!”
CHAPTER NINE
The same clothes as yesterday to remind Kelly how scruffy I looked yesterday; faded blue jeans in dire need of replacing and a grey tee shirt. Certainly not the outfit of a seductress. I stopped and checked myself out in the mirror. I think, if anything, my bed-head hair looks better today than it did yesterday. Considering it hasn’t seen a brush since I climbed from my bed, that’s impressive. Using both hands, I messed my hair up a little bit. That’s better. Almost identical to how I looked yesterday. The only real exception that I can see is my eyes don’t look as red raw from where I had been crying. Not a problem - by the time I cried properly, yesterday, I had already been hit upon. I look fine. Well...Fine for what I’m about to do at least.
I stood in front of the mirror and rehearsed the scene, already played a million times in my head, once more.
She’d open the door and invite me in; an invitation which I’d accept.
“Thank you,” I’d say.
“Have you heard anything?” she’d probably ask.
“No.” I’d then turn to her, before she had the chance to ask another awkward question, “I’m here for something else...”
“What’s the matter?”
She’d make a comment about how nervous I look. I will look nervous. Not sure how she’ll react.
“I came back yesterday...”
“Liam never said?”
“You were out...”
“I had to pop out for a bit...”
“He was making me a drink...Talking to me...”
I can picture the look on Kelly’s face. She’d be watching me intently, wondering what I was going to tell her. Perhaps nervous, herself, because - deep down - she knows what Liam is like and knew I was about to say he made a move.
“...He kissed me.”
I won’t say we kissed. I won’t say that, to start off with, I didn’t push him away. I’d leave it there - that he kissed me.
“What?” she’d ask me to repeat myself just to be sure she didn’t mis-hear what I had said. Just to be sure.
“He kissed me. I pulled away and ran home, he followed begging to talk but I shut him out - closed the door on him and locked it.”
I doubt she’ll respond, to start off with. She’ll just stand there. Perhaps she’ll have a look of shock on her face. Perhaps.
“I’m sorry.”
I’ll apologise to her because, although it was him kissing me, I’d still feel guilty. Pretend to feel guilty at least. I don’t feel guilty. I don’t feel much anymore. Not since Ben.
“Get out.” Her natural reaction would be to kick me out of the house. After that, I’m not sure what she’ll say or do. There’s only one way to find out...
I left the bedroom and went downstairs, towards the front door. Before letting myself out of the house, I took the house-keys from where they hung on the wall of the hallway. Not sure how long I’m going to be round Kelly’s so I’d better lock the front door. Hasn’t happened yet but, even so, I don’t need anyone walking around and letting themselves in. Not whilst Ben is sat there ready to greet them.
I closed the front door and locked it before slipping the keys into the back pocket of my jeans. A quick check of the handle - it’s definitely locked. A shame that I’ll still question whether I locked the door properly before I make it to the end of the driveway. I’ve always been paranoid when it comes to shutting doors properly. Not sure why.
True to form, before I reached the end of the driveway, I turned around to give the front door a double check. Okay, definitely locked. Definitely. I blame Ben on the paranoid state of my mind. Can just imagine today being the day someone decides to let themselves in only to be confronted by his rotting corpse. Well, they can now. The door is definitely locked.
“Are you sure?” asked Ben. No he didn’t. Stop doing that. I ignored the nagging doubt in my head and walked on to Kelly’s house. By the time I got to her front door, my heart was in my throat.
I reached up with my right hand, knocked the door and patiently waited for Kelly to come and open it. Footsteps on the other side.
The door opened - it was Liam.
“Please,” he said, “don’t run o
ff...Please...”
“I’m here to see Kelly,” I told him. What the fuck was he doing here? His car wasn’t here. He should be at work now. It’s nearly nine o’clock. He shouldn’t be here!
“She isn’t here...” I turned and went to walk off but he grabbed my arm and stopped me, “Wait.” I like the way he said ‘wait’ as though I had much of a choice. His grip of my arm ensured I was going nowhere even if I wanted to. “Please...Come in...Let’s talk. Please. I promise...What happened yesterday...Won’t happen again. Please.”
Was he telling the truth? He sounded as though he may be. I turned to him. The expression on his face looked genuine enough.
“Please.” He looked over my shoulder as though embarrassed we may be seen by someone else. “Come in. I just want to talk. Two minutes and then, if you want, you can leave again.”
“Where’s Kelly?” I asked.
“She’s out for the day. I let her take my car...”
Why would he do that? He never let her drive his car. From conversations with Kelly, in the past, he was as anal about his car as Ben was about his.
“I had a feeling you might come over,” he continued. “Please...Come in. Two minutes. What’s the worst that can happen?”
In my mind I tried to recall how long it took to bash Ben’s brains in with the frying pan...
“Two minutes,” he repeated himself.
He loosened his grip on my arm enough for me to pull away. I didn’t run, though. Didn’t run back to the safety of my own home. Didn’t run back to Ben like I would have had this happened at the start of our relationship - when everything felt magic. I didn’t even move. Just stood there. We both just stood there.
“Look, what happened yesterday...I’m sorry,” he said. “I don’t know what came over me. It’s just...I’m going through a rough time at the moment. I felt confused.”
Was it a spur of the moment action brought about by the difficulties he was having with Kelly? My mind is all over the place and I can’t think straight. What with Ben, next door, the worry Kelly and Liam will discover what I’ve done and last night’s kiss - it’s no wonder I can’t think straight.
“Come in. Please. We’ll talk. Like we used to. Pretend it never happened. What do you say?”
I didn’t know what to say. Now it’s happened - the more I’ve been thinking about Kelly and the fallout it would cause them...The more I think I could use the situation to my advantage...If Kelly were to know what happened.
“I’m going to need an answer,” said Liam; a look of desperation and panic on his face.
“I’m not sure,” I stalled.
If I don’t tell Kelly, I’m back to square one. She’ll be keeping a close eye on me - because that’s what friends do when one of them is feeling down. With her watching closely, I won’t be able to get rid of Ben.
“Come on,” said Liam, “I said I’m sorry. What more do you want? It was stupid. I know that. You know that. Let’s just forget about it and...”
I interrupted him, “I’ve left my iron on, excuse me...”
I turned my back on him and went back to my own house - not looking back any step of the way. I can’t hear him behind me...Good.
“Naomi!” he called out from his front porch.
Ignore him.
I fished in my jean pocket until I found, and pulled out, my front door key. I still couldn’t hear him behind me as I slid the key into the lock and let myself in - slamming the door behind me. I rested my back against the door and breathed a heavy sigh of relief. Thankful to be away from Liam but disappointed Kelly wasn’t home so I could finish this once and for all.
I don’t have a choice other than to tell Kelly. I have to tell Kelly even if he does seem apologetic and guilty. He only has himself to blame. He’s the one who made a move in the first place. Kelly needs to know. I just hope he isn’t able to smooth things out with her straight away. Just hope it causes enough problems between the two of them to distract them long enough for me to get Ben under the ground. I hope. Who knows, I might even try and get them back together once I have Ben out of the way. Might.
A loud banging noise on the door shatters my thoughts and makes me jump.
“Open up!”
It’s Liam. I span around to face the door and started backing down the hallway a little. Just in case the door suddenly flew off it’s hinges.
“Naomi! Open this fucking door...”
Shit.
He didn’t stop banging and kicking the door. The rate he’s going, there’s a good chance he’ll come through it. Even if he doesn’t - a neighbour from the other side of the road might hear all the commotion and call the police.
“NAOMI!”
Great, he’s getting louder. I have no choice but to let him in. I can’t risk the police being called out because of a domestic disturbance. Of all the ways I could get caught out.
“JUST BECAUSE YOUR MARRIAGE IS IN RUINS - WHY RUIN MINE?”
More banging on the weakening wood.
“I’m opening the door but not until you calm down,” I called through.
The banging stopped.
CHAPTER TEN
I tentatively opened the door. Liam looked angry.
“You can’t come in,” I said.
My words weren’t enough. He pushed past me causing my heart to skip a beat - worried he might carry on down the hallway...Worried he might spot Ben in the dining room. Maybe even attracted to the room to subconsciously check out where the smell was coming from. Thankfully he stopped - a little past me...Just far enough away from the door that I wouldn’t be able to push him back out and close it on him.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
“Forget what I said earlier. Let’s just run away.”
“What?”
“You and me. Fuck it. Why not? Let’s just run away.”
Here’s the man who couldn’t believe Ben had run off with another woman. Here’s the man who was now trying the very same thing with me.
“You’re out of your mind!” I said. All the time, here was me thinking I was the crazy one. Maybe we’re all just as flawed as each other.
“She’s going to leave me, Naomi...”
“What?”
“Kelly’s going to leave me. She doesn’t love me anymore. She told me so.”
“When?”
Had my marriage dissolving been the kick-start to their own marital problems. The thought of Ben running off to start a new life with a woman - was that enough to make Liam and Kelly think it could be done too? That either of them could run off to start a new life with someone they loved more?
“A week ago. It’s been coming for months. I can’t even remember the last time we slept together. In the same bed, I mean. She said I repulse her...”
I don’t believe him. Not because I doubt they haven’t shared a bed - more so because I doubt Kelly’d say he repulsed her. It didn’t sound like something she’d say.
He continued, “I don’t want to be alone...”
So I’m the rebound? Lucky me.
“What you just told me next door...About it being a mistake...” I said.
“I wanted you to come in the house - didn’t want to have to argue and fight with you outside where people could watch and listen...”
My brain felt as though it were going to explode.
“We could run away. Before she gets back, I could pack my bags. You could pack yours. We could just leave. The two of us. We’d be happy together. You know we would. I’d treat you like a Princess. The way you deserve to be treated...”
“We can’t...”
As crazy as it sounds, it does sound tempting. It really does. We could run away. Just disappear. The two of us. Together. Start a new life. I don’t like him in that way but maybe, in time, I could learn to? Any excuse to get away from what’s hidden in the dining room.
“We can. I have money. You know I do.”
“What about me?” a subdued voice didn’t coming from the dining roo
m.
“You’re dead,” I answered the voice - momentarily forgetting it was in my head.
“What?”
I realised my mistake and promptly changed the subject, “We can’t go away. It wouldn’t work.”
He lunged forward and grabbed my arms before pulling me close, “We can. It would be perfect.” I tried to move away from him but his grip was tight.
