A Forest of Corpses

by P. A. Brown

  This time it was crawling with maggots. Small, white things writhed in Alex's flesh. In my more frequent hikes, when I was younger, I had come across my share of carcasses, from fresh to reeking piles of maggots and beetles.

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  But this was Alex, and he wasn't dead.

  I don't know what I would have done if the sheriffs and the rangers hadn't arrived then. They had come, not only responding to my call, but to the two bikers who had reported gunshots and subsequent calls that Danny and Niko made after I left them.

  It had taken them hours to get Alex off the mountain to Santa Barbara and the hospital. Hours that had shaved a decade off my life. They had taken him straight to the OR and six hours later had put him in ICU. I had thought it was over then, but now this Dr. Abena told me Alex had to have more surgeries. That he wasn't out of the woods yet.

  I stopped pacing and faced him. If he saw my rage he didn't react to it.

  "Are you still saying he needs more operations?"

  "At least one," Abena said. "His body has been through tremendous trauma. The maggots were a great aid in keeping infection at bay, without them I'm not sure he would have survived. But even with their presence, there is still considerable organ damage."

  I had been horrified when I found his wound infested with fly maggots. But according to this doctor, if left, the wound would have become necrotic and would have poisoned Alex's blood. It would have killed him long before I found him. The maggots had consumed the dead flesh, keeping it from poisoning him. It was humbling to think we owed Alex's life to a disgusting grub.

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  "I've scheduled the first of them for tomorrow. Following that, I will assess him again, then we can talk about the next, and hopefully last, operation."

  I stared helplessly over at Alex. I wished he had stayed awake, even though I was glad he was resting, getting stronger. I wanted his strength. But I also hated having this decision put in my hands. But Alex had no family beyond his ex-wife and she was hardly one I could approach about what to do. I was his registered partner, so the whole thing was square on my shoulders, where I didn't want it. Alex was the one who was supposed to be in charge. He should be making these decisions.

  Only he couldn't, could he?

  I had his life in my unqualified hands again. And the responsibility terrified me.

  I took a deep breath and without taking my eyes off Alex, I nodded. "Then schedule it. Do whatever you have to do to make him well."

  "I'll see it through myself."

  He left soon after, leaving me alone with my lover and my dark, empty thoughts.

  I barely left Alex's side. Every night someone would come in and send me home. Only there was no way I was driving all the way to Goleta every night, so I kept the motel near the hospital. I would eat breakfast on the way in, barely stop for lunch, which usually consisted of coffee and a sugar fix that I paid for later in the day. Dinner was barely much more.

  I was losing weight. I didn't notice or pay any attention until Nancy came by to see how he was doing. Since she had 255

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  stopped my rage-filled rampage the day they wouldn't let me see Alex, I hadn't seen her. The day after Alex's second surgery she was in the room with a young Latino man. She took one look at me and dragged me out into the hallway.

  "What the hell do you think you're doing, Jason?"

  "What do you mean?" I wanted to pull away from her. I needed to be in there with Alex, not out here with this woman.

  "Christ, man, have you looked in a fucking mirror lately?

  Do you shave on autopilot? Have you eaten anything today?"

  I wanted to tell her to go away, but she had been part of Alex's life a lot longer than I had. She had been there, right from the day he and I met. Before I could snap a retort at her, she took my chin in her hand and forced me to look at her.

  "Go home, Jason. For Alex's sake if not your own. You're not going to do jack shit for him if you collapse and end up in the bed next to him."

  I wanted to jerk away from her, but her look was so worried I caved. I took her hand and squeezed it hard enough to leave my knuckles white. I could tell her one thing I would never have admitted to anyone, even Alex.

  "I'm scared."

  "What does the doctor say?" she asked, gently.

  "He says he'll be okay, but what if he's wrong? God, you didn't see him up there. You don't know what he looked like. I thought he was dead." I knew my voice was rising, I was edging into hysteria. Maybe it was exhaustion. Maybe it was just the whole thing finally crashing down on me. What I 256

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  might lose. What I still could lose. "What would I do without him?"

  "Don't think like that," she said fiercely. "Alex sure as hell wouldn't give up on himself. He got this far by fighting. He's still fighting."

  I was barely aware of the Latino man who had come with Nancy joining us. Nancy took advantage of his arrival to pull away from me. She indicated the other man.

  "This is Detective Miguel Dominguez, Alex's partner.

  Miguel, this is Jason Zachary."

  Alex didn't talk a lot about his job. I knew when things were going well for him, and I knew when he'd had a bad day. I tried to make our home a sanctuary for him so he could leave the ugliness of his world behind him. I knew Nancy had succeeded Alex's old boss, going from being his partner to being his boss. A lot of men would not have taken that well, but Alex seemed to have nothing but good things to say about this new boss. But he never mentioned his new partner. Was that a good sign, or a bad one?

  I kept my questions to myself and extended my hand, which Miguel took gingerly. Only then did I notice the cross on a chain around his neck. So his next words didn't really surprise me.

  "I've prayed for Alexander. God will be with him in his hour of need."

  I didn't know what to say to that. Neither Alex or I were very religious. My life hadn't lent itself to having much faith in an outside deity and Alex never talked about it. It just wasn't 257

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  part of our life. I had to say something, though. I nodded stiffly.

  "Thank you."

  "Have you eaten anything today?" Nancy demanded.

  Reluctantly I shook my head. "Breakfast—"

  "That's what I thought." She took my arm and I wasn't surprised when she said, "You're coming with us then. I'm going to see that you at least have one solid meal. From the looks of it, it will be the first in a while."

  I bristled, but in the end, didn't have the energy to argue.

  We ended up at a nearby Denny's. I ordered coffee, not sure my stomach could take much food. The last couple of days my appetite had been non-existent. I got queasy every time I thought about what Alex faced. I was sure if I tried eating I would only be sick. I didn't need that right now.

  But Alex's boss wasn't listening to my stomach or my protests. She ordered herself steak and insisted I at least get a salad. I said Caesar, she made them add chicken to it. I resigned myself to eating, figuring I could get some of it down. When the food was delivered, Miguel bowed his head and said a silent prayer. He caught me off guard so I didn't have time to do more than dip my chin down on my chest before he muttered "Amen" and picked up his napkin. I traded glances with Nancy but she remained impassive.

  Instead, her laser gaze settled on my salad, making it clear what she expected.

  I had an easier time going through maybe a gallon of coffee, though from the looks Nancy kept throwing me she wasn't impressed. In the end, I shoveled food into my mouth, 258

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  barely tasting it, but apparently it satisfied Nancy. At least I kept it down.

  I finished
long before either of them and spent the time waiting staring out the window beside me at street outside. A steady stream of vehicles passed, and I checked each one out. I watched the movement, not really seeing anyone.

  Finally, Nancy signaled for the check after telling me it was a department business expense, so it was on her. Not that I cared whether she got it past accounting or not.

  All I wanted to do was get back to Alex.

  Nancy had other plans. We were in the parking lot of my motel before I realized what she was doing. She jerked my door open and stood there until I climbed out.

  "You are going to go in there, and you are going to stay here until either I or one of my men comes back for you. I can guarantee that won't be for at least six hours. I don't care if you don't sleep. I don't care if you stand on your head for six hours, but you are not going near that hospital until I say you can. You get sick on my watch, and we both know Alex will have my head."

  I opened my mouth to protest but the look on her face stopped me. I could see why she became Lieutenant and why Alex accepted her as his boss. She was a strong woman. And she was right. Alex would be pissed. The last thing I wanted to do was aggravate a sick man.

  I nodded at her, feeling grumpy, but I pulled my keys out and headed for my room. I didn't need to look back to know Nancy and Miguel were still there when I shut and locked the door.

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  The room was dim and cool. I turned the TV on and mindlessly flipped through the dozen channels available, ignoring the posted sign that enticed me to watch hours of XXX videos. I stopped at CNN and let it play in the background. There were no more stories of the huge pot bust the Sheriffs and Forest Service claimed had netted them something like ten thousand plants worth twenty million on the streets. Alex had been briefly mentioned in the first reports, but when he survived and was just a guy in the hospital he became yesterday's news fast. Not that I minded.

  The last thing either Alex or I wanted was being hounded by two legged vultures out for a sound bite.

  I lay down on top of the bed, knowing Nancy had been right. I needed to rest. The Denny's lunch sat heavy in my gut. The coffee left my nerves jangled and I doubted I'd sleep, no matter how much I might need it.

  I shut my eyes, expecting my mind to start racing again like it did every time I tried to rest. Memories of Alex when he sent me away. Sent me off, knowing he was going to die. He wanted me safe and that enraged me, even as it only deepened my love for him. Who makes that kind of sacrifice for another person? I always knew I would die for him, but to know he would do the same for me was numbing. How could I ever be enough for this man?

  I blinked and rolled over on the scratchy bed cover. I blinked again. It was dark. Night pressed against the barred window that looked out on the parking lot. A splash of light from a car entering the lot must have been what had awakened me. I had slept after all.

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  I squinted at my Timex. Jesus, I'd been asleep for hours.

  It was dinner time at the hospital. Alex wouldn't be eating tonight, not with surgery tomorrow. But with luck he would be up. I had to get there before visiting hours ended.

  Shit, my car was still at the hospital. I'd have to call a cab.

  I had to take a shower. Shave. Get dressed. I'd lost the new iPhone in the forest, but I'd still had my old one at home, but I hadn't been back home to pick it up. I'd have to use the motel phone.

  Before I could find the number for a cab there was a knock. Without thinking, I threw the door open to find Miguel standing there looking uncomfortable.

  "Are you here to take me to the hospital? Where's Lieutenant Pickard?"

  "She's at the station," he said stiffly. "She asked me to take you back to the hospital."

  "I'm not quite ready. Can you give me five?"

  The shave would have to wait. The shower was nothing more than a quick wash down with a wet cloth and some deodorant under my arms. Throw on a pair of jeans and T-shirt and I hurried out. I slid into the minivan and without a word, Miguel rolled.

  I tried for small talk during the ten-minute drive.

  "How long have you and Alex been partners?"

  "Five months. Since the Lieutenant became squad commander."

  I wanted to ask him how that was working for him, but decided that sounded too flippant and I wasn't feeling all that flippant at the moment. I watched the passing scenery. Lights 261

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  were going on all over as dusk deepened. The sky to the west was stained blood red as the sun sank into the Pacific.

  I kept talking. "How long have you been a police officer?"

  "Nine years."

  Short answers. The guy wasn't a talker, that was for sure.

  Maybe he didn't like talking about his work with an outsider.

  So ask him something else. "You married?"

  "Yes. Ten years."

  Ah, two whole sentences. I was on to something. "Any children?"

  When his face lit up I knew I'd hit the spot.

  "We have three. Two sons and Maria, my little girl. She is five and the sweetest angel ever."

  Not having spent any time around kids I took his word for it. "What are your sons' names?"

  Now he puffed up like a pouter pigeon. "Ramon and Miguel Estefan, my oldest."

  The hospital was just ahead of us. "How old are they? Are they in school?"

  "Miguel is eight and Ramon is two. Miguel goes to Our Lady of Mount Carmel. He is an honors student." He surprised me by smiling. "He's smarter than his old man."

  "Most kids are," I murmured, remembering how it had been with my dad when I was that age. We had been very close until I stormed into my teen years and got racked up with accusations of fooling around with a neighbor boy. After that, no one in my family talked to me for years. But before that had happened, my dad thought I was smart, too. Both he and my mother plotted out my whole life, through 262

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  university to something big. A doctor. CEO. Somebody important.

  Well, destiny delayed didn't have to be destiny denied. I had come a long way from the self-destructive jerk Detective Spider had arrested less than a year ago. Part of that was because of Alex, but part of it was my own success. I had changed my path. When Alex came back to claim me, I had been on my way already. He had supported me in everything I had wanted to do. Had been there for me a hundred percent and given me a reason to be the best. For him.

  And for me.

  I understood that now. It wasn't enough to hand myself over to anyone, even Alex. I had to keep a part of my soul.

  My core.

  And be the man I wanted to be. For me. Not for anyone else.

  I was surprised when Miguel followed me in to Alex's room.

  I guess I thought he'd been by to check on him before he came out to get me. Had Nancy told him to keep an eye on me?

  But I forgot all that when I walked through the door and found Alex awake and propped up in bed. A white bandage covered his abdomen and his face was unshaved, but I had never seen a more beautiful sight in my life.

  His face lit up when he saw me. We both ignored Miguel who hovered in the doorway, not coming or going.

  I sat on the bed facing him, touching his rough face. He smiled against my hand. "You're awake," I said, grinning inanely. "How are you feeling?"

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  "Good. Considering."

  "Considering what?"

  "The alternative."

  That threw a dash of ice water on my humor, deflating it.

  He read my fear and took my hand in his. "Hey, I'm really all right. Even the doctor agrees."

  Maybe he just realized Miguel was there. He didn't let go of my hand but he did direct his foc
us on his partner.

  "Miguel."

  "Detective Spider. Lieutenant Pickard wanted me to bring your, ah, friend to visit. He left his vehicle here today and needed a lift."

  "Why'd you leave the car?" Alex met my eyes, looking puzzled.

  I shrugged and threw a scowl toward Miguel. "Your boss took it in her hands to send me away to rest."

  "She took you back to Goleta?"

  "No," I admitted. "A motel."

  "And did you?"

  "Did I what?"

  "Rest?"

  "Yes."

  Alex looked over my head. "Was there something else, officer?"

  "The Lieutenant wanted me to tell you she has a deposition tomorrow so will not be available and that if you wanted anything, I was to be at your disposal after my watch."

  "Thanks, Miguel." Alex squeezed my hand. "I think we'll be okay, won't we?"

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  "Yes, we'll be just fine."

  Alex let his head fall back on the pillow as soon as Miguel was out the door. In alarm I leaned over him.

  "Are you really okay?"

  At first, I thought he was going to brush off my concern with his usual brusque yes, he was fine in that voice that brooked no argument. Then he stopped what he was going to say and a look of pain crossed his face.

  "No," he said softly. "I'm not."

  I didn't know what to say. Not once in all the time I had known him had I ever heard Alex admit a single weakness.

  "He wants me under the knife again tomorrow. And probably another one after that. He won't say when, says it depends on how tomorrow goes."

  "Alex..."

  "I'll probably lose a kidney. Maybe my spleen, but that's not as big a deal. And I still have one kidney, right? For now.

  What if it doesn't go well? What if he wants to put a God damn bag on me?"

  "You know I'll always be here for you, no matter what."

  "Here to what? Look after a fucking cripple?"