Rage to Adore

by Cara Lake

  The moment the words left her mouth she wished she could take them back. Jaro’s eyes flashed with so many undisguised emotions that her heart was left shattered. Shock, pain. Fury, bitterness. Resignation, love. She felt the love but it was fleeting as hurt and anger rose to the fore. “Yeah, you made a mistake, Red. You confused me with Lorcan. I told you before, I am what I am. I told you to keep away. If you got burned it’s your own fault. I take from the innocent, remember. Now leave me the fuck alone!” He turned away, too angry to speak.

  “Jaro! I…I…didn’t…” Tani’s voice cracked. What the hell? How could she reach out to him? She hadn’t meant to say what she’d said. Truth be told it no longer mattered to her what he was, what he’d done. She had to believe people could change and she knew how things could be twisted. Lorcan, for example. He was supposed to be honorable. Jaro was not. Yet Lorcan had lied to her or at the very least deliberately misled her.

  Jaro turned back to her then, his hands gripping her shoulders. “Didn’t what? Didn’t agree to fuck last night? Are you going to accuse me of rape now?” Her lips parted as she stared into the blazing mercury inferno, indigo rings flashing with dark fury. Her hand lifted to palm his cheek, her thumb brushing his furious lips. She wanted to soothe, to kiss away the hurt that dug into his brow. Tendrils of compassion wove a path toward him, but this time, along with the comfort she sent waves of love. Her love. Real and unwavering. Sharp nails bit into her skin. He flinched, his expression shifting from anger to agony. “Don’t! For Chaos’ sake, Red!” He shoved her away, his nails ripping away flesh from her arms as she fell.

  Tani landed in a heap. She looked up at him to find him staring at her, his eyes full of horror, hands raking through black hair. He started toward her but stopped two feet away. He was shaking. A roar escaped his throat and the air around him shimmered. Jaro half shifted as he had the night before, his hands taking on barghesti form. She could feel his rage but it wasn’t directed at her. She was safe. It was hatred for what he was and what he’d been. What he’d done to her. His large claws fisted and he turned swiftly, pounding at the trunk of the nearest tree. It fell with a crash as Jaro broke into a run, fully shifted, dark fur gleaming blue-black in the sunlight. And then he was gone, disappearing into the undergrowth.

  Watching him go, her mind in turmoil, Tani felt the sting of tears against her cheeks. She wiped them away. Now was no time to cry, even though Jaro had rejected her again! He had negated what had happened between them. She had felt his pain—a pain so great she couldn’t bear to dwell on it, amplified as it was by her own. So excruciating it ripped into her broken heart and shredded her soul. To counteract the agony in her chest, Tani felt both her mind and body slip into shock, a creeping numbness paralyzing her senses as Jaro’s presence faded from view. She stood there, looking after him. Immobile, helpless and totally bereft.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Mercy

  Footfalls through the undergrowth. A babble of voices all around. Tani awoke from the dazed shock that had ripped her heart out to find a sudden swarm of faces talking at her. She could barely hear the words, saw only lips in motion, tensed as strong hands enclosed her arms, pulling, grabbing. Her mind was somewhere else, still enclosed in the blanket of fog that had glazed her vision since Jaro had left. She didn’t know how long she’d been standing there, didn’t know who had grabbed her, could barely make out the features of the faces that crossed in front of her. Someone shook her, two hands on her shoulders. Blue eyes wide with fear. “Tani!” A voice spoke, urgent. Worried. “Tani! Snap out of it!”

  All of a sudden she breathed. A deep gush of air expelled from her lungs and Tani was forced to face reality. Cassi! Cassi was here! Her sigh was a deep sigh of relief as she let herself fall into Cassi’s arms. Familiar welcome faces surrounded her. Cassi, Borealis, other Eunomi warriors.

  “Thank Gaia!” Cassi cried. “Are you all right?”

  Tani nodded, but inside her heart was screaming a loud resounding No! Screaming that she would never be all right again. She was hit by a sharp stab of fear. “Where’s Jaro?”

  “That mercenary bastard,” said Borealis. “He’s been secured. What are you doing with him?” Tani eyed her commander warily. “You know him?”

  “We’ve met before,” he replied ominously. Cassi’s eyes narrowed and Tani could feel her friend’s blue gaze assessing her reactions. “He’s not the one you were looking for, is he? Your Esseni partner?”

  “No, no, of course not.” Still disoriented, hurt by Jaro’s rejection and confused by Borealis’s reaction to Jaro’s name, Tani was quick to deny it. At that precise moment she turned her head toward a rustling in the foliage, her eyes locking on to furious molten silver.

  Jaro emerged into the clearing. Waves of vicious anger rolling outward, he kept his savage gaze on her. She barely registered that he was naked, his hands tied in front of him at the wrists. All she could see was Jaro’s hate-filled eyes, dark indigo rings flashing on hearing her denial. Well, she guessed that paid him back for his rejection of her and made them even. Her heart constricted. She knew she had hurt him and it wasn’t what she really wanted to do. It was then she realized he was being led at knifepoint by three more Eunomi warriors, one of whom was Tyr Bellor, a distant cousin of hers and the current Esseni of War.

  “Tani!” Tyr’s deep voice broke through the thin thread that still connected her to Jaro. It was faint but it was there, stretched to its limit, so taut she was sure if she moved it would break. Her attention focusing on Tyr, she clung to that thread, not wanting to let go even though she sensed Jaro’s withdrawal. She didn’t blame him for it, not after the hurtful accusations she had thrown at him. She would just have to hold on until she could fix what she had broken. Two strong arms embraced her warmly. “I’m so glad you’re okay.” A murderous growl vibrated in the air as she returned the greeting. The thread almost snapped and with it her heart.

  “What shall we do with him?” Borealis gestured toward Jaro. Bellor turned to his prisoner, his arm still holding Tani close. Something passed between the two men that Tani didn’t quite understand but suspected was a connection based on their warrior blood. “He comes with us.”

  Tani swallowed her relief, holding it inside along with her fear and what was left of the shredded fibers that had been cut. She could still make sense of this. The Eunomi would take her back to Serpens; she would confront Lorcan to find out the truth and do what she could to save Jaro. For now it was better to let her friends believe Lorcan was the Esseni. If she told them she thought her duality was Jaro they would probably kill him. There seemed to be some history between Tyr and Jaro and very little trust. They would find it hard to believe he wouldn’t betray her to the Discordants if he was the true Esseni of Hate. Previous ones had proven to be untrustworthy, as she well knew from the experience of her cousin, Tyr’s mother, Carita.

  “Get him some clothes,” said Cassi. “Why is he naked anyway?”

  “Luckily for us he was half shifting when we found him,” said Tyr. “So we were able to suppress his saevici ability with a wiccani spell.”

  “You fight dirty, Bellor,” Jaro growled, as a warrior threw him a pair of combat pants.

  Cassi drew Tani to one side and spoke quietly. “I don’t think the guys have noticed but he has the Taijitu mark. Is there something you’re not telling us?”

  Tani swallowed, heat rising, more in anger than in fear. Trust Cassi to notice. A sense of possession gripped her chest that she fought to suppress and appear nonchalant. “He’s my duality’s brother. Twin brother,” she explained.

  “So the Taijitu he has?”

  “He’s a shadow Esseni.”

  “Really? I had heard it was possible with twins.” Cassi raised her eyebrows. “Well, if his brother is identical all I can say is, you lucked out, girl! He’s hot. Even if he is a bastard.”

  Tani clenched her fists. Cassi was a good friend but at that precise moment she could picture herself scratching her
eyes out to stop her from lusting over her man. Her man! How she wanted that to be true and even if it wasn’t, Cassi had better keep her damn hands off him!

  Jaro’s heart raged. Fury building inside, he emitted a savage growl when Bellor put his hands on Tani. Although he had denied her first, hearing her deny him, even though he had told her to had cut him deeply. Some small part of him had clung to the faint hope that for once perhaps someone would stand by him. That was too much to expect. She still thought Lorcan was the one. Even after last night! Guilt and jealousy ate into his gut, churning acid bile into nausea. She would go back to Serpens. Be with Lorcan, and Lorcan would betray her. The thought still made him sick.

  Betrayal. The sword that hovered over him at all times, a constant threat. The one word that had gouged out chunks of his heart, time after time until there was nothing left but an empty black, hollow chamber. The word cut into his flesh, slicing open the wounds and scars that already marred his back creating new ones, fresh, raw, bloody. How could she do this to him? He knew it was his own fault. He had raged at her, told her that last night meant nothing when it had meant everything. He had given her the power to destroy him. If the Eunomi didn’t kill him, could he do that to her? Leave her to Phenex and Choronzon. He could use her to gain his freedom. Could he do that to her? Betray the one woman whose touch had the power to soothe the fire of his hatred. Something about her called to the blackest depths of his soul. He had thought his heart dead, but a small ember smoldered inside the hollow space, a residue, an echo of who he once was. Only she had the power to ignite that spark.

  But it was her fault that the Eunomi had taken him. He had shifted fully after she raged at him, her words of anger slicing him deep to the bone. He deserved everything he got. Everything. He sure as hell didn’t deserve her, and running to get away from her, at that moment he hated her more than he’d ever hated anyone. Not his mother, his brother, not even Phenex. He hated her because he loved her. He loved her more than life itself. More than his need for revenge which meant he had to let her go and in doing so, it would kill him. He hadn’t gone far when he stopped running, intent on going back. He was in the process of shifting, down on his hands and knees when three Eunomi warriors burst out of the trees. He didn’t even bother to put up a fight. Hearing the suppression incantation, he knew he had no chance. He let them take him.

  Surprise flickered in his eyes when he realized the largest of the warriors was Tyr Bellor, Esseni of War, his old foe. They had encountered each other before. Back on Earth, they had fought in the boxing ring before Tyr knew what he was or even that other races existed. Jaro had been loaned out by Phenex for many things, as both a boxer and a mercenary and as such he had enriched his master by fighting all over the galaxy. Only Bellor had beaten him in the boxing ring. Although they were equal in strength, Tyr had possessed superior strategy and Jaro could never hold on to his temper against him, which made him careless. But more recently, Jaro had held Bellor’s life in his hands, could have killed both him and Bellor’s woman. The mercy he had shown had earned him a month of torture. Now he was at the mercy of Bellor. He might admire Bellor as a warrior but he didn’t like Bellor touching his woman. His woman! Fuck!

  Jaro’s mind recoiled from that thought as his brain registered Bellor staring at him curiously, his arm thrown casually across Tani’s shoulder. Jaro stared back, his eyes issuing a challenge. “What’s your problem, Bellor?” he spat.

  “No problem, Rodach, just a warning. If you touch my girl here,” he gestured to where Tani had moved aside and was now standing with Cassi, “or hurt her in any way, I’ll come after you.”

  A loud rumbling noise thundered in Jaro’s ears and he realized, as he charged forward, intent on breaking every bone in Bellor’s body that the sound was coming from his own throat.

  Tani jumped in horror as Jaro charged at Tyr and attempted to shift. The strangled growl that erupted from his mouth, twisting in feral savagery was like nothing she had ever heard before. The next moment Jaro was down and writhing on the floor in agony as the suppression spell kicked in.

  “Jaro!” she screamed, falling to her knees by his side. “Stop it! Help him!” Her frantic eyes sought Cassi’s, terrified by the wild thrashing that Jaro would be hurt. Sharp pain in her chest, she latched on to his agony and endeavored to wrap a shroud of comfort over it, trying to dampen the effects of the magick. Her efforts were unrewarded and futile. Jaro continued to fight. Cassi’s hands dragged her away and held her immobile and helpless, watching four warriors subdue him, finally managing it by knocking him unconscious.

  Her sobs were unrelenting. Cassi turned her body, forcing her to look away. “I think she’s still in shock.” Cassi spoke to the other warriors, making excuses for Tani’s distress. Into Tani’s ear she spoke words of warning. “You need to calm down, Tani,” she whispered. “Keep your feelings inside for now. Don’t let them see.”

  “How do you know?” Tani whispered back, wiping the tears from her eyes.

  “I don’t know,” said Cassi. “I just feel. I can feel the energy between the two of you. I’ll keep quiet for now until we figure out what to do.”

  Tani held on to her friend relieved. “I’m not sure what we can do, Cassi. It’s complicated.”

  Cassi’s blue eyes were full of sympathy. “When it comes to Esseni, it always is. Now you need to fill us in on what happened since Antares alerted us that you were kidnapped.”

  As they made their way through the forest on the outskirts of Serpens, Tani tried her best to explain the details of her capture and update Borealis on her mission. He wasn’t keen on letting her return to Morana after hearing Tani’s assertion that Morana had tried to sell her to Phenex, but Tani was adamant that she needed to investigate the hidden room that pointed to Ziad’s presence in that house. She eventually managed to convince him that going back was the only way to know for sure if he had been there and that Morana was an essential tool in accessing her main mission, Lorcan. Borealis acquiesced only after he had forced her to accept that his warriors would take shifts to watch over her.

  The question of Jaro remained an unresolved problem. Borealis was adamant that he was not to be set free, particularly as Tani had admitted Jaro knew she was an Esseni. The warriors had kept him chained and under the suppression spell for the duration of the trek to the forest that edged Serpens. Tani strove to remain aloof, to distance herself from the sight of Jaro being dragged unconscious, her heart aching when he did wake for a few moments and wrestle with his shackles, trying to shift, only to be left writhing in pain as the suppression spell kicked in again. Jaro might be a problem but he was hers to solve.

  That night they camped just outside the city. Tani was left with two of the warriors and Jaro while the others disappeared to make contact with Antares. They were also going to review the situation with Morana, to ensure that Tani would not be walking straight back into a Discordant trap.

  “Jaro!”

  Jaro heard his name whispered, cutting through the darkness, the sound of Tani’s voice striking like a hot iron, searing his chest. It burned. All day he had feigned unconsciousness, waiting for a chance to escape. He had decided to be patient and had been rewarded when most of the warriors including Bellor and Borealis, the two he considered the most dangerous, had left, leaving Tani and only two others behind. The warriors were morons if they thought the suppression spell would keep him under forever. The power of his anger was much stronger than anything they could possibly imagine.

  He had waited for those remaining including Tani to slip into sleep, all the while debating his choices regarding her. Could he take her to Phenex as he was charged to do, or leave her, breaking his oath and disobeying an order? It certainly wouldn’t be the first time. He could easily make up some excuse to Phenex. There was only one choice really and he knew it—he could never hurt her in that way. He might slash at her with his words, filling them with rage, cut her with his pretended indifference and scorn. Anything to keep her a
t arm’s length. But he would never see her physically harmed.

  “Jaro!” A soft hand, warm against his leg, pulling at the shackles. “I have the key,” she said, surprising him.

  “What are you doing?” he growled low into the darkness. Had she come to taunt him? He wouldn’t be surprised after the way he had treated her.

  “Hold still while I undo the cuffs.”

  Frozen in shock he did as she said. She was letting him go! He could barely make out her face, the warriors having decided to forgo a fire so as not to draw attention to themselves, the blanket of night a protective shroud encasing their camp on the outskirts of the city.

  The cuffs gave way. As Tani’s soft hands rubbed his raw ankles Jaro felt the blood surging through his veins bringing heat. The gentle action not only massaged his body back to life but sparked something inside that had long since lain dormant. He didn’t know what it was, couldn’t form it into words but it was there, a tiny ember reviving in the darkness. Her fingers found his wrists, freeing them from the harsh metal, replacing the cold touch of iron with the gentle warmth of her skin. Her hand fluttered onto his chest, upward past his throat to lie softly on his cheek. Her thumbs slowly caressing his jaw, she said, “Jaro, you need to go.”

  “Why?” He had to know. He’d treated her appallingly and she was letting him go? With just a word she could have had him executed. The Eunomi didn’t trust him.

  “You know why,” she said.

  He thought he could feel it tapping at his resistance. If he just let his barriers down he would feel it all, an emotion he didn’t want to feel. Not from her. If he surrendered to it, it would kill him. To have had it and then lose it would be his downfall. The small ember sparked in his gut. He started to put a name to it. Was it hope? Before he could process that thought, the barriers he had erected vibrated on a knife edge. Warm lips pressed against his mouth, the pressure so soft and brief his lips were left singing. That gentle caress nearly undid him. Jaro jerked back, letting her fingers fall away, the heat of her skin replaced by a cold rush of air.