The New Year's Wish

by Sophia Greene

  "Argh! I forgot the bloody chocolate!"

  "Chocolate?"

  "Kayla asked me to buy some."

  I looked at the time, I could still make it without stressing. I was annoyed with myself for forgetting and wasting valuable time with Kayla. Our talk would have to wait.

  "You're going back into town?"

  "I promised I'd get it."

  Tom mumbled something to himself about Kayla having me by the short and curlies, as he went back to the house.

  I shook my own head at myself. Oh, she had me by the balls. The question was: did she know?

  I'd just parked the car in front of the town supermarket when my phone rang. It was Nick.

  "Hi Nick."

  "Hey, so listen I've got you booked on the 7.45 one, Sunday morning. I've rearranged the coming week and I'm sorry but I couldn't get a hold of any numbers for family members."

  "It's ok she's much better, she'll ring them when she can."

  "But her phone's dead?"

  "I'll buy her one, she says she's got the numbers."

  "You're such a good person Matt!"

  "Aw Nick, don't praise me, if you only knew my ulterior motives"

  I laughed a little.

  "Matt, you read like an open book." He laughed back at me and I could see myself in the rearview mirror turning a little pink. If everyone knew how I felt about Kayla, it must be obvious to her too?

  "Well then you know I'm not a good person."

  "Shut up, sure you are. You're taking good care of her, I don't care what your reasons are."

  "She might."

  "Why, what do you mean?"

  "Nothing I'm just frustrated and on edge. I haven't spoken to her yet and I have no idea where we stand."

  "Don't be so worried, I think she feels the same way you do."

  It was nice of him to be so reassuring, but his words didn't calm my inner turmoil. Nothing but hearing her say she felt the same way, would calm me down.

  "So 7.45 Sunday morning and we have to be in New York when?"

  "You have to be in New York by Friday, but I'll e-mail the itinerary and the plane times. You'll pick up the tickets at the desk?"

  "Cool, you're the best Nick. I'm sorry for having disturbed you and your family on your holiday."

  "Don't mention it! Now get your ass back to Kayla and talk to her!"

  "Yes sir!"

  I was home late and the whole house was buzzing. Everyone was busy doing something for tonight. Jackson and Tom were in the kitchen making something I hoped would turn out edible, considering the funky smell I was not sure, and Bobby and Kevin were busy decorating the living room. They had already decked it out with enough glitter and party poppers for a party of 50.

  "Where's Kayla?" I asked Kevin.

  "She went for a walk. Said she needed some fresh air."

  Why would she go for a walk alone in the snow? She'd barely recovered from freezing to death.

  "She's ok, don't look so worried. We made her promise she wouldn't go far, and we gave her Kevin's phone." Bobby looked at me reassuringly. I nodded and asked them what I could help with. I needed to keep myself busy or the time until she returned would be too painful and slow.

  "I think you could help Jackson and Tom, I wasn't too comfortable with their little "experiment" as they called it!"

  Bobby laughed and sprinkled a handful of silver hearts on the table.

  "I'm more worried about what you're doing to this table! Silver hearts? Really?"

  I couldn't help but tease them. They looked a bit taken aback and Bobby instantly became defensive.

  "Well if it was just us I wouldn't do it, but Kayla might like it and we didn't want her to think she was spending New Year's with a bunch of Neanderthals!"

  "Yeah right, for Kayla! That was a good one!"

  I hurried into the kitchen before a party popper could hit me in the back of my head.

  Not that I would be of much help in the kitchen as I never did stay home long enough to learn how to even microwave my own food. When Kayla finally walked in from her walk, red cheeks and nose, looking more refreshed, she took one look at what we were doing and instantly took charge.

  "Jackson, if you chop the potatoes into quarters instead of what you were doing..."

  In a matter of moments we were all busy. She was back to her old self and we were all enjoying her bossing us around, having her in the kitchen sharing the banter, but inside I was bursting! I needed a moment with her alone. To talk. To kiss...I longed to touch her silky skin and feel her hot breath on mine. And I was uncomfortable not knowing what she was thinking and feeling. I didn't like the fact that we could so easily pretend everything was normal, when the last few days had been anything but. When she went back to the room to get ready I followed her. She didn't walk into my room as I'd anticipated but the room next to it. I followed her with a sinking feeling inside.

  "Kayla?" She turned around looking as nothing was wrong.

  "Are you sleeping in here now?" I tried my best to stay neutral.

  "Yeah, I just thought it would be best, you know."

  No I didn't know! I didn't understand!

  "I mean, not that I don't totally appreciate everything you've done for me, you've taken such good care of me Matt, but I'm your assistant and it might be better if I slept in my own bed you know?"

  I was speechless. She was brushing me off, like we weren't talking about the most sensual sex of my life. I hid my disappointment the best I could.

  "Yeah sure, ehm I've got something for you."

  "Yay! You remembered the chocolate! You're the best!"

  "The chocolate?...oh yes, it's in my room but there's something else."

  We were interrupted by the sound of pans crashing to the floor from the kitchen and someone yelling.

  "I better go check that out."

  She ran off to the kitchen to help the boys with whatever trouble they'd gotten themselves into. Damn them! Damn her!

  I felt so stupid! I went back into my room and sat defeated on the bed. How could I have told myself there were signs she felt the same way? It was obvious now that our night together had just been her needing someone to comfort her. In a way I didn't blame her, in her position I would probably have done the same thing, but I felt the hurt all over, like there was an army on a rampage in every fiber of my body. The tears welled up in my eyes. How stupid to let everyone tell you she has feelings for you? How stupid, stupid, bloody stupid!

  The magnitude of my stupidity hit me like a hurricane. Way to go Matt! Now I'd have to endure working with her AND remembering how sweet she tasted and how good she felt.

  "Sorry about that!" Her voice startled me. I turned my eyes towards the floor and bit myself in the cheek to hold back the tears and resume my normal behavior. I began rummaging my bag for her chocolate and phone. And plane ticket.

  "Yeah, no...it's okay, we'd want to have dinner at some point!"

  She smiled I could tell from the corner of my eye. How can she stand there so unaffected?

  "Here's the chocolate, and I got you a new phone."

  "Thanks Matt! Let me know how much it was and I'll..."

  "No, no it's from me."

  "Really?"

  I looked everywhere but into her eyes, I couldn't take much more of this.

  "Sure. I ehm...also got you this. I located the tickets and took out hers. It's for you, so you can go to Paris, even though I know it's after New Year's. Nick has pushed our schedule, so we don't start work until Friday."

  I couldn't read her expression. I assumed she looked a bit sad because I'd brought up her mother, but there was something else in her eyes I couldn't read.

  "Thank you Matt, it's too much, it's very nice of you." Her voice was strained and I felt stupid again. This was such a bad idea. I'd planned on giving her the surprise and go with her, but that was before I knew how she felt about me.

  I was changing into my black trousers for dinner and all I could think of was how wrong this d
ay had turned out to be. I'd wanted to give her the ticket and suitcase in another way, not like it was something that didn't matter. I'd also only given her half the information because I was so upset I could barely speak at the time.

  My stomach was wound up in knots and I had no appetite, neither for food nor life. How would my life be from now on? Having to be so close to her every day, relying on her, how awkward was it going to be? I'd never before felt exposed in any way around her, but now I was building walls as fast as I could around my heart, but how would that play out in reality? I was feeling heavily self conscious all of a sudden. I could hear her laughing through the closed bedroom door. One of the things I liked most about her was her laugh. She always laughed and it came from her heart, that's why it affected me so deeply when she cried. Bubbly Kayla who was a perfectionist and was never thrown by anything, all of a sudden she'd been so small and fragile and needed someone to take care of her for once. How could she turn around so quickly and be back to her old self like nothing had happened? I knew she felt something, I'd felt it in her touch, in her kiss. I wasn't imagining it!

  I stood up, zipped my pants and joined them. When I saw her in the living room smiling and putting food on the table, I decided that two could play this game!

  "By the way Kay..."

  "Yeah?"

  Her deep dimples smiled at me and she brushed some hair out of her face with one finger.

  "Remind me to write down the info and itinerary for you, Nick said the tickets for New York have to be picked up at the airport."

  "Oh, okay, you'll give it to me tomorrow then?"

  "Sure."

  She looked stunningly beautiful. None of us were dressing up in particular since it was just us friends, but she still radiated beauty. Her dark jeans were tight and her tight beige v-neck sweater was deeply revealing. Casual but still sexy as hell.

  We sat down to eat and I silently credited Kayla for the edible food on my plate. The knot in my stomach was twisting into an even tighter knot whenever I looked at her, so leading a normal conversation was out of the question for me. I spent most of the dinner drinking or smoking and feeling the annoyance rising.

  How could she brush me off like that? How could she not even want to acknowledge it had happened? I wanted answers and I wanted them to be good answers. I had been building up courage to say something to her, right then and there, across the table in front of everyone, so she couldn't ignore the subject but just as I opened my mouth she rose from the table and held up her glass.

  "Can I just say how thankful I am for you all, having taken such good care of me! I owe a lot to you all and I hope you all have a wonderful New Year! Cheers!"

  She stared me in the eyes, deep serious brown eyes gazing into mine with a look I couldn't read. The knot came undone for a second before she looked away, leaving my stomach to twist and turn again and my throat to dry out and any words I'd thought of vanishing into thin air. She was hugging everyone and soon came to my seat. I got up on swaying feet, not realizing how drunk I was until now. She gave me a tight hug and I tried to hug her back without touching her.

  "Thank you so much Matt for saving my life and all the other...stuff."

  Her giggle was uncomfortable I could tell. A hand came up to her perfect bangs to smooth out an invisible kink. I just nodded and put my cigarette to my mouth as an excuse not to speak.

  The evening went by in a blur consisting of cigarettes and booze and trying to look at everyone else but her.

  I went out to the big balcony that ran the length of the living room, to get some fresh air and was grateful for the deafening silence up here in the mountains. The snow acted as a silencer, lying in heavy dunes on top of houses, trees and mountains.

  Tom joined me and bummed me for a cigarette.

  "It's almost as cold out here as between you and Kayla."

  "Funny!"

  "What's going on?"

  "I'll tell you what's going on...she doesn't like me that's what's going on!"

  My speech was slurred, even I could tell but I didn't care. I was going to drink this memory of us away.

  "That's rubbish man, she's crazy about you!"

  "I want you to stop telling me that. Got it?"

  I dropped my cigarette in the snow. I found another one in my jacket pocket.

  "Get your head out of your arse will you?"

  "No, she needs to get her arse out of...I mean her, you know!"

  He went back inside, shaking his head at me. Well he could shake his head all he wanted. I was done running around after her like a silly little puppy. Done I tell you!

  Midnight came and went and we toasted each other; I toasted with myself after everyone had gone to bed. Sitting on the couch and looking at all the empty bottles scattered on the table and the fire slowly dying, I tried to suck out every last drop of beer from my bottle. I'd tried continuing the party on my own, but Jackson the party pooper had confiscated the iPod speakers. I'd told him he could sleep all year, so what did one night mean? But he took it with him nevertheless. Happy New Year my fat arse! Nothing happy about the way it had begun! Kayla had ignored me for a good part of the evening, preferring the company of Mr. Shake His Head! HIM she could talk to! And Jackson, Bobby and Kevin! But me? Me she was avoiding like the plague after I'd come back to the party. I'd been nothing but nice hadn't I? I'd even gone back to get her bloody chocolate! She was a tease, that's what she was! She'd used me and now she'd moved on. Well if it hadn't been for me, she'd be dead by now and maybe she should be reminded of that!

  I got up and picked up some bottles and took them into the kitchen. There was a package of cigarettes lying on the counter and I fished out one and went back into the living room to locate a lighter. I couldn't find one.

  What about the fireplace? I tried to stick my head in far enough to get the embers to light it without avail.

  "What are you doing?"

  Her voice surprised me and as I rose to my feet I hit my head against the fireplace.

  "Ouch! Damn it!"

  "Are you alright? Let me see?"

  In a flash she was next to me trying to get her hand on my head. I stood up as straight as I could and looked at her in all her disheveled beauty. She was wearing a pink cotton night dress. Her hair was a mess and her mascara smudged. I wondered if she'd been crying. So what? I don't care anymore, remember!

  "No!"

  "Matt just let me see if you're bleeding."

  "I'm not...do you have a light?"

  Annoyance flashed across her face and she pointed down herself.

  "Do I look like I'm carrying a lighter?"

  "Well aren't you supposed to be in control of everything?"

  I went back into the kitchen and heard her following me. I looked between the empty bottles and found a matchbox. With a couple of attempts I succeeded in lighting my cigarette. Kayla's eyes were dark, almost black and her full lips pursed.

  "That's the wrong end of the cigarette you know that right? Seems like you've got no control!"

  I threw the cigarette out and found another one in the packet and proceeded with lighting it.

  I heard her sigh.

  "Well if it pisses you off so much that I'm still partying why don't you go back to bed? Or maybe Tom has room for you? Shall I go check?"

  I enjoyed pissing her off. Miss High and Mighty was not so in control right now was she?

  "Oh by the way I bought you a suitcase!"

  I remembered the black suitcase still out in the car.

  "Where are you going?"

  "To get the bloody thing for you!"

  "Matt you're not wearing any shoes, get back inside!"

  I looked down and stuck my feet in some boots by the door.

  "Now, I'm wearing boots! You happy?" "Control freak." I mumbled as I opened the heavy door and slipped on some ice outside. I managed not to fall over and got to the car and opened the trunk. I heaved out the big black suitcase I'd gotten for her in town and began bringing it back toward
s the door.

  "There! Now you can fly your little ass off to Paris."

  "What's the matter with you?"

  "I'm fine, you're the fucked up one."

  I pointed at her with the one boot I'd removed from my foot before throwing it away. It landed outside but I shut the door anyway.

  "Yeah I'm fucked up alright, I'm the one sticking my head into the fireplace and walking outside in the snow with no shoes on!"

  "Maybe if you hadn't walked in the snow we wouldn't be like this!"

  "What do you mean? If I hadn't walked in the snow?"

  "I mean, little Miss Control Freak...If you hadn't been almost dying out there, I wouldn't have felt sorry for you and we wouldn't have...we wouldn't have...you know!"

  Waving my arms about I tried to insinuate it. She looked at me crossly.

  "So if I hadn't been in a car accident you might not have shagged me, is that what you're saying?"

  "Well, yea...no! And anyway no good it did me, you've been walking around like a block of ice ever since then!"

  "You're drunk Matt!"

  "And you're cold. COLD AS A FROZEN FISH!"

  I walked back towards my room only to walk straight into the couch and falling over. Bloody hell. Well I can sleep here, it's soft and comfy...

  A pillow hit me in the back head.

  "Get up you arrogant piece of shit!"

  Kayla was hovering like a storm cloud on a rainy day over my head. I lifted my head and shoulder to see what she was doing. She whacked me again with the pillow, this time on my arm.

  "I've been waiting all day to talk to you but either you’re not here or you're ignoring me, so don't you lay this on me!"

  I was dumbfounded. She stared right at me, with black flashing eyes, and I didn't know what to say. I'd misunderstood.

  "Fuck."

  She sat down on the armrest and repeated my words.

  "Fuck indeed."

  "Kayla?"

  "Yes?"

  "I think..."

  "Yes?"

  "I think I'm drunk."

  "I think you are too."

  Her voice and her eyes softened and she got up and grabbed my arm. She pulled me up from the couch and walked me back to my bedroom.

  "I'm sorry for calling you a fish."