Romancing the Shadow

by Connie Zweig

  Before you learn to witness, the psyche is splashed with the emotions of the moment, and your identity is colored by them, even stained. A partial, temporary experience feels as if it becomes the whole person. You might say “I am depressed,” rather than “I feel depression.” Or “I am no good,” rather than “I am no good at doing that task.”

  After you learn to witness, you watch the emotions of the moment, and your identity remains clear, uncolored by the passing phenomenon. You might say “I feel sad with this loss, but I know it will pass.” Or “I’m not skilled at this task, but it doesn’t detract from my overall value.” Witnessing provides a sense of spaciousness in the mind, so that you are more able to live with the onslaught of emotions. When you can witness them, they will control you less and, in this way, your relationship to them changes. To put it differently, with witnessing shadow characters speak to us rather than through us.

  To tie yourself to the mast, you need a rope—that is, a practice that provides a connection to the Self. We suggest using the breath like a rope, as explained in the following meditation exercise. Ideally, you can practice this belly breathing meditation three times a day, cultivating a relaxed, alert state in the nervous system until it is stabilized and present even during the Sirens’ songs.

  For now, take fifteen to twenty minutes to sit quietly and comfortably. Please read the entire directions first, then follow them step by step.

  BELLY BREATHING

  Close your eyes. Place your hands on your abdomen with the tips of your thumbs resting lightly just below your navel. Place your tongue on the roof of your mouth. Imagine that a tube extends down from your throat directly to the center of your abdomen, ending several inches below your navel.

  As you inhale through your nostrils, with your mouth closed, imagine that the breath extends down the tube and into your abdomen like a balloon filling with air. Feel the breath press your hands forward against your pubic bone and expand backward so that you feel the pressure against the inside of your spine and below the kidneys. As you exhale, imagine that the breath returns through the tube, relaxing your abdomen and lower back like a balloon deflating. (First, you may want to use your muscles to experience the abdomen expanding and contracting in this way. But don’t use them during the meditation; simply allow the breath to move your abdomen gently. Ideally, your ribs do not expand and contract outward but move up and down.)

  We suggest that you make belly breathing a part of your daily routine, as regular as brushing your teeth. As the breath ties you to the mast in meditation, it will do so more and more outside of meditation, so that eventually you can feel centered even when strong winds try to blow you off course. You can quiet your mind, settle your emotions, relax your body, and witness the Sirens. In this way, the meditation practice prepares you to meet the shadow with awareness and a capacity to respond more effectively.

  BEGINNING SHADOW-WORK: IDENTIFYING SHADOW CHARACTERS

  Next, you need to identify the presence of a shadow character. Odysseus’s story teaches us to recognize early warning signals that indicate that the Sirens’ seduction is about to begin. These signals typically appear as mechanical, repetitive thoughts (“I’ll never succeed; I’m too dumb; I’m too fat; I need to get high; I can do it tomorrow”), or intractable feelings (fear, guilt, sadness, anger), or specific bodily sensations (tightening in the abdomen, chest, or throat; a feeling of emptiness; a craving). When you begin to recognize these signals as sounds of the Siren, you have an opportunity to avoid being swept away by practicing witnessing.

  The next task: You need to recognize that this thought, feeling, or sensation is not who you are; this is not your identity, your Self. Rather, a character at the table has taken over. And it has a set of specific traits that can be identified as a specific shadow figure.

  As you personify the internal character in an effort to make it more conscious, you can create a distance between it and the King/Queen, who personifies the Self. Then, you can begin to grow more familiar with the specific thoughts, particular feelings, and bodily sensations that belong to this character.

  To personify the character visually, you might ask, Who is there in this moment? Is it a male or female character? Young or old? What does it feel like? What does it need? You ask these questions to evoke an unexpected image. You do not ask them to evoke an old, well-worn answer, but to invite an unknown stranger to come out of the darkness, to make itself available for conscious relationship.

  Then you might ask, What is the voice of the character saying? Some of these characters’ inner voices are only partially conscious and require acute attention to track. Shadow characters typically lack compassion and are highly critical. In other words, they may say “You can’t do it right” or “Who do you think you are?” and in this way reinforce feelings of failure, worthlessness, and unlovability, which create a self-fulfilling prophecy. For instance, our client Lou had published three books and just sold a fourth when he said to the therapist, “I really don’t know how to write.” Or the shadow characters may be overly praiseworthy, reinforcing a false, inflated identity, saying, for example: “You’re so much smarter than everyone else and deserve to be recognized. They’re losers,” thereby setting you up for an impossible standard, which ultimately results in constant attempts to prove yourself. And, of course, this message results in inevitable attacks by the critical inner voice, which bring feelings of failure and separation from others.

  Then you might try to detect the feeling or sensation that precedes the voice inside your mind by asking, What parts of the body feel tight and constricted, numb or empty, tingling and alive when this voice appears? Most people feel these sensations in the chest, middle, and abdominal areas.

  Next, you can trace the roots of this shadow character by recalling a recent time when you fell into the same self-sabotaging pattern. Perhaps you disregarded your own needs or boundaries by making a commitment that you did not want to keep. Or perhaps you had sex although you really did not feel erotic. Maybe you remained silent with a friend or colleague and avoided expressing your authentic feelings or opinions.

  What thoughts, feelings, or sensations stopped you? Which character told you not to express yourself? Perhaps you listened to a voice. What did it say? Each character has a few standard phrases that it uses to usurp power, such as: “You’re stupid.” “He’ll attack me.” “You’re unworthy.” “It doesn’t matter.” Or perhaps you had a feeling. Specify it. Where did you feel it in the body? What qualities did it have?

  To go farther back and trace the history of this pattern, close your eyes and recall an earlier time in your life when you experienced the same inner messages, emotions, or bodily sensations. Once you uncover the history of this pattern and trace its roots, you will see that your reaction in the present moment is really a reaction from the past, a shadow character’s attempt to protect you from reexperiencing an old emotional wound, which instead sabotages you in the present.

  As these patterns recur repeatedly and you identify the image, thoughts, and feelings as a character at the table, they can take on a shape, a personality, even a name. In this way, they become what Jung called shadow figures, differentiated out from the general mass of unconscious material. A few of our clients’ examples: the General, Trixie the Vamp, the Failure, Helga, Meany, Kali, Baby Laura, the Terrorist, the Nazi, the Loser, the Dutiful Daughter, Maude the Fraud. By naming them, locating them in the body, and eventually hearing their messages, you can loosen their hypnotic grip over your life and uncover new choices for yourself. If you use the breath and self-observation to slow down and identify the pattern the next time it occurs, you may have a nanosecond in which you can choose not to respond automatically and potentially express yourself more authentically.

  Furthermore, you can benefit from discovering the consequences of continuing to obey or disobey a certain character. If you begin to observe yourself falling into a maladaptive pattern in daily life as you automatically obey the message
of a shadow character, you can see that the results are predictable: The character repeatedly creates its own suffering.

  In the beginning, we suggest that your goal is not to change rapidly. You have probably been responding in this way for decades. So while you may seek immediate results, we suggest that it may be valuable to observe the pattern for a few more weeks or months. Your goal is to learn to witness the character’s patterns through self-observation and awareness, to be with the shadow rather than to slay it. You can use the belly breathing meditation to center yourself and witness the character, thereby breaking your identification with it.

  At some point down the road, you will meet the shadow character and feel a greater choice; you will not feel compelled to obey. You will be able to wrestle with it, reject its message, and contain the feeling, rather than act it out. For that moment, you are freed of the clutches of the complex and the grasp of Ananke, and you are romancing the shadow. And the character, which had been an enemy, becomes an ally.

  As you continue to bring this shadow character into the light of awareness, the Self can regain the seat of power, so that you can make more self-affirming decisions more consciously for the benefit of the whole kingdom. The character, then, returns to its proper seat at the table, where it can be heard and honored in an appropriate way, such as in a safe relationship or therapeutic setting or creative expression.

  Finally, after identifying a character, tracing its roots, and observing it act out, you may discover its archetypal origins. In this way, you can detect your own mythos, as I, Connie, uncovered the story of Athena and I, Steve, the story of Parsifal. If the central god or goddess in your story is sabotaging your soul’s desires, it may have become a shadow character. For example, if Ares stands behind the fighting spirit of a man who wishes more peace of mind; if Aphrodite lurks behind a seductive wife who wishes to remain monogamous; if Athena, a virgin warrior, controls a woman who wishes to marry and have children; if Dionysus influences a man who is struggling to give up his nightly bottle of wine, then you can learn to honor these gods without identifying with them. When you read their stories and feel more connected to their universal qualities, you also will feel more connected to the story of humanity as a whole. And you will have recovered a piece of your own soul.

  Unconscious of your story, you are in its grasp; but with consciousness, an alchemical process begins: The solidity of the complex dissolves and you can open up to the arrival of a new archetype, the birth of a new cycle of life. In the shadow, then, lies our myth and our fate.

  TUNING TO THE VOICE OF THE SELF

  After you have learned to identify the voice of a Siren—that is, to know when a shadow character at the table has taken over the seat of power—you can begin to listen for the voice of the Self, the ruler of the kingdom. At first, this voice speaks in an almost inaudible whisper. It may feel like a soft, gentle nudge, or it can be seen in the mind’s eye as a fleeting image.

  We like to think of it as a radio station that plays celestial music, a higher frequency that’s accessible but difficult to find. You will know, however, when you reach it because it sounds so right. At first, fiddling with the dial, you may catch the voice of the Self for only a few seconds. It can be difficult to hear it above the din; a shadow character may say that you do not deserve something, or you will be punished, or no one will listen. The Self, on the other hand, may speak with authority, but it is not denigrating to you or to others. It offers guidance and an intuitive sense of right action.

  The consequences of not listening to the Self are high: You may feel anxious, unworthy, diminished, moody, or out of balance as you continue to obey a shadow character. Using the defenses and the shields, you may try to anesthetize the pain. Instead, we prescribe a little shadow-work:

  Meet the shadow: Identify a self-sabotaging behavior and the nanosecond in which the character takes over, silencing the voice of the Self.

  Try to detect the early warning signs: an image of the character, as well as the bodily sensations and repetitive thoughts that accompany it.

  Romance the shadow: Tie yourself to the mast and witness the difficult feelings rather than obey them.

  Trace the roots of the shadow character in your personal history and family patterns.

  Trace the archetypal sources of the character, including the underlying story it is trying to tell.

  Explore your choices: Ask yourself which options are available and how can you respond with more authenticity, as well as more compassion for the other person.

  Observe your resistances: if you choose not to respond differently, be aware of both the internal and external consequences of your choice.

  If you choose to respond in a new way, realign with the voice of the Self and feel revitalized as the shadow character recedes.

  As you practice listening to the shadow characters and tying yourself to the mast, you may focus in on the voice of the Self and begin to hear it more frequently. You get it, then lose it, perhaps projecting it onto a lover or spiritual teacher. Then you can reclaim it again, until you finally lock on. Gradually, you can distinguish the signal from the noise, the voice of the Self whispering below the clatter of the knights. And as you realign with it and the shadow character moves backstage, you become more self-directed and self-accepting. As you begin to trust the wisdom of the Self, you will have the compass you need to sail north on stormy seas.

  WHO’S WHO IN GREEK MYTH: FROM APHRODITE TO ZEUS

  Aphrodite (Roman: Venus). Born in the ocean foam, she is the daughter of the Titan Uranus, the wife of Hephaestus, and the lover of Ares and Adonis. She is the goddess of love who stirs sexual passions for the sake of pleasure itself, while she remains self-sufficient and ultimately unavailable. She is the goddess of beauty, whose skill at the female arts bewitches others and lures them into deep connection. She is an archetypal image of the Beloved and the Lover.

  Apollo. The son of Zeus and Leto, the twin brother of Artemis, the father of Orpheus. He is the god of healing, music, and poetry whose shrine at Delphi reveals the future to mortals. Apollo embodies rationality, linearity, order, predictability, and the day world as against irrationality, disorder, and the night world. He stands for civilization and the words on his temple say: Know thyself.

  Ares (Roman: Mars). Son of Zeus and Hera, father of Romulus and Remus and perhaps of Eros, he is the god of war whose lust for battle, helmet, sword, and spear signify virility. His style of masculinity involves impulsive physical action, but he also protects communities.

  Artemis (Roman: Diana). Daughter of Zeus and Leto, twin of Apollo, she is the goddess of hunting and of the moon. She is also priestess of women’s mysteries: menstruation, childbirth, abortion, and menopause. As a virgin goddess, she is self-contained and loves solitude. Her domain is the virgin forest, which is untouched and uncivilized. And she is linked to the wild beasts: lion, wolf, boar, deer, and bear.

  Athena (Roman: Minerva). The daughter of Zeus and Metis, she sprang forth in full armor from Zeus’s head and continues to identify with men and the masculine ever since. She is the virginal father’s daughter, goddess of wisdom and weaving, and aide to heroes. As the goddess of civilization, she is the namesake of Athens, who brings the plow and the olive tree. After she helped Perseus kill the Gorgon Medusa, she wore the snake-haired head on her shield.

  Cronos. Son of Ouranos and father of Zeus, he is also known as father time. He is one archetypal image of the senex.

  Demeter (Roman: Ceres). She is the corn goddess and archetypal mother of Persephone, who is snatched away by Hades to the underworld. Demeter. then wanders in grief for nine days and nights, causing the earth to go barren with winter. When Zeus arranges for the return of her daughter, the seasons return as well. She embodies the experience of motherhood as loss.

  Dionysus (Roman: Bacchus). He is the son of Zeus and Semele, who insisted on seeing Zeus’s godlike nature and, as a result, was struck dead by lightning. Zeus rescued the unborn Dionysus and carried h
im in his thigh. He is the god of wine and ecstasy, an archetypal image of appetite and excess, known as the Loosener. He is present when we celebrate, dance, drum, and wail, telling us that there is no sanity without a taste of madness.

  Eros (Roman: Cupid). Son of Aphrodite, god of love and relatedness, he carries a quiver of arrows and those he strikes fall in love. He in turn fell in love with Psyche, who did not know his divine origins. When she broke a vow by observing him by candlelight, he abandoned her. And his mother, Aphrodite, assigned the girl impossible tasks to atone. Eros is an archetypal image of connection or relatedness. He brings together any two people in a bond of intimacy. Hades. Son of Cronus and Rhea, brother of Zeus, abductor of Persephone, he is god of the underworld, which is also called Hades. Mythologically, he embodies the deep darkness, the realm of souls. Known as the Invisible One, he is hidden from view. Psychologically, he represents the unconscious realm. Known as the Rich One, he oversees the gold in the dark side.

  Hephaestus (Roman: Vulcan). He was born to Hera to spite Zeus for bearing Athena. When the parents quarrel, Zeus flings Hephaestus from Olympus and he becomes lame. The only Olympian who works, he is god of the forge, where he creates Pandora. As the husband of Aphrodite, he crafts ornaments of great beauty.

  Hera. Wife and sister of Zeus, she is the archetypal wife, patron of wedded love, as seen by the patriarchy. They rule the kingdom as a pair, but Zeus’s many escapades with other goddesses and women stir her jealous rage. She plots revenge against his lovers and their children. In this way, she discovers that she cannot gain her own fulfillment through her husband.

  Hermes (Roman: Mercury). The son of Zeus and Maia, he is messenger of the gods. He wears winged sandals and a hat that makes him invisible. He is patron of merchants and thieves and escorts souls to Hades. As a Trickster god, he is always moving and changing, like liquid mercury. He is one archetypal image of the puer aeternus.