Cold Comfort

by Isobel Hart

  I paid him back for his kindness in any way I could. Helping him avoid uneven pavements was one thing, but watching a partially sighted man try and cook was somewhat nerve-wracking. It was all in my own head, as he was actually very proficient, but whenever I was able, when I wasn’t serving pizzas at the restaurant down the road, I offered to cook for the pair of us. The rest of the time we devoted ourselves to our music. His love was as great as mine, and we quickly began to compose together. Apart from missing Mama, over the six months we’d now been living together I’d never been so happy.

  “Delilah,” Robbie Masters started as soon as he slid into the seat beside me while we waited for our lecture to start, “it’s good to see you.” He’d been one of my most persistent admirers, particularly over the last couple of weeks, materialising beside me when I least expected it. He must have already asked me out twenty times, but I’d never been even slightly tempted to say yes. Sure, he was good-looking, but I’d sworn off men.

  “Robbie,” I acknowledged politely before turning back to Eddy.

  “Can I take you out to dinner tonight?” Robbie asked for the twenty-first time.

  “Sorry, Eddy and I are working on our composition tonight,” I patiently explained. I didn’t like to be rude, but I was reaching the limits of my manners.

  “What do you see in him?” Robbie asked, genuinely bemused.

  “Sorry?” I said, turning back.

  “Eddy. Here you are, one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever laid eyes on, and the only guy you grace with your time is Eddy. I mean, I don’t want to be rude, but… I don’t get it. What does he have that the rest of us don’t?”

  “Size does matter,” was all I could think to say. His eyebrows rose as I continued; “It matters in everything… personality, heart, brains… Eddy’s got them all. Oh, and an enormous penis,” I added. Fortunately for me the lecture started at precisely that moment. I could feel Robbie’s eyes flicking between me and Eddy, while Eddy tried to hold in the snort of laughter that eventually erupted noisily, drawing every eye in the room.

  *

  “Jesus, Delilah, I thought I was going to swallow my tongue trying not to laugh back there,” Eddy said later, guffawing.

  “Sorry. I couldn’t help myself. I hope you don’t mind?”

  “Mind?” He laughed again. “You’re joking aren’t you? I swear to god, I’ve never had so many smiles from women and nods of respect from guys in my life. The rumour about the size of my penis has gone round the campus like wildfire. I owe you a debt of gratitude.”

  “Well, good then.” I smiled at him. “It can go some way towards paying you back for saving my life. The last six months have been amazing thanks to you. I don’t know what I’m going to do without you over the summer.”

  “I’ve told you, you’re welcome to stay at the flat.”

  “I know, but it won’t be the same without you there.”

  “Why don’t you go home and see your Mum? You haven’t been to see her at Easter or Christmas. Won’t she be missing you?”

  “Yeah, but it’s complicated. Anyway,” I said, changing the subject. I hadn’t told him about what had happened at home before I came away. I wasn’t ready to share my mother’s career choice just yet, however much I loved Eddy. “What about this party tonight? Do you want to go? I’m happy to go with you.”

  “Sure. It’s not far, and Carl will be there.” Carl was the object of Eddy’s current fantasies. “Maybe we can finally find someone good enough for you too.”

  “Maybe,” I said noncommittally.

  Several hours later we were both dressed in our finest and ready to party. I’d chosen a short denim skirt and halterneck top, with a suede jacket to keep me warm in the chill of the May evening. My hair was loose, and as ever I hadn’t bothered with make-up. “I’m thinking you’re looking particularly lovely tonight, judging by the blurry outline I can see,” Eddy announced when I emerged.

  After slowly making our way across town to the party, Eddy as ever gripping on to my elbow, we reached the venue. I was momentarily dumbstruck. The place was huge. I tried to describe it to him, but the door was opened before I had a chance. Robbie stood there beaming down at us. I groaned. I hadn’t realised he’d be here, but I had to admire him for his perseverance.

  “Let me get you a drink,” Robbie insisted as soon as we’d made it through the door and he’d taken my jacket from me. Eddie rolled his magnified eyes as we both followed him through the house until we reached the kitchen. “What can I get you?” he asked.

  “She’s not a big drinker,” Eddie helpfully informed him.

  “Really? What have you tried so far?” he asked.

  “Umm, wine, beer, whiskey, gin…” I trailed off. He looked thoughtful for a moment and then clearly had a revelation. He disappeared over to the fridge, where he rummaged for a bit before emerging with a carton. Then he grabbed some ice, put it in a glass and added a hefty serving of vodka. Finally he added the juice. It was cranberry judging by the vivid pink colour of the contents when he finally handed it to me. I took a wary sip and was pleasantly surprised. “I like it,” I said with a smile.

  “Eureka,” Eddy said with a laugh, as he helped himself to a beer. I thanked Robbie, and Eddy and I went off to find ourselves a corner to sit in. I was opening up a little more at these events now, but I still wasn’t entirely comfortable to just chat with anyone.

  When Carl came to sit with us, I was left to sip my drink without the distraction of conversation, as the pair were too busy flirting with one another to talk with me much. Three more vodka and cranberries arrived without my even needing to ask, courtesy of Robbie, and before long I was feeling a really nice buzz. I could see why people liked alcohol so much if this was what it made you feel like. The three of us laughed a lot, and I even felt brave enough to have a dance with some other friends from our course, until, after another couple of drinks I moved on from pleasantly buzzed to slightly overdone.

  “Come and sit down,” Eddy insisted when I was the one to stumble into a chair this time.

  “Thanks, Eddy,” I said, hugging him. “I really love you,” I told him, pulling him into a second hug.

  “Oh, we’ve reached that stage of the night, have we?” he laughed. He’d slowed up on his beers while I’d steamed on ahead, enjoying the fact I’d finally found an alcoholic drink I actually liked.

  “No, really. You don’t know what you mean to me. I’ve never had any friends, not real friends.”

  “We’re all friendless virgins when we’re born, Delilah,” he quoted.

  “Yeah, well, I was a friendless virgin when I met you. Now I’m just a virgin,” I said, giggling. Eddy looked shocked, and I immediately felt ashamed of my virgin status. “I know,” I slurred. “I’m pathetic.”

  “You’re not pathetic, Delilah,” he insisted, but the embarrassment still burned in me.

  “Well, you’ve helped me change at least one of those things.”

  “Yeah,” he laughed. “See, it was easier than you thought.”

  “Maybe losing my virginity will be too,” I suggested. “I’m overthinking this. I just need to get it done with. No more of this waiting for someone special,” I said decisively. “They don’t exist.”

  “Delilah, I’m not sure…” Eddy started.

  “It’s a shame you’re gay, Eddy,” I said more loudly that I’d intended, “or I’d just do it with you.”

  “Delilah,” Eddy said, cross now, “pack it in.”

  “Everything okay here?” Robbie asked, materialising once again beside me. He started to stroke my shoulder, and it felt nice. “Would you like to dance, Delilah?” he asked.

  “Sure,” I agreed, happily going with him when he pulled me towards the dance floor.

  “Delilah,” I heard Eddy call after me, but when I looked back he was chatting to some of Robbie’s mates. Carl was standing beside him.

  “You look so sexy,” Robbie whispered into my ear as he grabbed my hips and pulled me
towards him. I felt sexy. For the first time since Hardy I wanted to feel desire and be desirable. We swayed to the music, and I felt him harden against me. “I want you, Delilah, so fucking much,” he said, brushing his thumb against my lips before he kissed me. Surprisingly I liked it, and when he pulled away I was disappointed. “Let’s go upstairs where we can be alone,” he said with a grin.

  Even in my drunken state I knew what he was suggesting. Everyone knew what going upstairs at a party would lead to. He wanted to fuck me. Which was good, I figured, because I wanted rid of my virginity. It was a win-win as far as I saw it through my vodka-addled brain. I heard my name being called from across the room, but Robbie was a man on a mission. We ran up the stairs, laughing when I tripped on the final steps, nervous excitement pumping through my veins. Robbie pulled me into a room, closing and locking the door behind us, and suddenly everything went quiet. The noise from the party diminished along with my drunken bravado. Robbie didn’t waste any time, pulling me into a kiss while simultaneously walking me backwards towards the large double bed that occupied the centre of the room.

  We tumbled onto the bed together in a tangle of arms and legs, Robbie landing on top of me. He was heavy, and I found myself wishing he’d move a bit, as he jammed a leg between my thighs and pushed up my skirt to reveal my knickers. One hand fastened onto a breast, while the other groped down between my legs. It felt okay, but it was nothing special. I wondered what all the fuss was about. Then I felt his finger press inside me. “Jesus, you’re so tight,” he moaned. “I’ve got to get inside you. Is that okay?” he asked. He seemed to be in a hurry in case I changed my mind.

  This was it. The moment of no return. “Yes,” I heard myself say, before I could lose my nerve. I’d been waiting for Hardy to do this, but he’d been too busy sleeping with other women. It was my body, my virginity. I could give it to anyone I wanted, even someone I didn’t give a shit about like Robbie. “Yes,” I said again, reaching down to grasp Robbie’s erection through his trousers and rubbing it. He groaned, fumbling to release his belt and zip. When he sprang free I was momentarily fascinated by the appearance of his erection. Sure I’d felt them through clothes, but I’d never actually seen one before.

  Impatiently he pushed me down onto my back and swiftly pulled off my knickers before pushing my skirt up around my waist. He paused, sitting back on his calves and staring down at me. I heard the sound of a wrapper being opened, and watched fascinated as he rolled a condom on. Even in my inebriated state I was grateful for his forethought. Beads of sweat were already breaking out on his brow as he moved himself above me. I felt his erection nudge tentatively against my entrance, and then he pushed into me. There was a searing sensation, like a cross between a burn and a tear, as he forced himself inside. I moaned, but it wasn’t through pleasure. It hurt. Robbie, assuming otherwise, pressed his face into my neck and began to rhythmically thrust inside me. I just lay there, the pain having woken me from my drunken haze, the reality of what I’d done bringing tears to my eyes.

  After I’d met Hardy again I’d dreamed about this moment. About how it would be. How it would hurt, but how he would make it as gentle as he could. How I’d offer myself willingly, that the moment would be memorable, an exchange of freely given love, instead of this meaningless rutting. Mama had always said you only got to lose your virginity to someone once, so to make it someone you cared about. I felt like I’d let her down.

  Robbie’s breathing increased with the pace of his hips as they drove against me, and then finally he was done. In one long moan he released himself, before collapsing on top of me. “God, Delilah, that was amazing,” he moaned, pulling out of me, removing the condom and tying the end of it in a knot. “Oh, you’re bleeding,” he said, looking down. “Did you know you were on your period?” he asked, looking at the streaks of blood on the sheets and across the tops of my thighs. It never crossed his mind I might be a virgin.

  “Oh, um, sorry,” I said, embarrassed by the evidence of my squandered virginity. “It must have come early. I wasn’t expecting it,” I pretended. “I’ll just go and find the bathroom to clean up.” I shuffled out of the bed, pulling on my knickers as I tried to ignore the aching sensation in my most intimate areas.

  “Hurry back,” Robbie said, already visibly stiffening again as he watched me. He looked pleased with himself.

  “Sure,” I said with a smile, lying through my teeth. I slid out the door, hoping to avoid observation, only to find Eddy waiting for me at the top of the stairs. His usually large eyes were even bigger than normal as he looked at me dolefully.

  “Are you okay?”

  “Not really,” I admitted.

  “Did he hurt you?” he asked, becoming angry.

  “No. I did that all by myself,” I said, starting to cry. He sighed, pulled me into a hug and then took me home.

  Chapter 11

  Word of Robbie’s and my night of passion had spread like wildfire through the faculty. It seemed to give license to all those people who had assumed I was with Eddy, and therefore off the market, to have another pop at me. Robbie had so embellished the event I barely recognised anything from the version that came back to me via one of the other girls on the course. She was annoyed because she’d fancied her own chances with Robbie, who’d been behaving like a cocky shit around me ever since and had taken great pleasure in making it clear to anyone who’d listen that I’d shagged him at a party, several times apparently. One version even suggested we’d had an audience. It was all a little close to my memories of Clarissa for comfort, although frankly the news meant very little to most people. Almost all of the other girls had already had numerous partners in the time I’d only had the one. The fact I was finally known to have had one was what made it noteworthy at all.

  Robbie had lapped up the apparent kudos of having been the one to finally score with me, according to Eddy. Subsequently he had continually asked for a repeat performance, acting like he owned me whenever we were in public; putting his arm around my shoulders at any given opportunity and trying to kiss me whenever he managed to get close enough. I’d had to patiently explain several times that, whilst it had been ‘nice’, I wasn’t in the right place for a relationship right now. It seemed at first this had just spurred him on to try harder. It had all been quite tedious. Then, when I’d finally made it clear I didn’t want anything more from him, he’d turned on me and started slagging me off to anyone that would listen.

  Eddy meanwhile had patiently allowed me to soak his shoulders with tears whenever I needed to. The loss of my virginity had been a trigger for the feelings I’d been suppressing about Hardy. After a drunken night at the apartment I’d finally revealed everything about my past. The conversation had been facilitated by a shared bottle of vodka and two cartons of cranberry juice. The one remaining positive from my drunken night at the party was my continued love of the drink.

  “So your mother…”

  “Is his paid mistress,” I supplied helpfully. “I don’t like the word ‘whore’. She’s a wonderful woman, and I think you’d love her. Everything she’s done has been for me.”

  “And they said his son wanted you?”

  “That’s what I was told, although I never exactly talked it out with him. I thought he loved me, or at least cared for me. I certainly thought I loved him. He asked me to wait for him, so stupidly I did. Then I found out it was a one-way arrangement, and it all went pear-shaped. Mama said I needed to leave or they might not let me.”

  “Jesus,” he breathed. “I thought my life was wack. That’s crazy. How could they even keep you there if you didn’t want to stay?”

  “I don’t know, but Mama seemed afraid of them. They’re rich. Rich people usually get what they want one way or another.”

  “Crazy,” he said again.

  “Err, hello. Says the guy with his own apartment at the age of nineteen. I’d say you’re hardly in a position to talk.”

  He grimaced but didn’t say anything at first. Then fina
lly; “And you think this guy might come looking for you?”

  “Well he hasn’t so far, but he only graduates this year. The plan was always that he’d wait until he was twenty-one. He was due to get his trust fund then, which would mean he could tell his dad to go to hell. I guess if he was going to come back to look for me at all then that would be the time. I figure he’s probably moved on by now.”

  “I wouldn’t be so sure,” Eddy said, worry evident in his voice. “So you can’t ever go back there? To see your mum, I mean?”

  “No. I miss her. When a bit more time has passed, maybe she can come here, to Brighton.” Eddy looked shocked. “It’s okay,” I tried to reassure him. “This is more than good enough for me…” I trailed off, realising I’d assumed I’d be welcome to stay. “I mean… I’m sorry… I assumed… God, I’m sorry, that was so presumptuous of me.”

  “Delilah, stop. Of course I want you to live here. As long as you want to. But we finish for the summer in a couple of weeks, and I’m meant to be going away for the holidays.”

  “I’ll be fine. I’ll get a job and I’ll be fine. If you don’t want me to stay in your flat without you…”

  “No, that’s not what I meant at all. I’m just concerned about leaving you alone in case this guy turns up. I can’t be worrying about you when I’m not around to protect you. It would destroy me if anything happened while I wasn’t here.”

  “Eddy, I’m not your responsibility. You’ve already done enough. I just need to find a summer job. I thought maybe I could find work playing piano in a bar or something, plus with the waitressing…”

  Eddy looked thoughtful. “Leave it with me,” was all he said. “I’ve got an idea.”

  *

  “It’s all sorted,” Eddy announced about a week later as he bounded into the lounge from his bedroom. He didn’t notice the table had moved slightly and tripped over it.

  “Jesus, Eddy,” I said, rushing over to check he hadn’t done any permanent damage.