Heart of Gold

by Fiona Palmer

  Her footsteps crunched on the driveway as she welcomed the fresh night air. The stars were out and the moon was full in the clear night sky. She was just passing a few parked cars in the driveway when she heard other footsteps. She paused and heard the footsteps quicken. A tingle spread up her spine. Before her next breath, a hand grabbed her arm and spun her body around forcefully. She found herself inches away from a furious Marty. His stance was hunched and scary and his breath was urgent, almost heavy.

  ‘No one embarrasses me in front of my mates. Do you hear me?’

  She was just a little afraid of the anger in his voice and the tight grip he had on her arm.

  ‘Let me go, Marty. You’re wasted,’ she said, trying to speak calmly. But it had no effect on him. He held her tightly with both hands and pulled her in closer. He was strong and had her arms clamped down. She bit down her panic.

  ‘You owe me.’ Marty leaned across to kiss her, his tainted breath causing her to turn her head away in disgust. His stubble scratched her cheek and stung.

  Grasping out with her hands, she pinched the skin on his waist, which was all she could reach as he had her arms pinned tight.

  Marty yelped out and thrust her back. ‘You bitch!’

  She felt a presence beside them.

  ‘What’s going on? Are you all right, CJ?’

  Lindsay’s words were like a warm blanket over her shoulders. ‘Yeah, I’m okay,’ she said quietly, but inside she was grateful for the backup.

  Marty stepped towards Lindsay with a finger outstretched. ‘You can just piss off and mind your own business, mate.’ Then he shoved Lindsay backwards, causing him to fall on his backside.

  Quickly Marty swung back to her, grabbed her arm and tried to drag her away, but she resisted, her feet skidding through the dirt. With a grunt, Marty lashed out his hand, intending to give her a hard slap. She saw it coming and ducked like a seasoned pro. When she stood up she put her hands on Marty’s shoulders and kneed him in the balls. Marty’s breath escaped in a rushed moan. He fell back against someone’s green ute.

  ‘When I say no, I mean no.’ She stepped back as Marty slid down the door panel and rolled on the ground, his hands holding his groin. Her breathing was heavy and she felt her body shake with nerves.

  Lindsay steered her away towards the main road. Thankful for his guidance, she held onto his arm as they walked. The feel of his shirt material under her fingers was soft, no doubt expensive.

  ‘I think you better head home quickly, in case he recovers,’ Lindsay said. She squeezed his arm and said thanks before dropping her hand and cutting off the static that had been tingling up her arm.

  ‘Hell, why are you thanking me?’

  She could see he was sporting a smile under the street lights. ‘For following, for making sure I was okay. It could have easily ended another way,’ whispered CJ. She couldn’t hide the light quiver in her voice as she looked at her feet. She felt a hand caress her chin, lifting her head towards the night sky.

  Lindsay leaned in close, almost nose to nose. He was truly engrossed with her. She was so mysterious and he wanted to know what was underneath that hard, protective layer. She fascinated him more than any other woman had.

  ‘I don’t think it could have ended any other way. You seem very capable of protecting yourself,’ he said.

  She blinked hard. He saw the shimmer of pain, and it tore at his heart.

  ‘Yeah, but it gets tiring after a while,’ she said.

  Right there he wanted to sweep her up in his arms and protect her but he was worried about getting a kick to his own family jewels. He felt the pressure on his hand as she tried to hide her eyes again but he held her head up. She was like a glass ball; strong but so breakable. He wouldn’t let her hide from him. But her eyes were frightened and he knew she wasn’t ready. She’d already shared a lot with him in that one little sentence. He caressed her cheek with his thumb, then let his hand drop.

  ‘You want me to take you home in case he comes back?’ he asked.

  CJ smiled, her teeth reflecting the faint light from the shed. ‘Nah. He’s no worse than a stubborn ram.’ She headed back down towards the road and called over her shoulder, ‘I’ll catch ya later, Linds.’

  Lindsay knew then that he was losing all control. CJ was seeping into his very core and he had no say in it.

  CJ enjoyed her walk home. She felt empowered, even if only for a moment, but when she got home she knew something was wrong. It was only ten o’clock and the lounge room was deserted. Normally her dad would still be on the couch, watching TV or snoring. She checked his tiny room but it was empty, his single bed untouched. His books lay heavily covered in dust making the room unused. Reading was how Dad used to entertain himself, not long after the accident. But that all stopped the moment he realised he would never recover, never be healed and pain free.

  She went to her mother’s room next and found it locked. Pulling the key from its hiding place behind a nearby cupboard, she quietly unlocked the door and peeked inside. CJ smiled as she saw her mum breathing softly, snuggled up in the double bed. Her mum’s needlework lay draped over the wooden chair in the corner and her shoes were placed neatly by her bed. Quietly she shut the door.

  She returned the key and sighed heavily. There was only one place he’d be. The bloody pub!

  CJ stomped the two blocks to the pub, cursing her father and dreading what state he’d be in. She was seriously going to think about locking him up. At this moment, CJ hated her life, hated the fact that she was the one looking after everything and hated feeling so alone. Why couldn’t she have been born second, so Emily would be dealing with this? Emily would have probably found a way to get him in a nursing home or something where they could lock the doors. Days like this she felt so alone, lost in her own self-pity. She stomped even harder as the pub came into view.

  Dumb bastard. Had he found more money, stolen something, or was Abe Wilson buying his drinks again? What a wild rodeo night this was turning out to be.

  Lindsay leaned back against the wall and laughed. Jules was a funny bugger when he had a few under his belt. His Kiwi humour was as funny as his scrawny legs and Dave was laughing so hard he choked on his beer, causing his large belly to heave with each cough.

  They hadn’t been at the pub long. After CJ’s exit, the rest of the crowd had begun to head home, and a small contingent had gone to the pub. Deanne and Sarah had come with them but they were over playing pool and flirting with some new blood that was in town. Lindsay didn’t mind Deanne and Sarah, when they weren’t flirting with him. Deanne was pretty but had a prominent nose, whereas Sarah was shorter with stocky, chicken-drumstick legs. They were both harmless. Tonight Lindsay was enjoying talking to Jules and Dave outside of work, getting to know other things about them besides how many sheep they shear and which gear they use. Every time Jules or Dave bought a beer, the other one would say, ‘cheers, bro’, ‘thanks, cuz’, or ‘sweet as’, and Lindsay’d end up cacking himself with laughter. They were telling him that they were both from the South Island. ‘Not pig rooters like them northies,’ said Dave with a laugh.

  ‘Hey, here’s CJ.’ Jules nodded towards the door. ‘I thought she was done for the night?’

  Lindsay spun around in time to see CJ yank open the full-length glass door, her hair swinging across her shoulders. Long forceful strides took her straight to the bar. She looks pissed off, he thought. Jules and Dave had begun talking again but Lindsay was too engrossed to listen. He was going to call her over but something made him stop. She stopped behind two old drunks at the bar with her hands on her hips.

  ‘Bloody hell, Abe,’ he heard her say. ‘You should know better.’

  The bloke called Abe had terrible, wrinkly skin that looked discoloured – no doubt from a lifetime of drinking and bad liver function. His dry lips looked stained from tobacco and dotted with cold sores.

  He shrugged before replying to CJ, ‘Who else should I drink with?’

  CJ threw her han
ds up in the air. ‘There’s a whole pub full of fucking people, Abe. You know grog screws with Tom’s meds. You’ll help kill him one day. Do you want that on your conscience? Oh, I forgot, you don’t have one.’

  She tried to haul Tom up from the bar stool. The old guy didn’t look too happy as he tried to skol the last of his beer, like a child trying to scoff a lolly they weren’t allowed to have. Once the beer was gone, he turned around. He was tall and had a powerful presence, even in his drunken state.

  ‘Lemme go, brat.’ His voice was deep and loud. He lifted his right arm and swung a punch at CJ.

  Lindsay jumped up as CJ ducked the slow blow with ease. Things were starting to add up in his mind. Jules and Dave had now stopped talking and turned to watch, just as Tom stumbled from the missed blow. He fell to the floor with a crash.

  CJ struggled to pick up her father off the floor, until someone came to share the burden. She looked up and was shocked to see Lindsay’s face. Irene would say that it was a sign, seeing Lindsay twice in one night.

  He had an arm around Tom, trying to hold him steady, but his eyes were on CJ – not judging or full of questions, just waiting for orders. She gazed back at him in silent awe, Tom now hanging limply in their arms. Lindsay gave her a tentative smile, but compassion adorned his face.

  ‘Need a hand?’

  ‘Yes, please. Some fresh air might help,’ she said, nodding towards the door.

  Abe shouted, ‘See ya ’nother time, Tom, me ol’ mate.’

  CJ’s step didn’t falter. ‘Abe Wilson, if you so much as offer Tom another sip, by God I’ll come after you and get you banned from the pub.’

  Together they practically dragged Tom out the side doors into the fresh night air. CJ took a deep breath to try to calm her shaking body before turning to Lindsay.

  ‘Would you mind helping me carry him home? It’s only two blocks away.’ God, she hated having to ask him for help. Please don’t let Dad throw up on us or piss his pants, she prayed. She hardly knew the poor bloke and here he was helping her carry her drunk father home. What would he think of her now?

  ‘No worries,’ he answered.

  ‘Cheers. I’m tempted to chuck him in a bush and let him sleep it off till morning.’ Her dad was that far gone that her words didn’t even register. They slowly made their way to the footpath and began the journey home.

  ‘Oh, by the way, Lindsay, this is my father, Tom,’ CJ said in a mocking voice. ‘Sorry you had to meet him like this, in all his glory. I usually don’t let him out much.’

  ‘Don’t worry. He seems no different to my crazy uncle Cal after a big night.’ Lindsay laughed and CJ’s body relaxed.

  ‘I’m usually ready for him,’ CJ sighed. She didn’t want Lindsay to have a bad opinion of her dad. He didn’t know what Tom had been through. ‘He only gets like that when he mixes his medication with alcohol. I try to keep him away from it but I can’t always be there to keep him straight.’

  Lindsay opened his mouth but shut it again.

  CJ guessed what he was going to ask. ‘Dad had a car accident nearly ten years ago, which messed up his back. He relies on the painkillers constantly. So he hasn’t had much of a life since then.’

  Lindsay was openly studying her face and she could read the shock in his eyes. It soon turned to compassion, which saddened her even more.

  ‘So you look after him all by yourself?’ he asked.

  ‘Nah. Mum looks after him during the day but I think she’s scared of him. He’s not the bloke he used to be.’ CJ tried to shift her arm to get a better grip on her dad. ‘He used to be a great dad.’ She paused as if trying to believe the words herself. ‘He was a top shearer, but others said he was better at boxing. Not that I ever saw him box in a match; he stopped fighting properly after I was born. After his accident, he began hating the way he had to live and ended up taking it out on us.’

  ‘He still packs quite a punch, even when he’s pissed.’

  ‘Yeah, tell me about it.’ CJ looked over at Lindsay. ‘Sorry, I’m gibbering on. You don’t really want to hear our problems. There’s a seat just up here. We can rest and swap sides.’

  ‘Don’t worry. Uncooperative fathers are something we have in common.’

  Together they dragged Tom to the old bench on the side of the path. With a side shuffle, they sat down and unhooked their arms from around Tom. CJ stretched out her long arms, and watched Lindsay do the same.

  The silence of the night surrounded them; the only sound was the faint flutter of wings as moths hovered around the street lights above. She didn’t question Lindsay for information on his life. Instead she just observed him carefully. The light nearby illuminated his strong jaw and long cheek lines, causing her heart to lurch in her chest. Lindsay glanced across and his blue eyes looked upon her with a mixture of sadness and frustration. She was drawn instantly into their depths, curious about the cause of the emotions she had seen. What secrets did his pretty-boy life hold? She could easily guess. She’d noticed his expensive clothes and fancy cologne. She bet he’d had plenty of good-looking sheilas lining up for his bed. His life was probably so easy!

  A snore erupted from Tom, startling them both and ending their connection.

  Lindsay ran a hand through his hair. ‘My dad has this thing where he believes the oldest son should take on the running of the farm. It’s some stupid tradition and I have no idea why he feels he needs to stick to it – not now anyway,’ he added softly. ‘I’ve never felt right on the farm. I was always happiest at shearing time. It’s what I wanted to go off and do, just like Uncle Doug. Which I think is why he hated me doing it even more. Dad and Doug never saw eye to eye. My brother James is the real farmer. It should be his, he’s the one who wants it the most. But Dad doesn’t see it that way.’

  ‘Funny that,’ said CJ, smiling. ‘My dad stopped listening to me long ago, too. Seeing as you’re shearing with us now, I take it you left the farm anyway?’

  Lindsay stood up and faced her. ‘Yeah, I did, finally.’ He looked like he wanted to say more, but couldn’t.

  ‘So how’s it feel?’ she asked, snapping him out of his thoughts. His massive smile, which caused a tiny dimple to appear on his cheek, was all the answer CJ needed. ‘Time to swap sides, then?’

  Tom was still snoring so CJ gave him an elbow to the ribs to wake him up. ‘Come on, Dad. Time to get going again.’ They lifted him up onto his feet and turned for home. CJ felt the contact of Lindsay’s arm against hers, and a warm tingle spread up to her shoulder. As they struggled on, the full moon gave them a protective glow in between the spaced street lights.

  ‘Why didn’t you use your ute?’ said Lindsay, nodding towards her vehicle parked in the driveway.

  ‘I hit a roo with it a while back and the passenger door’s stuck. Besides, this way he gets to sober up a bit before I get him home. Hopefully we won’t wake Mum.’

  CJ opened the front door and pointed to his room. ‘Just through here.’ After flopping Tom onto his bed, CJ led Lindsay back to the lounge room.

  Lindsay stopped by the door. His intense gaze was ruffling her feathers.

  ‘Will you be okay, CJ?’

  She found the gentleness in his voice touching. ‘Yep, sadly this ain’t nothin’ new. Hey, thanks for helping me out… again. It means a lot.’ CJ felt her face glow red. Lindsay had been so nice and obliging. He was really racking up the brownie points in her book.

  ‘Glad I could help.’

  He took a few strides along the driveway, paused, then turned back. CJ had been hanging on to the front door, quietly admiring Lindsay’s long torso. She looked up just as he caught her eye.

  ‘Hey, do you want to take turns heading out to the new shed next week? I prefer to drive when I can instead of going in the minibus. To… um… Attsons?’

  ‘Atkinsons,’ she corrected. ‘Yeah, that sounds like a good idea. As long as you don’t mind heading out early. I like to get started before the others arrive.’

  ‘Sure, suits me f
ine. Plus you can show me how to get there. It’ll be a while before I know my way around this place,’ he laughed. ‘I’ll pick you up at six on Monday, then?’

  ‘I’ll be waiting. Thanks again,’ she said, waving goodbye. Lindsay returned the wave and headed back down the driveway in the moonlight. CJ shut the door and leaned her back against it. She was smiling. It was a strange feeling, finding herself trusting Lindsay. She had guarded herself for so long but she couldn’t help feel the butterflies in her stomach at the thought of having a friend, someone else to share stuff with – close to her age, too.

  Tom’s snores echoed through the house. Monday couldn’t come quickly enough.

  7

  THE local IGA store was always quiet this early on a Sunday morning. Just the way CJ liked it. She had got everything on Burt’s shopping list, plus a few extra things that she knew he liked. It was set in concrete that each visit she would buy a packet of Tim Tams for them to eat with their cuppa. Nothing was funnier than watching Burt trying to suck his tea through his Tim Tam. He’d end up grottier than a two year old with a chocolate ice-cream. He had about as many teeth as a two year old and as much spirit – not bad considering he was in his eighties.

  As she booked up the groceries on Burt’s account, she checked her list. Just the large roast beef to get from the butcher’s next door and then she was done.

  CJ loved getting up early on Sunday. Her mum and dad slept in for as long as they could – Dad to avoid the world and Mum to avoid Dad – so it was her time alone. She’d usually potter around doing a few odd jobs, and wash either Sam or her ute. When she wasn’t doing that, she’d be out at Burt’s place or visiting Irene and Paul. She kept company with the older crowd mostly. CJ craved the quiet normality that they brought. She had enough turmoil to deal with, without getting mixed up with the wild mobs her age. Been there, done that, didn’t want to go back.