Heart of Gold

by Fiona Palmer

  ‘So if I get good, do I get a permanent stand?’ she asked as she braced herself for the reply.

  ‘We’ll see, CJ.’

  She wondered what Doug really thought about her shearing. He had two gorgeous girls and she’d bet he’d do anything to make sure they never ended up in a shearing shed. She never thought she’d be there either. At school she’d had plans of being a mechanic or a vet. In the end the choice got made for her.

  Tess came out from Bonnie’s room. ‘Hey, guys. Don’t know about you but I don’t remember getting that much homework when I was at school.’

  Lindsay laughed. ‘You probably just didn’t do it!’

  ‘You two stayin’ for dinner?’ she asked.

  ‘Nah, we’re right, thanks. Burt’s coming over for lamb chops.’

  CJ and Lindsay got up to leave. ‘Well, another day then,’ said Tess.

  As they climbed into the ute Lindsay glanced at CJ. ‘I was just thinking, you can’t wear your dad’s old shearing pants or your jeans all week. I’ve got plenty of spares you can have. Only thing you need is a good pair of shearing moccasins. We might have to stop off after work tomorrow and get you a pair.’

  CJ shrugged. ‘That sounds fine. I’ll go through your pants tonight and see if any fit.’

  ‘You know, I like the thought of you in my pants!’

  25

  CJ’S first day as a shearer was at Ian Westlake’s shed on some good Merino sheep. Everyone had wished her luck. She was wearing a pair of Lindsay’s Heiniger pants, her new moccasins and one of Doug’s team shearing singlets. She had tied her hair into a ponytail with three clips so it wouldn’t bother her. She looked the part, at least. Lindsay was on the stand next to her and she was on the end. She had oiled her handpiece and was surveying the shed. Her body tingled with anticipation. Morning sunlight shone through the flap cut in the tin wall as a makeshift window.

  Dead on seven she sank her hands deep into the heavy wool of her first ewe, pulling it onto its back and dragging it by its front legs to the stand. As usual, she didn’t go hard, just took it steady and worked on her technique like Lindsay had drummed into her.

  By the end of the day she felt like a shearer. Trying to stand up straight was an effort as she struggled to walk from the shed. It was more like a hunched-back crawl.

  ‘CJ, you look buggered,’ said Irene.

  ‘I can’t wait to have a cold beer and then go home for a hot bath and soak my joints. But you know what? I can’t wait for tomorrow to do it all again!’

  ‘How many did you do today?’

  ‘Seemed like hundreds but my counter only said I did seventy-four.’

  Lindsay joined them. ‘That’s a good number for your first full day. By the end of the week you’ll be surprised how much better you’ll be doing.’

  ‘So did you learn anything new?’ asked Irene.

  Her laughter rang out as she rolled her sore shoulders. ‘Yep, that the hardest part is dragging them out of the pen and trying to get a big sheep down that tiny chute hole. I reckon it gets smaller as the day goes on!’ She looked at Lindsay. ‘Let’s go home. I’m stuffed. Catch ya tomorrow, Renie.’

  ‘See ya, kiddo.’

  As they headed towards her ute, Marty passed and almost collided with her shoulder. ‘Don’t give up your day job,’ he said, sniggering.

  Lindsay put a hand on her shoulder. ‘Don’t let him get to you. He’s just worried that you’ll be shearing faster than him soon.’

  Too tired to drive, she scooted over to the passenger side of her ute. The door was still not fixed. She looked through the back window out of habit. She missed Sam. Some farmers didn’t want other dogs on their farms.

  When they got back to Lindsay’s, Burt was doing some weeding around the house while he waited for them. Sam was barking at Scabs, trying to get the old dog to play with him, but Scabs just lay in the dying sunlight.

  Burt turned when he heard them and pulled up his pants, which fell back immediately. Looked like he’d forgotten to put his suspenders on today.

  ‘Here’s my shearer!’ he called. ‘How’d ya go, love?’

  ‘Hey, Burt. It was okay,’ said CJ as he gave her a big bear hug. ‘I don’t think Marty likes me shearing, though.’

  Burt held her at arm’s length. ‘Bah. You know he ain’t got enough brains to give ’imself a headache. How’d she do?’ he asked Lindsay.

  ‘She was amazing. In a few days she’ll be knocking them out.’

  ‘Ah, that’s great.’ He looked at CJ with pride. ‘Well, you two looked stuffed so I’m out of here. I’ll come for Sam in the mornin’. Great dog ya got there, love.’

  ‘No worries, Burt. I’m picking Linds up at six-thirty and I’ll just leave Sam here.’

  Burt kissed her forehead. ‘You two remind me of my time with Linda. Magic moments…’ Burt stepped towards his ute. ‘Come on, Scabs, get up.’

  Burt drove off into the orange glow of the setting sun. CJ leaned against Lindsay’s chest as the afternoon air chilled around them.

  By the end of the week CJ had done what they’d all said. Her numbers had improved and on Thursday she’d actually cracked ninety. She felt like she was flying. She’d been cutting them here and there but they were only small and no different to what any of the other shearers did. But when she was on the third run on Friday, humming to Taylor Swift’s song, she lost her concentration for a second. The next thing she knew there was blood everywhere. She paused, confused, thinking it might have been hers, but then she saw the deep gash in the ewe’s side and knew she’d stuffed up. Pulling on her rope, she turned off her handpiece and reached for the large needle and thread, which was at the ready for such an occasion.

  ‘You okay?’ said Lindsay, as he glanced up from his sheep. ‘That looks deep.’

  ‘Yeah, it’s not pretty.’ She began stitching away as best she could and Irene came over to clean up and keep the blood away from the fleece.

  ‘You’re not the first to slit open a sheep. Think of the times you’ve seen others sewing them up.’

  ‘Yeah, I know.’ But it still didn’t make her feel any better. With shaky fingers she pulled the bits of skin tightly together and finished it off with a few knots. She managed to finish the day with eighty-nine, even with the delay.

  ‘You’re supposed to shear them, not kill them,’ Marty said.

  ‘Bugger,’ she replied, glaring at him. ‘I must have watched you too much.’

  ‘You’re doing fine, CJ. Better than when we started,’ said Jules.

  ‘Thanks. Catch ya next week.’

  At the basin she watched as the water turned red with blood. All in a day’s shearing, she guessed.

  That night they lay in her bed, talking about the day. Lindsay would spend a few nights at her place each week as CJ didn’t like to leave her mum alone with Tom for too long. If something happened and she wasn’t here, she didn’t think she could forgive herself.

  ‘You shouldn’t let Marty rile you up in the sheds so much,’ Lindsay said, stroking her arm.

  ‘I can’t help it. I have a quick temper.’ She sighed heavily. ‘It nearly cost me once.’

  Lindsay sat up, leaning on his elbow facing her. ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘I’m embarrassed to say.’ But reassured by his concerned expression, she continued. ‘I was only seventeen, and very messed up. Dad couldn’t work and moped around the house. I’d had to give up my life to help support him, and the rest of the family. But I lost the plot. I was so angry at what I’d been dealt. So I starting drinking my woes away, spending all my time going to whatever party I could find just to escape the house. Anyway one night this girl was annoyed because I’d latched on to this bloke she wanted. She was wasted and giving me a mouthful. So we started fighting, egged on by the guys. I’m ashamed to admit that Dad’s boxing training worked too well and I hurt her badly.’

  She buried her head into his shoulder so she didn’t have to see the reaction in his eyes. ‘At first it was j
ust a few punches but she kept taunting me till I lost it, and in a drunken daze I kept hitting until a couple of guys pulled me off her.’ CJ’s stomach turned as she remembered how the girl’s face had looked days later.

  ‘Sheesh.’ It was all Lindsay could say.

  ‘She could have reported me. I would have got a record if it wasn’t for the fact that she was high and didn’t want anyone finding out. But what I did was so wrong. I had become my father. That realisation hit me like a tonne of bricks and from that day on I vowed I’d never turn out like him, bitter and angry.’

  ‘I see why you don’t drink much. It explains a lot. I’m sorry you had to go through all that at such a young age with no one to help you.’ Lindsay cupped her face in his hands and caressed her cheek as he watched her blink back the tears. He couldn’t imagine her hurting a fly, but when your emotions control you rather than the other way around, stuff happens. He wished he could save her from that, but even now she was stuck with a father who still partly controlled her life. It made him think about his own situation. At least his own dad didn’t belt him up. Des’d still looked after him and loved him, despite everything.

  ‘You know how I had a fight with my dad before leaving the farm?’ He spoke softly, wanting to share something with her in return. He’d never told anyone about this, not even James. Maybe he just hadn’t wanted it to be true, hadn’t wanted to deal with the pain and confusion of it all.

  ‘Yeah.’ CJ had pulled his hand away from her face and held it tightly, waiting patiently for him to continue.

  He took a deep breath and let it out with a rush. ‘Well, things had got heated. Dad had gone off his nut because I hadn’t done a few jobs. I’d been in a rush to leave for a shearing comp, which he hated me doing. Anyway, I didn’t mean to forget but I was sick of the farm and his constant criticism. This just made things worse and we said awful things to each other. I told him I wished I wasn’t his son, meaning I didn’t want the responsibility of the farm, but I think he took it more personally. He shot back that I wasn’t his son anyway, so I should be happy.’

  ‘No!’ CJ’s eyes grew wide as she gasped. ‘Oh, Linds. How horrible.’

  It was hard to continue. He didn’t want to look weak.

  ‘What happened?’

  Lindsay shook his head. ‘I said to him, “Are you for real?” and he didn’t answer. I could tell he’d told the truth and wished he hadn’t. Afterwards I ran to my room and packed up my stuff. He tried to stop me, telling me to calm down, but I was just so shocked. All my life I’d felt like I hadn’t really belonged – Des and I clashed all the time – but to actually find out that I really didn’t belong… was just crushing. I kept shutting him down; I just couldn’t listen any more, I couldn’t process. And I think he understood as he just stood there while I threw my things in the ute. He just stood there, CJ, with this hurt expression on his face but I was so mad I just drove away and left him there. I haven’t talked to anyone about it, I just couldn’t. And then I met you. You made me so happy and I put it all behind me as if nothing had happened.’ He kissed her forehead. ‘I’m so glad I found you.’

  Her heart sang out like a magpie on a beautiful morning. ‘So you don’t know who your real father might be?’

  ‘Nup.’

  ‘Have you talked to your mum about this?’

  Lindsay shook his head slowly. ‘I asked Dad if I was adopted, but Des said I was my mum’s child and then promised me not to say anything to her. Not yet.’

  ‘Wow. Do you think she had an affair?’

  ‘Possibly. I was born after their marriage, in line with a honeymoon baby. Oh, I don’t know, CJ. I’ve tried not to think about it… it does my head in. Does it really matter?’

  ‘Only you can answer that. Maybe you have another father out there. It could be like Chris finding Irene… It could be a good thing. One day you should go and listen to Des, let him explain, find out what he knows.’

  ‘Yeah, I guess. One day.’

  ‘Oh, what lives we have.’

  ‘I guess we’re both sorry cases, hey?’

  She entwined her legs through his and tightened her hands around his waist. ‘Well, then. Maybe it’s a good thing we’re together.’

  He sank down on top of her warm breasts and kissed her gently before brushing her hair away from her eyes. He loved those eyes. He loved everything about her. ‘Hmm, no complaints from me,’ he whispered, nibbling her ear lobe. With a quick flick, he turned out the bedside light and soon her moans were echoing off the tin walls in the blackness.

  26

  ‘SO you’re glad your two weeks are over?’ asked Doug as he handed CJ the salad bowl.

  ‘Not at all. I was just getting into the swing of things. It’ll be weird going back to classing.’

  Tess picked up the tongs and transferred a sausage and a piece of steak to her plate. ‘I can’t believe you lasted this long.’ Tess looked at her eldest daughter. ‘Bon, don’t put your knife in your mouth.’ Tara was just about to copy her.

  ‘You sure you don’t have room to put me on your team, Doug?’ asked CJ.

  Doug smiled. ‘I would if I could, CJ, but with Dave back my teams are full. But if anything happens, you’ll be the first I come to. I must admit your numbers are impressive. By the last week you were cracking a hundred, which means you’re finally making yourself a decent wage.’

  ‘See, I told you it was all in the technique,’ Lindsay said. ‘Just imagine what she could do full-time.’

  ‘You don’t have to sell her any more, Slick. I’d like to see what she could do with a few good months under her belt too.’

  There was a knock at the door. Tess and Doug looked at each other as if to say, ‘Who could that be?’ Bonnie and Tara ran to the door to open it. Tara was the first back to the table. She wasn’t too sure about the visitor, but Bonnie held his hand as she brought him in. CJ knew instantly it had to be James. He was tall, lean and also had blond hair, albeit a few shades lighter than Lindsay’s. His features still had that young look about them, and he had a mischievous twinkle in his eyes. He was wearing jeans and a blue work shirt with their farm name sewn in white on the chest.

  ‘James!’ they all said at once.

  Lindsay got up and shook his brother’s hand before wrapping an arm around his shoulder. ‘My li’l bro!’

  ‘Hey, Slick, fancy meeting you here. I’d have come to your place if I’d known where it was.’ James grinned at his big brother.

  ‘Hi, Tess and Doug,’ he said, giving Tess a hug and shaking Doug’s hand. ‘I was hoping I could hit you up for a bed for the night. I had to come down this way for a ram sale and thought, seeing as I was this close, I’d swing by and say g’day.’

  ‘Always have a bed for you, mate,’ said Doug.

  James looked at Tara, who was busy eating her sausage. ‘She’s forgotten who I am, I think. I need to visit more.’

  ‘I remembered who you were.’ Bonnie smiled. ‘But I am older.’

  James’s gaze fell upon CJ. She met his green eyes.

  ‘Hello. You must be CJ?’ he asked.

  Her chair scraped as she got up and shook his hand. ‘How’d you know?’

  ‘My brother’s told me all about you. Tall with gorgeous blue eyes.’ He turned to Lindsay. ‘You weren’t lying, Slick.’

  ‘Never do about important things,’ answered Lindsay as he wrapped his arm protectively around CJ.

  ‘It’s great to finally meet you. Well, you lot get back to your dinner. I’ll just go grab my bag before it gets too dark, okay?’

  ‘I’ll get you a plate and you can join us. Plenty of food, as you can see,’ said Tess, heading to the kitchen.

  Lindsay followed James outside to his white Land Cruiser ute.

  ‘It’s so good to see you, Linds. I miss not having you around to annoy me and rub Dad up the wrong way. I can’t wait to see Mum’s face when she meets CJ.’ James chuckled.

  Lindsay frowned. ‘I know. I’m keeping her well away.’
>
  ‘I can’t wait to get to know her. She must be something great to catch your eye,’ said James.

  Lindsay looked at him slyly. ‘You’re to stay well away from her. She eats superficial, overconfident boys for breakfast.’

  James punched his brother in the arm. ‘You know me, Slick. I’m not ready to settle down yet, although I think Mum’s dying for grandkids.’ James grabbed his overnight bag and both blokes headed back inside.

  ‘Well, I’m in love with this girl. She’s definitely the one for me,’ said Lindsay.

  James jerked to a halt and stared at his brother. ‘Bloody hell. It’s that serious? My brother the player is throwing down his cards?’

  Lindsay looked back at him, his eyes dancing.

  James whistled. ‘Damn, she’s made you very happy, hey. I can see it in your eyes, Linds. I’ve never seen you looking so free. I guess you won’t be coming back home any time soon? Have you talked to Dad lately?’

  Lindsay’s body tensed. ‘Nup. Not a word since I left. Has he said anything?’

  James shrugged. ‘No. The bugger hardly mentions you, except to ask if I’ve talked to you.’

  ‘Hmm. Mum’s called a few times just making sure I’m happy and checking if I’d come home.’ Lindsay had felt like asking his mum about his real father but he’d promised his dad and he didn’t want to get into it while he was three hundred kilometres away. Lindsay hugged his brother again. ‘I can’t believe you’re here. It’s so good to see you, James. You know I love it out here, but I have missed you, mate.’

  ‘Yeah, all right. Enough of that,’ said James, grinning and hugging his brother back. ‘Come on. I want to get to know this girl who’s tied you up in knots! I’d better sit next to her.’

  ‘No you’re not. You can talk fine from the other side of the table.’

  27