by Cas Lester
Harvey was stunned that so many spaceships had all just been abandoned.
‘Where have they all come from?’
‘Everyone chucks away their old spaceships when they upgrade to a new one,’ said Scrummage.
‘Doesn’t anyone want them?’
‘Nobody would be seen dead in a tatty old out-of-date spaceship,’ said Maxie.
‘Apart from us,’ said Gizmo gloomily.
‘But it’s so wasteful!’ cried Harvey.
‘What do you do with your old spaceships in your galaxy then?’ asked Maxie.
Harvey suddenly realised he had no idea.
(As a matter of fact, for a planet that hardly does any space travel, your little planet has chucked huge quantities of space scrap into its orbit. You have no idea how much cosmic garbage there is floating about 250 miles above your head. There’s about half a million bits of it, from flakes of paint to entire satellites.
And just because you can’t see it, doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t do something about it. It’s like shoving everything under your bed and saying you’ve tidied your room. It’s a disgrace.
I dread to think what your skies will be like if you ever launch a serious programme of space travel.
So there’s no need for you to feel smug, is there?)
Harvey didn’t get a chance to answer Maxie’s excellent question because just at that moment the computer blipped into life. It had finally noticed the ominously large spaceship that seemed to be following them.
The ominously large spaceship, again
‘I hate to interrupt you, Captain, because I’m sure you’re terribly busy doing something desperately important like eating your breakfast. But I thought I ought to let you know there’s an ominously large ship that seems to be following us.’
‘What?’ cried Harvey and the entire crew in one voice.
‘What sort of ship?’ said Maxie.
‘An ominously large one,’ said the computer.
‘No, stupid,’ said Maxie impatiently, ’I mean is it friendly, or … or … is it a pirate ship?’
‘How would I know? Why don’t you ask it! And may I remind you I have a 215 megatronbyte boogleplex memory, so don’t call me “stupid”, stupid!’ snipped the computer, bleeping off.
‘Computer, contact the ship and ask them to identify themselves,’ ordered Harvey. The computer didn’t respond. It was sulking. ‘Please!’ added Harvey. There was still no reply.
‘I’ll do it, Captain,’ said Gizmo. And he busily flicked switches on his engineering desk. Then he flicked them again, but more urgently. ‘They’re not responding,’ he said.
‘Try again,’ said Harvey. Gizmo did so, but there was still no reply.
(Again, I don’t want to alarm you. The ship-to-ship SpaceTime system on the Toxic Spew isn’t exactly in good nick, and sometimes it works so badly it would be better to just shout. Except that of course sound doesn’t travel through space. So it might just be that the other ship simply didn’t get the signal, and there’s nothing to worry about.
On the other hand, the brave but mucky crew of the Toxic Spew might be being chased by some of the most vicious and ferocious space pirates in the entire Known Universe, and Beyond.
Who knows?)
Chapter Fifteen
Spaceship graveyard
‘Splattering puke! I don’t like this, Captain,’ said Scrummage anxiously from the garbage control desk.
Harvey didn’t like it either. Warning bells were screaming in his head, but he didn’t want to alarm the crew so he said calmly: ‘We’ll soon tell if they’re following us. Maxie, head into the scrap yard and see if it follows us.’
‘Aye, aye, sir.’
Through the vast vision screens Harvey watched as they drew closer to the giant cluster of spaceships in the scrap yard. Scrummage was still carefully towing the cargo container attached to the nozzle of the Ultrawave 3.2 Vac Tube.
Flying past dozens of abandoned spaceships that were just silently hanging in space, with absolutely no signs of life was frankly spooky. It was like a graveyard of deserted ships – and a haunted one at that.
The gaps between the spaceships seemed worryingly small to Harvey. But, as usual, he was blown away by Maxie’s piloting skills as she skilfully swooped and swerved round the abandoned craft looking for the office.
And, to everyone’s relief, the ominously large ship that had seemed to be following them didn’t follow them into the scrapyard.
(See, I told you it might be nothing to worry about.)
Quasar Quick Fix and Quality Parts
The office of Quasar Quick Fix and Quality Parts Depot is a small, shabby space station Portakabin surrounded by several docking bays. Clear plasti-glass space-gangways connect the bays to the office. It looks like a cross between a snow dome, a marble run and a giant spider.
(Look, I realise that’s probably not a very helpful description, but is it my fault that you have so little experience of interplanetary exploration on your planet?
I mean, if you’d taken the trouble to get out and about a bit in outer space you would have seen an interstellar scrapyard and I wouldn’t have to try to describe one to you, would I?
So don’t blame me.)
Maxie skilfully docked the Toxic Spew in an empty bay with the exit pod perfectly lined up to the airlock entry, and hauled on the supersonic handbrake. The cargo container took up another four parking spaces behind them.
Scrummage turned the Ultrawave 3.2 Vac Tube down to Nova Power. ‘Shall we go, Captain?’ he said, heading off the bridge.
‘Er, yes,’ said Harvey, following him and wondering how they were actually going to get from the Toxic Spew to the scrapyard office. He’d had one terrifying experience of being stranded outside in the utter airlessness of space and didn’t fancy another one. But he didn’t want to show his ignorance and decided to trust his Rubbish Officer to get him there safely.
‘Assuming command, sir,’ said Gizmo crisply and headed for the captain’s chair. Maxie groaned dramatically and rolled her turquoise eyes under her multicoloured fringe.
Gizmo ignored her and handed Harvey his digipad with the list of spare parts. ‘I doubt we’ll be able to get them all, sir,’ he said. ‘But I’ve put the most vital ones at the top.’
Don’t panic!
Harvey followed Scrummage along the dank, dimly lit and frankly filthy corridors to the exit pod of the Toxic Spew. You’d expect to hear their feet clanging on the metal floors. But all you could hear was a disgustingly sticky slurp as their feet peeled off the tacky surface. The stench of rotting rubbish that clung throughout the ship made Harvey’s eyes water. He clenched his teeth and tried not to gag.
After a few gobsmackingly gross minutes, they arrived at the exit pod.
(Again, since you’re from Earth you probably haven’t been on a single spaceship, have you? So you don’t have a clue what the exit pod looks like. Even though it’s a perfectly normal one.
Imagine a short, round corridor with a circular door at each end. Then imagine it covered in piles of tatty old spacesuits, boots and helmets just strewn all over the floor.
And finally, imagine the walls, floor and doors smeared with thick dollops of muck and grime. You know, the kind you have to scrape off with a blunt knife or your fingernail.)
SCHWOOOSH!
The door slid open and they went in. Harvey bent down to pick up a spacesuit, but to his amazement, Scrummage calmly stepped over the pile of space kit and start to open the outside door.
‘Er, haven’t you forgotten something?’ said Harvey pointedly.
‘Oh, sorry,’ said Scrummage, stepping aside. ‘After you, Captain.’
That’s not what I meant, thought Harvey. His heart pounded with fear as he stood, without so much as a pair of swimming goggles for protection, at the exit hatch of the Toxic Spew. It began to slide open.
Don’t panic, he told himself. Scrummage might be reckless, but he’s not that stupid. If he needed a spa
cesuit he would have remembered to put one on. So calm down, you are not going to die, he told himself. But his brain disagreed and screamed silently in his head.
AAAAAAARGH!
Chapter Sixteen
Another human!?
SCHWHOOOOSH!
The exit hatch hissed open to an air-conditioned tunnel, with see-through sides, that had automatically sealed itself onto the outside of the Toxic Spew. A strip of lights ran along the floor, guiding the way to the office. This is AWESOME, thought Harvey as they trudged along the walkway, with millions of stars and a handful of planets all around him, beyond the clear plasti-glass walls.
As they got near the office, Scrummage turned to Harvey and patted the side of his nose.
‘Leave it to me to do the talking,’ he said. ‘The scrap merchant’s a bit of a rogue but we’re old mates and he’ll do me a good deal.’
Fine by me, thought Harvey. Then he realised he was just about to meet another alien and didn’t want to offend anyone by overreacting (or even fainting) so he asked Scrummage what sort of alien to expect.
‘Alien? He isn’t an alien!’ said Scrummage.
A human? thought Harvey. Another human! And then another brilliant, massive and incredible thought struck him: he’ll know how to get back to Earth! Harvey was ecstatic and a huge grin spread across his face. He couldn’t wait to meet him.
The plasti-glass walkway ended in a dull grey wall with a door to one side. The words ‘Quasar Quick Fix and Quality Parts – OFFICE’ were scrawled messily on the door in what looked to Harvey, suspiciously like felt-tip pen. As soon as they approached, the door slid open automatically with a horrible grating noise that set Harvey’s teeth on edge.
Well, to be honest, it slid open partly and then stuck. Harvey could just about slip through but Scrummage had to force it open with his shoulder to squeeze his plump (actually, make that fat) body into the office.
The scrap merchant was leaning behind a high counter in the middle of the office. Behind him a tatty poster of lots of different spaceships was tacked onto the grubby wall. Taller than Gizmo and wider than Scrummage, he was as big as a bear. And he had a purple face, turquoise eyes and multicoloured hair. He was obviously from Zeryx Minor.
Harvey was gutted.
(If you’ve got a bit confused here it might help if I explain how the whole ‘alien’ thing works throughout the entire Known Universe, and Beyond.
It’s quite simple.
Someone from your own planet is not an alien – even if you meet them on another planet. But if you meet someone from another planet then they are an alien. Unless you’re on their planet, in which case you’re an alien and they’re not.
And if two aliens from different planets meet a third alien on his or her or its world, then the first two aliens are both aliens and the third alien isn’t. But if they all met up on a fourth planet then they’re all aliens. Are you keeping up?
And if two aliens from the same world meet a third alien on his or her or its world, then the first two aliens are not aliens to each other but they are aliens to the third alien, who is not an alien.
See? Simple.)
Scrummage does the talking
‘Takki, you old rascal!’ cried Scrummage.
‘Scrummage, you old scoundrel!’ beamed the scrap merchant leaning over the counter to give Scrummage a hearty wallop on the back. They laughed and thumped each other happily for a short while and then Scrummage introduced Harvey.
‘Blimey, he’s a bit young for a captain, isn’t he?’ said Takki.
‘Yes but he’s brilliant,’ bragged Scrummage, putting his arm around Harvey proudly. ‘He made captain aged nine.’
Harvey winced inwardly but managed a weak smile. I really am going to have to tell them that the Highford All Stars is a football team, he thought.
‘A captain at nine?! Blimey, young man!’ said Takki and shot a respectful look at Harvey. ‘You’re a bit smart then. Tell you what, why don’t you leave Scrummage to do the talking!’ And his purple face broke into a huge grin.
Harvey grinned back. The scrap merchant looked well dodgy, but he instantly liked him. You knew where you were with people like him. They’d rob you blind if you gave them a chance, and they didn’t pretend otherwise.
‘So what brings you to this distant corner of Galaxy 43b?’ asked Takki.
Scrummage rubbed his hands together eagerly. ‘We’ve got a bit a business to put your way. We’ve got a SupaCosmicCargo container in excellent condition. We’ll swap it for these.’ And he handed Takki Gizmo’s digipad with the long list of parts the Toxic Spew needed.
(I don’t know if you need a reminder, but here’s the list of Gizmo’s ‘must haves’:
rear subatomic tow bar
rubber counter gravity bumper
reactor-driven heat shield
back booster ramscoop plate
reversing camera and
2 wing mirrors)
Takki scanned the list then roared with laughter. ‘Good grief! Is that ship actually space-worthy? In fact, is it even safe?’
Scrummage grinned. ‘Probably not!’
Takki turned to Harvey. ‘Blimey,’ he joked, ‘you’ve got to be brave to fly in that!’
‘Yup,’ said Harvey. ‘The crew of the Toxic Spew are a pretty brave bunch.’
Scrummage hitched up his overalls and tried to look modest.
Takki does the talking
‘Tell you what,’ said Takki, ‘I get the container and the cargo and you get a rear subatomic tow bar, a back booster ramscoop plate and two wing mirrors. Can’t say fairer than that!’
‘No chance!’ exclaimed Scrummage hotly. ‘We get the cargo! There’s absolutely no way we’re giving away the cargo.’
Takki leant forward on his counter with interest. ‘Oh yeah? Why, what’s in there then?’
‘Er … I don’t know,’ lied Scrummage, badly, and trying to shrug casually.
Takki’s turquoise eyes narrowed with suspicion under his white eyebrows. ‘Why don’t you know? Is it stolen?’
‘Mottled vomit!’ cried Scrummage. ‘Would I do that to you?’
‘Yes,’ said Takki simply. ‘So, again, why don’t you know what’s in the container?’
‘Er … er … ’ stammered Scrummage.
Harvey does the talking
Harvey spoke up. He wasn’t going to lie to Takki. But he wasn’t going to give him the whole story either.
‘We answered a distress signal from the SupaCosmicCargo Delivery Company. The couriers said they weren’t responsible for the quantity, colour or existence of the cargo,’ he said, with total honesty. ‘Or feeding, watering or exercising it,’ he added.
There was a beat and then Takki rocked backwards with laughter. ‘Are you mad? There could be anything in there from a pile of worthless space junk, to crates of deadly poisonous toxic gas or a writhing heap of Giant Space Slop Worms that’ll suck you to death! Well, in that case, I’ll take the container and you can definitely keep the cargo.’
‘But what about the spare parts?’ asked Harvey, tapping the digipad.
‘I said you were a smart one,’ said Takki. There was a sharp intake of breath as he scanned the list again. ‘OK, I can let you have a back booster ramscoop plate and two wing mirrors.’
‘Can’t you sling in a rear subatomic tow bar, just for old time’s sake?’ pleaded Scrummage.
‘Oh, go on then. But you’re robbing me blind.’ And he shook hands, first with Scrummage and then with Harvey and the deal was done.
Red alert!
As soon they got back to the command bridge Harvey ordered the computer to transport the cargo straight into the hold of the Toxic Spew. Then Maxie expertly slid the ship’s controls out of orbital drive and took off the supersonic handbrake.
She pushed her sleeves up her arms, sat forward at the flight desk and using the manifold shunting boosters she slowly pulled away from the docking bay of the Quasar Quick Fix and Quality Parts interstellar scrapy
ard and into hyperspace.
As soon as the Toxic Spew was safely clear, Harvey and Scrummage literally ran down to the cargo bay, desperate to see how much Techno-tium there was.
And just how rich – how very, very rich they all were.
But they’d only just got to the cargo hold doors when suddenly:
RED ALERT! RED ALERT!
WHOOP! WHOOP! WHOOP!
‘Captain to the bridge, Captain to the bridge!’ screamed the computer hysterically:
‘WE’RE UNDER ATTACK!’
Chapter Seventeen
Under attack
ZAP! ZAP! ZAP!
Harvey and Scrummage raced back onto the bridge.
ZAP! ZAP! ZAP!
RED ALERT! RED ALERT!
WHOOP! WHOOP! WHOOP!
‘Fluttering vomit!’ cried Scrummage.
‘Shields up!’ yelled Harvey to Maxie.
‘Oh, I wish I’d thought of that,’ she yelled sarcastically from the flight desk. ‘On no, wait, I did. Otherwise we’d have been crushed to a pulp, pulverised to a paste, pounded to a powder, and scattered to the ends of the entire Known Universe, and Beyond!’
Harvey took this in for a nanosecond and said. ‘Thank you, well done, Officer Maxie.’
ZAP! ZAP-A-ZAP! ZAP!
Streaks of blazing red rays blasted against the ship’s shields and lit the bridge with hot streaked lightning. The Toxic Spew juddered and trembled (and so did the crew) and it was all Maxie could do to keep the ship level. It was like being in a violent indoor thunderstorm (but without the rain).
SCHWOOOSH!
Suddenly the doors to the bridge slid opened.
