by Cas Lester
Not now, Yargal!
‘Lunchtime!’ cried Yargal gaily and she slurped onto the bridge, her tentacles full of pizza boxes and drinks cartons.
Snuffles plodded closely behind her, drooling hopefully. Long strings of saliva dripped off his huge teeth.
‘And, Captain, I made you a plain cheese and tomato one without even the teeny tiniest smidgeon of rocket fuel sauce!’ said Yargal with pride.
‘Not now!’ cried Harvey. ‘We’re under attack!’
ZAP! ZAP-A-ZAP-A-ZAP! ZAP!
RED ALERT! RED ALERT!
WHOOP! WHOOP! WHOOP!
‘Aaaaaargh!’ screamed Yargal. ‘We’re under attack!’
Her blue tentacles flailed violently and the pizza boxes crashed to the floor and burst open. Snuffles was on them in a flash and wolfing down pizza as if it was the last meal he was ever going to get. Which, given the crisis on the bridge, was very possible.
Oh, yuk!
Yargal was terrified. Her body oozed thick yellow sweat and strings of slimy grey snot splattered everywhere as she sobbed and hiccupped violently.
She was without doubt the most disgusting thing Harvey had ever seen. He froze, staring at her in utter revulsion. Then she flung herself into his arms.
SPLAT!
(That’s the one snag of having a Yargillian on the bridge at a time of crisis. They’re very soggy when they panic and they don’t keep it to themselves.)
‘Save me,’ she cried!
Oh yuk, thought Harvey, as strands of snot flickered onto his face and trails of gunk slimed his school uniform. But to his enormous credit, he kept both his nerve and his manners. Calmly and gently he pushed her towards the Chief Rubbish Officer, who was the least busy member of the bridge crew at that moment.
‘Scrummage, look after Yargal.’
ZAP-A-ZAP-A-ZAP!
RED ALERT! RED ALERT!
WHOOP! WHOOP! WHOOP!
‘What are we going to do?’ yelled Maxie, wrestling with the flight controls and desperately trying to keep the ship steady.
‘The shields aren’t going to stand much more of this, Captain,’ warned Gizmo, frantically punching buttons at the engineering desk.
The ominously large spaceship, yet again.
‘Computer, give me a damage report,’ ordered Harvey.
BLEEP, BLIBBLE, BLEEP!
went the computer, then it said casually, ‘Well, I could do, but in all honesty, is it worth it? You’re all going to die anyway. I may as well go back to my game.’ And it bleeped off.
Before the crew could take in this dire, if not totally unexpected news, the ominously large ship that had seemed to be following them, suddenly zipped into view on the front vision screen.
Menacing, shiny and jet-black, it glittered and gleamed with glitzy space bling. The sleek lines of the ship were picked out in large flashy fake diamonds. And its front bumper was edged with yellow and green gems mounted in gold trim.
It was glossy and glassy.
But it certainly wasn’t classy.
There was a nanosecond of a pause and then three Zeryx Minors and one Yargillion all went:
‘AAAAAAAARGH!’
‘BLING BOTS!’
Chapter Eighteen
Terror on the command bridge
SCRABBLE THUMP!
Scrummage flung himself under the garbage control desk.
SCRABBLE, SCRABBLE!
‘Move over!’
THUMP!
Maxie joined him and:
BLEURGH!
Gizmo vomited in pure terror into a plastic cup and then crumpled into a collapsed heap in his seat.
WHIMPER, WHINE!
Snuffles flattened his huge body down onto the deck and put his massive fluffy paws over his eyes. His meatball of a nose quivered and cringed. And,
SLAP, SPLAT!
Yargal fainted and hit the deck, hard.
Captain Harvey Drew, the eleven-year-old commander of the Toxic Spew was the only man left standing.
(I’m sorry to interrupt the story at this electrifying moment, but you have absolutely no idea why the crew are so petrified, and I wouldn’t want you to think it’s because they’re cowards.
The Bling Bots from the planet Sy-Boorg in the Droid Galaxy are the most notorious and ruthless pirates in the entire Known Universe, and Beyond.
To give you some idea of just how bad they are, they’re worse than the vicious Vultons from the Carrion Cluster in Galaxy 6, and even worse than the TerrorDactoids from the Terbium Matrix Belt and far, far worse than …
Actually, you’ve never heard of any of these aliens, have you? So none of this means anything to you, does it?
You really do lead a sheltered life on your little planet, don’t you?
Lucky you.)
Ship-to-ship SpaceTime
To Harvey’s surprise, the Bling Bots suddenly stopped firing. A small icon appeared on the monitor at Gizmo’s engineering control desk asking for ship-to-ship SpaceTime.
‘They want to make contact,’ whimpered Gizmo anxiously.
But:
RED ALERT! RED ALERT!
WHOOP! WHOOP! WHOOP!
The ships alarms were still screaming so loudly that Harvey could hardly hear Gizmo, and worse, he could hardly hear himself think. And just right now, he needed a really clear head.
‘Computer, cut alarms,’ he ordered.
‘Oh, are you still alive? What a lovely surprise!’ said the computer brightly. ‘Of course, you might live to regret it. The Bling Bots are very keen on inflicting terribly slow and dreadfully painful deaths. But anyhow, cutting alarms.’
The sudden silence on the bridge was nerve wracking. All Harvey could hear was the BLEEP! BLEEP! alert of the ship-to-ship SpaceTime request.
Yargal was still out cold on the deck. A pool of grey slime gathered around her. Maxie and Scrummage were cowering under their desks while Gizmo sat trembling violently. He had gone a very pale purple. Snuffles had gone very quiet. He was playing dead. Smart dog.
Another team pep talk
Harvey took a deep breath. He might not be the most experienced spaceship captain in the entire Known Universe, and Beyond, but he had plenty of experience of captaining the weaker team. The Highford All Stars were nowhere near the top of the league and had to face really tough opponents almost every Sunday. And it wasn’t just the team. The mums and dads could be horrendous.
But you couldn’t let that intimidate you. He’d known teams lose a match before they’d even left the changing rooms. The captain’s job is to make his team believe they can win. It was time for a team pep talk.
‘Right … er … Bin Men,’ he said. ‘Listen up. I haven’t been Captain of the Toxic Spew for very long, but in that time you’ve really impressed me by getting through some deadly dangerous situations.
‘You’ve faced poisonous killer maggots, a multiple spacecraft pile-up on the HyperspaceWay, and lethal exploding garbage that sent us spiralling off completely out of control.
‘And I bet that before I joined you, you probably faced all sort of lots of other dire and dreadful challenges … and you obviously coped with them all or you wouldn’t be here now.
‘So, Officers Scrummage and Maxie, please return to your stations. Officer Gizmo, standby to accept the ship-to-ship SpaceTime connection. Snuffles, sit … SIT! Good dog. And, Yargal … Yargal?’
But Yargal was still out cold – which was probably a good thing.
Bring it on
Sheepishly, Scrummage and Maxie clambered back into their seats, Scrummage only pausing to bravely hitch up his overalls. Maxie pushed up her sleeves and Gizmo sat bolt upright in his seat. Snuffles sat with his back against Harvey’s legs. To be fair to them, in all their multiple intergalactic missions, the Bin Men of the Toxic Spew had never, ever had to face anything so utterly and completely terrifying as Bling Bots. And it was frankly staggering that Harvey had managed to rally his team … er, crew, at all.
‘Are we ready on the bridge?’ he
asked calmly.
‘Yes, sir,’ replied the crew.
Harvey flicked his fringe off his forehead and leant forward on the arm of the chair in what he hoped looked like a firm and commanding position. ‘Right then, Officer Gizmo, let’s meet the opposition.’
Chapter Nineteen
Bling Bots!
Trying to control his trembling fingers, Officer Gizmo clicked to accept the ship-to-ship SpaceTime connection. An image appeared on the front vision screen – it took up almost the entire screen.
A hideously ugly alien stared silently, and threateningly at Harvey.
Harvey flinched inwardly but forced himself not to react. But Snuffles shot to his feet with his hackles up. He bared his teeth and snarled furiously. Dribbles of drool dripped onto the deck.
DROOL! DRIBBLE! DROOL!
(If you have a weak stomach, or if you’ve just eaten, you might want to give this next bit a miss.)
Bling Bots are half robot and half space worm. They look like metal beetles with a sweaty, bare grey brain stuck on top, protected by unbreakable clear plasti-glass space helmets.
Their brains have a large bloodshot eye slapped in the middle and a thin cruel mouth underneath. Bristling with weapons, they are completely indestructible.
They’re also covered with tacky and utterly tasteless studded jewellery and layers of looped gold chains. Ghastly.
(You might think they want to hide their ugliness by piling on the bling. But then you’re not from Galaxy 43b, are you?
They actually want to dazzle their victims by piling on the bling, like the hypnotic eyes of a deadly snake, before they kill them.)
Cosmic cool Captain
The hideously ugly alien still stared silently and threateningly at Harvey. So Harvey coolly stared back. Two could play at that game.
The Bling Bot broke first. ‘Hand over the Techno-tium, or we’ll blow up your ship,’ he growled, his thin lips moving like an open gash in his brain.
Snuffles growled threateningly, his hackles still raised. His huge slobbery lip lifted in a ferocious snarl.
‘Down, Snuffles,’ ordered Harvey. ‘Down and settle.’ Reluctantly, and still snarling, the huge Hazard Hunting Hound lay on the deck, protecting Harvey.
Boldly, Harvey carried on: ‘What Techno-tium? I don’t know what you’re talking about,’ he bluffed.
‘We know you’ve got it. We’ve been following you since you took it off the SupaCosmicCargo Delivery Company ship. So give it to us or else … ’ grimaced the Bling Bot. He paused for effect and menacingly clacked his sharp claws with their glittery fake gems. ‘Or else we’ll blow you and your puny little garbage ship into a gazillion nanocrumbs and plaster you across the entire galaxy.’
Harvey didn’t flinch. But he could sense fear creeping round the command bridge and into the crew.
Cosmic clever Captain
Well, Bling Bots might have massive brains, but they not very bright, thought Harvey. So with gobsmacking bravery and brilliant logic, he simply said: ‘Is that a good plan?’
‘Er … yes,’ said the Bling Bot, slightly thrown. He’d used his best usual opening threat and it always worked in the past.
‘I don’t think so,’ said Harvey calmly. ‘Look, we don’t actually have any Techno-tium. But just for fun, let’s pretend that we do. OK?’
‘Er … yes,’ said the Bling Bot, now more than just slightly thrown. His single eye blinked rapidly as if he was struggling to follow Harvey’s argument.
‘Think about it,’ continued Harvey. ‘If you blow the Toxic Spew into a gazillion nanocrumbs and plaster it across the entire galaxy, then wouldn’t you find it a bit difficult to sweep up all the gazillion teeny tiny bits of Techno-tium afterwards?’
‘Er … yes,’ said the Bling Bot. Who obviously hadn’t thought of that. And his massive brain flushed pale pink with embarrassment.
‘Well, er … ’ he said, his single eye blinking furiously, and sweat breaking out on his brain. ‘In that case, you have thirty seconds to hand it over, or we’ll smash your shields and board your ship. Then we’ll kill you all slowly and painfully and then help ourselves to the Techno-tium. Thirty seconds,’ he snarled and bleeped off.
Thirty seconds … and counting!
‘Grrrr,’ growled Snuffles from Harvey’s feet.
‘What are we going to do?’ cried Scrummage.
Harvey was aware of three terrified purple faces with six turquoise eyes staring at him. Yargal was stirring, so to give himself some thinking time, Harvey went over to help haul her up onto her single slimy foot. Oh, yuk, he thought, grasping a couple of her slippery tentacles. She really is disgusting to touch with your bare hands.
‘Captain, we have less than thirty seconds. What are we going to do?’ said Maxie urgently.
There was a beat and then Harvey said, ‘Hand over the Techno-tium. It’s not worth dying for.’
‘Noooo!’ cried Scrummage. And I mean ‘cried’. Like a baby. Tears rolled down his fat cheeks at the thought of just handing over such a valuable cargo.
‘Yes!’ said Gizmo.
‘No!’ snapped Maxie. ‘Fine captain you’re turning out to be. There’s no point in just handing it over – they’ll kill us anyway. Bling Bots never, ever let anyone go. They’d never live it down. They’ll tear us limb from limb, gouge out our eyes, slit our throats, rip out our gizzards and poison our pizza.’
‘Oh, Captain,’ sobbed Yargal. ‘I don’t want to be torn limb from limb, and have my eyes gouged out, my throat slit, my gizzards ripped out and my pizza poisoned!’
‘Neither do I,’ said Harvey. ‘Computer, can we outrun them?’
‘Nope.’
‘Can we outmanoeuvre them?’
‘Nope.’
‘Can we outshoot them?’
‘Nope.’
‘Well, what can we do?’
‘You have two options,’ it said cheerfully. ‘You can keep the cargo and be killed. Or you can hand over the cargo and be killed.
‘But you have at least ten seconds left to pack in some last-minute fun … so go on, let your hair down and party!’
Chapter Twenty
Screaming engines
‘Maxie, REVERSE! FULL COSMIC SPEED!’ ordered Harvey. ‘Gizmo, do everything you can to keep the shields up and holding. Scrummage and Yargal, hold tight!’
‘Yes, Captain!’ cried Maxie and yanked the flight control joystick backwards and the Toxic Spew zipped away backwards from the Bling Bot ship at a fantastic speed.
Harvey nearly flew clean out of the captain’s chair as he was flung forward. (It made a change from hurtling backwards and smashing his head against the metal headrest.)
The engines of the Toxic Spew screamed in protest – they weren’t designed to race backwards at full cosmic speed.
Yargal screamed too – she wasn’t designed to race anywhere or anyhow. She wobbled violently and flung her tentacles over her eyes.
Maxie forced the throttle as much as she could, hauling back on the flight joystick with both hands, but within seconds the Bling Bots had caught up. To be fair, they had a much bigger and faster ship.
(It might interest you to know that although the Toxic Spew has cosmic drive power and a top speed of, oh, lots of gazillion light years per intergalactic hour, the Bling Bot ship has ultra-mega-nova drive power which means it can go faster than the speed of light.
But of course, you’re from Earth so you’re probably not that interested in the finer details of spaceship technology, are you?
And even if you were, you probably wouldn’t understand them.)
Crazy plan
‘Captain, we can’t possibly outrun them,’ said Gizmo. ‘What’s your plan?’
‘Head back into the interstellar scrapyard and see if we can lose them.’
‘Are you crazy? You’ll get us all killed!’ cried Gizmo.
‘We’re all going to die!’ whimpered Yargal.
‘No we’re not,’ said Harvey. ‘They might be bigger a
nd faster, but we’re smaller, zippier and we’ve got one thing they haven’t.’
‘What’s that?’
‘The best pilot in the entire Known Universe, and Beyond,’ said Harvey. Maxie flashed him a quick grin from under her long fringe.
Harvey was relying on Maxie’s expert flying skills to weave her way through the multiple abandoned spacecraft like a star striker chasing a hat trick. He was sure the Bling Bots wouldn’t be able to keep up with them.
But then he’s new to the job. So hey, what does he know?
Hit and miss
The plucky little Toxic Spew (and her equally plucky little crew) plunged into a terrifying cat-and-mouse chase at full pelt, pursued relentlessly by the Bling Bots. Maxie had been right. They would never let them go.
ZAP! ZAP! ZAP!
Their deadly ray guns blazed, pounding the shields of the little garbage control ship whenever they got the chance.
ZAP! ZAP! ZAP!
KA-BOOM!
‘Hit!’ cried the computer helpfully.
ZAP! ZAP! ZAP!
‘Miss … ’
ZAP–A-ZAP-A-ZAP!
‘Miss … ’
ZAP! ZAP-A-ZAP! ZAP!
KA-BOOM!
‘Oh! Hit … ’
ZAP! ZAP!
KA-KA-KABOOM!
‘And another hit!’
‘Computer, shut up! ordered Harvey.
The tension on the bridge was unbearable. Maxie’s hands flew over the controls and all the others could do was watch through the vision screens in horror as ship after ship loomed up at them at terrifying speed.
ZIIIIP!
The Toxic Spew shot around the back of a derelict Number 26D starport orbital shuttle bus.
DART!
They whizzed underneath an ancient and now decrepit luxury space yacht.
