The Imperfection of Swans

by Brandon Witt

  “I wish I could do something, Kev. I would if I could. Please believe that.”

  Strangely, he did. Not that it mattered either way.

  Maybe he could find another place. One that was cheaper. Someplace in the suburbs. He could open a shop in JP. He’d be living there soon enough with his moms anyway.

  Living with his moms. It had seemed worth it. Now….

  Another thought hit, and he let out a groan. “Oh no. Casper….”

  Scott cocked an eyebrow and spoke through a mouthful of coffee cake. “Casper?”

  “Yeah. Casper James, he’s a baker at Savor. You know, that restaurant in the Jewel hotel?”

  “Sure. It’s great. But what about him?”

  “He was going to rent the second level from me. Open a wedding cake bakery. Kind of a perfect combo, and it really would have helped on making the mortgage. He’s going to be devastated.” Kevin was surprised that he hurt for Casper nearly as much as for himself. He’d been so excited and in love with the brownstone. “I didn’t think I’d want anyone else in there with me, but Casper seemed as into it as I was.”

  “Casper, huh?” Scott didn’t suppress a chuckle. “That’s an unfortunate name, unless you’re a ghost.”

  Kevin felt strangely defensive, despite having thought the same thing himself when he’d met Casper after the work Christmas party.

  Scott’s face suddenly darkened, his features serious. “Is he someone you’re seeing?”

  “Do I seem that stupid to you? Going into business with someone I’m dating?” Kevin wanted to be irritated with Scott asking about his relationships, and normally he would have been, but something about Scott’s expression made him feel things he’d not wanted to ever feel again.

  Scott just shrugged, but he seemed to relax a little. “Well, that sucks for him too, but you’re the one I’m worried about. Do you wanna take a walk with me or something, blow off some steam?”

  “No. I’d better—” Kevin’s response was instant, but then he hesitated. He did know Scott well, and he abruptly realized what he’d meant by blow off steam. “I ah… should really get back to work. Looks like I won’t be quitting after all.”

  Work. More burning of his eyes. Kevin stood quickly. He was not going to cry a second time. “Thanks for all your help.” He turned and moved quickly toward the door.

  “Sorry, Kev. I’ll call tonight and check in on you.”

  Kevin made a quick motion over his shoulder by way of response but didn’t slow.

  The snowfall stung his eyes but cured any tear flow that was threatening. Looked like they were going to have a white Christmas in four days. Noelle would be ecstatic. The thought made him smile for a moment. At least she would be happy. Although he knew better. She’d be nearly as devastated as he felt.

  Ah, Casper.

  Fuck.

  Kevin stepped into the doorway of a store to get some protection from the cold and called Casper’s cell. No answer. He almost left a message but then thought better of it. That wasn’t news a person should leave on voice mail. Instead he sent a text to call him when there was a free moment.

  THE ELEVATOR had nearly reached the floor of Kevin’s advertising agency when his phone began to vibrate. He glanced at the screen. Casper.

  Well, that was fast.

  Before he could answer, the doors slid open. Kevin tapped the button to return to the first floor, then swiped his thumb across the phone’s screen. “Hey, Casper. Thanks for calling back so quickly.”

  “No problem. I just stepped out of the restaurant.” Casper’s voice sounded nervous. “Everything okay?”

  Maybe this was a good thing. It was physically painful having to tell Casper the news. What if he’d gotten the loan, opened the business, and then failed? How would he call his family and tell them they’d lost all their money because they’d chosen to invest in him? He’d known Casper for a matter of minutes, and the experience was horrible. He wouldn’t be able to survive the other. “Hang on just a moment. I’m in the elevator and don’t have great reception. I’m almost back to the first floor.”

  It was a lie, but he needed a second.

  Had he always been so fragile, so quick to succumb to tears? He’d been through tons of stress and hurt. He’d never let anything beat him. Not even the divorce had managed to shatter him. He’d cried, but he’d gotten up the next day and gone to work.

  But this? This threatened to make him crumble.

  All too soon, the lobby vestibule was opened to him, and he stepped through, lifting the phone to his ear once more as he headed down the marble hallway toward the restroom. “Okay, better now. You still there?”

  “Yes. I’m here.” Kevin didn’t know Casper well at all, but if he had to guess, it sounded like Casper was probably having to hold on to something to stay upright.

  “I’m so sorry, Casper, but I’ve got some bad news. The loan fell through. I just found out. I wanted you to know quickly so you… so you don’t quit your job or something.”

  “The loan fell through? As in, you’re not getting the building?” He sounded disbelieving.

  “Yes. I’m so very sorry.”

  “I just… that makes no sense. I was so certain.” Casper’s voice cracked.

  Kevin dug in his pocket for another antacid.

  “Are you having second thoughts about having the bakery there?”

  “No. Not at all. Though I kinda wish that was the case. The loan truly fell through.”

  There was a long pause. It seemed Casper was having an even harder time accepting the reality than Kevin was. “Why?”

  A spark of irritation flashed. Kevin just wanted to get off the phone and be done with this. “It just did. These things happen sometimes.”

  “But why? Did they say?”

  What was going on with this guy? But honestly, what did it matter if Casper knew? At least it might get him off the phone. “My uncle’s credit wasn’t as good as everyone thought it was, basically, so it’s over.”

  Another pause. “So you’re short for the down payment.”

  Oh, for fuck! “Yes.”

  “How much?”

  “Casper, I don’t mean to be rude, but I don’t want to hash through all of this. I just wanted you to know—”

  Casper cut in, his voice firm. “How much? There’s a reason I’m asking.”

  Kevin let the breath out of his nose slowly. “His portion was two hundred thousand dollars.”

  “I can cover that.”

  Kevin had to think through those words several times before he believed he’d heard the correct thing. “What?”

  Casper’s tone grew excited again. “I can cover that! We can still get the brownstone.”

  Despite himself, a modicum of hope began to blossom. Kevin tried to smother it. Better to accept than to be dashed against the rocks again. “Even if you could, there’s no time for you to get a loan for that. We were supposed to close in two days. Scott… the banker already said that we don’t have time to get another person to take out a second—”

  “Kevin, listen to me. I can cover it. In cash.”

  A billion thoughts crashed in a pileup inside his brain. “You have nearly a quarter of a million available in cash?”

  “Yes.”

  Who the hell was this man? “I thought you were a baker. Are you part of the mob or something?”

  A warm chuckle floated over the line. “You’re the Italian. At least you look like it.”

  “I’ll ignore that racist comment.” Kevin almost grinned. “If you have that much, why haven’t you started your own business already?”

  “I don’t have much more than that, and you already know how much that will get you, at least in a place people would be willing to buy food. And I don’t have anyone else to cosign, like you do.”

  “You could have surely rented a building with that much.”

  “Not for a place I really wanted. Not for one that felt right. Nowhere close to this.”

  “How do
you have that much in cash?”

  “Geesh, Kevin. I didn’t rob a bank. I didn’t ask you where you got your money.”

  “Yes, you did.”

  “Oh, right, I guess I did.” There was a pause, and then Casper continued awkwardly. “I had an aunt and uncle who lived in California who died a few years ago. I was their favorite… long story… anyway, they left me a little over three hundred thousand.”

  “Wow.” Kevin felt a touch of jealousy, then shoved it aside. His family was basically doing the same thing, and they didn’t have to die to do it. “Do you have it where you can get it out easily, or will it take a week or—”

  “I can get it by closing. No problem.”

  It was all too much for Kevin to process accurately. Too fast. He never made hasty decisions. At least he hadn’t before a few weeks ago. In less than thirty minutes he was opening a wedding dress shop, then he wasn’t, and now it looked like he was again.

  He really was going to throw up. His gut gurgled, and Kevin placed a firm palm over his stomach.

  Casper’s voice was startling in his ear. “You’re not responding. Are you not wanting me to be part owner? That’s what you said people on the loan would have to be, right?”

  “Oh. I hadn’t made that connection yet, honestly.” More gurgling.

  “I can understand if you don’t. There’s a big difference between me renting from you and owning it with you.” Casper’s tone was slipping from the manic excitement to trepidation once more.

  “Just give me a sec, let me think.”

  With his family involved, Kevin would still have been completely in charge. At least as much as he ever would be with his family involved, financially or not. He would have still been in control with Casper renting from him. But this? His dream wasn’t to own a business with a stranger. He was supposed to do it on his own. Or with Scott.

  Scott. He’d been about to do this with his husband at the time. Hardly a stranger. Look how that turned out.

  What difference did it really make?

  “Okay. Let’s do it.”

  “Really?” Casper’s voice shot back to excitement instantly.

  “Yeah. It’s now or never, right?”

  “We got this! I can feel it. This is so going to work and be amazing.”

  “I wish I was as certain as you.” Kevin couldn’t help but be jealous of Casper’s nearly childlike faith. Or naïveté. “Last chance, are you sure?”

  “One trillion percent!”

  Kevin chuckled. “Okay, then. I’ll call the banker real quick and see if we can switch Tony to your name on the loan. I’m betting since you’re bringing cash and not needing further financing, there won’t be a problem. Can you get off work to be at loan closing the day after tomorrow?”

  Casper snorted. “Like I care if they say no. It would be a Christmas present to walk out and never come back.”

  CASPER

  “IF YOU two don’t stop laughing, I’m going to kick you out of here.” Kevin’s mom, Renata, Casper believed her name was, hissed at Kevin’s other mom and one of the aunts, Francesca. Or maybe it was Beatrice. He wasn’t sure. The introductions had been a flurry of voices, hugs, and estrogen.

  Noelle laughed louder and gave her wife a peck on the cheek. “No, you won’t, my darling sourpuss. We both have to sign the papers too.”

  “Well, then, at least remember we’re not at your salon.” Renata motioned to the two ladies sitting on either side of the head of the table. “These are my colleagues. One of whom is doing us a huge favor.”

  “Yes, dear.” Noelle managed to cover her snigger with fingers tipped with alternating red and green nails. The other woman let out one more snorted cackle and then managed to get control, her face reddening at the effort.

  Casper glanced at Kevin, who sat beside him. Kevin just grinned apologetically but didn’t seem truly embarrassed.

  HE’D SURPRISED himself. Casper had woken up unusually nervous that morning. The thought of putting down so much of his inheritance and owning part of one of the historic brownstones suddenly seemed more daunting than exciting. There would be no going back. Some of the money would be left, but he knew that if things started to go poorly with the shops, that money would go quickly, if there’d even be any left after paying to get the bakery up and running. If this failed, he very well might have to go back to Colorado Springs.

  The thought made his four roommates sound appealing.

  Casper left for the loan closing an hour and a half early to stop by the brownstone. Kevin had given him the code to get into the lockbox, and he’d spent the majority of the time wandering the three levels, even ducking down to check the crawl space, which was nearly large enough to be considered another level. His nerves didn’t fade until he shoved all of the previous owner’s furniture to one side, clearing the space where he envisioned the bakery counter. He didn’t even have to squint. He could see it. The curving marble. The silver and crystal stands holding magazine-quality wedding cakes. His wedding cakes. The assorted Edison lightbulbs hanging from different levels across the space.

  He wasn’t going to fail. This was meant to be.

  They weren’t going to fail.

  KEVIN ELBOWED him lightly on the arm, drawing Casper’s attention. “Hey, you doing okay?” They’d already signed four different papers, each getting passed down the row of Bivantis and ending with him. Judging from the stack, they had about three thousand to go.

  “Yeah.” Casper glanced at Kevin, then paused, really looking at him. Already he was getting used to those brownish olive-green eyes. He wished he could look longer, really take in the detail of their beautiful striations. Being close to Kevin was both comforting and unnerving. He was just so beautiful he didn’t quite seem real. “Uhm, yes. I’m great, actually.”

  “Still feeling good about all of this?”

  “Completely. We’ve got this!” He meant it. With everything in him. The risk couldn’t be bigger, and yet, in this moment, there seemed to be no risk at all.

  “Good. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate you jumping on board like this. I couldn’t have done it without you diving in as deep as the rest of us.”

  Casper didn’t get a chance to respond, as their buyer’s agent began to explain the next form she was passing around. He couldn’t remember her name, either, though he wished he could. She was one of the real-estate agents who worked with Renata and had waived her commission and fees, saving them well over a hundred grand.

  His attention was drawn to the four Bivanti women who lined the table, all signing their financial lives away, entrusting them to Kevin, and now, de facto, him. He picked up on the typical family stresses—Renata quietly criticizing Kevin’s choice of shirt when they’d greeted, Noelle’s eye roll at Renata’s seriousness, small things. Noelle was the odd one out. Pretty, but without the gorgeous skin the three Italian women boasted. Long dark hair with a few streaks of gray. Larger of build, and beautiful in a more motherly way. Renata looked similar to her sisters but was clearly the knockout. Even at whatever age she was, she could have been strolling down the streets of Milan or New York, or at a red-carpet premiere in Hollywood. It was easy to see where Kevin got his looks. More than anything, Casper saw family. He saw love. He saw a beautiful, enmeshed mess. And he was jealous. He couldn’t imagine there being such ease within his own family. His mom and dad would never bicker like Kevin’s family, but this, whatever the Bivantis had, was what he’d been longing for his entire life.

  THE LOAN closing did little to prepare Casper for dinner after. The Bivantis rented out a small dive-looking restaurant in the North End’s Little Italy. Casper, who was never shy around people, nearly had to go to the restroom to hide for a while. Apparently the entire Bivanti family came to celebrate. All five of Kevin’s aunts arrived, as well as some husbands and children who were mostly grown and who brought their children. Even Kevin’s ancient-looking grandmother was there, at the head of one of the longer tables, clearly enjoying her queen
-like status. Kevin had told him that the only ones not there were his uncle, Anthony, and Anthony’s husband, Rick. Though Casper wasn’t sure how he could even tell in the throng. When people had been standing, milling about before finding their seats, he kept losing sight of Kevin. They were both short enough that it was hard to find him in a crowd. Even a small one.

  By the time everyone was seated, Casper was placed beside Kevin and his aunts and moms. He wasn’t sure he’d ever been touched so much in his life. The hugs, handshakes, back smacks, upper arm squeezes—his body had a tingling, numb sensation. It seemed that if you bought a building with the Bivantis, you became a member of the family.

  Casper rather liked the idea.

  And the food! Dear God, the food! Casper had never seen the like. Tray after tray of pastas, veal, and fish seemed to come in a never-ending stream from the kitchen. Casper almost wondered if some of the house elves from Hogwarts had taken up residence in the North End.

  The quantity was nothing compared to the flavors. The restaurant might look like a dive, but it cooked like a Michelin Star winner. As soon as he managed to clear his plate, one of the aunts piled it full again. Casper had eaten so much that he was in pain. Actual physical pain, and yet the food kept coming. If his fork rested on his plate for more than a minute, someone would ask if he was okay or needed anything and then would scoff when Casper claimed to be full.

  It honestly didn’t make any sense. With the exception of one of the aunts, he would almost swear to her being the one named Donna, and a few of the men, there was not an overweight person in the bunch. And yet, they ate. All of them. The entire clan ate. All decked out in what appeared to be their Sunday finest, they ate as if they would never eat again. Casper wondered if perhaps they only ate at special occasions. Like bears foraging for winter, then not eating again until spring. It had to be the only explanation. No way could all these people eat like they did and not each be a thousand pounds.

  “Kevin, darling, have some of the piccata.” Without waiting, Renata spooned a thin slice of fried meat onto Kevin’s plate.