The Imperfection of Swans

by Brandon Witt

  Charu’s puzzlement turned to astonishment when she saw the man behind him. Casper barely caught himself before laughing out loud at her bug-eyed expression. It seemed he hadn’t been the only one to do some racial stereotyping.

  Casper led Mr. Russo to the marble counter and made a sweeping gesture. “Here it is. A bunch of cakes, tarts, cookies, marzipan. I could go on, but fish is nowhere to be found.”

  Mr. Russo actually began to inspect the pastries, going so far as sniffing a few of them. Charu and Casper gaped at each other, and Charu had to cover her mouth to keep from giggling.

  “I can assure you, we aren’t hiding raw fish in our tarts. And unfortunately, customers are not allowed behind the counter. Health regulations, as I’m sure you understand, Mr. Wang.” He couldn’t help himself.

  The older man stood rigid. “It is Mr. Russo, and I assure you that I am not a customer.”

  “Very well, then. I am certain we will miss your business.” Casper motioned toward the stairway. “Are you satisfied?”

  “For now.”

  Oh great. “Good enough. Let me walk you out.”

  After a seemingly intentionally slow pace down the stairs and across the dress shop to the door, Casper turned the dead bolt behind him.

  Kevin crossed the room toward him. “That go okay?”

  “Not to be racist, my love, but is there something wrong with your people?”

  “Hey, now. My family might be a little intense, but none of us are pretending to be Japanese.”

  Casper shrugged playfully. “I don’t know. I’ve gotten a close look at Italian culture the past couple of weeks as you were healing. Granted, none of them are crazy enough to think they might find sushi hidden in a wedding cake, but still.”

  “Actually, there are a couple in my family who might.” Kevin gave him a quick kiss. “By the way, I hear that you’re finally starting to get everyone’s names right.”

  “I think I’m doing pretty well. There’s only six dozen of you all flitting here and there at any given time.”

  At that moment Annie came up to them. “I’m sorry to interrupt, but I just want to clarify one more time, Mr. Bivanti. Are you certain you want me to ask women their price point on the garments when I book appointments? That seems a little insulting.”

  “Annie, you can call me Kevin, remember?” He patted Casper’s arm and started to walk away with his new employee. “Can you afford a twelve thousand dollar gown?”

  She shook her head.

  “Well, me neither. Now imagine you’re shopping for your wedding dress on a three thousand dollar budget, and trying on a twelve thousand dollar gown. Every dress you try on in your price range is going to be a disappointment after that. We don’t want our brides leaving disappointed.”

  Casper watched them go, smiling to himself. Kevin had put on weight over the past couple of weeks. He almost looked like he had when they’d first met. Though he still needed some Tums from time to time, the change was unbelievable. It even seemed to affect his stress level. There had been a meltdown or two, but not nearly as many as Casper had expected as Kevin was at home while the rest of his family was helping get Bella Dolce ready for business. Explaining the rationale of wedding gown pricing to Annie must not have been one of the things covered.

  It was hard to believe that in less than sixteen hours, the store would be open. It had all been such a whirlwind, it seemed like he’d just met Kevin yesterday. On the other hand, it had also begun to feel like it was never going to happen.

  If he’d realized all they were going to go through, Casper might have hesitated before jumping headfirst into all this craziness. He was glad he’d not known. He would hate to have missed all of this.

  KEVIN LIKED to be taken from behind—he said it made him less self-conscious—but this was Casper’s favorite position. Watching as Kevin rose and fell above him. The lights playing over his muscles and beautiful skin. The look of pleasure that played over his face. Casper could always tell when Kevin let go of the fear of what he might look like to Casper and gave in to the sensation of having Casper inside him. It was hot as fuck to watch him in those moments, and it was heady to have his body be what allowed the man he loved those moments of freedom.

  After a while, with Kevin next to him on their bed, Casper ran a hand over Kevin’s chest and carefully around the five small scars that were still red from healing. “I’m so glad you’re able to have sex again.”

  “Me too. I’ve needed it so badly.” Kevin let out a satisfied sigh, but his voice tightened as he spoke again. “I do hate that you see me like this, though.”

  “Like what?”

  “The scars, and I’ve put on weight, again.”

  Casper propped himself up and leaned over Kevin, making their faces line up. “I don’t love you because you’re beautiful. And I know it shouldn’t be the focus, but you are so much better-looking like this. You being able to put on weight was kinda the point. You don’t look sick right now. You look healthy and masculine. You know me, I love sex, but I’ve never loved sex as much as with you. Both because I love you with everything and because you’re just so goddamned fucking hot.”

  Kevin’s hand roamed over his stomach, pausing at each of the scars.

  Casper knew Kevin was feeling the imperfection of the scars and probably the added weight on his stomach, which the rest of the world just called skin. He hadn’t been able to work out in weeks, and yet he still had a discernable six-pack, and now that his muscles were getting fed once more, even they were getting bigger. As much as he’d read about Kevin’s disorder, he simply couldn’t comprehend what Kevin possibly saw in the mirror that would make him think he was anything less than perfect.

  “I wish I could see what you do.” Kevin gave a forced smile.

  “Sweetie, everyone sees it; it’s not just me. You’re not just beautiful to me because I love you, even though that would be enough.”

  Kevin nodded. “You think she feels like I do?”

  There was no need to ask who the she was. Kevin had spoken often lately about a woman at the gym he figured had the same struggle.

  “I don’t know, babe. Probably. You can always talk to her when you get back to the gym.”

  Kevin grimaced.

  Casper could tell he was about to lose Kevin to the darkness, so he switched the subject. “Were you able to help Annie understand the cruelty of having a girl on a three-thousand-dollar budget try on a gown that costs the same as a small country?”

  “Yeah, I think so.”

  “Ah, that’s good. Those first-world problems are really pressing.”

  That got the response he’d been looking for. Kevin feigned offense and smacked his chest. “And how much are you charging for cake?”

  “Well, that’s food. It nourishes the soul. A wedding dress is just fabric.”

  Kevin rolled his eyes, catching on to Casper’s ploy. Though it seemed to have worked. “Actually, with a couple odd exceptions that will get ironed out, Annie is even better than I’d hoped. She’s helping me with some things to expect since she’s done more retail than I have, obviously.”

  “I’m glad.” Casper readjusted, slipping his arm under Kevin’s head and lowering his lips to his. There was nothing in the bakery that could compare. “We’ve got it pretty great, don’t we?”

  Kevin smiled up at him, eyes bright. “Better than I ever thought it could be.”

  THEY WOKE up early.

  Casper forced Kevin to slow down while Casper made them breakfast. He did it just as much for himself as for Kevin. His heart was pounding so hard, he might need to steal one of Kevin’s Xanax.

  They did a walkthrough of the bakery and dress shop. Everything was perfect. At least as much as it could be.

  “I’m so excited and so terrified. I think I might pass out when the first person walks through the door.”

  Casper couldn’t help but laugh. “I’m going to be upset if that happens and I’m in the bakery. I’m going to have to
ask Annie to record you on her phone all day. Maybe we should attach some bells to your wrist so I’ll hear when you come crashing down.”

  Kevin scrunched up his nose in Casper’s direction. “You’re an ass. But really, what if there’s too many people?”

  “Breathe, baby. Remember, this is just the first day, and we decided to open on a Tuesday so it would be slow and everyone could kinda catch their breaths. By the time we have the Grand Opening, it will all feel like second nature.”

  Kevin gave him a skeptical look.

  “Okay, maybe not second nature, but closer.”

  “Hug me, please.”

  “I like it when you’re bossy.” Casper enfolded Kevin in his arms and felt his own nerves begin to ebb as Kevin did the same for him. “Are we hugging something out that I’m not aware of?”

  “No. Just needed you.” Contentment filled Kevin’s voice, and wasn’t that an ego boost.

  “You got me, love.”

  When they both seemed calmer, they broke the embrace and parted.

  Casper reached out and took Kevin’s hand, needing a touch more assurance of his own. “Wanna open the store together?”

  “Sure, let’s do it.”

  They walked hand in hand toward the front door of the brownstone. An ocean of white beads, silk, and lace behind them. A mountain of cakes, icing, and pastries above them.

  Kevin reached for the locks, then paused, looking back at Casper. “You ready?”

  And there it was. The shot of surety. That trust in fate. The nearly overwhelming power of knowing he was right where he was supposed to be.

  Knowing that they were right where they were supposed to be.

  “Yeah, babe. We got this.”

  KEVIN

  THE EVENING had been perfect. Perfect.

  Well, Rick dropped one of Casper and Charu’s individual wedding cakes on the olive green love seat.

  Devina Malloy was over an hour late due to a delayed flight.

  A little girl had tried on a veil and her younger brother yanked it off her head, ripping the fabric. That, and the invitation to the open house had specifically stated that cocktails would be served. Who brought children to an event serving cocktails?

  And somehow, Brent had showed up. Of all people.

  And it was perfect. The perfect Grand Opening for Bella Dolce. Kevin truly couldn’t be happier. It had been the stuff of his dreams.

  He even allowed himself to have one of the small wedding cakes. And he refused to let himself feel any guilt for it, and it didn’t bring along a torrent of fiery upheaval shortly thereafter either. Maybe Dr. Wynn and Dr. Horn were actually helping.

  As much as Casper had gone on and on about how the place was going to glow, Kevin had to admit, he’d been right. From the gleaming wooden floor to the copper-hued ceiling, the entire shop glowed like the place was dripping with lighted amber. Noelle said it made her feel like Christmas. Kevin could actually see what she meant—although, really, what didn’t make Noelle feel like Christmas?

  Kevin had no doubt about what was to come. The risk and the leap had been worth it. He knew there was no way he could fathom the work he and Casper had in store, but so what? They could handle it. It was better than he’d dreamed, as was the man by his side.

  “So what was your favorite part, Kev?”

  Kevin smiled as he turned toward Casper. “Well, right now, it’s that the family stayed after and helped clean up. It’s like it never happened. Good as new.”

  Casper snorted a laugh. “And here I thought it would have been Devina Malloy telling you she is glad that we are the only ones in Boston carrying her designs.”

  He sighed, the relaxed sensation increasing. “Yeah. That was good too.”

  They stood in the doorway, taking in the beauty of their hard work, each envisioning the dreams that would continue to unfold.

  “Oh.” Kevin glanced back over at Casper. “What was your favorite part?”

  “I thought you’d never ask.” Casper poked him in the side playfully. “My favorite part was watching the servers provide an endless supply of sushi. And since we had it catered, we didn’t break any agreements. I checked.”

  “That was your favorite part?”

  “It was pretty fun.”

  Casper pulled Kevin against him, Kevin’s back against his stomach, and wrapped his arms over Kevin’s chest. “I love you.”

  Kevin couldn’t get his voice to work for a moment. It was all too much. Wonderfully too much.

  He tilted his head back, letting it rest on Casper’s shoulder. “Thank you.”

  Casper squeezed tighter. “Oh, babe, there’s nothing to thank me for.”

  “There’s everything to thank you for.” Kevin squirmed out of Casper’s embrace and turned to look him in the eyes. “Without you rescuing the loan, we wouldn’t be here. I’d still be playing house with Scott, not having any idea what I was missing.” He paused once more, regaining control of his emotions. “Without you, this”—he motioned down to his stomach—“and all that goes along with it, would ruin me.”

  Casper’s own emotions seemed to have gotten the better of him as well, and he pulled Kevin into a kiss.

  As ever, Kevin marveled that the closeness slowed his mind and wrapped him in safety. He never would have thought. Both his nerves and his stomach were at peace, at least for the moment.

  It turned out, real life could be as beautiful as glossy wedding magazines hidden under a bed.

  the cover model, inspiration for the novel, and Brandon’s BFF

  Wow, it’s a very interesting experience being profiled as a key character within a book!

  I think some people could wonder why I’d open myself up to potential criticism around personal flaws and struggles. The answer is easy—none of us are perfect, and why not embrace the opportunity to learn from each other? Now, by no means have I completely defeated my “demons,” whether they be eating disorders or severe anxiety, but I know I’ve learned a lot along the way and continue to learn more from my stumbles.

  In my pursuit for perfection, I wound up wreaking havoc on my body and mental well-being. And I have to tell you, it’s not been worth it. But the lessons have been valuable, and today I try to allow myself more grace, take time for more appreciation of the life I have, and embrace all of the love and support in my world. I’ll continue to stumble, but I’ll always pick myself back up and keep on truckin’.

  I aspire to be even more like Kevin Bivanti in his ability to leave the status and money behind that comes with tireless hours of corporate diligence when my heart is not there. More and more I hear the phrase, “Live the life you love,” and it’s resonating loudly. I’m excited to even consider making that leap where career aspirations are concerned. Life is too short, my friends! I read a quote recently that I particularly love: “Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined.” Here’s to taking the plunge.

  Many thanks to Brandon for finding my life interesting enough to mirror in a novel and for the extra push that I feel in reading this great compilation of words and emotions.

  Onward. Upward. Heartward.

  A FEW years ago, I took a photo of my best friend, the one you see on the cover. Every so often, I’d stare at it as it screamed at me to write a story for it to safely enclose. I know I did an imperfect job, and I know an eating disorder is very different for every single person. However, I hope the more we address it, the more men and women will feel safe to tell their stories and step into the light so they don’t have to struggle alone.

  Kevin—I love you! Thank you for being my bestie. And thank you for being willing to share personal aspects of yourself so that I could turn them into fiction. Thank you for sharing what the struggle is like for you, allowing me to use your dream of owning a wedding dress shop, and giving me a glimpse of what it was like growing up in a large Italian family. You and your mom make the best gravy around. (And Kev’s mom, if you ever read this, you’re a second mom to
me. I love you! Oh, and I love you too, second dad!)

  Elizabeth—Thank you for your initial faith in me. And, now, thank you for making it possible for me to attempt a full-time writing career. I will never be able to adequately repay your kindness.

  Desi—Thank you for keeping me from appearing illiterate. With each book that passes, I grow ever more thankful for an editor that I trust implicitly. I look back at those self-published books before you came into my life. It’s the stuff nightmares are made of.

  Becky—Thank you for being willing to beta, your encouraging nature, and for inspiring the prologue!

  Noelle—Thank you for lending me your name and your personality to be one of Kevin’s moms. I wish everyone in the world had a mother like you. I am blessed to call you friend.

  Cate—Thank you for taking two days and letting me see inside the world of wedding dresses and all the things I never would have considered.

  Trenton—Thank you for helping me on the banking and loan information. I’m glad my little brother is so good with money. I wish some of that would rub off on me. I love you!

  Stephen—I love you! Look at us, leaping and living!

  Boston—Oh, how I fell in love with you. Everyone needs to take a swan boat ride and eat at Tatte Bakery, The Bucher Shop, and Giacomo’s.

  Readers—Thank you for continuing to take a risk and read a Brandon Witt book. I can never say thank you enough! So much love to you!

  Paul—Thank you for turning my bf’s picture into an actual cover. It’s perfect. And the chapter headings you came up with would make Kevin and Casper so very pleased.

  More from Brandon Witt

  The death of his wife four years earlier left Travis Bennett a shell of the man he used to be. With his dog by his side, Travis raises his three children, manages his business, and works as a ranch hand. But every day, every minute, is an aching emptiness.