Everybody Curses, I Swear!

by Carrie Keagan

  But as they say, you never forget your first, so here’s to all the brave and brilliant women and men who were there at the beginning and who went against their better judgment and allowed me to bring some color into their lives. I will never forget.

  THANK YOU: Alan Nierob, Alex Klenert, Alexandra Greenberg, Alice Zou, Alison Branch, Allegra Haddigan, Allison Johnston, Ame Van Iden, Annalee Paulo, April Florentino, Ariana Swan, Arlene Ludwig, Arnold Robinson, Ava DuVernay, Barry Dale Johnson, Bianca Asnaran, Brad Cafarelli, Brooke Blumberg, Carman Knight, Carol Cundiff, Carol Sewell, Carrie Gordon, Catherine Culbert, Charlie Pinto, Cheryl McLean, Chris Libby, Chris Regan, Christine Foy, Christopher Belcher, Cindi Berger, Clay Dollarhide, Corey Scholibo, Dana Gordon, Danielle De Palma, Danielle Misher, Danni Pearlberg, David Mortimer, David Waldman, Deette Kearns, Denise Stires, Dennis Higgins, Doug Neil, Ekta Farrar, Elizabeth Much, Ellene Miles, Emily Lu, Emmy Chang, Evan Fong, Fredell Pogodin, Gail Silverman, Gary Mantoosh, Gina Soliz, Guido Gotz, Harlan Gulko, Heather Forziati, Heather Phillips, Heather L. Weiss, Hilary Hartling, Ian Shive, Jackie Tulk, James Lewis, Jamie Blois, Jan Craft, Jay Waterman, Jeffrey Godsick, Jennifer Allen, Jennifer Lopez, Jennifer McGrath, Jennifer Sandler, John Smith, Justin Simien, Kara Silverman, Karen Fried, Karen Oberman, Karen Sundell, Kari Lipson, Karina Vladimirov, Karl Williams, Kate Piliero, Katrina Wan, Kelly Krause, Kim Lerner, Kristine Ashton-Magnuson, Lauren Robinson, Lea Porteneuve, Lee Ginsberg, Leslie Sloane, Libby Henry, Linda Brown, Lisa Danna, Liz Rosenberg, Loraine Valverde, Lori Burns, Marina Bailey, Mark Pogachefsky, Matthew Labov, Max Buschman, Meghan Gamber, Melissa Holloway, Melissa Kates, Melody Korenbrot, Meredith Judkins, Meredith Lipsky, Meredith O’Sullivan Wasson, Michael Agulnek, Michael Lawson, Michele Robertson, Michelle Margolis, Michelle Rasic, Michelle Rydberg, Michelle Slavich, Nanci Ryder, Natalie Bjelajac, Nathan Marcy, Ngoc Nguyen, Nicole Canizales, Nicole Perez-Krueger, Nicolette Aizenberg, Orna Pickens, Pantea Ghaderi, Pat Shin, Paul Bloch, Paulette Osorio, Rachel McCallister, Rebecca Fisher, Rene Ridinger, Robin Davids, Ryan Stankevich, Samantha Shuman, Sara Hull, Sara Reich, Sara Serlen, Sarah Greenberg, Seanna Hore, Shelby Kimlick, Sonia Freeman, Stacey Leinson, Stephanie Phillips, Steven Wilson, Stuart Gottesman, Tamar Teifeld, Tara Martino, Tej Bhatia Herring, Teni Karapetian, Tim Menke, Vivian Mayer, and Wendy Merry McCarthy.

  Across the board, these women and men were so amazing to me that I had almost put my bullied days in Buffalo behind me. The ladies at 20th Century Fox had offered up my name to host a new Saturday morning show on the Fox Television Network, which I ended up doing for a couple of years. I also started getting hired for a lot of other fun stuff, too. I was in a great place and embracing all these new wonderful opportunities provided to me, so of course, I showed up to everything that came my way with a smile on my face and bells on my toes. I mean, what could go wrong?

  But there are times when all the best intentions in the world can’t save a bad situation. I suppose that it was inevitable that my muchachas would return to the center of controversy. It’s just a damn shame because I had come so far in coming to terms with them. I like to think of my jahoobies as croutons on a salad. They aren’t the focus of the dish, but a good crouton can turn a good salad into a great one. But even after I came to terms with them, that doesn’t mean everyone had, and every now and then in Hollywood, they really work against me.

  There was a period of time early on in my career when I was hired by the TV Guide Network to host their red carpet coverage of all the major awards shows including the Emmys, the Golden Globes, and the Oscars. I loved that gig. It really helped me cut my teeth doing live TV. It was my first real experience on a major cable network and it was the first time I interviewed celebs and cracked jokes live on TV. Clearly they liked what I did professionally because they kept bringing me back, over and over again. Then all of a sudden, one day it stopped. I never questioned it because shit like that happens all of the time in this town, and I just figured someone younger filled my spot. It wasn’t until years later that I learned what had really happened.

  A few years later, I ran into one of the executives who was at the TV Guide Network at the time I was working for them. He was actually one of the people responsible for getting me hired at the network. We ended up hanging out for a while and reminiscing. I could tell something was gnawing at him, and eventually he got around to the elephant in the room and said:

  “I’m really sorry we stopped working together.”

  “Yeah. What‘s the story with that?” I asked.

  To which he responded, “There were a few female executives who were offended by your boobs and made it impossible for me to hire you anymore.”

  My eyes narrowed, my stomach turned, and I felt like I was in high school again. And you know how much I love that feeling.

  “Why didn’t they just tell me to dress differently?”

  “They didn’t want to,” he replied.

  He was apologetic and a little embarrassed. I had a pit in my stomach. I really want to believe that that is not what happened. What’s really fucked up is that I remember, way back when I met everyone, thinking to myself how cool it was that it was a group of women execs and I could feel safe in their hands. How naive I was.

  These kinds of letdowns are the worst. WTF, LADIES?! We’re supposed to look out for each other! Where was the sisterhood of the magical support I had hoped for?! I was bummed, to say the least, but I was lucky and had moved on to other opportunities. What if it were someone else, and she had been stifled in her career with these irresponsible comments? We already get objectified by men; we shouldn’t be doing it to each other. Would these women have been happier if I had gotten breast reduction surgery? Luckily, I knew for every person who was “disgusted” by them there were 745 million people who weren’t.

  It reminds me of the inane chatter about Christina Hendricks and her tits. Not how great her acting is, not what an incredible run she’s had on Mad Men, but her tits. It’s no wonder that some women have a negative reaction to them, because either they don’t have them and are jealous of the attention other women get or they themselves don’t want to be defined by them. It’s crazy. Guys aren’t defined by the size of their nuts. You don’t see guys getting nut enlargement surgery, but women get boob jobs. Why? Because, unfortunately, they’re the first thing a lot of people judge us by.

  Too many women in this town get defined by how they look and their body parts, and I hate that that happens. You can’t see me without seeing them, but by the end of my interviews they aren’t even an issue. My boobs are part of the party. They are natural. They came with the program. Why create an issue?

  Of course, this unfortunate incident ended up being a precursor to the most influential women in my career walking into my life. Beginning with my dear, dear friend, Leah Horwitz. A beautiful, smart, talented, passionate, and remarkable executive with amazing instincts, and one of the kindest people I have ever met. She was the first network executive to seek me out after I appeared in the Los Angeles Times. I was so flattered that a senior talent exec at VH1 wanted to meet with me. Needless to say, we hit it off. (It’s hard not to with Leah; she’s pretty awesome!) In an act of such graciousness and generosity, she introduced me and NGTV to every senior exec at VH1 in New York and Los Angeles. Most of whom turned out to be more really cool women. That started a chain reaction that triggered a seven-year successful working relationship with VH1 and led to my own morning talk show there called Big Morning Buzz Live with yours truly! There is no question in my mind that without her continued faith and unwavering support, none of it would have happened. In my mind she is, undoubtedly, the living embodiment of all the ideals that all women should strive for in this business. She always gives me hope and puts a smile on my face. I owe her so much and I am lucky to be her friend. Thank you, Leah.

  As crazy as some situations were with the complicated women, there was always enough happening with the beautiful ones that in between the head scratching I had reasons to celebrate, too.
The front-page article in The Hollywood Reporter that referred to my interviews as “… eyebrow raising, even by Internet standards,” subsequently launching my career into orbit, was written by a lovely woman named Carly Mayberry. A few months later I was signed to WME by my agent to this day, David Sherman, who I think of as more of a close friend than anything else. He’s stood by me through all the shit and sunshine. And guess how he found me? Thanks to his amazing wife, Danielle De Palma, an executive at Lionsgate, who brought me to his attention. Secure and powerful women will do wonders for themselves and each other. Right around this time, another influential woman came into my life as I was starting to get more notice in the press.

  You know how you can tell the moment you’ve made it in show business? When you’re ripped to shreds on a “Worst Dressed” list. Which, actually, has nothing to do with what you’re wearing and everything to do with whether you’re worth talking about. Unless, of course, you showed up to a red carpet decked out in nothing but Ed Hardy and Von Dutch gear. Then you’re the only thing worth talking about or you’re Jon Gosselin. Anyway, I had reached a point in my career when the tables had turned a bit and suddenly the media was interested in me. I wasn’t “sex tape” famous; I was a more “I have fans in prison” famous. And one of the pinch-me perks of this level of notoriety was being invited to go on talk shows. So I was on cloud nine when I started getting the offers to appear on several shows. And guess what. They were mostly hosted by women. AWESOME!

  Unfortunately, this led to one of my most frustrating professional disappointments, which came at the hands of a female host who was someone I really admired. She was a hilarious ball-buster whom I thought the world of, and being invited on her show was a highlight in my life. I thought we were copacetic. It never felt competitive or awkward. Joking around with her always felt really organic and fluid. I really looked forward to it because she would let me be myself, joke around, and be dirty. I pretty much enjoyed myself as much as a human being could without involving Marshmallow Fluff and kittens.

  But after being invited back over a dozen times, suddenly, the next time I was booked, the whole vibe changed. Where I once was part of the family, I now felt like a stranger. The warm and fuzzy was gone and had been replaced by an awkward discomfort. It was similar to the awkward discomfort Dr. Charlie Shedd’s book The Best Dad Is a Good Lover triggers. Proof positive that focus-grouping the title of a book prior to publication is always a good idea. But, as they say, hindsight is twenty-twenty. Yes, I was a bit sad and confused, but the taping went well and so I thought it could have been a misunderstanding. When it was over, the host and I said our good-byes and everything seemed fine. I left thinking we were good. I was never invited back on the show again.

  It was sad, and having no clue what had happened wasn’t helping. Luckily, I was busy at the time, and moved on to something else. Once again, another couple of years would pass before someone in the know would tell me what happened, and it wasn’t what I’d expected at all. Apparently, the network was seriously looking at me to host a show there and reportedly, she was not having any of it. So it seems she used her significant power at that network to shut me down.

  Here was a chance for a fellow female entertainer to simply reach out her hand and help another female entertainer up the ladder, but instead she kicked the ladder over, threw a hot bucket of shit over the ledge, and walked away. Clearly, she forgot rule #4 of the Sisterhood of the Ladies’ Room:

  1. Always offer a heads-up if there is splatter all over the seat.

  2. Pretend not to hear pee farts.

  3. Never let another woman walk out with a wardrobe malfunction. Even if she’s a stranger.

  4. Always help another woman move up on the show business ladder.

  I sorta get why she did it. I mean, if your life is one big fight, and you don’t know how to stop, you’re gonna hurt a lot of innocent people. But what kind of life is that?

  Again, just as I was starting to sink into this nonsense, it was two other women who showed up to present me with another much bigger opportunity. Thanks to Leah, I’d been steadily working with VH1 for a few years, and the same female execs who I’d come to know really well were looking to launch a morning talk show in New York City. After some phone calls and meetings, I was offered the job, which started one of my life’s greatest adventures. I would move to New York City for the next three years to host my own show, Big Morning Buzz Live with Carrie Keagan from Times Square. Unreal.

  Most importantly, landing Buzz seemed like the ultimate validation. I’d finally figured out who I was and what I was good at, and I felt rewarded. VH1, and the all-female executive team who oversaw the show, obviously believed I was the kind of woman America would enjoy waking up to every morning. When we began, we were shooting it in VH1’s lobby on the twentieth floor, but by the end were in the TRL studio overlooking Times Square. The journey would have more ups and downs than any roller coaster and be filled with complications, craziness, and utter bliss.

  It was a wondrous experience from the get-go. A journey of key moments in time shifting into one another. Getting the offer, I caught my butterflies and took flight. Landing in New York a week before the premiere, I remember feeling I belonged. Entering the Viacom building for the first time, I felt I had greater purpose. Meeting the crew, I felt connected. During rehearsals, I started to realize my world was about to get bigger. New Year’s Eve in the Big Apple, surrounded by all that energy, felt like home. Walking through Times Square in the darkness before dawn with only the gentle snowfall as company was magic. Broadcasting live for two weeks was like swimming in the clouds for an hour every morning. Seeing myself on the Jumbotron in Times Square was an out-of-body experience. Flying back to Los Angeles, I was engulfed by a sense of longing for a future yet to come. Upon entering my apartment, I was filled with enormous gratitude. I would go on to experience a different variation of this for each of the nine seasons we shot the show. But the experience taught me so much more.

  As if that wasn’t enough, in addition to this crazy personal journey I was on, there was something unexpected waiting for me that put my entire career into perspective and put the show on the map. It took everyone at VH1 by surprise. No one saw it coming. Every new talk show lives or dies based on its ability to book big-name guests, and when you’re new, it’s tough as hell because publicists are always on the fence when it comes to booking their big clients on a show that might be canceled tomorrow. They play wait-and-see because nine out of ten shows disappear before anyone even notices they were on the air. Now, I had been building relationships with celebs and their handlers for years, but you really don’t know if these relationships are in your head or real until something like this happens and it’s put to the test. This was the moment of truth, and it blew my fucking mind and the colons of many executives on the show!!

  It was amazing!!! The support that I got for my show from studio reps, publicists, and the celebrities themselves was off the fucking hook. Here I was hosting VH1’s very first morning show ever from the lobby in front of the elevators, of all places. A network that had become known, in those years, for D-list celeb-reality and train-wreck TV shows and had not had a talk show on it for ten years—so there was no real bridge to the talent community outside of music. We were seriously outnumbered and desperately outgunned. Sounds like a fair fight to me!!

  So what happened? Well, my dear friend Rick Krim’s team (Rick was the head of all things music at VH1, at the time) and my team formed the “Legion of Straight-up Motherfuckers” with one mission: Book the shit out of the show! Lucky for me, right under Rick was my constant savior, Leah. Music was handled! Kourosh and I took on the movie and TV talent and reached out to all our friends in the business to come on the show. Typically, it can be a bit of a territorial mess behind the scenes, but here we all knew if the show couldn’t book, there would be no show, so everybody did what they had to do. And sure enough, starting from the two-week trial run and into the subs
equent first season, we launched a motherfucker of a show that we were all proud of—a pattern that continued on the show all the way through all nine seasons.

  And you know what? When we asked our friends in the biz, they fucking came! So many big names came on the show, even during the two-week trial run, that the network wasn’t even promoting because they were so afraid it was going to fail. But our friends just kept rolling in their clients, and people’s heads at the network were spinning in disbelief. Everything behind the scenes was a learning curve, which was perfectly normal for a new show. So everyone was in the fight. But it wasn’t all “Go get ’em, tiger!” On the opposite side of the spectrum, I sensed that the show’s day-to-day in-house PR team were straight-up nonbelievers and were not prepared for success, nor were they courting it. I think they were planning on taking it easy during what they assumed would be a quick death. Instead, they found themselves unable to keep up with the show’s momentum and spun out as the show pushed forward.

  Concerned that they were helplessly outclassed by the daunting task of working a talk show, I brought on my own PR team, led by my ingenious publicist Lauren Auslander, to make sure we were firing on all cylinders. I don’t know what I would do without her. The show meant everything to me, but for the in-house PR team, it was one of thirty shows. I never cared for those odds. Boy, were they surprised that despite their best efforts to keep a lid on the show, my amazing PR team blew it wide open. Getting this beautiful unicorn of a woman on my team was the best thing I ever did! There were more than a hundred people working on the show, just giving it everything they had. And don’t kid yourself; it’s a fucking grind when you’re producing five shows a week at the level they were. I am so proud of the creative heroics of our entire crew. I would gladly be a bottom bitch for any one of those brilliant and fearless motherfuckers. The lesson here is that you get, maybe, a couple of chances in your life to do something great, so don’t let lazy uninspired people and their rubbish drag you down. First, say please, and if they continue to wear their asses as a hat, then steamroll the fuck out of them and work with people that inspire you.