"Cliché or not, we can still be friends, at least until you find someone else and he tells you we can't be friends anymore."
I smile at him. "Or until you find someone. You'll probably find someone before I do."
"Probably not. I work so much I don't have time to go out and meet people."
We're quiet for a moment and all I can think about is Dylan. Whenever I imagine myself with someone else, it's always him.
"Can I ask you for some advice?" I shouldn't tell him this but the fact that I want to just shows how much I value his friendship and his opinion.
"Sure. Go ahead."
I realize how insensitive it would be for me to bring this up now, after just breaking up with him, so I say, "Forget it. It's not the right time."
"Amber, just say it. We're friends, remember?"
"I know, but I feel like it's the wrong time to bring this up."
"Is this about some other guy?" he asks cautiously.
"Yes," I say with a sigh.
He sits back. "Go ahead. I'm all ears. But if I ever meet another girl, you owe me girl advice." He laughs a little.
"Deal."
Matt's such a nice person. I wish it could've worked out between us.
"So do I know this guy?" he asks.
"Um, kind of. He came to your suit store."
"You mean Dylan?" Matt asks, as if it's the first person he thought of.
"Yeah, how'd you know?"
He shrugs. "It was just a guess. I hate to admit this but when I met him, I kind of thought you two would make a good match."
"Why?"
"I can't really explain it. It was more of a feeling. Like when I was talking to him, he kind of reminded me of you."
"How so?"
"He's intense but also laid back. Does make that sense?"
"Yeah. I'm intense about things I'm passionate about and laid back about the stuff that doesn't really matter."
"Exactly. Dylan's the same way. When he talks about his music he's intense, but ask him about a suit and he doesn't really care. He told me to pick whatever I thought was best."
"Why didn't you ever tell me that?"
"Because I didn't want him stealing my girl." He looks down, then back up. "I know he's friends with Austin and Amber so I wondered if maybe you and him had hung out sometime."
"No. Never. Matt, I never cheated on you. I didn't even consider it. I hope you didn't think I—"
"I didn't think you did anything with him. I just thought maybe you'd hung out with him."
I shake my head. "I haven't. Not since before I met you."
"So before you met me...did you two date?"
"No. We um...we spent a night together. It happened at a party last May. Looking back, I can't believe I did that. It's completely unlike me, but I did, and it turned out to be..." I pause. "I shouldn't be talking to you about this. I'm sorry, Matt. Just forget I even said it."
"Amber, I can't give you advice if you don't tell me anything."
"I know, but this is weird. Talking about some other guy with you? It seems wrong."
"Eventually you'll have to talk about some other girl with me, so then we'll be even." He smiles and nudges my arm. "Come on. Tell me what happened. You spent a night together and then what?"
"I panicked. That night was so great that I wanted to keep it as it was. A perfect night that I would remember forever. So I snuck out the next morning and never talked to him again."
"You didn't leave a phone number?"
"No. And I never gave him my last name. I told him I didn't want more than that night."
"Is that what he wanted too?"
"No. He wanted to keep seeing me but I told him I was moving to New York the next day. Like I said, I totally panicked. I didn't want anything to ruin that night."
"I don't get it. How would dating him ruin that night?"
"I was worried that if I dated him and it didn't work out, that the night we had together would've changed. I wouldn't remember it the same. I know that may sound totally stupid and completely irrational but there's this part of me that wants to believe in things like fate and destiny and true love. I know none of that probably exists in real life but I swear, that night, I felt it. I felt like all those things existed for those few brief hours and I didn't want to do anything that would take those feelings away. So I left."
"Why do you think that stuff doesn't exist? If you felt it that night, then there's your proof that it does exist."
"That night wasn't real. I don't know what was going on but I knew it would never happen again, which is why I wanted to preserve it as this perfect memory that I could keep forever. Untarnished by any other memories I had of Dylan. That's why I never talked to him again."
"And now you miss him."
I sigh, dropping my head in my hands. "Yes. Which doesn't make sense because I don't even know him. I mean, I know him through what Kira and Austin tell me but I don't personally know him."
Kira started dating Austin not long after she met him that night at the bar. Since he's good friends with Dylan, I made her promise not to tell Austin about Dylan and me. I still didn't want him knowing I was in town, Besides, I assumed he'd forgotten all about me. But then later I found out he'd written me a song. Kira was at a bar to hear Austin play and Dylan sang One Night. It's a song about the night we spent together. Kira found the song online and played it for me and that's when I realized Dylan felt the same way about me as I did about him. I've listened to that song a million times since then, and it brings tears to my eyes every time.
"Do you think he misses you too?" Matt asks.
I nod. "He wrote me a song, and in the lyrics, he said he wants to see me again."
"So what's stopping you?"
"Well, for one, he has a girlfriend."
"Are they serious?"
"I'm not sure but I know they've been dating for a while."
"What else is stopping you?"
"If I decide to contact him, I want to take things slow. I don't want to rush into anything, but I don't know if he'd be willing to do that."
"By slow, what do you mean?"
"I want romance. Gestures. Phone calls. Letters."
"Letters? Like handwritten letters?"
I laugh. "I know it sounds ridiculous but if Dylan really is the guy I'm supposed to be with and that night we had together really was fate or destiny, then this is the story I want for us. The slow build. The type of romance you read about in books or see in movies. I'm not sure it exists, but my whole life I've dreamed it was possible and I feel like this is my only chance to test if it's true. I've never felt this way about someone." I cringe. "Sorry, I shouldn't have said that."
"Don't worry about it. Like I said, I knew there was something missing in our relationship. And now I know what it was. You didn't feel that spark, that connection, with me, that you felt with Dylan. Don't feel bad about that, Amber. You can't force yourself to feel something that isn't there, so don't feel guilty about it."
"I still feel guilty," I say, looking down. "We were together for months. I shouldn't have waited this long to tell you how I felt but I really was trying to feel differently. I thought if I just gave it more time."
"So what are you going to do about Dylan?"
"I'm not sure. That's why I wanted your advice. But asking you this is so inappropriate I can't believe I even considered it. I'm sorry, Matt."
"Stop apologizing." He nudges my leg. "We're friends, right? So this is my advice."
I look up at him. "Yeah?"
"I think you should go to Dylan and tell him how you feel."
"I'm too embarrassed, and ashamed for running off like that."
"Then write him a letter."
"I've thought about doing that but I'm worried I'll scare him off."
"Why would that scare him off?"
"Because that night we were together, I told him I'd write letters to the man I loved."
"So by writing him a letter, you're telling him you
love him?"
"Well, not really, but he could interpret it that way."
"Do you love him?"
I laugh. "I met him one night. You can't fall in love that fast."
"Love at first sight?" His mouth curves up. "I haven't experienced it myself but I've heard it can happen."
I'm not going to admit it to Matt, but I did feel like that's what happened with Dylan. Like it was love at first sight. Why else would I have felt so strongly about him? And continued to feel that way even now, all these months later?
"There's another reason why I'm afraid to contact him," I say.
"What is it?"
"I lied to him. He didn't know I was here in Chicago. Until just recently, he thought I was living in New York."
"Kira didn't tell him you're her roommate?"
"I told her not to. And I asked her not to tell Austin either."
"So Austin had no idea you're the same Amber that Dylan was with that night?"
"No, but he found out a couple weeks ago. Austin came over to see Kira after she hurt her leg. She was asleep in her room so Austin and I hung out in the living room, talking. I thanked him for not telling Dylan about me, assuming Kira told him. The two of them are so close that I thought for sure she'd told him who I was, but it turns out she hadn't. As soon as Austin found out, he went and told Dylan."
"And Dylan didn't call you after that? Or try to see you?"
"No. Why would he? After what I did, I'm sure he wants nothing to do with me. Besides, he has a girlfriend now."
"Did Austin say Dylan was mad at you?"
"No, but I'm sure he is. He has every right to be. I knew he was looking for me and I never even tried to contact him. Now that he knows the truth, I want to talk to him and at least apologize, but I'm afraid he won't even listen to me."
"Do you want to see him again?"
"I've wanted to see him ever since I found out he was looking for me. I just haven't been able to make myself do it. Plus, I was with you, and I really was trying to make it work between us."
"I know you were," he says in a kind, understanding tone. "But you can't force what's not there."
I nod again.
"Amber, if you really think this guy might be the one, you have to take the risk. Even if you're afraid, even if you think he'll reject you, you have to at least try. If you don't, you'll always regret it."
He's right. I can't keep putting this off. I'm almost a hundred percent certain Dylan wants nothing to do with me, but we both need some kind of closure, or maybe just I do. Dylan's with someone else now, and he's probably happy with her, happy to no longer be looking for the girl who lied to him and left him with no answers. I'd like to think Dylan still has feelings for me, but Austin told Kira that Dylan didn't have much of a reaction when he found out I've been here in town the whole time. And as I told Matt, Dylan hasn't tried to contact me. That tells me he's moved on. He wants nothing to do with me.
But I still want to talk to him. Tell him I'm sorry. Tell him I never wanted to hurt him.
I want to tell him even more than that. I want to tell him how I feel and how that night was the best night of my life. Even if he never wants to see me again, I want him to know how much that night meant to me. How it changed me, and made me believe that maybe fate and true love really do exist, even if just for a fleeting moment.
Since that night, I've wondered if maybe it could be more than just a fleeting moment. What if that night...and all those feelings I felt...were real? What if Dylan really is the guy for me? What if it actually worked out between us?
There's this part of me that wants to find out. It's that part of me that was there that night, telling me to go with my gut and be with Dylan. It's still there, nagging at me to see if there could be more than a night between us.
I have to find out. I can't keep wondering.
So I guess I'm going to do this. But if I'm doing it, I'm going all out. If Dylan really is the guy for me, and that night wasn't just some strange cosmic force making us feel that way, then let the universe prove it.
I want the love story. The romance. Old-fashioned romance with letters and gestures. If Dylan doesn't go along with it, then I'll know it was never meant to be.
"What do you think?" Matt asks. "Did you make a decision?"
"Yeah." I take a deep breath and let it out. "I'm going to write him a letter."
Chapter Eight
Dylan
"I'm gonna grab a beer. You sure you don't want anything?" I ask, but both Kira and Austin are too busy making out on my couch to notice.
"No, we need to get going," Austin says as I walk past him.
From the kitchen I can hear Kira quietly talking to Austin. I know she's talking about me. She's been worried about me ever since Austin told me Amber has been in town this whole time, living with Kira. When I found out, I could've been mad at Kira but I understand why she kept it from me. She was just being a friend to Amber, who asked her not to tell me.
Austin didn't know about Amber until the night that he told me. It was a few weeks ago on a Friday night. Van and I were hanging out on the couch, watching a movie and drinking beer. Austin called and said he was on his way over. He sounded really upset. Turns out he'd had a huge fight with Kira. When he got to the house, he told us all about it. There were a lot of reasons why they were fighting but I didn't think they involved me until he looked directly at me and said, "She didn't tell me something. Something she should've told me as soon as she found out you and I are friends. And definitely after she heard your song."
"What does his song have to do with it?" Van asked.
Austin's eyes locked on mine. "Kira's roommate, and best friend, is Amber."
The room went silent. I was sure I'd heard him wrong. There was no way Amber was Kira's roommate. No freaking way. But Austin wouldn't lie about that. He knows how hard I tried to find her. All the hours I spent searching for her online. He wouldn't tell me he'd found her unless he had.
Van had no clue what was going on, his eyes moving between Austin and me. "I don't get it. We already know her friend's name is Amber. You've talked about her."
"He means MY Amber," I muttered, setting my beer bottle down on the coffee table.
"No shit?" Van jumped to the edge of the couch, spilling some of his beer. "Her roommate is THE Amber? I thought she moved to New York."
"It was a lie," Austin said. "Amber told Dylan she was moving to New York because she didn't want him to try to go out with her."
"Why?" I said under my breath, talking more to myself than to Austin. "Why wouldn't she want to go out with me? I thought we..."
I didn't finish my thought, but in my head, my thoughts were circling, wondering why she would do this. That night we shared...it was perfect. Why wouldn't she want to see me again?
"Van, can you give us a minute?" I heard Austin say.
"But I want to hear this."
"Then Dylan can tell you later."
I glanced at Van. "Go."
"I thought we were friends."
"We are," Austin said, "but sometimes your comments aren't very helpful."
"Whatever." He took his beer and went in the kitchen.
I felt bad telling Van to leave but he tends to make a joke out of everything and I wasn't in the mood. Not in the least. I was pissed. Confused. Shocked.
"So Kira just told you this?" I asked. "Why now?"
"Kira didn't tell me. Amber did. Amber thought I already knew and when she found out I didn't, she'd already said too much. So she told me."
"And she said she never wanted to see me again?" I leaned forward and stared at the floor, trying to filter through all the thoughts going through my head. "So that night meant nothing to her. It was just a one-night stand. And she must've hated it if she made up some elaborate story to make sure she'd never have to talk to me again."
"No. Dylan, that's not it at all. It's the opposite. I know this sounds crazy and I still don't understand it, but Amber told me she didn't
want to see you again because she didn't want to ruin the memory of that night. She didn't want to date you, then have it not work out, and have it change how she remembers that night. Like I said, I don't understand it. Those were her words, not mine."
"What did she say about that night?"
"That it was the best night of her life."
I was so shocked by his answer that I dropped the beer bottle I was holding. "She really said that?"
"Those were her exact words."
"Then why did she leave? Why did she make up that story? You're saying she's been living here in Chicago this whole time?"
"Yeah. She lived here all last summer."
"And you said she's a junior?"
"Yeah, but she's almost a senior because she takes summer classes. She grew up in Michigan with Kira. They were both gymnasts until Amber got into cheerleading in high school and quit gymnastics. I told you all this, right?"
"Everything but the gymnastics and cheerleading. I didn't know she did that stuff. Makes sense. She had a killer body." I rubbed my head because it was aching from trying to figure this out. "Why couldn't she just tell me this? I mean, I don't understand the whole ruining a memory thing, but she still could've told me that. At least it would've been an explanation and I wouldn't have had to spend months searching for her."
"I told her all that. For what it's worth, she said she never meant to hurt you. She assumed you'd forgotten all about that night, until she heard your song. When she heard it, she still didn't want to talk to you. She was dating someone else. She's still dating him, but I don't know why. The two of them have zero chemistry. You know, maybe that's why she's dating him. Maybe she's purposely dating someone she has no chemistry with because it keeps her from getting too close to him."
"Why wouldn't she want to get close to him?"
"Because she's still hung up on you. I could tell by the way she talked about you. Maybe she's dating a guy like Matt because she's not ready to give her heart to someone else. She's not ready to let you go."
"There's nothing to let go. We're not together."
I don't remember what Austin said after that. My mind kept tuning in and out. But before he left, he asked me a question. A question I've thought about a lot the past two weeks.
One Night Page 7
