One Night

by Allie Everhart

  "How was it?" Leah grins. "The sex?"

  "Good. And that's all I'm saying. I'm not telling you guys any more than that. It's private."

  "Do you love him?" Britt asks.

  I hesitate. "It's too soon to say."

  "You've dated him for over a month," she says. "Wouldn't you know by now?"

  I do know, but I'm not ready to admit it. And now, after finding out my parents are divorcing, I'm not even sure what love is. Maybe what I feel for Dylan isn't love, and if it is, I have zero faith it will last. We're too young. We haven't figured out what we want in life. We haven't known each other long enough.

  I could come up with a million reasons why it can't be love that I feel for Dylan. And yet deep down, I know that it is.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Amber

  "When I'm in love, I'll let you know," I tell them. "Now let's get out of here and go to the movies."

  When we get there, we all agree romance movies of any kind are banned. The last thing we want to do is watch a story about some happy couple, then go home to parents who hate each other. But what I didn't realize until today is that it's surprisingly hard to find movies that don't involve some kind of love story. Action films, sci-fi, comedies. Almost all genres of movies include a love story. That left us choosing a cartoon, but then halfway through the movie the damn duck ends up falling in love. So you can't even escape love in a cartoon!

  Later that night, I call Dylan. He left me messages all day but I didn't want to call him back when I was in a bad mood and feeling down on love. Unfortunately, I still feel that way but I can't avoid him forever.

  "Hey," I say when he answers. "I'm sorry I took so long to get back to you."

  "Don't worry about it. I know you got a lot going on. So how are you doing?"

  "Not great. My dad took off earlier today and hasn't come back. I guess he's staying at his apartment. My sisters and I went to a movie and when we got home my mom was asleep in her room. I think she's depressed. We all are."

  "God, I'm so sorry. You sure you don't want me to drive out there?"

  "Dylan, that's sweet, but no. I need to spend time with my sisters. Britt's really struggling. I need to give her all my attention right now."

  "I understand." He pauses. "I miss you."

  "I miss you too."

  I miss him so much it scares me. For years, I wanted to feel this way. To feel this deep connection with someone and want to be with him all the time. But now? I don't know what I want. I definitely don't want to go through what my mom is going through right now. Alone and sad and locked away in her room, probably crying herself to sleep. And my dad? Who knows what he's doing or how he's feeling. He hides his emotions but I know he, too, must be suffering.

  When I was younger, I remember my dad coming home with little gifts for my mom. Sometimes it was flowers. Sometimes a box of candy. Once it was a purse that she really wanted but didn't buy because she thought it was too expensive. My dad surprised her with it for no reason at all. It wasn't a birthday or anniversary. He just wanted to make her happy. So how do they go from that to where they are now?

  I could imagine Dylan doing all those things for me. Bringing me flowers and candy and buying me special gifts. In fact, he's already sent me flowers, several times, saying it was one of his romantic gestures. And he still writes me letters. Sweet, funny, beautiful letters that I keep tucked away in a shoebox and read over and over again.

  He hasn't said it yet, but I think he loves me. Just like I love him. That should make me happy but instead it makes me panicked, thinking this happy state we're in now is the peak of our relationship and will soon begin a slow gradual decline until we fall out of love. Or maybe the decline won't begin right away. Maybe we'll keep dating and eventually move in together and then it will happen, and it'll happen so gradually that we won't even recognize it and be able to stop it.

  I feel like that's what happened with my parents. Their love for each other just gradually went away without them even noticing. And now it's gone. Completely gone.

  I hear Dylan's voice again. "Do you want to talk about this or are you sick of it? Because we can talk about something else."

  "Something else. Please."

  He knows me so well. He knows when I'm happy or sad or stressed or tired and he reacts accordingly, knowing what I need. It's like he could sense I was all talked out when it came to my parents and that I needed a break.

  "So after Christmas dinner," Dylan says, "I suggested we go to a movie. Gramps didn't want to go but we made him. My mom insisted we see a family movie because she doesn't like my brother hearing curse words even though he hears them all the time at school. Anyway, we ended up seeing a cartoon."

  I laugh. "We saw that one too. The one with the duck?"

  "Yeah. The duck who fell in love with the rabbit. Cross-species romance. Very taboo in the animal kingdom. I told my mom that was way worse than a few curse words."

  I laugh again. Only Dylan could make me laugh when I'm feeling so sad and depressed.

  "And then," he continues, "near the end of the movie, Gramps had a coughing fit. He wouldn't stop so we had to get up and leave. My mom was freaking out, thinking Gramps was really sick or choking or something, but then we found out he was sucking on an atomic fireball."

  "The candy?"

  "Yeah, my brother got some in his Christmas stocking. He loves those things. Anyway, Gramps thought they were just cherry-flavored candies so he stuck a few in his pocket and started eating one during the show. It was so hot he had to spit it out but the fiery aftereffects had him coughing so hard he couldn't stop."

  "He's never eaten a fireball?"

  "Guess not. He's diabetic so he's not supposed to have candy but he always cheats and steals candy from people at the retirement home. Anyway, going back to the movie, the coughing isn't even the worst part."

  "What else happened?"

  "Gramps was coughing so hard, he couldn't control his bodily functions."

  "He wet his pants?"

  "No. He farted, each time he coughed. God, it was so embarrassing. He was letting them rip as we were leaving the theater and everyone was staring at us."

  Imagining this has me laughing so hard my stomach hurts. "Oh my God, that's hilarious."

  "Not for the poor people he had to walk in front of to get out of our aisle. They got it right in the face."

  "Please, stop," I say as I laugh. "I'm getting a side cramp from laughing so hard."

  "Just a typical outing with the Mickelson family."

  "That's classic. I love your family."

  "Well, if you ever become one of us, at least now you'll know what to expect. You can't say I didn't warn you."

  Become one of us? What is he saying? That we might get married someday? That's the only way I'd ever be part of his family.

  I'm not ready to even think about marriage, especially now. In fact, I'm thinking I might never get married. What's the point? It only leads to heartache and disappointment and divorce.

  "Dylan, I should go. It's late and I'm tired. Can I call you tomorrow?"

  "You can call me whenever you want, day or night. You know that."

  "Okay, then I'll talk to you tomorrow. Have a good night."

  "Yeah, goodnight."

  My tone turned cold at the end there. I didn't mean for it too but I started panicking when he hinted at marriage. Maybe I need to slow this down. Dylan and I are getting too serious, too fast. Even if I love him, I'm not ready to make any kind of commitment, especially after today, witnessing the end of my parents' marriage. Right now I feel like I may never be able to commit to anyone, which means I owe it to Dylan to at least slow things down until I can figure out what I want.

  ***

  Over the next few days, my sisters and I busy ourselves with movies and shopping, anything to get us out of the house. Now that we know about the divorce, my dad's been packing up his stuff and my sisters and I don't want to be there to witness it. He has this we
ek off, but my mom had to work, or maybe she chose to so she wouldn't have to be at home.

  I've been talking to Dylan every day. It's the highlight of my day. He always finds a way to make me laugh. And he's been keeping me updated on the hospital fundraiser, which was last night. Since he's there in town, he kept working on it this week while I was gone. I'm calling him now to see how it went.

  "Hey, it's me," I say when he answers. It's noon on Sunday and I wasn't sure if he'd be awake yet. I assumed he had a late night helping clean up after the event.

  "Hey, you." I hear the smile in his voice. "How's it going?"

  "The same. Not much new here. So how was the event last night?"

  "Great! They raised a lot of money on the silent auction. I don't remember the exact amount but it was more than they thought they'd get."

  "Did you dance?" I ask kiddingly, knowing he wouldn't dance without me there.

  "And who would I dance with? My girlfriend's in Michigan."

  "You still could've danced with someone. Like maybe Mary?"

  He laughs. "Yeah, that'll be the day. She'd probably break my foot with those big clumpy shoes she wears."

  "Did you see her there?"

  "Yeah, but she didn't talk to me. But I talked to one of the former interns who was there. When I asked him about Mary, he told me she's like that with everyone. She's just a cranky old lady who can't mind her own business."

  "So it's not just us. That's good to know."

  "Liza was there. She was with that doctor."

  "Oh yeah? Before I left, she told me he'd asked her to the event but she hadn't agreed to it yet."

  "I wish you'd been there. I know you couldn't, but I still missed having you with me. You still heading home next Sunday?"

  "Yeah, unless Britt decides she needs me to stay longer."

  "How's she doing?"

  "About the same. I think she'll feel better once she's back in school with her friends. That'll help take her mind off of things."

  "And how are you doing?" He asks because I've avoided talking about the divorce. I change the subject whenever the topic comes up.

  "I'm doing okay."

  "Amber, you know you can talk to me so why won't you?"

  "I'm just not ready to. I never thought I'd feel this way if they broke up. I never thought I'd feel this sad. I always thought I'd be relieved, maybe even happy, because I'd no longer have to listen to them fight. But now it's almost worse because my parents won't even talk to each other. They walk past each other and won't even look at each other."

  "I guess that's just their way of dealing with it."

  "I guess. It's just weird." I sigh. "I don't want to talk about it. It's depressing. Talk about something else. Any new Grandpa stories?"

  "He stole a candy bar at the retirement home. They called my dad. Made him come there and talk to the administrator about Gramps' candy theft problem. My dad said it was like he was being called into the principal's office. He said he got lectured to keep his father in line."

  I laugh. "I don't think that's possible. Gramps seems like a free spirit."

  "He is. He doesn't listen to anyone. Never has."

  Dylan continues to tell me more stories and we stay on the phone for an hour. Afterward, I go to the kitchen to get a drink and find my mom sitting at the table with her laptop.

  "What are you doing?" I ask, sitting across from her.

  "Just looking some things up." She closes her laptop. "So how are you feeling?"

  I shrug. "Not great, but I'm more worried about you. How are you feeling?"

  "I'm not feeling much of anything, other than sadness for you girls. I've known this was coming so I've already been through the sadness and anger and loss and everything else you feel when a marriage ends. In some ways I'm relieved it's ending because I'm so tired of fighting with your father."

  I look down, then back up at my mom. "Can I ask you something? And I really need an honest answer."

  "Go ahead."

  "What happened to you and Dad? How did you get to this point?"

  "We grew apart. Became different people."

  "But you loved each other. Can't love survive those things?"

  "Not always. People change and sometimes that means they fall out of love."

  "How can you fall out of love? That doesn't even make sense to me. If you're really in love, how does it just go away? How do you just turn your feelings off like that?"

  "It doesn't happen all at once. It happens gradually, over time. Sometimes you don't even notice it's happened until it's too late."

  I hesitate, my eyes dropping to the table. "Did I help cause it?"

  My mom touches my arm. "Honey, how could you possibly cause it?"

  "Because of gymnastics." My eyes lift to hers. "When I got really good, it took up all your time. And Dad's. And it was around that time that you guys started fighting."

  "Amber, that had nothing to do with you. Did you really think it did?"

  I nod and quietly say, "It's one of the reasons I quit."

  "Oh, honey." She squeezes my hand. "I wish you'd talked to me before you did that. Your father and I thought you were just tired of it. You told us it was taking up too much of your time."

  "It did, but it was also taking time from you and Dad. I thought maybe that's why you guys grew apart."

  She sighs. "No. That wasn't it."

  "Then what was it?"

  "It was a lot of things. There wasn't a specific event that started it. Like I said, it was gradual. Your father and I both started working more. Our jobs became more demanding and we got tired and didn't have the time or energy to talk at night or go on dates or do anything other than sleep. Eventually we lost the connection we once had and started getting on each other's nerves. We were stressed and taking it out on each other, and once it started, it just kept getting worse. We got angry and resentful, and when that happens, it's hard to go back to a loving relationship."

  "But you loved him a long time ago, right? I mean, when you first got married?"

  She smiles. "I was so in love I couldn't think straight. I didn't know love like that existed until I met him."

  "Was it love at first sight?" I ask, because I want to know if such a thing even exists.

  "Your father said it was," she says with a smile, "but I'm not sure if I believe him."

  "You don't believe in love at first sight?"

  "Not really. I believe you can instantly feel something for someone, a familiarity, a connection. But I don't think it's love."

  So maybe what Dylan and I felt last May wasn't love. Although we've never admitted it, I know we both felt like it might be. But it was probably like my mom said. A connection. A familiarity. Not love.

  "But it wasn't long before we fell in love," she says. "And once we did, we spent every minute together." A distant, longing look comes over her face, as if she's wishing she were back in that time. Back when she loved my father. "We couldn't stand to be apart. I loved everything about him. And when we got married, I was so happy. It was a dream come true. I found my prince and we were going to live happily ever after." The longing look is replaced by sadness, regret. "And then life happened and we grew apart." She rubs my hand. "But at least we have you girls."

  Her prince. Her happily ever after. She sounds just like me. Just last week, before I found out about the divorce, I was hoping Dylan was my prince and that maybe we'd have a happily ever after. But there's no such thing. If there were, my parents wouldn't have fallen out of love and ended up at the place they're at now.

  I stand up. "I'm going to go to my room."

  "You all right?" my mom asks.

  "Yeah, I'm just tired."

  "Okay, honey." She opens her laptop. "Anytime you want to talk, I'm here."

  Back in my room, Kira calls. "Hey, can I come over?"

  "Sure. Like right now?"

  "Yeah. My brothers are driving me crazy. I'll be over in a minute."

  When she arrives, she plops down on
the chair next to my desk. "I love my brothers but I've about reached my limit with them. It's time to go back to school."

  "I know what you mean. Once you go away to college, it's hard to go back and live at home. And the longer you're away, the harder it gets."

  "Especially when you have a boyfriend." She sighs. "God, I miss Austin so much. I'm counting the days until I can see him again. I'm sure you feel the same way about Dylan."

  I'm quiet as I pretend to smooth the comforter on my bed.

  "Amber." Kira waits until I look at her. "You miss Dylan, right?"

  "Yeah. Of course." I fake a smile.

  She sits up straight. "What's going on? Did you guys have a fight?"

  "No. Everything's great."

  "Then what's the problem?"

  "There's no problem. We're fine."

  "Amber, I can tell when you're lying. So fess up."

  I scoot to the end of the bed, dangling my feet off the side. "There's no such thing as fairy tales."

  She looks confused. "Um, yeah. I kind of already knew that. What are you getting at?"

  "There's no happily ever afters either." I circle my foot on the floor, my eyes following the movement. "And love is a joke. A cruel stupid joke meant to trick people into buying flowers and candy and engagement rings."

  "Amber, just because your parents are divorcing doesn't mean love doesn't exist. I know you're upset but you've gotta stop thinking that way. It's not you. You're the most romantic person I know, with your love of old-fashioned romance. Romantic movies. Dating shows. Love letters. Love songs."

  "Yeah, and it's shit. It's all lies. Love is temporary and when it goes away, you're left with a broken heart, anger, and resentment."

  "That only happens to some people. Not everyone. My parents aren't like that. They still love each other."

  I look at her. "When's the last time your parents went on a date? Or held hands? Or did something nice for each other?"

  She shrugs. "Okay, fine, so they're not super romantic but they still love each other. If they didn't, they wouldn't be together."

  "I'm not trying to pick on your parents. I'm just saying that love fades and eventually goes away. So why bother?"

  "What are you saying? You're breaking up with Dylan?"