Love and Other Secrets

by Christina Mandelski

  I wonder if he’s got a little bit of Love Guru in him, too.

  Chapter Thirty-Eight

  Bailey

  Java Infusion has been dead all afternoon, which is giving me way too much time to think. I try to stay busy. I clean out the pastry case. I wipe down the counters until they gleam. I move and clean under all the syrup bottles. It doesn’t help. My brain won’t quit and won’t let me stop thinking about him.

  I think about what Eli said when he came through my line at the store. He said Alex is clueless. He said that I “got to him.”

  Then Caleb, yesterday, telling me that Alex is interested in me as more than a friend.

  But none of it matters, even if it’s true. Neither of those guys were there when I told Alex that I didn’t want to be friends anymore. I told him to go back to his people.

  Shit, did I really say that?

  I slap a chocolate croissant on the tray in the pastry case. Facts are facts: Alex and I knew each other for a few months. Now I’m a blip on his radar, about to disappear.

  It’s all right. I’m busy. He’s going to college at the end of the summer. I don’t need him in my life, and he probably doesn’t need me in his. There. Problem solved.

  Finally, we get some customers, and before long, we’re swamped, which is good. I can focus on something other than Alex.

  I do my thing, take orders, brew, foam, repeat. I do this for a few hours, until I look up and see Mr. and Mrs. Koviak walking toward the counter. I don’t want to help them. I want to call for Jax to take my place, but of course he’s gone into the back the second he can get away. He must not have gotten a second date because his good mood is gone. Now the porn calls.

  Mrs. Koviak sees me, and her mouth spreads in that huge smile. I bet that smile is why they’re so rich. I can totally picture her going all over the world, flashing those perfect white teeth and talking in that soft-spoken voice to convince people to give her all the money.

  I totally see where Alex gets his charm.

  “Bailey?” she says. “Hi! I forgot you worked here.”

  I smile back, but my stomach is churning. “Hi.”

  “How are you doing?” She taps her husband’s arm. “You remember Bailey, honey?”

  “Yes, yes, I do. It’s good to see you again.”

  He has a nice smile, too, and they’re both good looking and perfect, like their son. He only seems that way, though. I’m pretty sure, anyway.

  “Yeah, me, too, to see you…again.” I don’t know what I just said, and I don’t know why they’re making me nervous. “Can I get you something?”

  “Yes!” she says. “We’re here to celebrate. We just won the game. We’re going to districts!”

  “What?” They went to the game? That’s a first.

  “The team. Lacrosse,” Mrs. Koviak says. “They won! Alex scored two points. He looked great out there. Oh.” She leans forward. “I’m sure he’d have contacted you, but you know we took away his phone. Sorry you have to be affected by the grounding, but it’s his own fault.”

  Okay. I can’t force this smile anymore or my face will crack. They don’t know that we’re no longer friends or that I don’t know he’s grounded.

  “Yeah.” I chuckle, as if to say, That crazy Alex! “What can I get for you?”

  She’s looking at the menu above my head, and I catch his dad looking at me funny, almost suspiciously. “I’ll have a dark roast, room for cream,” he says.

  “Sure.” I wonder what he’s thinking. Maybe I’m being paranoid.

  “Were you at the party?” he asks.

  “Me?” I laugh. “No. Not me. You need any help, Mrs. Koviak?” I ask. She’s staring at the menu like I stare at the open refrigerator.

  “Oh, I’ll just have a latte, I guess. Nonfat.” She waves a hand again and winks at me. “And Bailey”—she leans closer—“I’m so glad you found a dress! Alex said it was perfect on you.” She reaches out and touches my hand. “You’re going to have so much fun at prom. I can’t wait to see pictures, since my son is being a dud.”

  “Thank you,” I say. I should tell her that I already returned the dress and that I’m not going to the prom, not with Caleb, or anyone, but I can’t get past that comment.

  “A dud?” I ask, handing her change.

  “Yes. We said he could have the night off from his grounding, but he’s not going.” She presses her lips together in mock disgust. “It’s his senior year—I don’t know what’s wrong with him. How can you not want to go to the prom?”

  “He doesn’t have a date, dear,” Mr. Koviak shares. He eyes me again.

  It’s unnerving.

  “Well, he could have, I bet,” Mrs. Koviak says. “Right, Bailey?”

  I don’t think I could open my eyes any wider or feel more awkward. “Yeah. Sure. Yes. Of course.”

  “Well,” she says. “There’s still time. Maybe you could set him up with someone.”

  My stomach is churning so hard I think I could blend a smoothie in there. I manage a half-hearted smile. It’s the best I can do. “Maybe.”

  I make their drinks and they leave with more smiles. She makes me promise that she’ll get to see prom pictures. She mentions that they’ll be in town until school gets out.

  Caleb said Alex wasn’t going to the prom with Devon, but he’s not going at all?

  I stare at the clock. The game is over, and they won. Alex is happy. I miss that. I miss a lot about him. Watching movies and eating Miriam’s cooking, our conversations that were zero work at all, his wannabe douche-y alter-ego that doesn’t really fool anyone.

  The thing I miss most, though? When he texts me and says, “Hey you wanna come over?” and I show up, dog tired, and he puts his arm around me and he’s so warm, and he smells a little bit like soap and a little bit like Altoids with a hint of lacrosse, but it all worked together to make something super magical, and he always says something that makes me laugh. I miss that.

  It was so good. Perfect, really. Like something out of a fairytale or a really great rom com. How good could it have been if we’d gotten a chance to be together?

  If that kiss was any indication, I think it could have been better than good.

  I guess we’ll never know, and I guess sometimes life is like that. Sometimes, Alex, there just isn’t enough time on the dumb game clock. Sometimes maybe you should let it run out and accept the loss.

  Chapter Thirty-Nine

  Alex

  We won. Big. I channeled all that pizza rat determination and desperate hunger for a cheesy slice of heaven, and I played like a god. Like Apollo or Mars or whoever the hell.

  Eli and I walk into the locker room together. Well, I walk, he hobbles. He’s actually suited up tonight and is finally getting around without crutches. Someone puts on the team song, and everyone is raging and jumping and high fiving and chest bumping, and I’m so fucking happy. So happy. Proud of these animals.

  I celebrate with them, but then everything inside me abruptly takes a nosedive, and I head to my locker before they’re finished.

  “What’s wrong now?” Eli asks over my shoulder, sounding annoyed.

  I stop the word “dude” from coming out of my mouth. I lean against the bank of lockers and cross my arms. I was happy, am happy, but there’s an edge to it. Like that itch that you can’t reach, right between your shoulder blades. I can’t seem to get past this, can’t seem to get past losing her.

  “I miss her.”

  “Yeah, I can tell,” he says. “Dude, would you just ask her to prom? Just do it. I mean, you want to. It’s so obvious, but man, you’re fighting this battle against love, which is stupid. You’re not gonna win, so Do. The. Thing.”

  I shake my head and rub my temple. My brain feels like it’s about to shatter into tiny pieces. Glittery ones. There’s that word again. Love. I don’t love her, though. I like her. A lot. I like to be around her, I like to hear her and touch her and smell her, talk to her and laugh with her, and I just like to know that she’s l
iving on the planet. She makes me happy. She makes me feel free.

  It’s not love. It’s not. It’s—it’s—

  Samir walks up to us, and the conversation comes to an abrupt halt. “Hey,” he says, “a bunch of us are gonna get some pizza. You guys in?”

  Stop. Wait.

  “What?” I ask. “What did you say?”

  He gives me a weird look. “Pizza?”

  And then, that rat is crawling through my brain, working his way down the nasty subway steps with that gigantic slice of thin crust.

  “Kov?” Samir says. “Hello?”

  “I’m in,” Eli answers him. “Kov?”

  I can’t answer. Something weird is happening inside of me. I’m thinking of her. I’m always thinking of her, but I’m also thinking about what Eli said and what Miriam said, and the pizza rat and things inside of me are breaking down, and it’s like I’m on the field, full of confidence and cocky as hell, except this isn’t lacrosse. This is Bailey, and this is the prom, and this is me, asking Bailey to the prom. No matter what her answer. I have to try.

  I push back my hair. “Uh. Yeah. No. I’m not getting pizza. I mean, not literal pizza. Not tonight,” I say. “But metaphorically, yeah. I’m gonna give it a shot. Hey, E, can you give me a ride?” Damn my dumbass self for being grounded.

  He lifts an eyebrow. “Okay, sure.”

  “Okay. Let’s go.” I swat his shoulder. “I’m ready.”

  “Dude, take a shower first.”

  I look down at my uniform, splattered with mud. My knees are caked with dirt and grass. “No.”

  “Really?”

  I shake my head, grab my duffel. “Game clock’s ticking.”

  He smirks and knows exactly what I mean.

  On our way out of the parking lot, we see my parents, pulling in. They’re supposed to pick me up, because I’m grounded, but I need to do this. Now.

  “Is that your dad?” Eli says.

  “Just drive,” I say, hoping that this won’t mean I’ll be grounded for prom. Not that she’ll say yes.

  He drives fast, which I appreciate. My whole body buzzes, but my brain’s getting overwhelmed. “E, I have no idea what to say. What am I gonna say?”

  He rounds the corner to Main. “Don’t think. Just do it. Is she at work?”

  “She’s always at work.” The blood drains from my face. “Try Publix. Wait. No. I have to do something, give her something. Something!”

  “So sneak in. Get some flowers, and if she’s working, give ’em to her.”

  “And then what, have her ring me up?” Dumbass. “No. She should get more than flowers and definitely not ones I buy from her.”

  “What else are you gonna do?” He peels into the Publix parking lot. “It’s too late to find a cow.”

  I punch his arm as my eyes scan for her car. She always parks in the same area, on the opposite end of the strip mall by Hin’s.

  “It’s not here. Her car’s not here.” Thank God. But also, “It’s Saturday. Where is she? Doesn’t she work here Saturdays? Or is it every other Saturday? Dammit, why does she work so much?”

  Eli laughs.

  “Don’t laugh at me, dude.”

  “Right, right, sorry. So if she’s not here, she’s at the coffee shop, right? We can go there.” He starts to turn the car around.

  Adrenaline pumps through my body, fast and furious. I grab his arm and wonder if he can feel it. “Wait. I can go in and find something. In the store.” I wave my hand frantically. “Pull up, drop me off. Hurry!”

  I jump out before he’s even stopped, dodging customers as I run through the automatic doors. The flower department is right in front of me. There are tons of balloons above the flowers. Rabbits, eggs, crosses. For Easter? Do people really buy balloons for Easter?

  They’re big and shiny, though, so I grab all of the bunny-shaped ones and then snatch up a giant pot of some blue flower that reminds me of the color of that prom dress. Ideas are flowing now. This is gonna be great! Or a big disaster and she’ll call the cops and have me arrested for assaulting her with giant mylar rabbits.

  Stop, Koviak, stop thinking. You do best when you aren’t thinking.

  I turn down the aisle with the envelopes and paper and poster board. Poster board! No, I don’t have time to make a poster. I see the glitter. I have nowhere to glue glitter. I grab a tube of it anyway. My eyes roam the shelves, and I see a tub of chalk, the thick stuff kids use to write on sidewalks. Sidewalk chalk, that’s what it’s called, you dummy! You can also write on that special paint, like is on the walls at Java Infusion. Chalkboard paint! That’s what it’s called! That’s it! I grab the chalk, and I’m loaded down with all this stuff, and then I think, CANDY! Oh my God, where are the SNO CAPS??

  I’m running down the aisles. People are shrinking away from me, and I realize I am disgusting. I smell, and I’m smeared top to bottom with dirt from the field. Who would want to go to the prom with me?

  But I’m pizza rat! I need to do this now. Drag that pizza down the stairs. I’m not sure who the pizza is in this situation, but STOP THINKING. Do it now! She’ll say yes. She has to say yes.

  There! Candy aisle. I find the Sno Caps and grab every box I see. It’s official—I’ve got too much stuff. The balloons bump into each other loudly as I run through the store to the checkout.

  Oh shit.

  I just hit a brick wall. Named Edna.

  She recognizes me. I can see the hate in her eyes. She doesn’t like me or trust me. I consider going to another line, but I’ve already dumped everything onto the belt, and there’s someone behind me.

  “How many balloons?” she barks in that gravelly voice.

  I look up and then down at the strings in my hands. They’ve got little plastic weights tied to them. “Uh, I’m not sure.”

  “Well give ’em to me!”

  I hand them over, and she starts to untangle them, one at a time, super slowly. There is a live electric current flowing through me, and it has no place to go. Edna has literally stopped it in its tracks. I clasp my hands together and bounce on my toes, but I can’t do it.

  “Here, can I help?” I reach to take the balloons that she’s scanned. She yanks them back and frowns.

  “I’ve got ’em.”

  Damn, Edna. Hurry the hell up. I bite my lip, scratch my head, bounce some more. Hurry. Hurry. Hurry!

  Finally, she gets all of them scanned. She thrusts her arm out to me, and I take them. She lifts an eyebrow, and her forehead wrinkles more. “Ten balloons. That’s a lot.”

  “Yeah, I know.” And I still don’t know if all this will be enough. Why would she say yes to me? I’m really trying to stay positive. I think of taking her to prom in that dress. As my date.

  Edna is moving like an effing snail. I let out a big sigh, and she stops what she’s doing. Shit. The person in line behind me exhales loudly. I lean forward.

  “Ma’am?” I say loudly, so she can hear me, and aim my trademark Koviak smile right at her. It never fails to charm.

  Until now.

  “Miss Edna?” I get closer. “I need to get out of here.”

  “Why’s that?” She scans the boxes of Sno Caps one at a time. Jeez, how many did I buy?

  I raise an eyebrow right back at her. “I’m asking a girl to prom.”

  “Oh yeah? You’re a real Romeo, huh?”

  Edna. Oh my God.

  “The question is, are you asking the right girl?”

  Our eyes lock. “Yes. I am.”

  She looks away, and like magic, she starts to move faster. Not fast, but faster. Who knew she had it in her? I laugh and help her bag the rest of the stuff I bought.

  “That’s $94.68,” Edna says. I touch the back of my shorts, where a wallet should be, and then I remember. I don’t have a wallet.

  “Edna, give me two seconds. I’ll be right back!”

  I run out of there as she shouts behind me, “This is an express lane!”

  Eli is idling just outside, thank God, and I
dive into the backseat where I shoved my duffel. I find my wallet and flip it open. Shit! They took my debit card! I dig in the cash slot and pull out any bills that are in there. Three twenties. Not enough!

  “E, you got any money? I need forty bucks!”

  “What?” His head snaps toward the backseat. “What the fuck are you buying?”

  “Necessities, man, necessities!”

  He sighs and opens his wallet and hands me his debit card. “Here. Hurry.”

  “Thanks, dude,” I say for old times’ sake because I’m never saying that word again if she says yes to this promposal. “I’ll pay you back!”

  “Damn straight you will,” he yells as I slam the door and run back into the store where Edna looks hungry for blood.

  She takes my cash and Eli’s card and holds out the receipt.

  I reach for it, but she keeps it in her iron grasp. “You’re not worthy of that girl.”

  I swallow, blink. “I know, but I’m gonna try to be.”

  She releases the receipt, and I don’t move. I’m waiting for her to respond. I suddenly need Edna to respond.

  She leans closer to me. “There’s a line of people behind you kid. Get out.”

  Okay, all right. So Edna is no Love Guru.

  I tighten my grasp on the balloons, grab the bags, the potted plant, and the tub of chalk, and run out of there like I’m on fire. When I get outside, Eli’s car is gone. Dammit. I’m totally loaded down, and the wind has kicked up, and holding onto these ten giant rabbit balloons is a real pisser.

  Finally, his car squeals to a stop in front of me, and he hops out. “Cart boy made me move. Shit, where are we putting those?”

  “Backseat!” I yell, and it takes us way too long to get everything in there. It’s like the balloons are alive and trying to kill us. Finally, they’re all in, and Eli is laughing his ass off. I get in the passenger side and close the door behind me, potted plant on my lap, bags dropped at my feet. “Go! Go! Go!” I slap the dashboard, and Eli takes off.

  There’s a soundtrack playing in my head with a thumping bass line, and my heart is beating in time to it. I’m excited and pumped and scared shitless. All of that energy is driving me. Eli feels it, too, I think. He’s not laughing anymore when he squeals into the parking lot of Java Infusion.