Blue Jeans and Sweatshirts

by Jo Ramsey

  “You’re afraid your parents wouldn’t be able to accept your sexuality?”

  “Yeah. Or they might decide Evan influenced me or something stupid like that. I’m not a lesbian because Evan’s gay. I’m a lesbian because I’m a lesbian.” I hesitated. “I don’t usually say that out loud.”

  “It’s all right.” Lorraine put down the pen. “It sounds like a difficult situation, trying to keep your sexuality a secret while you have a girlfriend.”

  “A boy at school and I’ve been pretending to date for a while,” I said. “He’s gay and doesn’t want anyone to find out, so we cover for each other. And she has kind of a reputation. She’s been with a lot of guys and doesn’t hide it, so people don’t even know she’s into girls too.”

  I put my hand over my mouth so I would shut up. It was bad enough that I’d told Lorraine more about myself than I’d intended. Now I was spewing about Chastaine’s life, and that wasn’t any of Lorraine’s business.

  “Again, anything you say stays between us,” Lorraine said. “So let me make sure I’m following along with what you’ve told me. Your family and friends are concerned that you aren’t eating enough. You want to lose weight because you believe you’re fat and unhealthy, but you aren’t sure whether you’re losing the weight in a healthy way. You identify as a lesbian and are dating another girl, but you’re only out to her and a few friends, along with your cousin, and you and another boy cover each other’s sexuality by acting like a couple.”

  “Yeah. That’s pretty much it.” She’d put it in way shorter form than I had. I should have been able to explain it that way in the first place.

  “I appreciate your being willing to talk to me.” She closed the folder. “It’s your choice whether you enter counseling or not. I want to make sure you understand this. No one can force you. If you don’t think it will help, it won’t.”

  “My parents can force me,” I said. “That’s how they got me here today. They said they would ground me if I didn’t come.”

  She frowned. “That isn’t okay. I’m sorry they put that kind of pressure on you. Sometimes it is necessary to push someone into counseling if they’re at severe risk and don’t see it for themselves, but that isn’t the case with you. I think it would be good if you and I saw each other once a week to begin with, and after a while we should be able to taper off.”

  “So you think there’s something wrong with me too?” I gripped the arms of the chair. I thought I’d done pretty well convincing her I didn’t need to see her.

  Not that there was anything wrong with counseling. Evan and Chastaine both had it. But they had reasons for it. Evan was still dealing with aftereffects from being bullied and especially from getting beaten up, and he also had all the issues with his dad. Chastaine had been raped. It made sense for them to be in counseling.

  I didn’t have any problems like theirs, so I didn’t see the point in wasting Lorraine’s time. Or mine.

  “I don’t think anything’s wrong with you,” Lorraine said. “I think everyone can benefit from having someone objective to talk to, and I would like to be that person for you. But as I said, it’s up to you. If you don’t believe this will be useful to you, you can choose not to come back.”

  “Can I think about it?”

  “Yes, but I’ll need a few days’ notice to get you on my schedule.” She paused. “Are you concerned that your parents will try to push you to have sessions with me?”

  “Yeah. They pushed me for this one.” I stood. “What are you going to tell my dad? He’ll ask you if you think I need to keep coming here.”

  “What would you like me to tell him?”

  Right. She’d said she couldn’t tell him anything I didn’t agree to. That gave me a little bit of power I hadn’t expected. “Tell him we talked about me coming back, and we’re going to consider it for a few days.”

  She nodded. “Sounds like a plan. Let’s go talk to him.”

  We went out to the waiting area. Dad was flipping through a torn magazine I doubted he was actually reading. He stood up when we got to him. “How did it go?”

  “Holly and I talked a little about what’s going on in her life,” Lorraine said. “You do understand that we have full confidentiality. Holly can share what she wants to. I can only tell you what she gives me permission to share.”

  “I’m her father.” Dad folded his arms. “Her mother and I have a right to know what she’s talking about.”

  “She’s my client, and we have confidentiality laws,” Lorraine said calmly. “If Holly chooses to tell you what we talked about, she can. If she asks me to fill you in, that’s the only time I can tell you anything.”

  “We’re her parents,” Dad muttered.

  “She’s my client,” Lorraine said again.

  As entertaining as the stand-off between them was, I had homework, and I didn’t want to stand around there any longer. “We talked about school and stuff. And she said I can come back but I don’t have to, so I’m going to think about it for a couple of days.”

  “Your mother and I think you should be in counseling,” Dad said. He glared at Lorraine. “You’re the professional. What’s your opinion? We brought her here so you could help her.”

  “It’s Holly’s decision,” Lorraine said. “Counseling isn’t going to help her if she doesn’t believe it will be useful to her. And while I understand your concerns, it isn’t helpful if parents pressure their kids into counseling. Then the kid is only here because they have to be, and they don’t usually benefit.”

  Dad turned his glare on me. “What did you tell her?”

  “The truth. That you and Mom said I’d be grounded if I didn’t come today.” I looked right back at him. If he didn’t want me telling people he’d done things like that, he shouldn’t do them. “That’s the only reason I’m here. If you think I should have counseling, let me decide whether I think I do. You’re not in my brain.”

  “You’re being disrespectful,” he said through gritted teeth. “All right. You think you should decide, that’s fine.”

  “I’d like to know by Friday if you’re going to come back, Holly.” Lorraine didn’t seem a bit bothered by Dad’s reaction. “Give me a call and I’ll put you in my schedule for next week. I hope you have a good afternoon.”

  “Thanks,” I said.

  She went back into her office. I really didn’t want to hear what Dad might say, so I walked away before he could open his mouth.

  Chapter 7

  THE ENTIRE way home, Dad ranted at me about how I should keep some things to myself. He shut up when I pointed out that if he wanted me to keep things to myself, he shouldn’t have pushed me to talk to a counselor. Counseling shouldn’t be about saying what my parents told me to say. It was about helping myself. Apparently Dad decided he couldn’t argue with that.

  When we got home, I went straight to my room so I wouldn’t have to hear anything more from him. I was starting to think counseling might be a good idea. If nothing else, maybe Lorraine would be able to give me some tips on how to deal with my parents without wanting to scream.

  I only left my room for about half an hour that evening, and only because Mom said I had to sit at the table for supper. She’d ordered cheese pizza, and she and Dad pushed me to eat a slice. I ate about three bites of one, but I could feel myself getting fatter from all the grease on top of the cheese, so I refused to have any more.

  Chastaine texted me a little while after supper. Group text about meeting? And are we suggesting tomorrow?

  Yes to both. I’d completely forgotten she and I had talked at lunch about trying to arrange another support group meeting, so I was glad she’d remembered.

  I got Xan and Alyssa’s numbers from Evan. I need Natalia’s.

  I texted her Natalia’s number and waited. After a few minutes, a group message showed up. Hey, everyone, it’s Chastaine. Holly and I wanted to talk to you guys about another support meeting.

  Sports. The text came from a number I didn’t
recognize, so I figured it was Tony.

  We talked about doing meetings at supper time, I typed. Pizza.

  My mom wants me home at supper. She might get mad. That was Natalia.

  I had to stop and think about how to persuade her it would be okay. I wished Chastaine would say something, but she didn’t. Finally I came up with something. It would only be one night a week. Wednesday. If you can’t be at every meeting, that’s okay, but maybe your mom would let you go to some.

  She wants me home at supper.

  There didn’t seem to be any way to persuade her that her mom might be willing to let up on that rule. On the other hand, I didn’t know Natalia’s mom, so maybe Natalia was right. Okay, well, we’re talking about this so the group can decide. So Wednesday nights for supper won’t work for you. Let’s see what other people say.

  Natalia didn’t answer, which was probably a good thing. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to keep my patience with her if she continued arguing.

  I didn’t know whether everyone was even part of the conversation. The only ones besides Chastaine and me who said anything after Natalia stopped arguing were Evan, Tony, and Eleanor Alice. But all of them said the supper idea would work, since it would be late enough that sports and activities wouldn’t interfere.

  I’d forgotten I’d offered to host the meeting the next night, and since my parents weren’t exactly thrilled with me, I wasn’t sure asking them would be a good idea. But once people agreed to give it a try, I didn’t have much choice. I couldn’t back out on my promise. When I was sure we’d finished the discussion, I said good-bye to everyone and went downstairs to try talking to Mom and Dad.

  They were in the living room watching some reality show about a family with a bunch of kids. Mom muted it when I walked into the room. “Your father told me you said a few things to the counselor that it might have been better not to. Did she really need to know you only went so we wouldn’t ground you?”

  “Isn’t counseling supposed to be me talking about what I decide to talk about?” I sat on the couch beside her. “If you expect it to help me, you shouldn’t be putting restrictions on what I can say. If you don’t want me to talk to the counselor, don’t make me go.”

  Dad sighed. “There are some things that should stay within the family.”

  “Then I guess I won’t be going to see her again.” I folded my hands in my lap like a little kid. “You can’t have it both ways. If I talk to her, I talk about what I decide to talk about. If you don’t want me to talk to her, I don’t go to counseling. You might be the ones who decided I need help, but I’m the one who needs it.”

  We were way off track from what I wanted to talk to them about, but I couldn’t do much about it. If I tried to change the subject when Mom and Dad were set on something, it wouldn’t end well.

  “We aren’t getting anywhere with this,” Mom said.

  Of course we aren’t. I bit my tongue. No matter what they said, they didn’t believe a kid had any rights at all. They’d been that way my whole life. Sometimes I was amazed Mom and Aunt Imogen were sisters, because they were totally opposite in how they parented. Aunt Imogen supported Evan no matter what and let him make his own decisions. My parents told me what to do, lectured me if I didn’t do it, and punished me when I didn’t meet their expectations.

  A lot of times, I wished Aunt Imogen was my mom, but I would never say so.

  Both of them just sat there looking at me, which made me really uncomfortable. I didn’t know whether they expected me to promise I wouldn’t betray any family secrets to Lorraine, or to apologize for what I had said. I had no intention of doing either.

  Finally, I couldn’t take the silence, so I said, “Can I talk to you about something else?”

  “Go ahead,” Mom said, as Dad shook his head no.

  Clearly they didn’t agree about the subject change. That wasn’t my problem.

  “I’d like to have some of my friends over tomorrow night for pizza,” I said. “I know we just had pizza tonight, but this would be something different. It’s a meeting for people who want to help others, and we’d be eating while we talked.”

  “There isn’t enough room in the kitchen for more than a few people,” Mom said. “And you aren’t allowed to eat in here.”

  “I was hoping we could make an exception. There’ll be six or eight of us.” I gave her my best puppy dog eyes. “It’s important. We’re supposed to take turns hosting the meetings, and I offered to take this turn.”

  “We’ll think about it,” Dad said. “We’ll tell you before we leave in the morning.”

  “That doesn’t give us enough time to change the location if you say no,” I said. “Like I said, it’s important. If we’re going to have to find another place to meet, I’d prefer to know tonight so I can tell the others and someone else will have time to talk to their parents about letting us meet at their house.”

  Dad didn’t look pleased. No surprise there. He was already pissed at me, so of course he didn’t want to help me out with anything.

  “We’ll talk it over,” Mom said. “Go back to work on your homework, and we’ll let you know before you go to bed.”

  “Thank you.” I decided not to push my luck by saying anything more. I just returned to my room.

  I had texts from Chastaine and Evan, both asking about my counseling appointment. I told them it had gone okay and left it at that. They didn’t need to know what I’d said to Lorraine, and they definitely didn’t need to know my dad and I’d gotten into an argument about what I’d told the counselor. They texted me back, but I didn’t bother answering.

  Dad wasn’t being fair, and I kind of hated him for it. He and Mom claimed they wanted me to get better, but when I did what they wanted and went to counseling, they got on my case for what I’d said. I could only get help if I played along with them, which wouldn’t actually help at all.

  Even if they agreed to let me go back to Lorraine, I probably wouldn’t go. She’d lied to me when she said she wouldn’t tell Dad anything I told her. Even though she hadn’t come right out and repeated my words, she’d still hinted enough for him to figure out what I’d said. If she was going to pull crap like that, I wouldn’t be able to trust her.

  The more I thought about it, the angrier I got. The pizza I’d eaten churned in my stomach, and my mouth tasted like puke. If I hadn’t hated throwing up so much, I would have gone straight to the bathroom. But I didn’t want to do that. I would just have to deal with feeling sick and wishing I hadn’t eaten supper.

  A little while later, someone knocked on my door. “Come in,” I said.

  The door opened, and Mom walked in alone. She sat on the edge of the bed, which annoyed me, but I didn’t say anything. Hopefully she’d come to tell me I could have the meeting, which meant I should keep my mouth shut and listen.

  “Your dad and I talked about your pizza thing for tomorrow,” she said. “Why didn’t you tell us about it sooner? You really put us on the spot by not giving us time to consider it.”

  “Sorry.” I wasn’t. They shouldn’t have needed a whole lot of time to think. It wasn’t as if I was asking them to spend money or leave the house or anything. I just wanted to have some friends over to visit.

  Then again, sometimes they had to think about whether to let Evan come over, and he was their nephew. My parents weren’t big fans of having company.

  “It’s all right,” she said. “But if this happens again, please give us two or three days’ notice, okay?”

  “Okay.”

  “Your dad’s still a little upset about what happened at your appointment.” She looked at me. “What did you tell the counselor?”

  I tensed. Lorraine had said I could tell my parents whatever I chose, but that didn’t mean I had to tell them anything. It was none of their business. Otherwise there wouldn’t have been a rule that Lorraine couldn’t let them know what I said.

  But if I told Mom that, she might get upset again, and that would mess things up for me. I
was stuck.

  I decided to stand up for myself, even if it meant being in more trouble with my parents. “She asked me questions. I answered. She said even though I’m only sixteen, I still have the right to confidentiality. She can’t tell you guys what I say, and I can but I don’t have to.”

  “We’re your parents.” Mom narrowed her eyes. “We should know what you’re saying about us.”

  “No, you shouldn’t, just like I probably shouldn’t know everything you say about me.” I hesitated. Standing up for myself was one thing, but arguing with Mom after I’d already argued with Dad wouldn’t be good. “Why did you guys want me to go to counseling?”

  “Because we’re worried about you.”

  “Then why don’t you and Dad talk to me instead of sending me to someone you have to pay?”

  She paused, looking a little confused. That was fine with me. If she thought about what I said, I had a chance of getting her to see my point of view. And then she would get Dad to back off.

  “We thought a professional would be better able to help,” she said finally. “We’re your parents, and we love you. Sometimes that isn’t exactly helpful, because our emotions get in the way of being logical.”

  “Exactly.” I couldn’t help smiling a little. She was making my point for me. “So you send me to someone who can listen and be logical so I’ll actually be helped. But if you and Dad say you have to know everything I tell the counselor, plus you tell me what I am and am not allowed to say, I won’t feel like I can actually talk to her about things that are bothering me. That’s kind of the opposite of what counseling’s supposed to be, isn’t it? She can’t help me with stuff she doesn’t know about, so there wouldn’t be any point in me seeing her.”

  My voice got louder, so I stopped myself before I actually yelled. I wasn’t mad now. Just excited that I’d figured out what to say.