Blue Jeans and Sweatshirts

by Jo Ramsey

  They were the only ones who might have tried causing me problems. I was Evan’s cousin and Chastaine’s girlfriend, so if Jim and Colby had still been in town, they probably would have seen those things as enough reason to start crap with me about being a lesbian.

  But I didn’t have to worry about them. I just had to worry about the rumor mill at school, and about the wrong person finding out and saying something to my parents.

  I almost would rather have had Jim and Colby on my case. Everyone knew what they were like. People might not have believed them.

  “Deep breath,” Evan said.

  “Yeah.” I’d barely even been breathing, and I hadn’t realized it until Evan spoke. I took a few long, slow breaths. The oxygen at least helped my headache a little.

  “What’s the worst that might happen if you come out to your parents?” Chastaine asked without looking at me.

  “They’ll kick me out,” I said without thinking.

  As soon as I said it, I knew that wouldn’t happen. They wouldn’t be happy. They might be pissed off, and we probably would get along even worse than we were now. But they wouldn’t make me move out of our house. They couldn’t hate me that much.

  “If they kicked you out, Mom would let you stay here,” Evan said. “She wouldn’t take that kind of thing, even if your mother is her sister. She could have flipped out on me when I came out, but she didn’t, even though people kept telling her I was too young to know I was gay and Dad threatened to take her to court. She stood up for me every single time. She’d stand up for you too.”

  “Maybe you should tell Imogen before you tell your parents,” Guillermo said. “Then at least the first adult you tell would be someone supportive, and maybe she can help you talk to your mom and dad.”

  “That’s why I love this guy,” Evan said. “He’s a genius. Do you want to talk to Mom, Holly? I think Moe’s right, but it’s up to you.”

  “Yeah. I think.” I was nervous about telling Aunt Imogen, but she was definitely easier to talk to than my parents. And she had plenty of experience dealing with a kid who wasn’t straight.

  “Do you want me here too?” Chastaine asked.

  “Thanks, but I’d rather you not be. Sorry.” It would be hard enough talking to Aunt Imogen with Evan there, and at least if Chastaine wasn’t around, I could chicken out and not feel totally guilty about it.

  “No problem,” she said. “I just wanted to offer. It’s all good.”

  “Do your parents know, Chastaine?” Guillermo asked.

  “Hell no. They had a hard enough time with finding out I wasn’t a virgin.” She sighed. “I’m going to tell them this weekend, probably. We go to church with half the people who are probably spreading rumors, so I’d better talk to them before Sunday.”

  “Do you want some moral support? Your parents like me.”

  “Everyone likes Guillermo Garcia.” Chastaine laughed. “Yeah, they think you’re great. They were sad when they found out you’re gay. I think after we went to Homecoming together, they hoped we’d be an official couple.”

  He shrugged. “What can I say? I’m just that awesome. Do you want me to come over when you tell them? Or at least help you figure out what to say? I have a little bit of experience coming out to parents who believe in a God that says gay is wrong.”

  “Your parents never said that, though, did they?” I asked. According to Evan, Guillermo’s dad wasn’t exactly happy to have a gay son, but both of Guillermo’s parents had accepted it.

  “No. My parents believe in family over prejudice.”

  “I think I can handle Mom and Dad,” Chastaine said. “I handled everything after I reported Jim. Compared to that, they’ll probably be relieved if the only thing I tell them is I’m bi.”

  “Can I talk to your mom tonight, Evan?” I asked.

  “Sure. Let me text her and let her know, though. Not what you’re going to tell her, but just that you want to talk to her. Otherwise, she’ll try to get you out of here as soon as she gets home.” He took his phone out of his pocket and sent the text.

  I definitely wasn’t up for discussing coming out anymore, so I joined Guillermo and Chastaine kneeling at the coffee table and started trying to design a card for Natalia. I wanted to do something in her favorite color, but I didn’t know what it was. I pretty much didn’t know anything about her.

  I didn’t like that. If she hadn’t told me about what happened to her, I probably wouldn’t have talked to her at all. I was trying to be her friend, but it was mostly because of what she’d told me. That kind of sucked. She was a nice person, and I wished I’d talked to her more in the past. But the kids in Mr. Houseman’s class had mostly been in a separate classroom since elementary school and only joined the rest of us for things like art, gym, and lunch, and I didn’t really know any of them.

  I wished I could do something about that, but right then, I had way too many other things on my mind. I knew Mr. Houseman chose a few seniors every year to mentor his students, so maybe I would talk to him about doing that next year. By then the rest of the crap in my life might have let up a little.

  When Aunt Imogen got home, Chastaine and Guillermo left. I wanted to leave too. Aunt Imogen wasn’t a big fan of company after work, especially if she’d had a stressful day. But I didn’t want to wait too long to talk to her about Chastaine and me. That would have only given me more time to get anxious about it.

  She kicked off her boots at the door and sat on the armchair beside the couch. “Are you staying for supper, Holly?”

  “It’s up to you.” I hesitated. Now that she was there, I had no clue how to bring up what I needed to talk about.

  Evan took over, because he was Evan and that was how he did things. “I told you Holly wants to talk to you about something.”

  “Yes, and that’s why I asked about supper. If you two are hungry, we can eat while we talk.”

  “I’m not hungry,” I said. I kind of was. My headache was worse, I was dizzy, and my stomach kept growling. But I wasn’t sure I’d be able to eat even if I wanted to. And I wasn’t completely sure I wanted to.

  “Okay, well, I am.” She leaned back. “I’m happy to help with whatever’s going on, Holly, but I’m tired and hungry, and that’s going to make me a little cranky.”

  “So let’s make this fast,” Evan said. “Mom, Holly needs help figuring out how to talk to her parents about something.”

  “Okay.” Aunt Imogen looked at me. “What’s going on?”

  “I have a girlfriend.” There wasn’t any way to ease into that information, so blurting it out seemed like the best way to start. Even though as soon as I said it, I wished I could take it back.

  Aunt Imogen’s expression didn’t change a bit. “As in you’re dating a girl?”

  “Yeah.” I stared at her. Even though she accepted Evan, I’d expected her to kind of flip out on me. Or at least react somehow.

  “I thought you had a boyfriend,” she said.

  “They were faking it.” Evan touched a finger to his lips. “Sorry. Not my story to tell.”

  I was kind of relieved he’d interrupted. “What he said. Nathan and I weren’t really going out. It was a cover.” I decided not to tell her Nathan was gay. Even though I was pissed at him for throwing me under the bus, that didn’t give me the right to out him.

  “I see.” Aunt Imogen held up her hand, exactly the way Mom did when she wanted me to be quiet while she processed something. The same way I did, for that matter. “Okay. You’re dating a girl, but everyone believes you’re dating a boy.”

  “Not anymore,” I said. “He got mad because people were saying I was cheating on him with my girlfriend. They didn’t know the truth, but they assumed. He kept going off about how people would think he was gay if they knew I was, so I told him to tell everyone he broke up with me. Except I guess he said I was the one who broke up with him, which is just giving everyone more reason to think my girlfriend and I are a couple. I mean, we are, but it isn’t like we wan
ted everyone to know.”

  “Some people can’t handle their own lives,” Evan muttered.

  “Do you want to tell your parents because you’re ready to, or because you’re afraid they’re going to find out from someone else?” Aunt Imogen asked.

  “The second one.” I sighed. “Everyone talks to everyone in this town. You know that. Someone’s going to say something in front of their parents, and their parents will know mine, or it’ll go through a few other people first. But they’ll hear about it one way or another.”

  “Parents are usually a few steps behind the grapevine, but most things get out eventually,” Evan said. “I agree with Holly. They’re going to hear about it sooner or later, so it’s probably best if they hear it from her first.”

  “I agree too,” Aunt Imogen said. “Holly, first things first. I want to make sure you understand this isn’t a bad thing. No matter what anyone says. You’re who you are, and if you’re brave enough to be that person, that’s good.”

  “Thanks.” I wasn’t sure I completely believed her, but it was nice to hear anyway.

  “Your parents have always been pretty accepting when it comes to Evan,” she said.

  I nodded. “Yeah, but that doesn’t mean they will be with me. Evan isn’t their kid. Plus things are kind of messed up right now anyway. They’re mad already. I don’t know if they’ll get angrier about this.”

  “What’s messed up?” She leaned forward and rested her elbows on her knees. “Damn. I have to talk to my boss about getting a new chair. The one I have now is killing my back.”

  “It’s hard to explain,” I said.

  “Your mom told me they’re worried about your health because you aren’t eating much.”

  “Yeah.” Of course Mom had said that. She’d probably given Aunt Imogen all the details when she asked for information about counseling. “They told me if I didn’t go to this counselor Brooke recommended, I’d be grounded. So I went, and I told the counselor I was there because my parents said I had to be, and she kind of told my dad. Not exactly, but she said my parents shouldn’t push me into counseling if I didn’t want to be there, and Dad filled in the blanks. He kind of isn’t speaking to me right now.”

  “Good God.” Aunt Imogen shook her head. “Sometimes I wonder about your parents. Don’t tell them I said that. Okay, so you think they’re mad at you for talking to the counselor they made you go to in the first place.”

  “Pretty much.”

  “And if they’re already mad at you, you don’t know how they’ll react to finding out about your girlfriend.” She tapped the fingers of one hand on her thigh. “I think we need to separate those two things. They’ll get over the counseling thing. They know damn well that counseling doesn’t work if you can’t speak freely.”

  “You’d think so,” I said. “I’m not sure they believe that applies when it comes to me.”

  “Well, they’re going to have to believe it if they actually want to help you.” She paused. “That isn’t the main issue right now, but if you think it’ll help, I’ll talk to them about counseling.”

  “I don’t know,” I said. “Can we just do one thing at a time, please?” My heart was racing. My parents would be even more upset if they found out I’d told Aunt Imogen about the counseling thing than they were about what I’d said to Lorraine, and I was already going to give them enough to freak out about.

  Aunt Imogen nodded. “Just think about it, and let’s get back on track. I know this is a scary thing for you to think about, Holly, but you’re doing the right thing by deciding to tell them before they find out from someone else. This way, at least you’re in control of it.”

  “That’s what Moe said when he decided to come out,” Evan said. “Instead of letting the people who were trying to out him have control, he took it and told everyone the truth himself.”

  “Yeah.” As far as I was concerned, Guillermo was a heck of a lot braver than I was.

  “I can be there when you tell them,” Aunt Imogen said. “Then if they have questions, I can help answer them.”

  “I can be there too,” Evan said.

  Before I could answer, Aunt Imogen shook her head. “I know you want to be supportive, Evan, but this is going to be a complicated conversation. Your aunt and uncle might not appreciate you being part of it.”

  “Yeah, probably not.” Evan sighed. “Okay. Carry on.”

  I thought about Aunt Imogen’s offer. If she was there, my parents might not get as angry, for one thing. At least they wouldn’t show it in front of her. And she would also be able to help me explain, which definitely wouldn’t be a bad thing.

  “If you can be there, I think it might help,” I said. “Thank you.”

  “No problem.” She smiled. “It’s going to be okay, Holly. If you want, I can call and ask them to come over now so you can get this over with.”

  “How does that work with me not being part of the conversation?” Evan asked. “I live here.

  “You can stay in your room.” Aunt Imogen glared at him. “Don’t be difficult, Evan.”

  “Sorry.” Evan didn’t sound a bit like he meant it.

  Again I had to stop to think. My parents would be tired from work and probably not in the best mood. I wasn’t sure if Dad was even speaking to me.

  It probably would have been smart to wait until the weekend. Then we would all have had enough sleep and wouldn’t have worked all day, and maybe the whole counseling issue would have died down. But I didn’t want this hanging over me along with everything else for the next couple of days.

  “I’ll call them,” I said.

  Aunt Imogen stood. “I’m going to go change my clothes. Just tell them I’m inviting them over for supper. If you say you want to talk to them about something, they’ll already be wound up by the time they get here.”

  “Yeah. Good point.”

  She went into her bedroom. Evan turned the TV back on and channel surfed while I called Mom. I figured I’d have an easier time persuading her to come to Aunt Imogen’s than Dad.

  “Are you still at Evan’s?” Mom asked when she answered the phone. She didn’t even say hello.

  I closed my eyes. Keep it simple. Aunt Imogen’s inviting them for dinner. “Yeah. Aunt Imogen told me to call and ask if you guys want to come over for supper.”

  Mom didn’t answer right away, which gave me enough time to get even more nervous.

  “Your dad just got home,” she said. “Let me check with him.”

  “Okay.”

  She didn’t hang up, but she must have put the phone down, because I didn’t hear anything for a couple of minutes. Finally, she said, “We’ll be there in about half an hour, but let your aunt know we can’t stay late. It’s been a long week.”

  “Okay,” I said again. “See you then.”

  “See you.” Now she hung up.

  “Your parents don’t even say they love you?” Evan said.

  I opened my eyes and glared at him. “Eavesdrop much? They say it. Just not always at the end of phone calls. I know my parents love me, and they know I love them, so we don’t have to actually say it all the time.”

  “Mom and I know we love each other too, but sometimes it’s nice to hear.” He shrugged. “Everyone’s different, and it’s none of my business. Sorry.”

  “It’s all right.” I put my phone back in my pocket.

  Aunt Imogen, being her usual self, didn’t cook supper. Instead she ordered Chinese food, which arrived at the same time as Mom and Dad. After they said hi to Aunt Imogen and Evan, we got our food and settled in the living room to eat, since there wasn’t enough room at the table for all of us.

  We were a few minutes into eating—or at least, they were a few minutes into eating, and I was a few minutes into picking bits off a teriyaki strip—when I realized no one was going to say anything. Aunt Imogen had said she would help me talk to my parents, but she probably wanted me to start, and Evan was being quiet because he was busy putting food in his mouth.
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  Even though Aunt Imogen had also said she didn’t want Evan in the room when we talked to Mom and Dad, obviously Evan couldn’t take his supper into his bedroom. And I didn’t think I’d be able to stand waiting until we all finished our meals before I got started. With every second, my chest got tighter and my stomach, which wasn’t too happy about the teriyaki as it was, rolled more.

  “Mom, Dad, I need to talk to you,” I blurted before I could talk myself out of it.

  Mom put down the chicken wing she’d been about to bite into and looked at me. “What now?”

  The way she said it almost made me chicken out completely. What now. As if I was nothing more than a bother who kept making trouble for the fun of it.

  “Maris, do you actually mean to sound as harsh as you do?” Aunt Imogen asked.

  “I’m tired.” Mom picked up the chicken again. “Lately we’ve been talking to Holly about a lot of things, and I’m not quite sure why she’s bringing this up here instead of waiting until we get home.”

  “She wanted to talk to you in front of me,” Aunt Imogen said.

  “So you know what this is about?” Dad demanded.

  “Yes.” Aunt Imogen narrowed her eyes. “Your daughter needs you to listen to her. Are you going to, or are you going to complain about her right in front of her face?”

  Tears came to my eyes, and I sniffled. This was going even worse than I’d feared. I wanted to get up and run out of the room, but I couldn’t. I had to get through this somehow, even though I was afraid if I opened my mouth, vomit would come out instead of words.

  “Please just let me talk!” I didn’t mean to shout, but at least it got everyone’s attention. “I’m sorry I’m such a horrible kid to deal with and cause you so much trouble, but this is important. Maybe if you can’t handle me, you shouldn’t have had me.”

  My mouth dropped open as what I’d said registered on my brain. Everyone else looked just as stunned.

  I wanted to take it back, but once something was said, there was no way to unsay it.

  “You aren’t horrible,” Mom said slowly.