Blue Jeans and Sweatshirts

by Jo Ramsey

  I was no better than him. That was why I’d gone into court and pretty much begged the judge to put me in jail. Not that serving time made anything right. I would be a monster for the rest of my life. Just like him.

  The shop phone rang. Delia’s voice murmured something I couldn’t make out.

  The roaring in my ears dulled everything else. I didn’t know if that made me dizzy, or if it was because I couldn’t breathe.

  I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to block out his face, but that only made the image stronger.

  “Jim, Mrs. Morris called. She’ll be down in about an hour for the paints and canvas she ordered. They should be in that shipment.”

  Delia was near me, but I couldn’t open my eyes to see how close. And I couldn’t answer her. If I opened my mouth, I would scream.

  “Jim? Look at me.”

  Her stern voice cut through the roaring. Even though I couldn’t see her, I felt her behind me. That gave me something to hold onto. Delia was behind me. She was here with me.

  He wasn’t. I was safe, except for the danger in my own brain. Delia would keep me safe.

  “Open your eyes,” she said.

  Slowly I did. Delia was kneeling beside me with a concerned expression. Concern and pity, which pissed me off. No one should feel sorry for me.

  “I’m okay.” I took a couple of breaths. This time I actually managed to get some oxygen. My heart had slowed down a little, and his face wasn’t stuck in my head anymore. But the memories still were, and I knew damn well they would show up again.

  “You aren’t okay.” Delia stood. “I’m going next door to get some coffee. You should eat something too. Donut? Muffin?”

  “I don’t care.” I wasn’t hungry. Right then, if I tried to put anything in my stomach, I would probably puke.

  “I’ll get you something.” She looked at the stacks around me. “You’ve done a lot already. Good work. Come out front and watch the register, okay?”

  “Yeah.” I got up off the floor and quickly turned away from the frigging pencil sets. “No problem. What about this stuff?”

  “We’ll deal with it after coffee and food. I’ll be right back.” She quickly strode out of the room.

  By the time I walked through the curtain separating the back room from the shop, Delia was gone. I went behind the counter and sat on the stool Delia kept there. She probably didn’t know how to deal with me right then.

  Hell, I didn’t know how to deal with me. All that crap had happened to me ten years ago. Sure, I remembered it sometimes. Especially when I thought about other guys. I didn’t know if I would have been gay no matter what, or if he’d made me gay by doing those things to me. All the times he said he could tell I liked it. Maybe I had. Maybe that was why girls didn’t turn me on and guys did.

  I’d buried most of the stuff. Not too deep. Someday he might come back. I had to be able to protect myself. And to make him pay. Even though I’d tried to forget, part of me hadn’t allowed all the memories to completely go away.

  But now they weren’t buried at all anymore, and I couldn’t get them back into their hole. This wasn’t the first time something had set me off. In detention one of the other guys had said something that pushed me into the memories. And I’d had nightmares since moving in with Delia. But I hadn’t said a word about them.

  This time I wouldn’t be able to brush it off. Delia had seen me freaking out. She would ask me why, and I couldn’t lie to her. She didn’t allow dishonesty. She’d told me that on the ride to her place from the Grand Rapids airport. If I ever lied to her, I’d be out on my ass. Her exact words.

  Delia walked back in with a white paper bag and two foam cups marked with the name of the coffee shop two doors down. She set everything on the counter and slid one of the cups toward me. “Drink. Caffeine might stabilize you enough to tell me what the frig’s going on.”

  I doubted anything would help, but I took a sip through the opening in the cup lid anyway. The coffee burned my tongue, and I gagged at the sweetness of it. Even so, I felt a little steadier after I swallowed.

  “Thanks.” I put the cup down. “I don’t know what happened. I was unpacking, and then those colored pencils….”

  I trailed off. If I told Delia why the pencils made me lose it, she would be the first person to hear about what he had done. I wasn’t ready for that.

  “What about the pencils?” She took two muffins out of the bag and put one in front of me. “Sugar. And real blueberries.”

  “I think most blueberry muffins have real berries.” I broke off a tiny piece of the muffin top and swallowed it without chewing. “They reminded me of something kind of crappy. The pencils, I mean. That’s all.”

  “Nope.” Folding her arms, Delia looked me in the eye.

  I only managed to look back for about two seconds.

  “Remember what I told you, Jim,” she said. “Be honest with me.”

  I didn’t say a word. If I told her the truth about my past, she would probably believe me. Maybe help me deal with it. I didn’t need to be afraid to talk. Even if he was alive somewhere, he couldn’t hurt me anymore. I’d had plenty of practice pounding on people on the football field and in fights, and I was in Michigan.

  I didn’t have to tell Delia I liked guys. Only about the bullshit memories those pencils yanked up out of the ground. All I had to do was open my mouth.

  “I can’t tell you,” I said. “I’m not lying. It’s just something I can’t tell you.”

  My mouth dropped open. I’d meant to tell her the truth. My brain and mouth weren’t getting along so well, apparently.

  She nodded. “I understand. Can I do anything to help?”

  You can read my mind. You can see what’s happening so I don’t have to say it. If only that were possible. My heart dropped down to my boots. Ten years had gone by, and I was still too scared to speak up. And somewhere he was still getting away with hurting me.

  “The coffee and muffin are good.” I broke off another piece of muffin but didn’t put it in my mouth. “Um, those pencil sets. Maybe… I mean, would you mind putting them away? I’ll do the other stuff.”

  She frowned. “If this is about something you can’t tell me, can you tell your counselor? The pencils can’t keep giving you problems. They’re going to be here in the shop. They’ll be in a display, and if you’re running the register you’ll have to ring them up.”

  “I know.” I squished the muffin piece between my thumb and finger. “They’re a new item, right? Maybe no one will buy them.

  “Two of our regulars requested them specifically.” She tapped on the counter. “Look at me.”

  Reluctantly I met her gaze. She quirked her lips. It wasn’t really a smile, but it was close enough to relax me. She wasn’t pissed at me, at least.

  “Are you going to panic every time you see them?” she asked.

  I couldn’t really answer that without a crystal ball, but I shook my head. “They startled me. Now I know they’re here, so I think I’ll be okay.”

  “All right.” She gestured at my muffin. “Eat. You didn’t have breakfast, and not having food in your system isn’t going to help anything. I’m going to get those pencil sets out of the way, then you can put away the rest of the stuff in the shipment.”

  I let out a long sigh and sagged against the counter. “Thanks.”

  “You’re welcome.”

  I choked down about half the muffin before my stomach started rolling. I threw away the rest of the muffin and sipped some coffee. Even with too much sugar, the liquid helped.

  No one came into the shop while Delia was out back. Between the cold and the huge, fluffy snowflakes falling outside, probably everyone wanted to stay indoors.

  I wandered around the shop straightening some of the displays and tried to keep myself from thinking too much.

  “All set,” Delia said finally. “Go take care of the rest and then you can take a break.”

  “What am I going to do on a break?” I motioned a
t the window. “Not exactly walking weather. No computer, no smartphone, nothing to read. And don’t even suggest I try drawing something. We’ve been there.”

  She held up her hands. “Not mentioning it. I’m sure you’ll think of something. Get that stuff put away first, anyhow.”

  I followed directions. Putting away the other new supplies didn’t take long. The shop wasn’t huge, and we didn’t carry a very wide range of merchandise. I’d figured it all out pretty fast in the week and a half I’d been working there.

  “Take your break,” she said again as I put the last stack of paint sets on a shelf.

  “For what?” The snow had slowed to flurries, but I still wasn’t too thrilled with going outside. I doubted the temperature had gone up any since Delia and I’d arrived. Walking around town, I would freeze my butt off.

  On the other hand, staying in the back room would be worse. I wouldn’t have anything to do. My brain had already turned against me. I needed distractions.

  “Go have lunch or something.” Delia opened the register and held out a ten-dollar bill. “This should be enough for a meal. And then you can take a walk. Learn your new home.”

  “I don’t know how long this will be home.”

  “Excuse me?” she growled.

  I shouldn’t have said that. She kept telling me I lived with her no matter what, but I couldn’t believe her. Not after how everyone else had gotten rid of me. I didn’t want her to know that, though. Now she knew I thought she was lying, and of course that pissed her off.

  “Sorry,” I said. “I just mean… I’m good at screwing up, I guess. I don’t know if I’m going to keep acting the way you want me to, or if I’m going to screw up again. Besides, people might find out I’m a sex offender. They aren’t going to be happy about you letting me work here if they know the truth.”

  “I can’t say for sure what’s going to happen.” She put the cash on the counter and leaned forward. “I can say I’m not going to throw you away like your parents did. You did some massively wrong things. You know it. If people find out what you did, I’ll have your back. You aren’t doing anything wrong now. You paid your price according to the law.”

  “Yeah. I paid for it.” But I should have paid a way higher price for what I’d done to Chastaine and Maryellen. I still didn’t get why the judge let me off so easy. One month in detention and probation until I turned eighteen. Permission to move out of state, with my case transferred to Michigan. Required to register as a sex offender until I turned twenty-one. I hadn’t even seen a probation officer yet. I’d only talked on the phone to the guy in Ludington who was assigned to my case.

  I should have been in jail for years, not days. I’d even said so to the judge. He said even though I pled guilty, he didn’t have enough evidence to give me a harsher sentence. I was pretty sure he didn’t believe Chastaine or Maryellen. He’d looked disgusted every time he said their names.

  “What are you thinking?” Delia asked. “And why are you just standing here?”

  “I don’t know.” I picked up the money. “You really want me out of here so bad?”

  “For a little while.” She smiled. “You know damn good and well I’m not kicking you out. It isn’t healthy for you to shut yourself away from everyone all the time the way you do. No one here knows you, Jim. They aren’t going to see what you did. They’re only going to see someone who’s new in town. Unless you tell them what happened, they don’t have any way to know.”

  “They do if they check the registry.”

  “Most people probably won’t. Trust me.” She waved toward the door. “Get out of here. Have lunch up the street. Take a walk down to the lighthouse or something. And then go to your appointment. I’ll take a break when you get back. It’s art club day at the high school, so we’ll probably be a little busy later.”

  “Okay.”

  I walked out fast before she saw how scared I was by the possibility of seeing other people my age.

  Outside, the temperature hadn’t risen, but the wind had died down. I wasn’t hungry enough to buy anything to eat. The half muffin I’d had earlier was still hanging out in my stomach. If I ate anything else, I might not be able to keep it down. A walk in the fresh air might help, even if I froze.

  Lake Michigan was right at the end of Main Street. That was the biggest reason people came to town. The lake and the ferry across it to Wisconsin. Delia had taken me down to the lake the first time she’d brought me into town, but I hadn’t seen why it was such a big deal. It was a huge body of water, like the ocean that surrounded my old town. The only difference was the lake was fresh water.

  But today my choices were to go into other shops or walk down to the lake for a little while. I picked the lake. I walked pretty fast to try to warm myself up and keep my brain quiet. The first part worked. The second, not so much.

  Back home, until everything went down, I’d had a lot of friends. I was an athlete. Some people were kind of scared of me because I had a temper, but that didn’t bother me. The guys I called friends weren’t scared as far as I knew.

  Some of them turned on me when I got kicked off the team. More did after I got arrested for beating up Evan. My mom and stepdad kicked me out and I had to go live with my dad in a different city, so I barely saw my friends anyway. Evan got a restraining order against me, so I couldn’t even go near my old school.

  And then I lost the rest of my friends because of Chastaine and Maryellen. Not that I blamed them for it. I was the one who’d messed up.

  I reached the end of the street and stared out at the lake and the little lighthouse at the end of a short causeway just wide enough for someone to walk on. Delia had pointed it out to me on our little tour of town.

  I walked down to the beginning of the causeway. A sign there informed me the lighthouse was over 2700 feet away. Farther than I wanted to walk, especially since it was windier next to the lake, but it would give me something to do.

  A few patches of ice dotted the causeway, so I had to watch my step. Fortunately my boots had good traction, so the surface of the rocks wasn’t a problem. The wind sliced right through me, and my teeth chattered, but I didn’t go back. For some reason I had to make it to the lighthouse.

  I was shivering like crazy by the time I got to the end of the causeway. Huge pieces of ice surrounded the base of the lighthouse, and I had to brace myself so the wind wouldn’t knock me into the lake. I turned to look back at the shore, amazed at how far away it appeared.

  I felt like I’d accomplished something huge, even though all I’d done was walk about half a mile.

  I didn’t stand there for long. It was too damn cold, and I had to get to my therapy appointment. Walking back to the shore didn’t seem to take as long as walking out, but by the time I got there I could barely feel any part of my body.

  Hypothermia would kind of suck, and according to my watch I only had ten minutes to get to my appointment, so I stuck my hands in my pockets and half walked, half ran to the counseling office.

  Don’t miss how the story began!

  Nail Polish and Feathers

  Deep Secrets and Hope:

  Book One

  By Jo Ramsey

  Sixteen-year-old Evan Granger has no problems with being gay. Despite his mother’s objections, he wears nail polish and makeup to school and pursues his goal of becoming a professional drag queen.

  TV drag star Taffy Sweet gives encouragement and Evan’s cousin Holly tries to protect him, but school bullies abuse him so badly because of his sexuality and the girly way he dresses that he ends up at the hospital emergency room. After that, even his new crush, a closeted football jock named Moe Garcia, is unhappy about Evan’s choice to live his life openly gay. But even in girly clothes and nail polish, Evan is a force to be reckoned with, and he soon shows the bullies—and everyone else—that beating a drag queen up does not mean the queen is beaten down.

  http://www.harmonyinkpress.com

  Shoulder Pads and Flannel

&nbs
p; Deep Secrets and Hope:

  Book Two

  By Jo Ramsey

  High school football star Guillermo Garcia can count himself among the popular kids—for now. Although he secretly dates Evan Granger, who is openly gay and badly bullied for it, Guillermo doesn’t dare let his teammates, classmates, or close-knit family learn about his sexuality.

  But Guillermo witnessed an attack on Evan, and now the school bullies plan to out Guillermo in retaliation. In their small town, word spreads rapidly, so Guillermo must make a quick choice—come out now on his own or risk having someone else do it for him.

  http://www.harmonyinkpress.com

  High Heels and Lipstick

  Deep Secrets and Hope:

  Book Three

  By Jo Ramsey

  Chastaine Rollo follows her own rules, even starting rumors about herself before others have the chance. Others’ opinions don’t matter. Her life is fun, and she likes being a rebel, until now. When she comes forward as a date-rape victim, pinning a popular former student as her attacker, the entire school turns against her.

  Two months ago, Chastaine admitted to her friend Guillermo that Jim Frankel date-raped her, and Guillermo coaxed her to report it. When word spread about what had happened to Chastaine, a freshman girl, Maryellen, reported that she had also been raped by Jim. Since then Chastaine and Maryellen have endured nasty messages, cyberbullying, and threats in school.

  Chastaine has lost many of her so-called friends and now leans on Guillermo, his boyfriend Evan Granger, and Evan’s cousin, Holly McCormack, for support. Especially Holly.

  When Jim pleads guilty to the charges against him, Chastaine’s happiness is short-lived when she realizes the truth won’t change the way her peers view her. Unable to take the news and the way people are treating her, Maryellen attempts suicide, and Chastaine blames herself for not being more supportive. However, Chastaine needs support too, and Holly is one of the only people she can now trust, but Chastaine isn’t sure whether her attraction to Holly is only because of that or if it’s something more.