Rush Revere and the First Patriots: Time-Travel Adventures With Exceptional Americans

by Rush Limbaugh

  The King interrupted and exclaimed, “And that is something that a child would say. I will have the colonies back under my control. These so-called Patriots will never succeed as individuals. They will bow to the King and serve the Crown. They will do what they are told. I will not tolerate anything less!”

  “I’m not so sure about that,” I whispered to Tommy. “The United States of America is going to be born soon.”

  Tommy whispered back, “This is better than Monday Night Football! Revere versus the King of England!” I was glad Tommy could have a sense of humor. The tension in the room was so thick you could slice it with a butter knife.

  “You have some nerve, Revere! You took a great risk coming here and addressing me with this drivel!” The King’s face was red and his eyes were fiercely focused on mine.

  Whether good or bad, something inside me pushed onward. I could tell I was losing some of the history teacher and getting involved a little too much in the actual history. Careful, I said to myself. Careful!

  “Your Excellency,” I said, “what the people want is a vote. Why is that so hard to understand?”

  “I recommended ending the stamp tax! Isn’t that enough for you fools? You truly are children! I don’t care what the colonists want!” the King yelled as he stood up from his chair. “I have heard from the provincial Benjamin Franklin. He is a fool to side with those who fight against the Crown. And rebels like Patrick Henry and Samuel Adams will hang from the gallows for their treacherous words. I will have my way!” He pouted. “I will. I will! The colonists are rabble-rousers and common criminals. They are dumb, silly dressed fools who are still subject to my laws and my word. I shall not have them forget that I rule the New World. I am the King! The land and the people of the thirteen colonies are still mine. Mine, I tell you! The colonists will do anything I say and buy anything we sell them! Except for fine fashion, it appears!”

  The King sneered with a wicked grin. “As a matter of fact, I am signing the Declaratory Act in the morning, which gives England and the King full authority, full power to make laws that are legally binding on the colonies.”

  “In other words,” I said, “England’s grip on America becomes even tighter.”

  “Like handcuffs?” asked Tommy.

  “Exactly,” I said. I stood and motioned for Tommy to stand as well. I tried to remain humble, realizing at any moment the King could tell the guards, Off with my head!

  I took a deep breath and said, “This act, this Declaratory Act, will make my countrymen even angrier. It will feel like the freedoms their ancestors fought for are being taken away.”

  The King sneered and said, “You imbecile! The colonists have no idea what is best for them. They are not capable of making decisions for themselves. I am their king, and I know better than they do what is good for them! I want them totally dependent on me for everything. That is the way it always has been, that is the way it should be.”

  “I couldn’t agree with you more Your Highness,” said Elizabeth, who stood at the door of the Red Drawing Room. She was wearing the most exquisite blue gown, which seemed to sparkle. It reached all the way to the floor and looked like something from Cinderella’s ball. A short white fur was draped across her shoulders and her hair was curled and beautifully arranged on top of her head. I could tell her face was powdered and she looked several years older than she really was.

  George III, King of Great Britain and Ireland (1760–1820).

  “Elizabeth?” Tommy asked. “What the . . . did you bump your head when you fell into that pond?”

  “The King is so wise and so amazingly handsome,” Elizabeth said, ignoring Tommy. “I absolutely agree that taking control of the situation is the only thing to do. We need to do what needs to be done to help them see that the King’s laws are just. We need the colonies to show more respect to England. We need to force them to obey! I declare that we put troops in every house and tax all the little fools!”

  “We?” said Tommy. “And who made you queen? Maybe bringing you here wasn’t such a good idea.”

  The King turned to Elizabeth and said, “It is reassuring to see this kind of transformation and hear this kind of loyalty from one of my colonial subjects.”

  “The point is a good leader is supposed to protect and preserve the rights of the people. Instead it appears as though you are trampling those rights with tyranny,” I said, knowing full well I would break what little harmony there was in the room.

  “I am done with you!” screamed King George. “I rule! And I grow tired of your insults.” He walked toward Elizabeth, took her hand, and kissed it. “Elizabeth, I am glad for your company and wish we could have spent more time together.” He then turned toward Tommy and me and shouted, “Guards! Escort my lady and the two bloody Americans to the front gate. Retrieve their horse from the livery and send them on their way.”

  Two guards escorted Elizabeth by the arms and another two escorted Tommy. As they left the room, King George called to me one last time. I was really not interested to hear what the King was about to say. In fact, I knew I had pushed the King too far and had overstayed my welcome.

  That wicked grin returned to the King’s lips and he said threateningly, “Mr. Revere, do not ever forget that I am king of the most powerful nation in the world. My word is law. Your pathetic life has been spared for one reason. I want you to sail back to your woeful America and tell those wretched rebels that I will send the entire British army to force them into submission if I have to. Do you understand? Or is that too difficult for your pea-sized brain.”

  “Oh, I understand,” I said with a smirk. “It will be my pleasure.”

  Chapter 7

   After leaving the castle we found a secluded area in a nearby forest to time-jump back to modern-day. Liberty suggested that I put duct tape over Elizabeth’s mouth so we wouldn’t have to hear her incessant complaining about getting kicked out of Windsor Castle.

  “Rush, rush, rushing from history,” Liberty said.

  Like clockwork, we arrived back at Manchester in the same hallway just seconds after we had left. In fact, Cam must have just finished changing into his modern-day clothes and was walking back to the classroom when he noticed us in the hallway.

  “Haven’t you guys left yet?” Cam asked. “What’s taking you so . . .” That’s when he noticed the dress that Elizabeth was wearing. “What happened to her?”

  “Would you believe she fell into a pond?” Liberty said.

  “More like thrown into a pond,” Elizabeth countered.

  “A pond?” asked Cam. “Was there a toad in the pond that kissed her and she turned into a princess?”

  “I wouldn’t let a toad kiss me! Gross! If we were in England I’d have the guards throw you into the dungeon!” Elizabeth said.

  “She may look like a princess but she’s acting like a toad,” Cam replied.

  “Let’s get back into the classroom. I imagine the video of Benjamin Franklin is almost over,” I said.

  “Quick, someone take a picture of me wearing this dress!” said Elizabeth as she handed Tommy her phone. “It’s the least you can do after ruining my visit with King George!” Tommy took a quick picture and handed the phone back to Elizabeth.

  “I can’t wait to post this on Facebook and Pinterest and Instagram and—”

  Liberty interrupted and said, “I remember when people would simply post things to doors. For example, in 1770 I remember a posting about the Boston Massacre!”

  “The mass of what?” Tommy asked.

  “The Boston Massacre,” Cam said.

  Liberty agreed. “Yes, I saw a drawing of it that Paul Revere engraved, printed, and posted all over Boston. I suppose if Paul Revere had Facebook or Instagram he would’ve posted it there as well!”

  “I wish I had taken a picture of King George,” Elizabeth sighed as if she were daydreaming. “He looked magnificent!” Elizabeth twirled around and around as she waltzed down the hallway. “Adieu!”

  I look
ed at Tommy and Cam, who looked as worried as I did.

  “Should we try to stop her? What’s going to happen when Principal Sherman sees her dress?” said Tommy.

  “Yeah, she has all the evidence she needs to bust us!” Cam said.

  “Let’s not panic,” I said. “I don’t think she’s in any hurry to burn the bridge that let her meet King George. I’d say she’s very happy.”

  “I’d say she’s loopy!” Cam said.

  “I’d say she’s nuts-o,” said Tommy.

  “I’d say her chimney is missing a few bricks!” said Liberty, who snorted at his own joke.

  “I’d say you better get in here,” said Freedom, who stuck her head out the classroom door. “The video you took of Benjamin Franklin just ended and kids are wondering where you are.”

  I turned to Tommy and Cam and said, “After Tommy changes his clothes I need the two of you to go to the teachers’ lounge and grab the sound system and speakers. Bring them here so Liberty can perform his stomp act about the Stamp Act.”

  Cam started to laugh and said, “I’m sorry for laughing but it sounds really funny every time you say that.”

  Liberty replied, “I always laugh when I hear the question, ‘How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?’ If I ever meet a woodchuck I’m going to ask him if woodchucks really do chuck wood and if so, how much wood would he really chuck if he could? I mean if he chucks too much wood could a woodchuck upchuck the chucked wood?”

  The things this horse says, I thought. I smiled and pulled Liberty’s halter toward the classroom door. “Let’s go. It’s time for Honors History,” I said.

  The two boys darted down the hallway and Liberty and I entered the classroom. Upon seeing us the students quickly settled down.

  I walked to the front of the class and said, “We’re going to have a quick test on the movie about Benjamin Franklin that you just watched. I’m going to pass out a piece of paper and I want you to answer the question, ‘Why were the colonies opposed to the Stamp Act?’ ”

  I heard a couple of moans and sighs.

  I continued: “Before you answer I’ll need you to give me five dollars each for the paper you’re going to use to take the test.”

  This time I heard lots of moans, gasps, sighs, and even a “That’s a rip-off!”

  “Is there a problem?” I asked.

  A boy in the middle of the room raised his hand and said, “It’s not fair!”

  And then a girl said, “Don’t my parents already pay taxes for this?”

  Another boy said, “Do we have to use your paper? If I use my own do I still have to pay the five dollars?”

  I smiled and said, “Yes, you still have to pay the five dollars. Yes, I assume your parents are paying taxes already. And, yes, I’m requiring you to pay this paper tax because it’s going to help me pay off some debts.”

  Now it seemed like the whole class was in an uproar.

  “Mr. Revere,” said Freedom from the back of the class, “this sounds a lot like the stamp tax that Parliament and the King demanded that the colonies pay. And we sound a lot like the colonists who didn’t think it was fair.”

  “Very good, Freedom. I’m glad to know that the video you watched may have taught you something. In any case, I think Parliament and the King are right. So I need you to pay me now!”

  “Seriously?” Freedom smirked, thinking I was kidding. “What if the whole class decides not to pay the tax? What if we refuse?”

  “Is that how all of you feel?” I asked as I looked around the room.

  “I’m with Freedom! Me, too! I’m not paying! No way! Freedom is right!” said the students until they all started chanting, “We won’t pay! We won’t pay! We won’t pay!”

  With a wide grin I finally held up my hands to quiet the student mob and said, “Congratulations, you passed the test and you all get an A!” As the class cheered, Tommy and Cam entered the room carrying the sound system and speakers. I quickly set them up and invited Liberty to come to the front of the room. With a short introduction I said, “It’s my pleasure to introduce Liberty and his stomp act about the Stamp Act.”

  The music started, Liberty began stomping to the beat, and then he started to sing:

  (Sung to the tune of “Call Me Maybe” by Carly Rae Jepsen and Tavish Crowe)

  I threw a stamp on the fire

  Go tell the British Empire

  Your Stamp Act agents are fired

  You’re simply in our way

  Go tell King George the III

  His Stamp Act is absurd

  This is our final word

  You’re simply in our way

  This law is bogus

  Taxing all our paper products

  Do you really think you own us?

  Listen to the Stamp Act Congress!

  Hey, we just left you

  And this is crazy

  You never asked us

  Don’t tax our colonies

  We’ve got Ben Franklin

  And Patrick Henry

  You never asked them

  Don’t tax our colonies

  Because your taxes aren’t fair

  You make us so mad

  You make us so mad

  You make us so, so mad

  Because your taxes aren’t fair

  You make us so mad

  And you should know that

  You make us so, so mad

  As the music faded away Liberty struck a pose and the class applauded and cheered. As the bell rang, I was certain this would be a history lesson they would never forget.

  * * *

  The next day I had to wake up Liberty so we could have lunch before my class started. He said he was still tired and blamed it on all the time-jumping.

  “Well, let’s get some food in you because we’ll need to time-jump today to meet Samuel Adams,” I said.

  Liberty yawned and replied, “Oh, I remember King George said that Samuel Adams was a rebel. Is that true?”

  “Yes, Samuel Adams fanned the flames of the Revolutionary War in Boston. He was also a cousin to the American hero John Adams. If possible I’d like to find Samuel and discover the truth. From what I’ve heard he was a stubborn, hotheaded, and crafty man who never doubted the cause of freedom.”

  “Oh, he sounds delightful,” Liberty said with sarcasm.

  I smiled and said, “Maybe not delightful, but he knew how to motivate people to fight for their liberties. And I want to see how he did it. I want to know what role he played in Boston and what he was truly like.”

  “Fine with me, but I don’t think I’m adding him to my Christmas card list!”

  “Well, maybe our visit will change your mind,” I said.

  Liberty paused before he said, “Benjamin Franklin, Patrick Henry, Samuel Adams—I’m certain I have a connection with all of these exceptional Americans but I can’t seem to put my hoof on it.”

  “Well, you are from the revolutionary time period,” I reminded him.

  “Yes, I am certain of that,” said Liberty. “Oh, and I’m also certain that I am famished!”

  No surprise, I thought.

  On our way to Manchester Middle School we stopped and ate bagels and cream cheese. Liberty ate eighteen bagels in honor of the eighteenth century.

  “A full stomach always makes me sleepy,” he said.

  “Maybe you can take a quick nap during part of my history lesson.”

  As we approached the front doors of the school, Liberty turned invisible. The bell would ring at any second and students would flood the hallways as they headed toward their final class of the day. As we turned the final corner I saw Elizabeth slip into the Honors History classroom. I assume Liberty saw her, too, but just to be sure I said, “Did you see Elizabeth?”

  A map sketched by John Adams of the taverns in Braintree and Weymouth, 1761.

  Samuel Adams

  Liberty exhaled and reappeared by my side. “Yes, and she looked a little sneaky. I’ll stay inv
isible until we know what she’s up to.” He took a deep breath and disappeared again.

  At the sound of the bell I saw students exit other classrooms along the hallway. We quickly slipped inside the Honors History room and I noticed Elizabeth sitting in her regular seat. She sweetly said, “Hello, Mr. Revere. I think we got off on the wrong foot. I’ve decided that Manchester Middle School definitely needs a horse, uh, I mean, a history teacher with your special skills. By the way, where’s Liberty?”

  She looked behind me as if she was waiting for Liberty to enter. I knew she was up to something. But what? I casually replied, “Thank you, Elizabeth. I’m glad to have you back in Honors History. Liberty will be here soon. What did Principal Sherman say about your new dress?”

  “Oh, I told him I went shopping and just had to have it for the homecoming dance.” She winked. “No worries, Mr. Revere. I’ve got you covered. I know how to play this game. You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”

  Tommy entered the classroom and paused when he saw Elizabeth.

  “Hi, Thomas, did you miss me?” said Elizabeth, her words dripping with sweetness.

  “No offense, but not really.”

  “No matter. I need to talk to you about the next time we time-jump. The possibilities are so exciting! And I know just where I want to—”

  Just then the door opened and several more students began walking in. I was relieved for the interruption. Something was definitely up with Elizabeth. She was acting very strange since our visit with King George. Finally, the bell rang for class to start and I noticed Cam was standing in the middle of the room unsure about where to sit.

  “It looks like there’s a desk in the middle of the classroom.” I pointed to the empty desk next to Freedom. Once Cam was seated I took a quick roll call and welcomed everyone.

  Liberty finally exhaled and appeared behind Freedom and Cam. I was always impressed at how long he could hold his breath and stay invisible.