Lady Lost

by Jane Goodger

  For some reason, his brother Adam looked exceedingly uncomfortable. “It’s not as cut-and-dried as one might think. Some say the gent was only being chivalrous.”

  “Are you saying a man confessed to a murder he didn’t commit, then killed himself all to save Lady Lilian?” Marcus asked incredulously.

  “The staff at Mount Carlyle is fiercely loyal to the lady,” Georgette said softly. “People actually do believe that, Marcus.”

  “And there is also a question of whether the man killed himself at all.”

  “But that’s absurd. What man would write a confession for a crime he didn’t commit? Anyone who believes that belongs in Bedlam.”

  “I’m afraid that particular rumor is being perpetuated by her sister,” Adam said.

  “Her sister,” Marcus said with clear disgust. “So Lady Lilian cannot return there.”

  “And she cannot stay here,” his mother said. “Now that you have ruined her, you have an obligation to marry the girl. Oh, this is a nightmare.”

  Marcus felt nauseous. He looked at his family and knew, he knew what he had to do. But he wasn’t going to. He didn’t want to be married and certainly not again to a woman who didn’t love him. And one he didn’t love. He would not. He would do all he could to protect her reputation, short of marrying her. He would hire the best lawyer in Britain if it came to that, but he would not marry her. Good God! The walls of the room seemed to be coming closer, the air thicker. He could hardly breathe.

  “You are past your mourning period,” Georgette said gently.

  Marcus snapped his head toward his sister-in-law, who actually flinched beneath his gaze. And his brother tensed as if ready to launch himself at Marcus to protect his wife. Bloody hell, had the world gone mad? He was not marrying Lilian. He wanted them gone. He wanted everyone out of his house and out of his life.

  “Let me tell you all something,” he began quietly, with barely suppressed fury. “I am not going to bloody hell marry anyone!” This last ended on a roar, the type that caused windows to shake and nearby birds to take flight. And a woman, who was calmly walking up a set of stairs, to freeze in shock.

  Yes, Marcus looked up to see Lady Lilian, her face pale, staring at him from the stairs, holding her shoes in her hand. Damnation!

  Marcus tore his gaze away from Lilian, but from the corner of his eye, he saw her hurry up the stairs and out of sight. He would have to go to her later, he knew that, but for now he simply wanted to dispense with this torturous interview with his family. “You may all leave me now,” he said, staring at the floor, for he could not bear to look at them and their pity any longer.

  “I’d like to stay, if you will allow it.” His brother, brave man that he was, stood to escort the ladies from the room, then calmly shut the door behind them. After they’d gone, he turned. “Is it too early for brandy?”

  Marcus let out a humorless laugh. “Is it ever?”

  “Actually, yes.” But his brother made his way over to the sideboard, where he poured two glasses. Taking a sip, he said, “This is damn fine brandy.”

  “You should see what Lady Lilian found in the caves. I haven’t had any yet, but I suspect it’s even finer,” Marcus said, taking a proffered snifter from his brother’s hand.

  “She found brandy?” Adam asked, seeming delighted.

  “Yes. After she was trapped there by the high tide. Now that was a bit of a scare.”

  Adam looked at his brother thoughtfully. “Do you care for her?”

  “I like her well enough.”

  His brother chuckled. “That’s not what I mean. Do you love her? I thought I detected something . . . more.”

  Marcus shook his head. “No. I hardly know her. She’s only been here a few days and would have left immediately if Sadie hadn’t burned her dress, leaving her literally without a thing on her back.”

  “If you’re certain.”

  “I am,” Marcus said evenly, and though he believed it, something in his heart rebelled at those two words.

  “Then again, how would anyone know? It’s not as if you go around with your heart on your sleeve.”

  Marcus felt himself bristle unaccountably at his brother’s light words. “I’m not certain I know what you mean.”

  “You’re not a man given to large emotions, Marcus. Hell, on your wedding day, you looked bored, as if you were attending some endless soiree, not your own wedding and looking forward to your wedding night.”

  “I wasn’t overmuch, as a matter of fact.” But that was a lie. He had very much been looking forward to bedding his lively new wife, but he simply hadn’t seen the point of letting everyone in the room know it.

  Adam shook his head. “My God, Marcus, when Jupiter died in that fire, you didn’t shed a tear. I cried, for God’s sake, but you stood there as if nothing had happened.”

  Marcus calmly placed his snifter down and his brother eyed him warily. “Just because I didn’t become a blubbering idiot does not mean I did not hurt. My God, Adam, didn’t anyone notice I didn’t ride for two years? Two years, I could not bring myself to ride another horse because it hurt so damn much.” He closed his eyes briefly. He hated this . . . feeling.

  “We didn’t know. How could we? You never show what you’re thinking. You’re always even, Marcus. No matter what happens, you are calm, reserved, so damned cold. It’s almost as if you feel no joy, no sorrow. No love. It was damned frightening to see you rush into the house laughing. I can’t remember the last time I saw you laugh. Didn’t know you were even capable of it.”

  Marcus gave his younger brother a withering look. “I haven’t had much to laugh about lately, Adam.” It wasn’t that he didn’t feel; it was that he felt too damned much. Always had. “Do you blame me for what Eleanor did to me? Do you?”

  “No, of course not.”

  “You sound unconvinced.”

  Adam gave a helpless gesture. “It’s just that if you did love Eleanor, how would the lady have known?”

  Marcus sat down heavily. “The worst part about caring for Eleanor was even after I’d discovered what I thought was her first infidelity, I still admired her, still liked her. I couldn’t help it. It was humiliating and God, it nearly killed me. By the third time, I had managed to feel nothing. Most days.”

  “If you do marry again, Marcus, try to let the lady know you love her if you do. Wives like to know they are loved.”

  “Georgette must be giddy with happiness, then,” he joked.

  Adam grinned. “She is, actually.” He took a sip of brandy and looked contemplatively at Marcus. “You never loved Eleanor, did you?”

  “Perhaps. In the beginning. Before we were married.” He took a long breath. “I have no wish to marry again. Obviously,” he said on a laugh.

  “I’m afraid you don’t have much choice. You must have known the consequences of allowing her to stay.”

  Marcus stared gloomily at the floor. “I kept telling her to leave. As soon as she regained consciousness. I expected every day here would be her last, but it always seemed something got in the way of her leaving. You have to remember, it was only me and two servants here. It wasn’t as if I had a wardrobe of female clothes I could have put on her. Should I have cast her out with only my robe on her back? Besides, Sadie was here.”

  “Servants don’t count. You know that.”

  “I suppose I thought no one would find out.” Marcus buried his head in his hands, his elbows resting on his thighs. “I don’t want to marry anyone.”

  “If you must marry someone, at least Lady Lilian is pretty. She has remarkable eyes.”

  “Like a butterfly’s wings,” Marcus said, before looking up at his brother.

  Adam raised one eyebrow.

  “Sod off, Adam. They’re the same color as a morpho butterfly. I wasn’t waxing poetic.”

  The two brothers were silent for a long stretch.

  “She made you laugh, Marcus.”

  Yes, she did that.

  * * *

 
Lilian watched Mabel on the rocking horse, trying not to think about Lord Granton or how adamant he’d sounded when he’d shouted he didn’t want to marry her. I am not going to bloody hell marry anyone! There was certainly nothing ambiguous about that sentence. It was the strangest thing. She didn’t want to marry him, hadn’t even given the smallest thought to it, but the fact that he was so opposed . . . well, it hurt. It shouldn’t, of course. She hardly knew the man, after all. And she didn’t even really like him most of the time. But the thought that he’d be so stunningly opposed to marrying her made her feel unexpectedly awful. It was almost as if she was unsuitable. Which she most certainly was not. Except, of course, for the whole wanted murderess scandal. Lilian knew it would be years, if ever, before that gossip died. For the rest of her life, if she was part of society, she knew people would whisper behind her back. Lilian had had enough time to think about the scandal to realize she would never marry, unless she traveled to America or Canada. Perhaps, she thought with a giggle, she should go to Australia. It might not be a penal colony any longer, but she would certainly fit in better there than in England.

  “I should like a real horse when I grow up,” Mabel announced.

  “I’m sure Lord Granton will give you one,” Lilian said distractedly. Downstairs, Granton’s family was no doubt plying him with questions and making plans for a hasty wedding. Of course she would not agree to such a thing, and she had no one on her side of the family who would press the issue. She would simply refuse to marry, Granton could let out a sigh of relief, and she would go on her merry way.

  Her merry way!

  “Oh, my goodness. I’ve forgotten that I need to be in the carriage today,” she said, rushing over to the still-rocking Mabel to kiss her on the cheek. “I’ve got to go, but I’ll write to you and when you learn how, you can write back. I shall miss you, Mabel.”

  Mabel stopped rocking and stared at her, her expression solemn. “Do you truly have to go?”

  “I truly do,” Lilian said, forcing a smile even though her throat closed up a bit. She had the urgent need to escape before Granton took up the notion that his mother was right. If she left immediately, he wouldn’t know how to find her and this mad idea that they should marry would blow over. “Give me a hug. I expect the next time I see you you’ll have grown a foot.” Lilian gave her another quick kiss, then turned quickly and headed for the nursery door, praying the tears she was about to shed would wait until she was over the threshold. With her head down, she opened the door and rushed into the hall, only to run directly into Lord Granton, who grasped her upper arms gently to steady her.

  “Where are you going in such a hurry?” he asked, dropping his hands.

  Lilian lifted her chin, deciding to pretend she hadn’t overheard him as she walked up the stairs. “I believe I have a carriage to catch,” she said, and went to make her way around him.

  “We need to talk.” His tone brooked no argument, but Lilian decided to argue anyway.

  “We have nothing to discuss, Lord Granton,” she said, her voice clipped. “I planned to leave today and so I shall. If you will excuse me, sir.”

  “I will not,” he said, his tone matching hers but somehow much more authoritative, likely due to his father’s expert tutelage. “It has come to my attention, Lady Lilian, that your presence at Merdunoir has been noted by more than one individual. While I had hoped to avoid such a complication, and while this gives me great pain to say, I believe we have both been rather foolish in allowing you to stay here unchaperoned.”

  Lilian held up one hand, stopping him. “I know what you are going to say and I would like to spare you the task of uttering the words. I am leaving, sir. I am leaving today, and you shall likely never see me again and good riddance. I hope that ends any foolishness, either on your part or mine. I have no wish to marry you, and I’m quite certain you have no wish to marry me.”

  Granton peered down at her as if her words had made him angry, though Lilian could hardly say why, as she’d been quite certain it was what he would want to hear. “That is where you are wrong,” he said in a dangerous tone, and Lilian furrowed her brow in confusion.

  “I am not deaf, my lord.” There, she’d just admitted she’d been eavesdropping, though one would have to be deaf not to have heard his angry words.

  “I’ve changed my mind. I think we would suit.” Lilian nearly snorted, but her expression must have conveyed her thoughts. “Fine. Let’s be honest, shall we? As a man of honor, I cannot allow you to face society without my protection. I knew the consequences of allowing you to stay here unchaperoned, and I ignored them. I am entirely at fault, and now I must make amends.”

  “Make amends? So marrying me would be making amends?” she asked, incredulous.

  “Yes,” he said. “As you might expect, I have no wish to marry, but if I am forced to marry someone, you are not at all disagreeable.”

  “How lovely that I’m not disagreeable.” A smile tugged at his lips, and Lilian nearly found herself grinning up at him. “I’m so sorry, Granton, that my presence here has put you in this situation. You must know I would have left with just my shift on if I’d known this would happen. I was ruined long before I arrived on your doorstep, sir, so you have no obligation to save my reputation. It was in tatters the moment I panicked and fled Mount Carlyle.”

  “A man confessed to the murder. You are as much a victim of that night as he was, except that you were an innocent victim.” He let out a hard puff of breath. “I cannot stand by and allow your name to be sullied, my lady. What kind of a man would I be if I allowed such a thing?” He looked away toward the nursery door. “And she needs a mother.”

  “As well as a father.”

  “I have laid claim to her, it seems. Much to my mother’s horror. I set about trying to find her father, you know. Wrote to my wife’s maid to find him. I don’t know what I will do in the remote possibility the man stakes a claim to her, and I have no idea how I will explain her presence. She’s not legally a bastard, and yet she’s not mine.” He let out a sigh. “I suppose she is mine now. And yours, if you’ll agree to marry me.”

  Lilian looked at the door to where Mabel still played. It was tempting to say yes. She adored Mabel and enjoyed Granton’s company. Perhaps they could grow to care for one another. She’d thought she would never marry, and so the prospect of marrying and having children was slightly intoxicating.

  “What if we grow to hate one another?” she asked, her voice small.

  “What if we grow to tolerate one another?”

  Lilian looked up at him and laughed. “Tolerate? You will make me swoon with your romantic nature, Lord Granton,” she said, holding one hand over her heart.

  “I think we could suit. In time.” He looked at her, assessing. “I would dearly like to see your hair down.” He reached up and tucked one tendril behind her ear. “I do find it intriguing.”

  Lilian felt that odd heaviness in her limbs and a sense that he was pulling her toward him even though he wasn’t touching her. His eyes became hooded and he leaned toward her, just a bit, just enough to make her heart beat like mad in her chest, just enough to make her believe that this time he would, indeed, kiss her. She realized she wanted him to. Rather desperately, actually.

  “I’ve been resisting kissing you for days now,” he said, his voice low. “Now that we are engaged—”

  “We’re engaged?” she asked, her voice strangely breathy.

  He nodded, leaning in even closer, until she could feel his breath on her lips, until his face in front of her was nothing but a handsome blur.

  And then, his lips touched hers, just a light brushing, just enough to let her know that a man was kissing her. She stood still, not breathing, and closed her eyes. Oh, this was lovely, she thought, as he moved his lips against hers. She swayed slightly and he let out a sound, deep and low, and suddenly she was in his arms, pulled hard against him, his mouth slanting on hers, his tongue sweeping over the seam of her lips. It seemed like the mo
st natural thing in the world to open her mouth, just slightly, to let him taste her. Lilian clung to him because her knees felt strangely weak. Granton laid a hand at the back of her head, pressing her gently toward him, as his other hand snaked around her back and pulled her so that her entire body was flush against his tall, lean one. It was a bit like holding a bit of cushioned steel; his muscles were that taut. He shifted slightly and she could feel his arousal. Never in her limited experience had she been held this way by a man, felt his need. She knew instinctively what it meant, that he wanted her, and that thought shot a thrill through her, an entirely unexpected one.

  “You’re kissing.”

  They broke apart at the sound of Mabel’s voice, and Lilian stepped hastily back, smoothing her skirt and wishing she could smooth her emotions as quickly. She had completely lost herself, felt a flood of sensations she’d never known in her life. With a shake of her head, she realized that she wanted more, wanted to lose herself in his kiss, his caresses. Wanted more of him. My goodness, but she could hardly breathe from the want. When she was slightly more composed, she looked from Mabel to Granton and found herself oddly disappointed by how very composed he looked. She knew her cheeks were burning, but his complexion was unchanged. If it hadn’t been for the fact that she’d felt his obvious arousal, she would have thought him completely unmoved. Then again, what did she truly know of men? Perhaps it was a simple matter for their man part to come to life. That thought nearly made her giggle, but she stifled it and pressed her lips together. Unless she’d been mistaken. Perhaps he had something in his pocket? Should she ask? Lilian pressed her lips together even harder. Where on earth were these thoughts coming from?

  “Why were you kissing?” Mabel asked Granton.

  “Because Lady Lilian is very pretty and I like kissing pretty girls. Particularly pretty girls I am going to marry.” He shot Lilian a look as if he was waiting for a challenge to his claim.

  Mabel’s eyes widened.

  “Do you know what that means, Mabel?” Lilian asked softly, bending down so she was at the little girl’s level, and Mabel shook her head. “It means Lord Granton is going to be your papa and I am going to be your mama. Would that be agreeable?”