“Carm, as I have tried to explain, neither of us planned it. Can you accept that it just happened? Let’s figure out how to move on.”
“Accept what? That he is forever different, possibly gay or bisexual?”
“Acting on bi-curiosity doesn’t necessarily mean that a person is bisexual or gay. He tried it out. But it’s not for him.”
“So says you. And curiosity doesn’t excuse him from jumping into bed with a man who happened to be one of my best friends. And for your information not everyone has a college try.”
“What else do you want from me? I tried to do the honest thing and come forward with this matter.”
Carmala stood up and threw her linen napkin on the table. “Jon, I’ve had enough of this conversation.” He pushed his chair back, but she put her hand up to stop him. “Don’t bother calling me…ever!”
Carmala stormed out of the restaurant and out into the plaza. Tears burned her eyes and fell down her cheeks. She pushed past the bellhops and went onto the street to hail her own cab, to no avail. The skies opened up, and an immediate downpour battered her. She had no umbrella. Rain soaked her clothes and hair before she made it to the subway entrance.
On the subway ride home, Carmala stared blankly at the ads for clubs, clothing stores, and jewelers. Her gaze stuttered at seeing a gay escort ad—her heart sank another level.
How had they come to this? God, she thought she knew Guido. Who’d have thought he’d go there?
Why did she always pick the wrong men? First, Anthony in high school, then a stagnant relationship with Bill in college, and now this.
Did she only find excitement with men who used her as a doormat?
When would she find an equal partner? Someone she could connect with on all levels—emotionally, physically and spiritually. Someone who was, as the Catholic sisters called it, equally yoked?
She got off the subway near her favorite coffee shop and dashed through the rain for a warm up with a skinny latte. She needed to think through her next steps. There was no doubt about it: she’d have to end it with Guido.
As she stepped out of the shop, she bumped into Jane and Bill.
Great. Now she had to smile for the happy newlyweds.
They didn’t see her at first, but Carmala called out to them. “Hi, guys, how are you?”
“Oh, Carmala, it’s so nice to see you.” Bill gave her a hug and kiss. “You’re soaking wet!”
“Are you just getting home from work now?” Jane asked.
“Yes, I…ah, I’m working on a big project. Got caught in the rain.” She glanced at her watch, not wanting to continue the conversation. “I need to get dry, I’m going to run. Nice to see you two.”
“We’ll have to get together for lunch sometime,” Jane offered.
Carmala nodded. “Sure, I’ll call you.”
She walked into the apartment close to eleven. Guido sat watching television. He smiled and jumped up to give her a kiss and hug.
Carmala recoiled, sickened by his touch. He’d cheated on her for God’s sake. The same man who had tortured her about interactions with men who were clients. Unbelievable. She pushed him away. “I’m sorry, Guido. I had a difficult day and got bad news. I have an extremely early meeting tomorrow morning and a pounding headache. Do you mind sleeping on the couch tonight?”
She couldn’t get into it with Guido tonight. She was utterly exhausted and emotionally numb. She’d get some sleep and face it tomorrow.
He looked taken aback for a moment. “Okay, babe, no problem. You get your rest.”
He tried to kiss her on the lips, but she turned her cheek. How could she bear to have his lips on her now? Or have his thing in her after where it had been? And maybe with others.
She quickly fell into a deep sleep.
The next morning Carmala initially woke up in a good mood, until she remembered Jon’s confession. She peered over the loft railing to see Guido peacefully sleeping on the couch. No turning back now. This relationship was gone, no doubt about it.
She dragged herself to the bathroom, showered, and dressed for work. Business as usual. For today, anyway.
She snuck out of the apartment, careful not to wake Guido.
Where, when, and how would she finally cut the cord?
****
Carmala went through the motions at work, still feeling numb. She was reviewing financials for a potential client called Clean Air America. The company specialized in upgrading preexisting residential and commercial air ducts to an eco-friendly model.
She completed her review amazed at the depth of her concentration. Confident in her ability to wrap a presentation by the following week she called the client to arrange a meeting time.
With her tasks at work done, Carmala needed to figure out what to do about Guido. She thought the best way to break it to Guido would be in a public place. And she might as well do it in style, let him down easier. She’d make reservations at Delmonico’s for dinner that night.
She called Guido at lunchtime, got his buy-in, and then reached out to the restaurant. Guido said he’d stop off at home after work to get dressed for the occasion. The occasion…if only he knew.
At seven, Carmala sat in a mahogany booth in the Delmonico’s bar. Her heart pounded, but she was more ready than ever to make the move. She glanced around at the business people gathered around her. Wall Streeters, lawyers, and judges deep in conversations, discussing the affairs of the day. It all seemed so ordinary when her life, or at least the most important relationship in her life, was about to be dissolved.
She belonged here, in this kind of upscale environment, unattached and free. She’d take a long break from the relationship scene. It’d be a while before she’d even consider a casual date. And it’d be a long, long time before she’d let another man into her heart, that was for sure.
On the plus side, it would be a relief not to answer to Guido’s barrage of questions about where she’d been, who’d she met with, and what they did. She remembered a time, which now seemed like ages ago, when he’d lurked outside the same restaurant’s very window, spying on her and Marc Blass. Yup, freedom did have a good ring to it right about now.
Or would it? Her confidence wavered when Guido walked in, looking so handsome. He’d obviously dressed for what he assumed to be a happy occasion.
Damn. She made a mistake coming here.
He kissed her cheek and winked.
Maybe she shouldn’t do this now.
Maybe she should give them another chance. Talk about it at home. Their home.
Carmala took her drink and said, “Let’s go into the dining room.”
They greeted the host, who seated them in a quiet area near the large portrait.
Oblivious to her agenda, he sat down, and they chit-chatted about frivolous matters and placed their order for dinner.
Throughout dinner, Carmala’s mind tormented her with indecision. Should she pretend as if it never happened? Guido told Jon that it would never happen again. Maybe he meant it.
They’d finished dinner and ordered coffee but no dessert.
As she prepared to broach the subject, her heart pounded in her ears. She had to, at least, tell him she knew what had happened between him and Jon. She’d start there.
No, she would stick to her guns. He needed to move out. “Guido, I have to tell you something.” Her voice shook.
He took her hand, his face reflecting concern. “What’s wrong, babe?”
She gently pulled it away. “Guido, I found out about your rendezvous with Jon. I don’t want to hear about the whys or the hows. There’s no denying it. Under the circumstances, I’m sure that you can see there’s no romantic future for us. We need to end our relationship. Now.”
He appeared impassive. He probably was in shock. But maybe Jon clued him in. She didn’t care.
“Carmala, I never meant for this to happen. It’s as though a new dimension opened up that night.”
Oh my God. Maybe he truly was bisexual.
It didn’t matter. She’d come this far; she meant to end their relationship and that was it.
“I still love you, Carmala. You need to understand. I can’t begin to think of another man loving you, being with you, confiding in you. I’ve had to share you with all those needy clients for so long. I’d like to put this thing behind us. Maybe it will make us appreciate what we already have. Maybe we can grow closer, despite what happened. Please, reconsider this.” He had tears in his gorgeous, big brown eyes.
Her heart began to melt. What the hell? He had been good to her.
No. It ended here. Now. Once and for all. “Guido, we can ride this merry-go-round that our relationship has become until doomsday, but we’ll never move forward. We can’t recover from this. The dynamics of our relationship are intrinsically flawed, and that’s why what happened happened.”
He shook his head. “No—”
“That’s why you delved into that dimension. You should be free to explore all you want without the crippling effect of a wrong relationship. And our relationship has been wrong for a while. You know it. Half the time you’re aggravated about who I’m spending time with for business, and the other half you’re snooping in my personal records looking for, I don’t have a clue what—”
“I didn’t snoop. We share a computer. You can’t expect me not to see—”
“The point is that obviously our relationship wasn’t enough for you. You deserve the freedom to be who you are and maybe enjoy a partner who enhances you. And so do I. We need a clean, permanent break. I’m sorry, Guido.”
“Carmala, I think I’m that perfect partner for you. We can get through this. Your parents have been together for over forty years, and mine for as long as my father lived. Don’t you think they hit bumps along the way? Mama never remarried. We should let them be an example for us to learn from.” He opened his hands in a pleading gesture.
“I suggest you move back with your mama in Brooklyn. It will do you good to bond with her. But as for me, I need you to leave the apartment as soon as possible.”
“So you’re kicking me out? Just like that?” He pounded his fist on the table so that the silverware jumped.
The patrons looked over at them curiously.
He had a lot of gall getting mad. Camala kept her voice low, not wanting to cause a scene. “Who the hell do you think you are? You should have thought about what climbing into bed with Jon would do to our relationship before you did it. How do you think anyone could overlook that, Guido? It’s not possible. Hell, I wouldn’t forgiven you if it had been Margo, either. You don’t screw a woman’s best friend. Got it?”
“And how do I know you weren’t with the big shot, Michael, when you were in Palm Beach?”
“You don’t. But, at this point, it’s completely irrelevant! You no longer have a claim on me, and I have none on you. It’s over, Guido. That’s it. I need to go. Please stay somewhere else tonight. You can pack your things tomorrow, when I’m at work. Then leave the key under the mat.”
Carmala had come prepared with enough cash for the bill, quickly calculated the total in her mind, and left extra on the edge of the table. She got up from the table with a stiff spine and walked out of the restaurant.
Being with the wrong guy could be addictive. As a victim, she always thought it would turn out all right the next time around. She’d been wrong. After every inane argument, she’d mentally given Guido one more chance, then another chance and another. Yet the same behavior repeatedly occurred. The old adage about the definition of insanity popped into her head. She often thought she could do the same action and expect different results. Maybe she was a little crazy.
Life with Guido had been exciting, but truly harmful and stifling.
No matter how hard they tried, they would end up in the same place. A dead-end relationship. She was like an alcoholic or drug addict who got excited after their first fix. These unhealthy relationships felt great initially. But, inevitably, the fix turned into a trap that kept her powerless. Any joy she’d once experienced had long ago disappeared. And like a moth attracted to the flame, Carmala knew Guido drew her, but she also knew, like the moth, if she stayed with him, she’d eventually die.
She’d tried to be gentle and graceful with her goodbye to Guido, but she left Delmonico’s without a glance backward.
If he didn’t vacate by tomorrow, she’d change the locks. Hell, come to think of it, after he removed his stuff she’d better change the locks anyway. He wasn’t on the lease, and she legally owed him nothing.
An amazing flood of relief washed over her at finally knowing the relationship had ended.
Would he give her trouble and refuse to go without drama? She could only hope it’d be that easy. But she wouldn’t hold her breath.
Chapter Twenty
It was Saturday morning. Carmala heard light snoring coming from downstairs. Oh, no, Guido. She padded over to the loft railing and peered downstairs. Damn! She’d asked him to sleep somewhere else, but instead he came to their apartment. Well, he’d better leave that day.
A slight pang of regret rushed through her thoughts, but she forced them out of her mind. She had resolved to end it and did what she had to do. Onward.
Carmala brewed coffee, poured a cup, and went into her room to call Margo, careful not to wake Guido. She’d hoped to make plans with her and sneak out without awakening, or really without having to face Guido again.
“Margo, I finally did it,” Carmala said in a hushed tone.
“Did what?”
“I ended it between me and Guido.” Carmala peered over the railing from her bedroom again. Guido hadn’t stirred. Good.
“You’re kidding? Are you all right?”
“I need to come over. Stay the night, if it’s okay with you.”
“Of course. Pack a bag with a change of clothes. “
“Thanks. Gotta go.” Carmala scrambled around, throwing things in an overnight bag. She in no way planned to come back to her apartment until she knew Guido had packed his things and left.
She scribbled a note to him.
Dear Guido:
I’m spending the day with Margo. I trust you to gather your personal things and make your way out by nightfall. Please leave the key under the mat.
Sincerely,
Carmala.
Before she left, she took one more hard look at Guido. Not an ounce of sadness or regret reached her consciousness. No feelings at all. He’d killed every one last one of them.
She exited the apartment, quietly closing the door, locked it, and made her way to the Long Island railroad station.
Thank God, he hadn’t woken up. When she returned, she’d officially be a single woman again. Still, the question nagged her brain, just a little. Did she do the right thing?
****
Guido woke up to find Carmala gone.
His first thoughts skipped to the scene last night. Shock still ricocheted in his brain. Did she really break it off? Or was it only a bad dream?
Nope, it happened, all right.
He couldn’t let her go. She was everything to him. What was he supposed to do without her?
He read the note Carmala left on the coffee table. She signed it “sincerely.” Really? That’s what they’ve come to? Just a simple unemotional goodbye?
His eyes blurred. She meant it. They were through. He blinked back the tears. He refused to cry. He rubbed at his eyes to stop the tears. He hadn’t cried since his dad died.
His chest ached as he glanced around the apartment, the apartment they’d decorated and made a home together. The ache gripped him, hard, as the emotions hit him. He’d lost everything in a matter of twenty-four hours. God, he’d been a fool to toss it all away. He should have known he couldn’t trust Barlo to keep his mouth shut.
He needed to pull himself together. Figure out a plan. If Carmala didn’t want him anymore, he couldn’t force her. He read the note again. Sadness overtook him. He’d wanted to marry her, for God’s sake.
; Guido removed the apartment key from his key chain. He stared at the piece of metal in his palm. It represented all that was important in his life. Happiness with the woman he loved. Hope for a wife and family. He wouldn’t give up so easily. Especially not after one little incident.
He gripped the key hard in his hand. The jagged teeth bit into his skin. Dammit! He’d really fucked up.
The thing with Jon and him, it meant nothing. They were friends. Sure, Jon and he had bonded. And he’d enjoyed the time with him. Maybe too much. But it was just a one-time thing.
Okay, so he’d cheated. Just that one time. Other relationships had survived much worse. He and Carmala could still salvage their relationship. What did it matter that it happened to be with a same-sex partner? Everyone experimented at least once. Why not him?
Carmala would come around, eventually. For now, he’d honor her wishes. His heart was heavy, but he packed his belongings, purposely leaving a couple of shirts and a pair of jeans, just in case. He locked the door for what might just be the last time and placed the key under the welcome mat, as she’d asked.
Would he ever step upon this welcome mat again?
Yeah, he’d be back. It would just be a matter of time. He and Carmala were meant to be together.
Outside, he flagged a cab and headed to Brooklyn. This wasn’t the end, he knew it down to the very cells of his soul. If it took him the rest of his life, he’d get her back. He may have royally screwed things up. But no one deserved her more than he did, and he intended to prove it.
****
Safely encased in her best friend’s embrace, Carmala let out the sobs. Sobs of relief. Some girl time would make everything better.
Margo tugged Carmala into her foyer and closed the door behind them. “I’m so glad you’re here. I’ve prepared a scrumptious meal, and we’ll have our favorite wine, too.”
“Margo, we’re not going to stay in this house today. It’s beautiful outside.” Carmala thought again. Did she really feel like going out? Maybe not. “You look as though you could use a little color.”
Having Fun with Mr. Wrong Page 25
